Advice on how to deal with my husband :(

[AnotherRandom]

Hi everyone. I've posted here before and got some much needed support and i'm in desperate need of it again :( this is long I'm so sorry!

My husband is making my life hard sometimes. We bicker so often these days it drains me of my energy.

I'm pretty sure he is the one with the problem but I don't think I help situations. I've read a lot on this forum and it has really empowered me but I think this has caused more friction in our relationship.

An example, one which 100% confuses me. Today I went out with my toddler at around just after 4. I got back a few minutes after my husband got home from work so around 6.10. He started to question where i had been. How long i had been there. He then asked me in a really horrible way 'so you chose to go out 1.5 hours before i was due to come home?'

What the actual fuck?!! He was annoyed that I was not home before him I was genuinely baffled and asked why I would need to be home before him and he wasn't giving a reason. He said my mum would do that (get home before my dad) and I said I wouldn't do this and have never done this so why expect it? He got more annoyed and said it is common decency for me to be home before him???

This lead to an argument about why I should have been home before him and how he would do that for me. He then started getting his things ready for the gym and ignored my toddler. This really upset me. I asked him to get the toddler ready for bed and spend a bit of time with her and he refused. He does this a lot when we argue. He said he cares a lot for her but doesn't want to be around me hence going out to the gym.

I told him I would go upstairs if I have annoyed him so much but he kept refusing to spend time with her! He then said he didn't want to get her ready for bed because it would help me out and he doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is not going gym now and did get her ready for bed but is going to continue the argument when she is asleep and I am back downstairs. I don't even know what the hell to talk about. It all seems so pathetic. He is really hard to talk/argue with because he manipulates what i say and goes on and on. Literally it can go on for over an hour.

Any advice on what to do? Or how to deal with a man like this? Or am I just being pathetic? I really don't know anymore. I have tried to stand my ground, be reasonable, be understanding but he makes it so hard and when I do get annoyed he says I start the arguments.

I don't have much to add to the sound advice you've already had, but I wanted to add my support. Your husband is a disrespectful, abusive bully. Please start planning your escape so you and your daughter can have a future without him. His behaviour towards both you and your daughter are harmful for both of you. Time to go. Take care in the meantime & be kind to yourself.

Another, keep strong. I really feel for you , sleep well x

There will be no argument to clear the air - you are in an abusie relationship and your husband is wearing you down.

There is nothing you can say or do or no hoop that you can jump through to make him change his behaviour.

Please take steps - call your parents or a friend or woman's aid - you will find support there.

You must be physically and emotionally exhausted having to go through this every day. I couldn't bear the strain of being yelled at like that every day (not to mention having to put up with such a lazy sod trying to bully me into pampering him. )
I've seen friends of mine leave their husbands despite financial hardship and without exception, they are always happier. You know your life is crap right now. Can you really put up with this for years???

Thank you all for replying.

Had a great sleep, came down at 6.30. He started another argument with me this morning but of course blamed me saying it was my fault.

I asked him if he wanted breakfast as I was going to make myself some. He said he would be down in 15 minutes. I thought there is no point making tea and toast yet as it would be cold by the time he comes down so made some weetabix for our daughter and fed her. He came down just as I had finished feeding her.

He was annoyed that breakfast wasn't made. I explained why not and he said I should have told him that I wasn't going to be making it yet. I said it doesn't matter and that it takes no more than 5 minutes to sort it out. He wouldn't let it lie so out of frustration at his twatish behaviour, I turned my face away and stared at the tv.

This pissed him off so badly. He started saying how rude and that he is talking to me and now I am being rude and starting an argument.

He then went to the kitchen and saw I had made myself a cup of warm water and honey and said 'so you've made your own drink? You might as well fucking make your own breakfast, I'm having porridge'.

So he is not talking to me again.

I cannot even think about leaving just yet, it feels wrong but I know I have the option to leave. I need to get things in order and plan how I intend to do this. It won't happen overnight. What makes me sad is that if I go to a refuge, I won't be allowed to live in my hometown or any town nearby. I had all these plans for my daughter, her name is down at a nursery. It's all so sad :(

Why does it feel wrong to leave?. Perhaps you think this out of supposed shame on your part and embarrassment that this marriage as failed; these feelings though are totally misplaced. He has failed you utterly here, its not your fault he is abusive towards you and by turn your DD because she is seeing and hearing all this as well from him.

It is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.
Make plans with our help and support on MN to leave asap. Use the services of Womens Aid as well; they can and will help you on 0808 2000 247.

Your H deliberately set you up here to fail with regards to the argument that he himself engineered. His tactics were deliberate and are often used in the armoury of abusive behaviour. He just wants you barefoot, dependent and kept at home.

Op my ex used to manufacture arguments, he did it because he is an alcoholic and needed an excuse to get drunk all weekend. Your h is doing this purely to be able to have an excuse to have a go at you

You can test this by just saying OK to everything one day. He'll find something to have a go at believe me. You will NEVER get it right, he doesn't want you to

You need to start planning and getting some money squirreled away somehow. Obviously if he raises a hand to you in any way, or threatens you verbally, you must use the opportunity to call the police. Get him removed

Hi another, been reading through this thread very losely for the last hour and couldnt help but post.
Women sometimes seem to doubt that they can do it on there own - and think they need a man for financial support. You dont. If you move out on your own you will get tax credits to help cover your child care while you work. If you are that desperate to get out your family will be more supportive than you think - sleep on the sofa for a few weeks, im sure anything will be better than staying in the negative environment you are in at the moment.
Im not judging at all, my rship isnt the best, but im concerned as to where your DD is when you are argueing each morning? - you mention he swears a lot, is this around her? first and formostly i would be telling him as soon as he gets home from work after a row in the morning that it is unacceptable to argue infront of her and that if this doesnt stop you will leave. You mentioned your DD is quite clingy and the constant argueing is probably having some affect on her which im sure you dont want.
You need to make the decision to leave - then once you have decided approach your parents and say you need some help for a few weeks, its for the best for their grandchild, they will not refuse. you can do it if you really want to dont ever think you cant make it work. Tax credits application will take up to 6 wks, can you get a credit card/load to give you the cash for a deposit on a house to rent? tax credits will definately cover the childcare anyway if you are a single parent so start thinking more along the lines of you CAN do this if you want out, there is always a way!

Why would you offer to make his breakfast, is he a child? Can he find his own way to the kitchen? You are not his mother, you are his equal not the au pair. Start standing up for yourself, if he wants to have an argument,leave the room. He sounds like he could start an argument in an empty room anyway so leave him to it.

Hi OP, just read the entire thread, I'm sorry for you and your daughter. I think you are bogged down in despair with good reason and can't see the light of day. Being proactive will help you sort out this mess. I would
• call a solicitor, see where you stand,knowledge is power.
•talk to your parents about crashing at theirs for a few weeks. Even if it is just to get some headspace.
•decide how you are going to handle your husband, tuning out/ignoring him might help for a few days, just to get your bearings back. Hard but you need to somehow detach from the abuse whilst you sort your head out.
• talk to your GP and ask for advice.
• call your local childrens centre for advice/ help, you might be suprised with what you find.
•accept that you are in an EA relationship:(

Remember you have a little girl that sees and hears everything and your #1 priority is to her. This is a disastrous situation for you both. We are all behind you, cheering you on.