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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on how to deal with my husband :(

136 replies

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 19:59

Hi everyone. I've posted here before and got some much needed support and i'm in desperate need of it again :( this is long I'm so sorry!

My husband is making my life hard sometimes. We bicker so often these days it drains me of my energy.

I'm pretty sure he is the one with the problem but I don't think I help situations. I've read a lot on this forum and it has really empowered me but I think this has caused more friction in our relationship.

An example, one which 100% confuses me. Today I went out with my toddler at around just after 4. I got back a few minutes after my husband got home from work so around 6.10. He started to question where i had been. How long i had been there. He then asked me in a really horrible way 'so you chose to go out 1.5 hours before i was due to come home?'

What the actual fuck?!! He was annoyed that I was not home before him I was genuinely baffled and asked why I would need to be home before him and he wasn't giving a reason. He said my mum would do that (get home before my dad) and I said I wouldn't do this and have never done this so why expect it? He got more annoyed and said it is common decency for me to be home before him???

This lead to an argument about why I should have been home before him and how he would do that for me. He then started getting his things ready for the gym and ignored my toddler. This really upset me. I asked him to get the toddler ready for bed and spend a bit of time with her and he refused. He does this a lot when we argue. He said he cares a lot for her but doesn't want to be around me hence going out to the gym.

I told him I would go upstairs if I have annoyed him so much but he kept refusing to spend time with her! He then said he didn't want to get her ready for bed because it would help me out and he doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is not going gym now and did get her ready for bed but is going to continue the argument when she is asleep and I am back downstairs. I don't even know what the hell to talk about. It all seems so pathetic. He is really hard to talk/argue with because he manipulates what i say and goes on and on. Literally it can go on for over an hour.

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this? Or am I just being pathetic? I really don't know anymore. I have tried to stand my ground, be reasonable, be understanding but he makes it so hard and when I do get annoyed he says I start the arguments.

OP posts:

nilbyname · 06/01/2014 20:43

Ask him to leave, he is a shitty person.

WoodBurnerBabe · 06/01/2014 20:44

He sounds awful. I went out with the kids after school one day at the end of last term, it was an impromptu playdate with a friend from the playground. They were having a fab time, lovely friend made macaroni cheese for tea and we eventually got home about 6.30pm. DH had been home, as usual, from about 5.45pm, he had done the washing up, tidied the living room, emptied the washing machine and made a pot of tea. He then had a cuddle in front of cBeebies and I put the kids to bed while he started tea. I finished tea, dished up, and then he loaded and ran the dishwasher while I did the school stuff for the next day. Oh, and he figured I would be home at some point before bedtime with the kids, so he just pottered until we came in, but he would have texted if there had been anything that he wanted to know.

This is normal in a relationship. Please think very hard about what he is teaching your daughter about the way relationships work

Lizzabadger · 06/01/2014 21:11

LTB - he sounds awful and he won't change.

DustBunnyFarmer · 06/01/2014 21:18

Poor Random. Probably still getting her ears bent about all her multitude failings...

lollerskates · 06/01/2014 21:22

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this?

Why do you believe you have to "deal with" him? You don't! Tell him to go fuck himself. He's a cunt.

NorksAreMessy · 06/01/2014 21:27

lottie I like your style

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/01/2014 21:33

You need to divorce him.

You do NOT have to go and stand there while he rants at you. If he starts on about 'respect' then tell him that as soon as he has some for you then you'll talk to him.

I feel sad for you, but even more sad for your daughter. You need to leave for her sake, before she grows up thinking that this is how she should be treated by men.

mrsgumpy · 06/01/2014 21:38

It sounds like he is "gaslighting" you ie: making you feel like you are going crazy, which is another form of abuse used to undermine your confidence in your own judgment.

PortofinoRevisited · 06/01/2014 21:42

He sounds like a complete twat. I would not put up with this sort of behaviour.

VoyageDeVerity · 06/01/2014 22:08

Who the fuck does this guy think he is?

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 22:19

Thank you all so much for posting.

I'm actually crying having read woodburner's comment. That is what I want. Somebody who does normal things for their partner without making them feel like it's not their job and that you should just get on with it yourself. Somebody who pulls their weight in the relationship. Somebody who actually wants to do things off their own back.

It's bloody hard work to get him to wash up, I can never ask the right way. He hasn't got time. He says I have been home all day why couldn't I have just done it. He would never think to help me by having dinner ready. He would miss a meal and then moan at me he is hungry. He's like a man child and that is completely the fault of his upbringing and his reluctance to change or adapt.

I was shitting it going downstairs, went into the living room to put the monitor on and he didn't say anything. In fact he had started dinner and was talking normally with me. Wtf?

