Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

I have a telephone call from GP tomorrow about the AD's review ( which as you know I have not taken) I think my system could not cope with all, so will ask him what he thinks I can do. What with everything else I could well do without this, what the expression something about when it rains it pours, I dunno,

Washing your hair, driving, doing simple tasks is a PITA if you have a shoulder, elbow, neck or all three acting up.

Exactly, driving actually makes me feel sick, but am not going to crumble and ask FW to help, I still cannot get over him telling so many times last year about how he only came back because he felt sorry for me, what complete dick. I don't care how bad things get but I will never ask him for anything ever again. ( other than the money he owes me, fucker can pay that)

Got the parents evening tonight will try not to grimace too much.

Heavens don't ask FW for any practical help.

Forgot to add, cuddles with DGCs, you need your strength for that.

He is probably sitting there thinking why I have not called him and I will never ever give him the satisfaction again. I know at some point I will run into him this as a small place, keep playing in my mind how I would react. Hope I look fabulous with a hot man on my arm but probably will be in Tesco's after a night of no sleep looking as rough as old boots, LOL

A friend was trying very hard to look composed whenever she met her ex and puzzled over why he always looked smug, later realised her DDs were texting him things like "Mum's in tears again she really misses you" and "Mum never goes out or sees anyone, she is so unhappy" .

Kids don't you just love them, she should have punched his stupid smug face. Well FW will not be getting told that from DS, I am fine in his eyes other than agony (any tears are now done in private.)

Actually it's a good excuse for any red eyes. The last time I was howling without the DCs being aware was after DM died, I peeled many many onions.

Grrrr my mother drives me insane. Just been on the phone and she asked if FW has been touch, no I reply, has he seen DS, only 2 times in 7 weeks and not once for DS1 "well it is better than some fathers as they walk away an never see their kids again and DS1 could call him" I mean really.

Again with the defence of FW, how weird. Grin and ignore.

I am glad it is not just me who thinks it is not normal. It pisses me off big style

As I said above, it's what my DM does - puts his side, however little that may be, because he isn't there to defend himsef. Takes the wind right out of my sails ... but there is always MN...

Just spoke with GP and he said keep taking the pills but if not showing any improvement next week I should go in again, it just seems to be getting worse. Grrrrrr! Also said ok to take AD's as no conficit, so might start those but despite being in agony I am feeling more optimistic.
OLD going great speaking to some lovely chaps, who knows might choose one to go out with next week or 2
FW text me last night asking if I know where his passport is and driving license was, I can's rebothered to reply. He is thinks I am going to spend one second of my life searching for it he can think again. Should have planned his exit a bit better me thinks.

Well I didn't think you had plans to go bungee jumping or anything strenuous but if that's the best the doctor can offer....

You don't have to reply to FW but so as to look like you're not being obstructive after he made some token effort to send money, I'd just text back nope haven't seen them. Then if he moans or asks you to look say you'll let him know if they turn up.

Oh how very sensible donkeys he also asked for Photos that were behind the , err moves about a year ago probably in the tip of the spar room he created his own. He is only asking for passport as his way of telling me he is planing a holiday ( like the sister moving to France) I will not rise to he bait (holds head highly)

I thought at once he's fishing to see if you ask where he's going.

Your DM would probably say, "At least he didn't use a visit to DS as an excuse to search for his paperwork! "

He is not very bright is he, I think he had planned this for sometime and was just pushing me to kick him out, after everyone has breaking point. He probably found some old biddy who has taken him under her wing, old ladies love him, yuk! Your right DM would say exactly that, which is why I will not be telling her anything anymore

Maybe in your OLD you can sound males out about how they like holidays in France, any experience living abroad.

Had a nice weekend, was actually happy at some points. Had a nice evening with a good friend on Saturday, shared a few glasses of wine an out the world to right. DS saw his dad for lunch was back within in 2 hours?
Still in agony though with shoulder and arm, painkillers not working this is rally getting me down big time.
Then last night had a stupid dream that I slept with X and have been in floods of tears, whaf is wrong with me. I need a good slap.

So sorry about the pain

I think dreaming about sex (even with X) is a good sign, somehow. (My own dreams about my Ex have been about sorting stuff in 3 houses, which in my dream, we own but can't divide. I try to sort all the clutter while he does nothing. I wake up exhausted!)

Slap, slap.

But you'd have a heart of stone not to ever think back and regret that things didn't work out. If it comes out in a dream it's a safe way to get it out.

It so annoying because lately I think I have been feeling a lot stronger and then bang I seem to slide back.
OLD dating has been amazing though have been chatting to some really really nice chaps and being really choosey, just taking it very easy but very flattered by the attention, just good to know that someone might be interested in me, Just so lost my mojo over the years.

What you are experiencing is what I have seen described often on MN - the rollercoaster. And watch out for a dip at six months in.

The OLD sounds promising! I might stalk you on the dating thread

I think being in pain has not helped, just so pissed off with it now tbh.

OLD has great entertainment value also, just this morning I had a 28 accountant from Plymouth offering to be my personal slave

Stalk away sparkly

The pain is such a nagging distraction you won't feel very forward thinking.

Personal slave, eh?