Advice on how to deal with my husband :(

[AnotherRandom]

Hi everyone. I've posted here before and got some much needed support and i'm in desperate need of it again :( this is long I'm so sorry!

My husband is making my life hard sometimes. We bicker so often these days it drains me of my energy.

I'm pretty sure he is the one with the problem but I don't think I help situations. I've read a lot on this forum and it has really empowered me but I think this has caused more friction in our relationship.

An example, one which 100% confuses me. Today I went out with my toddler at around just after 4. I got back a few minutes after my husband got home from work so around 6.10. He started to question where i had been. How long i had been there. He then asked me in a really horrible way 'so you chose to go out 1.5 hours before i was due to come home?'

What the actual fuck?!! He was annoyed that I was not home before him I was genuinely baffled and asked why I would need to be home before him and he wasn't giving a reason. He said my mum would do that (get home before my dad) and I said I wouldn't do this and have never done this so why expect it? He got more annoyed and said it is common decency for me to be home before him???

This lead to an argument about why I should have been home before him and how he would do that for me. He then started getting his things ready for the gym and ignored my toddler. This really upset me. I asked him to get the toddler ready for bed and spend a bit of time with her and he refused. He does this a lot when we argue. He said he cares a lot for her but doesn't want to be around me hence going out to the gym.

I told him I would go upstairs if I have annoyed him so much but he kept refusing to spend time with her! He then said he didn't want to get her ready for bed because it would help me out and he doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is not going gym now and did get her ready for bed but is going to continue the argument when she is asleep and I am back downstairs. I don't even know what the hell to talk about. It all seems so pathetic. He is really hard to talk/argue with because he manipulates what i say and goes on and on. Literally it can go on for over an hour.

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this? Or am I just being pathetic? I really don't know anymore. I have tried to stand my ground, be reasonable, be understanding but he makes it so hard and when I do get annoyed he says I start the arguments.

My husband is also from a traditionally "macho" culture, and didn't have to do much for himself growing up - his mum or the maid took care of everything - though his mum also worked outside the home both as a teacher and as a successful business woman. (She would, for example, wait on the men at the table and often not sit down to eat until after them. They never lifted a finger at home.)
So he came to the UK in his 20s having never once made his own bed. I was a bit nervous about how things would be as our relationship became more serious, given his background.
Well, he is not a man-baby and he quickly realised when he arrived in the UK that he'd better learn to cook a bit and if he didn't tidy up after himself he'd live in a pit. So he learnt new habits. We met, moved in together and married. And though whilst I am currently on mat leave I do most of the cooking, tidying, laundry etc, he fully mucks in when he's not working with housework, and with caring for our daughter and for our baby twins.(We do also pay for a few hours a week of domestic help because 3 under 3 is tough going, and we are lucky enough to be able to).
And he loves it if I make his lunch, and thanks me for it, so I do it fairly often because his appreciation makes me feel good, but I would just want to throw the Tupperware at him if it was an expectation that it was my job. I could count on my fingers the number of shirts I have ironed for him - only in the occasional crisis when he really couldn't do it himself.
And he values having an intelligent wife to share major financial and other decisions with, and has supported my slow difficult climb through a very male-dominated profession both emotionally and practically, and is proud of my career achievements.
Our marriage has its difficult moments as any does, but my point is that it is absolutely possible to overcome the cultural and/or family relationship models you grew up with. Your husband is CHOOSING not to, and to be a disrespectful chauvinist bully with it. You, however, do not have to put up with it.
Does he have any male friends whose attitudes to division of labour and mutual respect within marriage are not so repellent? Might they have influence? For me, if a man I was married to had entrenched beliefs that my role was subservient, I couldn't stay. And I am the last person to think of LTB as a solution. I imagine he would also find the idea of separation/divorce shameful - could that by any chance be a lever for behaviour change, of confronted with that as an alternative? But seek legal advice and get your exit strategy sorted and watertight first if you choose to explore that one. And if you left, in my book you'd deserve a medal, not shame. If your family are pretty liberal, then I'm sure they would value your happiness first and foremost. Very best of luck.

