Advice on how to deal with my husband :(

[AnotherRandom]

Hi everyone. I've posted here before and got some much needed support and i'm in desperate need of it again :( this is long I'm so sorry!

My husband is making my life hard sometimes. We bicker so often these days it drains me of my energy.

I'm pretty sure he is the one with the problem but I don't think I help situations. I've read a lot on this forum and it has really empowered me but I think this has caused more friction in our relationship.

An example, one which 100% confuses me. Today I went out with my toddler at around just after 4. I got back a few minutes after my husband got home from work so around 6.10. He started to question where i had been. How long i had been there. He then asked me in a really horrible way 'so you chose to go out 1.5 hours before i was due to come home?'

What the actual fuck?!! He was annoyed that I was not home before him I was genuinely baffled and asked why I would need to be home before him and he wasn't giving a reason. He said my mum would do that (get home before my dad) and I said I wouldn't do this and have never done this so why expect it? He got more annoyed and said it is common decency for me to be home before him???

This lead to an argument about why I should have been home before him and how he would do that for me. He then started getting his things ready for the gym and ignored my toddler. This really upset me. I asked him to get the toddler ready for bed and spend a bit of time with her and he refused. He does this a lot when we argue. He said he cares a lot for her but doesn't want to be around me hence going out to the gym.

I told him I would go upstairs if I have annoyed him so much but he kept refusing to spend time with her! He then said he didn't want to get her ready for bed because it would help me out and he doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is not going gym now and did get her ready for bed but is going to continue the argument when she is asleep and I am back downstairs. I don't even know what the hell to talk about. It all seems so pathetic. He is really hard to talk/argue with because he manipulates what i say and goes on and on. Literally it can go on for over an hour.

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this? Or am I just being pathetic? I really don't know anymore. I have tried to stand my ground, be reasonable, be understanding but he makes it so hard and when I do get annoyed he says I start the arguments.

Thanks again everybody

atosilis I have done something similar. I have since around June 2012, recorded similar events so i can look back and remember just how cruel he can be and how unreasonable he is. I've done this because i easily forget the little details and it's those which are important to remind me it's not just me making a big deal out of nothing.

twonoisyboys thank you for commenting on my post. What made you leave in the end? It just seems like a daunting task especially when you are tied into a marriage and all the financial responsibilities of it i.e house.

Update: this morning he was fine, nicer than usual. Made breakfast as usual. And again was running late as he does every day. He asked me to iron a shirt, which in the grand scheme of things is no big deal. But for me it is when he does very little around the house and I have told him so many times to be prepared and iron his own shirts the day before or whenever he is free. He never does and then asks me when he is rushing around in the morning.

I told him yeh I would, he then said could I also make his lunch, which again is not that bad but he does this everyday. He will never be prepared. Will ask me to make his lunch. He has a real issue with doing it himself. His mum always did everything for him. I have told him he needs to take responsibility for himself and make what ever he feels like eating.

Well I told him no and that he needs to get ready quicker and come down to sort his lunch out while I iron his shirt. He got angry and started shouting at me. 'why don't you want to do things for me? What is your problem? I'm going to be late.'

It seems like I should have just made it to save the hassle but this is what I am trying to sort out. If it was the odd occurrence and he was running late I would more than happily sort his lunch out. But this happens all the time. I feel like some kind of maid. If I don't sort it out I get abuse. He got so mad he used some really disgusting language towards me. Left angrily slamming the door and has now gone to work with a few bits but no sandwiches.

Problem is, it makes me feel bad. Now was I being unreasonable and trying to stand my ground at a time where I should have perhaps just let it slide to avoid this confrontation? I really don't know :(

I feel like your husband is conflicted. he has his family as role models and on one hand can't understand why you aren't a "normal" asian woman like his Mum. On the other hand he wants to throw off all that and prove himself to be a modern western man with all of those positive values.

