Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

What you actually need is a 35 ish physio

Glad the OLD is going well and at least making you . And that you've had a generally positive weekend - dream, well at least it's not RL! Hopefully as other things start to take priority, things like that will get less common.

Funnliy enough part of the dream was me afterwards telling my friend what I had done and the mortified look on her face.

Actually personal slave sounds rather good lol

Got another appointment to see GP in the morning about shoulder and neck pain. The drugs I have are not working, cannot go on like this, not sleeping and in agony and biggest problem is that working is so hard and I so need the money, also been referred for physio but will probably take weeks, might of cut my arm off by then.
Rant over and breathe

I hope they're a bit more proactive and can sort some help out for you Blossom!

My situation wasn't exactly the same as yours, but there are possibly parallels and I hope it helps.

I dislocated both shoulders and one didn't heal properly. I was in absolute agony for about two years. However one of the things that really didn't help was tension in me. There were issues with nerve damage and all sorts, but the big thing that helped was an easing of the tension.

Is there any way you can get a non medical massage etc? Have you tried wheatbags - not good for pain but may take some of the tension out of it.

I am probably talking rubbish, but it may be worth a go.

Still wishing you loads of luck

Thanks lisa I think you are right tension does not help, thinking of trying long soak in the bath tonight and sauna @ the gym.

Also going to be called tomorrow from someone re counselling, have no idea what to expect.

It's gone on so long, don't feel like a wimp or pest for making another appointment, if it were DS you'd not care about the possibility of being mistaken for a clucky nuisance.

Well been told to carry on with painkillers and added amithiptyline,for night time, waiting for physio to get in touch GP also has arranged a Xray as thinks there might be impingment, causing pain. So fingers crossed

Remember the Electricity saga, just checked and surprise he has not paid as promised.

Am feeling very angry right now, also irritable with DS, seems to think his dad is great phah!

Hard though it is, I think that it is a good thing for our DC to think their dads are great, at least for some of the time (I have similar with DD now 22, 20 when we split). It is also right and proper for you to be irritated by DS for this, and to be angry with FW.

Ex can be a great dad to DS but he wasn't a great partner to you. DS is old enough to recognise the roles are separate.

Hope you hear from the physio very soon.

Thanks. Thing is FW is not a good parent, all he has done in last 7 weeks is take DS to see a in inappropriate movie, take him shopping, no doubt where has to buy himself clothes and pub, because he just hates the pub. Funnily enough DS out and back with 2 hours. Has not occured FW to make any effort
Not sure to text him about electricty but can't afford to pay atm.
When I think of him now I feel nothing but utter contempt

Yebbut maybe... to DS that has nothing to do with whether he is a great dad or not - he likes just being with him, out in the world together, it scarcely matters what his dad does (unless he is nasty to him).

Yes, I still have utter comtempt for my Ex. I no longer ill-wish him, though. Luckily I have not set eyes on him since he moved out Aug 2012 (despite DD choosing to live at his)

I would just like to say, I actually feel happy today, god knows why, had to call RAC because car will not start and the car FW gave back to me is making an alarming noise and having to take that to garage later. Not even started taking happy pills, seems like something switched in my brain, I am going to enjoy this feeling today. I also fancy that pain is just a little better today.

Oh that's really nice to hear, who cares why, go with the flow .

Texted FW to ask why he had not paid Eon ( he had promised to pay by the 20th) and when can I expect the next payment for Feb he said he is skint, and started whingeing, " I am working 6 days a week and giving all away" to which I replied this none of my concern and I mothered him long enough. Reply I got was I could always sell the house and the I would have some money. Shamefully called him a fuckwit

Still happy though and chatting some chap tonight on the phone I have been texting all week on Match, bit nervous!

blossom sounds like you are "feeling your oats" as they say of horses. This is why you overengaged with FW by text (against MN regulations ) but sometimes you gotta say what you gotta say.

So has reneged on out " agreement" about money, I am nor surprised, said he is skint but DS told me he had just bought a laptop this week(someone who has always slammed everything technical) He is now being a taxi service to DS and giving him a £10 everytime he seems him, /can't even rebothered to tell what time he is coming back, I just feel like fucking off for a long drive to to seaside but DS does not have a key ( can't trust him not to let FW in.) and so I am just stuck here, I could seriously cry [anger]

This is no good, he has you rooted to the spot when you should be free to go where you want. Are you on good terms with a neighbour? In future you could leave a spare key for her to let DS in, and he could then ring to say he's back. Or would keeping up with plans via DS texting you an option?

I'm sparkly trying on a new name btw

Ah hello Sparkly, I mean Temper. Well just tried to to get out and bloody car won't start anyway but that is not the point. Just feel manipulated and just pisses me off that FW is winning.
Still have been having great fun with old getting lots of interest, might even meet up for coffee next, car permitting, the "reliable" one is booked in for tomorrow morning, have no choice to get FW to take him to school ho hum.
No neighbour to give key to. I am worried about giving key to DS as am worried FW will come into the house when I am out, what could ?I do about it is he did. I am not scared of him but it would creep me out.

I totally get it about why you can't give key to DS, and agree. Hmm, what can you do that gets the outcome you want regardless of FW? Is there a fairly nearby friend DS could be dropped at? Flexibility cuts both ways if you play it right, and can find ways to support contact without FW calling all the shots.

Have a think. Or better, go for a walk. Then have a think.

Hope you found a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, I agree DS would probably think nothing of letting his dad come into the house when you weren't around so maybe just as well not to give him a key yet. Next time as they go say you'll be out later, back by X o'clock.

That EON bill is still unpaid by ex? The one he let go into the red before Christmas?

Sorry to be slow and stupid, it is never going to be easy getting money out of your ex, I realise that. And after paying into a mortgage and being used to your lovely home I understand it would feel strange and unsettling going back to renting a smaller place. But I was just thinking, renting an energy efficient home, nearer to facilities (which as DS gets older and wants to be independent would be very useful) might not be the end of the world. Ex didn't have a financial stake in your home, did he? Quality of life is important and I know you must have memories of happy times in your home but worry and pressure over finances will leech your happiness away.

In the meantime, just to check, Ex isn't still driving a car you bought and insured for him, is he? is he off insurance to drive the car you've currently got?

DS was dropped of @ 4 with with Nando's take away, had told DS I was cooking a dinner for us, this is totally mind games.
DS could not understand why I was annoyed, he loves Nandos. This may seem trivial but so annoyed. Disney dad stikes again

Why did you not tell FW that you would be feeding DS1, rather than DS himself? To enforce your wishes, DS would have had to stand up to his DF. Info about whether kids are likely to be hungry before returning, and shared knowledge about who is going to be providing the next meal for them should be known by you and FW.

My poor friend - when she had her DD to hers for contact on a Sunday, she wanted her to have Sunday lunch with the family, but DD would turn up at midday having had Sunday lunch at her F's half an hour earlier, at 11.30.

Oh dear I sound blaming and bossy - sorry - it really isn't meant that way, I was just kind of thinking it through...