I definitely do need to get back into work and have my own source of income. I have a separate account which I could put some money into, however money is tight at the moment so it won't be anything significant for me to make a move.

He would never allow our daughter to go into childcare because he says it's not neccessary and his family can look after her. I have suggested it before but he wasn't happy with it. Nobody in my family can care for her as they all work full time.

Yesterday I thought wow things are back to normal, but this morning it all came crashing down. All over our daughter's milk beaker. He told me to rinse it multiple times throughout the day, I told him this isn't necessary. We both gave our reasons, he wasn't happy I didn't agree with him. Things escalated. He started shouting at me. Kept going to leave to go to work but would come back and shout some more. Told me i like to cause arguments. Called me a prick, then called me a cunt. Came into my face and shouted at me but was aware the blinds were up so moved back a bit. He told me I was raising my voice on purpose because I know he can't lift a finger at me. I told him that thought shouldn't even cross his head.

Eventually after ranting for ten minutes and getting even more later for work he left. Yesterday he was normal and now a twat. I've had no chance to call WA because his parents were here last night. They will be here again tonight. During the day i can't do it either as my daughter will just scream while I'm on the phone.

He doesn't have many friends. In fact only one good close friend and just a few friends at work. He doesn't see his one good friend very often and one time domestic chores came up in the converstion and his friend said to me it is my fault I didn't stand my ground earlier in the relationship with regards to sharing tasks. But I did :( he just didn't want to know.

Should I talk to my family again? :(

Hello Another, I am really sorry to hear you and your little ones troubles. I do think you should try and speak to your family again, maybe you were too nice about your husband before and need to be more honest. It's so difficult though, I know I hate tell g my mum if any thing has happened because she is obviously so upset. And I can tell she's thinking just leave the bastard!
We all stay hoping it's going to improve, I've not seen an example of that yet xxxx big love

stick your daughter in front of the TV while you make the call.

Would you be able to move back in with your family, at least for a while, while you get things sorted?

I wouldn't leave your DD in your ILs care. If your money pays for her childcare, I don't personally see he has a leg to stand on, and depending on her age (ie if she's over 3) you get 15 free hours anyway.

Thank you daiseehope. I was pretty honest about him to my parents originally and told them how he would restrain me during arguments and his lack of support around the home. Nothing really happened apart from a chat. They are aware of him but nothing really gets mentioned anymore.

mrsoakenshield my daughter will not give two hoots about the tv if she sees I am on the phone. If I leave the room she will just follow me. She is 20 months old and quite difficult at the moment. The only time I would get is in the evening if I was home alone.

Moving back in with my parents isn't an option as there is no room for us. My younger siblings live there and it's only a 3 bed with all rooms occupied. I have nowhere to go. Staying put seems the only option at the moment. Getting a job in my field takes time as vacancies for full or part time posts don't come by very often within a 20mile radius from home.

I could get any other job but it would not pay enough compared to what I used to be on. I would also need enough to cover childcare and pay for my expenditure, renting or whatever I end up doing. I have no idea what would happen to the house.

If I was to leave it would not be able to happen soon as I have no savings. Some days because it all reverts back to normal and nice, I second guess myself and think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Is there anyone else apart from WA I could get advice from?

I'm sorry you're going through this AnotherRandom - the more you post the worse he sounds.

Just a couple of thoughts based on your most recent posts- if he restrains you during arguments you should call the police.

Secondly the decision about whether your DD goes into childcare is not just his to make. All of his behaviour is set up to trap you and your DD, so that you are left without options.

Yeh it's sad really, I feel stuck at the moment. If I've been out and about busy during the day with our toddler and not had time to do much around the house, or more importantly, not cook dinner, he will be such a miserable git. He will say 'did you need to go there? You know I am back at 6. You know I have to go gym. Why couldn't you leave earlier?'.