I suspect he is having trouble with that and this is why you are so confused. I don't blame you. he accepts that he needs to be seen by you to be modern and respectful to women - but his entire upbringing is the opposite. So he gets angry at you because he blames you for his own conflict.

he doesn't like a light being shone on his failings to integrate these two sides of his personality and is interpreting that as you being abusive, angry or whatever. In fact you are just standing up for yourself as you should.

Does his family put pressure on him to "keep you in line".

To be fair to him - what man when shown examples of a woman doing everything for her husband, wouldn't want that for himself. He simply has poor role models and can't understand why his wife is different.

This is no way excuses him. because believe me he knows this is wrong and he married you because you were not like that. he possibly thought he would be able to train you in time.

Is he 5?

Mummy needs to get his clothes ready and sort out his lunch box?

Pathetic in a grown man.

Who does it for you? You do. What is stopping him? A guess would be tv or computer until late at night.

This won't improve. Ltb.

Cross posted

In response to this mornings outburst. This was likely to happen. You annoyed him yesterday and he was looking for an opportunity to get angry. it could have been anything.

No, you should not be ironing his shirts or making his lunches - unless you want to and have the time yourself. You work full time too, don't you? yes, it is good within a relationship to do things for each other to help out, but would he ever do the same for you and this time, you needed to make a point.

he doesn't have the right to lie in bed late and then expect you to pick up the pieces. I don't even let my kids do this. They take responsibility for their own things and take the consequences when things aren't done.

I am trying to get to the bottom of why he is like this and for me, it seems like his expectations of you are stuck in his own family ways. he may have accepted your own modern ways for a while, but it is wearing thin and he wants you to just fall into line. he honestly can't understand why you can't and won't. To him it seems like you are being difficult on purpose.

The question is, are you willing to carry on?

I wouldn't have ironed his shirt, and I wouldn't have made his lunch

I made it clear to my DC from secondary school age that they were their own responsibility and if it didn't get done by them in time, it didn't get done

But I guess that's the point AF the ops husband had the opposite upbringing to this.
OP I think you've had some really good advice here and if you can sit your OH down and discuss these issues without arguing then you may have a chance to resolve this.
However I doubt that he will ever really 'get it' as he seems to see looking after his daughter or doing housework as helping you out. He clearly does not see that any of this as part of his responsibilities and these values seem fairly ingrained from what you have told us.

Good luck whatever you decide

My Dh had the kind of upbringing where his mother worked FT but still did all the childcare and all the housework

It is very clear he didn't marry his mother, and any attempts to mould me into such would not be tolerated (he didn't even try, although she made a couple of half hearted attempts in the early days....)

whatdoesittake His mum is basically the family maid. He has seen his mum do ALL the house chores from cooking to cleaning. He can't cook. He doesn't and hasn't been made to clean the house. He doesn't wash or iron his own clothes and has never been made to sort his own lunch out. His mum has failed him in giving him fucking life skills and skills to be a good partner.

He has seen his dad be emotionally abusive to his mum growing up. His mum walks on eggshells around his dad and you can tell she is deeply unhappy with how her life has turned out but can do nothing about it. He talks to her so badly sometimes, and in his eyes does no wrong and never apologies. Problem is had I known this is what has influenced by husband's upbringing I would have seriously reconsidered us having a future.

Problem with Asian families is that you don't meet the families much before the wedding, you don't live with your partner pre-marriage because it's frowned upon and not allowed by parents. So you don't know the other side of your fiancé and how he lives. It's stupid.

He was amazing when we were going out. Really fun. As soon as we got married it all changed. 4 years of gradual decline.

I used to work full time and do basically everything in the house despite telling him he needs to do more. We then had our daughter and I gave up my job to stay at home. He now expects me to do most things as I'm at home. He also has started getting annoyed if food is not made for 6 when he gets home from work. I do try but sometimes I am busy. He goes to the gym so needs to eat quickly before going but often I am busy at that time getting our daughter ready for bed and struggle to do both around the same time. He can't cook and he doesn't take it upon himself to sort our little girl out ready for bed unless I tell him.