I was really happy we weren't going to continue the talk but seriously confused at how he was acting normal with me, in fact being a bit nice to me. I helped with dinner and we ate. He hasn't said anything to me. I don't get it, it's very unlike him to drop anything.

I'm not sure if he could sense the despair from my pleading with him earlier on. No idea.

Also to answer a few questions. I didn't realise I referred to our daughter as my daughter. Maybe because I care for her 90% of the time? I know that doesn't excuse it but I didn't realise I did it!

We are both British Asian Indians with very different upbringings. My family are very laid back and completely westernised. His family the opposite. Marrying him feels like going back in time with the old style attitude towards women.

It pisses me off even more because we are both very well educated professionals and yet I feel like a dithering bag of shit. I try and stand my ground but he is impossible sometimes.

OP posts:

Lolalocket · 06/01/2014 22:24

Does he know your user name for MN? He may have seen this thread?

He's a dick btw. The BS about being home before him is bad enough, but ignoring his child to get back at you is unforgivable. I would be fucking fuming if my DH did that. How nasty and petty is that?

PortofinoRevisited · 06/01/2014 22:28

You need to TELL him how you feel. It can go 2 ways I guess - he will make an effort if he wants a nice family life with you. Or he will get defensive and cross and then you now where you are What woodburner said is how it should BE. Maybe not 100% perfect all the time but 2 people pulling together to have a nice life.

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 22:33

He doesn't know I use mumsnet. He thinks I'm using my phone for Facebook etc. I have private browsing set up on my phone and I always log out when leaving the phone around the house.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 22:34

Nice/nasty cycle.

Look it up.

But delete your internet history and always log out of MN.

Original poster

AnotherRandom · 06/01/2014 22:37

portofino i have told him before how I feel but he turns it around to make me the problem. He makes out that all arguments are 50/50 and how these days I start them. He says I have a temper, I get irate so quickly, I don't want to do anything for him anymore because I told him to iron his own shirts for work, blah fucking blah blah.

I get anxious to start these type of conversations because they are precisely not that - they turn into arguments all the time and last forever. I get upset and he shows no care towards me, Infact my upset causes him to get colder towards me.

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 06/01/2014 22:38

Yuk, that niceness and calm when you're still churned up inside and confused. I guess he thought he'd made his point well enough... He must be confident that you'll behave better next time.

You can't "deal with him" the right way or ask something in just the right tone of voice to get a good response. I bet he makes you feel you can, though, by pointing out just where you went wrong in each situation. It's all fuckwit logic, though and nothing that people like WoodBurner and her DH would recognise as logic.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 22:39

Gaslighting. Look that up too.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 06/01/2014 22:43

He gets colder when you're upset because he can't deal with the idea that you are a real, important, 3D person with thoughts and feelings, just like him. No, you are Woman, or Wife or some such animal. Much like a pet, really.

atosilis · 06/01/2014 22:48

My OH has a good technique, he says/does something controlling and I pick him up on it. He then goes, "Stop attacking me, you're attacking me, can you hear yourself? You're being aggressive and disrespecting me. What sort of behaviour is that?"

atosilis · 06/01/2014 22:53

I've started recording the episodes and can hear how the conversation develops. I know I'm not being aggressive so not getting headfucked any more. I'm starting to learn to ignore.

SanityClause · 06/01/2014 22:54

I really, really understand about the "shame" of a marriage breakup.

My life would have been very different if it wasn't for that "shame". (Not Asian - there's plenty of cultures that do this!)

Please know, there are much worse things than shame, and living with a bullying, controlling man is one of them.

Fairenuff · 06/01/2014 22:54

Tried to make myself believe this is fine. But I know it isn't.

No, it isn't and it never will be.

KatOD · 06/01/2014 23:07

He is a selfish dickhead with an outdated approach to women.

Really sorry he has made you so anxious with his crap, immature, selfish approach.

TwoNoisyBoys · 07/01/2014 00:08

I've never posted in 'Relationships' before, but reading your post just reminded me so much of my old relationship that I had to write something straightaway (haven't read full thread so apologies if I'm repeating what others have already said)
My ex'd'h was like this. A controlling bully who could twist any situation into something he could complain about......and he did this almost everyday for 15 years. I was unbelievably unhappy. It didn't matter what I did to try to please him, there was always something he'd pick on, usually the most ridiculous things imaginable, and I would be like you, speechless at the stupidity of what he was picking on me over. I finally managed to leave him 18 months ago, and have never been happier. My point is, in my experience, if you're in a relationship with a nasty controlling bully, it won't ever improve. We did Relate when our youngest DS was 2months old.....I knew it wouldn't work, but was desperate to try anything to make him see how damaging his behaviour was. It took 7 further years before I managed to leave. Please don't waste as much time as I did. Life is very, very short, and we deserve to spend it with people who love us and enjoy making us happy xx

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