Literally I clock watch a lot because of him. Sometimes I forget to check the time and then rush to get home. He's not always annoyed if I'm not home but sometimes he is and then argues. So it's like as standard I should just be home to save myself the hassle of an argument.

I would love to go back to work but for that to work I would need him to be more helpful around the house and it just won't happen. He has a big problem with tidying the bathroom, doing the kitchen and doing any form of cleaning really. If I stopped doing things for him he would make my life difficult and guilt trip me 'so and so's wife makes their lunch why can't you? You are my wife why can't you help me? What is the point in marriage if we don't do things for one another' (that corker came out in an argument last year and stuck in my head ever since)

He doesn't restrain me anymore but does come and stand right in my face, screws his face up with anger and shouts at me :( will bang his hand on the door/wall or whatever is there. In fact I read my diary and last november he got so mad at me, he got my hair brush, slammed it on the ironing board and threw the broken handle at my face :( if I had not of moved, it would have hit me. I told him that and he said he was hoping it would as he was aiming for me. But the thing is he says I provoke him, and I probably do make him angry because I am not shutting up and just accepting the bullshit he comes out with, I want to stand my ground. He doesn't like it.

He did buy a new brush but has never apologised for what he did. He never does.

My friend's ex behaved in very much the same sort of ways as this person is doing and it almost destroyed my friend. I met her regularly and encouraged her to still keep thinking for herself; what life would be like without him in it day to day. I planted seeds and kept on supporting. She herself made the decision to leave him eventually. It took her several years to get him out but I can tell you now she and her child are a lot bloody happier. Her only regret is not leaving him sooner, she wanted it to work for the sake of her child. She had to come to the painful realisation (with my support) that it was never going to work.

He does not have to physically restrain you to control your every thought and move. His stuff remains undamaged; its your stuff that is being broken and or thrown at you. He's still abusing and controlling you (you end up modifying your behaviours to avoid argument but he still argues with you) and all his behaviours would be under the umbrella called domestic violence.

Please talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. It is not your fault he is this way.

You are not powerless but you need help, support and a plan in order to leave.

In our area, it is possible to get childcare funding from aged 2...for different circumstances

i gor it because i am a SP, was retraining and myy eldest has SENs

you could get a place i think because you are living with domestic abuse. I know someone who did. It is 15 hours a week. You would have to disclose to them, but it would be confidential. Speak to your local children's centre if you feel able. Or your GP or HV would be able to help i am sure

Women's aid will be used to screaming children. It sounds like you are hesitant. Take a lower paying job while you look for one in your field. You should be entitled to tax credits and help with child care. Please bear in mind how bad this is for your daughter to live like this. There is help out there but you need to get out and do something.many of us here have been in this situation, we are not just guessing when giving advice. Don't minimise how he treats you, he does lay a hand on you if he restrains you, and he us emotionally abusing you. Give your daughter a toy phone,and let her talk on that. Do anything to call them. Phone them while you are out with her in the buggy, whatever it takes.

I think you should talk to your parents and at the very least allow them to decide if they can squeeze you into their home, without you deciding that they won't be able to. I think their reaction to what you told them before was significant and my gut tells me they would support you if they knew the full picture.

You must not assume that things cannot work out in your favour. Understandably your confidence is low but you can make it work- even with less money - as your emotional well being will improve away from this man.

LTB

Could you show this thread to your parents, and then ask them for help?

When you are pushing your daughter in a pram, make the call.

Thank you for your comments.

I managed to call WA earlier on and managed to get through to a lady who i originally spoke to on my first call 5 months ago. She told me about going to a refuge. It all sounded so scary. She explained what would happen from there.

I'm going to digest this information as it doesn't seem real or possible and I'm scared of change, even if it is for the better. I feel so low :(

I can see that the idea of a refuge would be scary, although I think it's brilliant that it's there as an option.

Where would you like to be in two years' time? What would you like your life to look like?