I know I'm at home so can sort the house and food out but with looking after a toddler and lack of support from him, I get fed up and annoyed. I miss working every day. I have started doing a bit of supply work but it's irregular.

He has even worse traits and if I were to write them down you would all laugh at why I am with this guy.

I can imagine

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

My friend is Asian and she has divorced her abusive h. You can do the same. She has no sense of shame even though she did blame herself for his abuse of her for many years; her only regret was staying within it for so long. His abuse of her has affected her DD because she saw her mum being verbally abused and belittled on a daily basis.

Please for your sake and your child's do not perpetuate the cycle that his mother is still doing. She did not leave and look at her now; a shadow of her former self. That is your future if you stay with such an individual. Abusers cut across all classes and creeds.

Abusers can do nice/nasty very well but its really a continuous cycle of abuse. He would have been on his best behaviour before marriage, it was perhaps shortly after or even shortly before marriage that his true nature emerged.

Hi again AnotherRandom. Weirdly enough, there was no big argument or dramatic climax that made me leave in the end. It was a slow realisation that I didn't love him anymore, brought on by his treatment of me and our children. He was a terrible chauvinist who didn't lift a finger in the house and left the child care solely to me. He was also a very heavy drinker, and was verbally abusive, and on occasions, physically abusive, (in the form of pushing, grabbing my wrists to pull me to another room etc) I was really in a very dark place :( I always thought there'd have to be a huge event, like me finding out he'd cheated one, or him really thumping me, to create a big dramatic argument where I'd tell him I wanted to split. Then one day I was talking to a friend and she gently pointed out that this 'event' may never happen. That I would be waiting forever, in this desperate state of unhappiness, for a 'legitimate reason' and for some reason, this just clarified everything in my mind. I realised that the fact that I didn't love him and he treated me (and our boys) badly WAS ENOUGH of a reason already. It took another fortnight of agonising, but then one evening, I stood in the kitchen and just thought "I actually can't do this anymore" so I took swallowed small neat vodka, went into the living room, told him I was unhappy and wanted a divorce. He was utterly, utterly vile to me, but I clenched my nails into my palms, kept calm, and just repeated "It doesn't matter what you do to me, what you say to me, however you treat me......this IS what's going to be happening." I refused to enter into a "You've done this, that and the other" conversation with him. Just kept calmly reiterating my point.
It's a terribly long story all in all, with a huge amount of back history and of course the story of what's happened since. But it was the best, bravest thing I've ever done, and I don't regret one thing about ending my marriage. Just wish I'd done it sooner! I never thought I'd get out of it, never thought I could manage without him and never thought I'd be happy again.......but I did, I can and I am! It can be a really great life once you get rid of the things that make it so terribly hard xx

Moving post, TNB. I am glad you found the strength from somewhere.

atilla thank you. At the moment what do I get? I have a husband who provides for the family financially and keeps the bills paid. I don't get much else to be honest. There are no more random hugs out of the blue, kisses out of the blue, comments on me looking nice. And I'm not saying I NEED them but I would like to hear some nice things from my husband. The only time he really shows me affection is when we are in bed and he will try to snuggle up to me and try it on. I'm sick of it. I need affection at other times of the day than just in bed.

If anything we rarely do anything together and if we do make time, guaranteed we will argue about something :( if I haven't cooked for a couple of days for whichever reason he is quick to point out that I haven't cooked on this day or that day and then tell me I don't do as much as I make out around the house.

He doesn't like me wearing skirts shorter than my ankle. Same for dresses. Gets all funny if the neighbour next door is in his garden because you can see into our kitchen (small fence between houses) and my husband will pull the blind down . He doesn't drink or smoke. He's not financially abusive. He used to be physically aggressive towards me whereby when we would argue, if I would go to walk off he would grab my wrists and pull me back in the room and use his physical size to intimidate me. It's all so depressing writing this down. He doesn't do that anymore, he is just miserable when having argued.

TNB wow your post really hits a nerve with me. Like i get this gut feeling it will be me writing that post in a few years time. Phew I have a lot to think about :(

I'm not often a LTB type poster, but LTB,

you can hear in your post just how resigned you are to his bad behaviour, he refused to help you out with dd because you argued? How old is he?

is this how you want the next 20 odd years of your life to be?

AR, we all have that strength inside of us. You just need to tap into it, and stop waiting for things to happen to you

So true! I am just a big wimp. The thought of change scares me. The realisation my life is actually a bit turd saddens me. I've spoken to WA before, twice, just to offload my problems but might ask for advice on my options.

I don't work, I have no way to support myself. I don't know what would happen to the house. So will need to find some answers for my questions. Thanks again for listening to me ramble, really do appreciate your honesty.

great post tnb x

He would have the duty to support you financially, wouldn't he? Much more experienced people than me will be able to say more but he can't just leave you and your children high and dry.

I've read this through and I am sad for you AR. Due to whatever cultural imprinting you are living with someone who sees you as a domestic appliance. If you step out of line you are malfunctioning and can maybe be shouted at or pushed back into working properly. If you announced you have had enough you would get the full cycle of nice and nasty manipulation to try to get you to "give it another try" or promises he will change. But why should he? When you are cooperating his life is cushy and he has no motivation to do any more at home or help share the burden.

It is just so depressing that there are quite young men growing up in 2014 who believe women are just there to service their needs and have no right to an independent life outside the home.

Please make yourself independent. Get back into work and a social life of your own and stop being his servant. He may decide to change if he realises what he could lose. He may not be capable of change. But please don't go on being downtrodden and unhappy. You deserve more!

Where do draw the line between culture and a personality that takes advantage of growing up in a misogynistic culture and takes those norms and tries to impose them on his young family. My dh is Nigerian, I am white british, he is irons his own shirts, will sort out his work lunches, and I don't thinks he has batted an eyelid if I've been home after him though he might call to check all is well.

Not to rub salt in your wounds, just to say that I don't believe someone is 100% defined by their upbringing and culture, that sometimes one has to look beyond and see the person for what they are.

Not that even western, british culture is perfect. My best friend and her dp are white british and her dp will not lift a finger at home, not one, she irons all his shirts gone 10pm after her working part time and looking after dc but because he works full time (9-5 office) he thinks his right to fall asleep in front of the tv. She wouldn't leave him, her dad treated her mum just the same and my friend doesn't want to lose her lovely home (they're not married). So the pattern of accepting abuse will continue with her own daughter no doubt.

I am posing trying a solution for the immediate future whilst you look for what you want in the long term

could you ( when you are acting normally around each other and not arguing) say to him "I know we both hate arguing, so I want to try and put in place a structure to prevent it. I think a clear rota on a daily basis of what we expect from each other "

would he go for that

you say you worked before having your DC, can you start looking into returning to work? You need to start planning a future for yourself, and sorting yourself out financially will be the start of that.

Somehow parents are failing to bring up their boys to understand that women are independent human beings - but that is another thread entirely.

While I understand the argument that the SAHM should look after the home (after all you are the one in the home), it applies to working hours only and doesn't involves doing everything for another adult. You are there to look after your child, not him.

I have been at the wrong end of the independence argument and told that once married you become a unit. Of course he was set right on this. I am not and never will be one person with my husband, I am my own person and complimented by my husband. he has added to my personality, not consumed it. I have independent thought and needs and must always maintain that. This is so much easier when my relationship isn't further cluttered by cultural issues. Independence isn't separateness.

try telling your husband that you refuse to follow the cultural stereotypes he has been brought up with and see his reaction. You may be able to get this through to him.

if he cannot accept it you have two choices. leave immediately or as soon as you can. Or build up your life again as an individual - go back to work, earn your own money, go out with friends and enjoy a life separate from your husband. Get your self esteem back and see what his reaction to that is.