In two years time, I don't know really. I just want to be happier and enjoy my life more. I feel so low these days. I don't want to leave this house, it's my home :( so I can't really look forward to two years time so positively because i feel like I am losing so much at the moment.

Leaving, even temporalary might be a shock that he needs. It's sounds like no one is happy in this relationship and sometimes a break helps to re assess things.

I hope you do what's best for you and your daughter. I'm sure children realise quickly when parents dislike one another, this won't be positive for her self esteem.

Do you really want this life (or worse) 10 years from now?

I think you should speak to your family, if my daughter was been treated like you are I would make room in my home. Me and dh would sleep on the sofa to ensure she is safe, happy and being fully supported. Your thread is very sad, but I doubt he will ever change, he is threatening and very petty ( the bowl incident). My dh is a sahd and all I 'expect' from him is to take the best care of our children whilst I am working. When I get in we both do stuff round the house or with the baby. I do not expect my lunch to be made, but am grateful when it is. Get 30 mins free advice from a solicitor, do you fully know his income and savings, mortgage, pension, shares etc? Get the documents together, photocopy and hide with a friend, you may need these in the future.

Just some advice as I'm confused.

My husband has been angry with me since I went out earlier and left him at home with our daughter longer than what he was expecting. I went to town for a bit then went to do the food shop. He moaned saying his weekend is wasted even though he normally gets to do what he likes anyway.

He swore at me before putting the phone down so I was quite nervous going home. He wasnt there and had taken our daughter to his parents house. I put the shopping away, cleaned the house and cooked dinner. He came home at 6, left our daughter with me and went upstairs. Missed the whole bedtime routine as he was on the phone. I put her to sleep and came down to him on the iPad watching some video. We didn't speak during dinner. I fell asleep momentarily on the sofa and then decided to come to bed.

He decided now was the best time to argue with me. Asked why I was goin up so early so told him I've been busy and awake since 6 so im tired. Well he went off on one and told me that's no reason to be tired. Kept telling me throughout our argument/talk I was talking loud and to be quiet. He does this to me all the time I would lower my voice but not enough and he would keep asking me. Eventually I got so angry I left and came upstairs.

However I am thinking have I just missed an opportunity to clear the air or have I made things worse by leaving the argument and now extending this misery into tomorrow?

Anybody? Any advice? I just need some support :(

Just read through your thread AnotherRandom, he really is a bully and I do think what WA said about going to a refuge is food for thought. He obviously thinks he can throw his weight around as he likes, and you should be just at his beck and call - stuff that. He is not a loving partner, he's an abusive bully.

I'm sorry you are going through such a horrible time, Another. He is being vile to you and it really sounds as if he has no desire to accept that his behavior is bullying and abusive.

It doesn't sound as though there would be much point in telling him exactly how you feel about the way is towards you, as he will just throw it back in your face rather than look at himself.

I really think you need to keep working on an escape plan. Keep the image in your mind of the way you would like to be living, i.e, without someone bringing you down, haranguing you and being constantly critical.

Use that image to give you the strength you need to get away from him - I really can't see him changing when he has no respect for you at all.

Good luck.

You haven't missed an opportunity. He doesn't want the air to be clear. He wants you tired and worried. Try to get some sleep.

Lots of EA partners use lack of sleep to grind their dps down. When I was with an EA partner and worrying about their response or what they would be like in the morning, I'd remind myself that they were choosing to be like that. He might be nice in the morning. He might be trying to prolong the argument. They are his choices. You don't need to be held ransom to his emotions.

Imagine a protective bubble round you if it helps. Imagine in the grand scale of life, how insignificant it is that you were a bit late back from shopping for your family. He's constantly creating crisis points. Your response or/and actions have little to do with how he's going to behave tonight or tomorrow.

YY to everything Kate said.

Just typical, starting an argument when you're at your most tired. And as for telling you you have no right to be tired!! What an idiot.

I hope you manage to get some rest.

i don't think you are being the best parent you can be staying in this realtionship, you are doing your child a huge disservice