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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total tosser!

138 replies

Oopsypoopsy · 04/01/2014 23:46

I know this is one sided and very spontaneous but I finally feel I have been driven to ask opinions on my fiancé's behaviour.

Right we are the best of friends most of the time and get each other so well. Can't imagine a better person to spend my life with! The love is there both physically and mentally.

So my problem is that he can have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. He will literally point out everything I say to people that isn't perfect, everything I do that isn't perfect, for instance if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing and we have a big house! I get it, he's a perfectionist amd doesn't shy away from any housework, I'm a full time housewife and mum by the way. Well tonight he commented on my weight whilst I was eating a take away because I ate more than usual and asked if I was having a blowout before I start to try and get in to better shape on Monday. I'm a size 10 by the way and was a size 8 before 2 kids. The youngest is 3 months old.

Am I being sensitive? My problem is I can snap very quickly but I honestly think if I wasn't confronted about every imperfection in the first place I wouldn't have anything to react to. Obviously this is one sided but I never criticise him, maybe if I did start picking I'd be snapped at too!

OP posts:

sparklysilversequins · 04/01/2014 23:51

He's not a perfectionist he's a controlling mo fo!

Whatever you do it will never be enough, I had one just like this. I always said to him when he started whining "if it wasn't this it would be something else, you just like having a go at me", this was of course categorically denied.

You're not married, you say? I'd keep it that way.

Preciousbane · 04/01/2014 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elderflowergranita · 04/01/2014 23:52

From what you have said, his behaviour sounds awful. Your post is a little confusing though - I'm not sure how you can consider yourselves 'the best of friends...physically and mentally', when he puts you down so much.

You would never accept this kind of criticism from a 'regular' friend, I'm sure. Why take it from your fiancé?

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 23:59

This is not about perfectionism this is about someone who's a controlling bully.

He is not your best friend. A bf is on your side, supports rather than undermines, sees you in the most positive rather than negative light.

He is not in this relationship to be there for you, but to win, gain power and keep you down.

For your own best interests you need to get out. This will only get worse.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:01

You're not being sensitive btw you are being manipulated.

Original poster

Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 00:01

We've been together for 11 years and are planning to get married next year.

Like I said this post is spontaneous. He gets really unreasonable but it comes in bursts so we'll be fine for weeks then have a day of arguing and he then gets insulting. I was called a fat bitch tonight and obviously nothing else he said was taken rationally because I'm super sensitive about my wobbly belly. Thing is he thinks I over react to little things and it escalates to him saying something horrible like that. He usually apologises the next day but he'll just say it again next argument.

What's the solution? Is there something I can say to totally diffuse the situation? I tend to get on my high horse and make things worse!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:03

Why have you been I this so long? The only solution is to leave.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:08

Calling you a fat bitch is not rational in itself (particularly given your size), and given that it's an appalling insult, it's not likely to evoke a rational response. You can't reason with someone who talks like that anyway.

Of course you're sensitive about your belly, and that's why he chose that particular insult because he knows it will hurt.

You're not over-reacting, what he says is vile. If my husband said that to me he'd be in a hotel.

Lilacroses · 05/01/2014 00:10

He really called you a "fat bitch"? My god, that is horrible. Even when things were really grim between my ex p and myself we never threw personal, vile insults like that at each other. Anyway, if you do want to resolve it you need to speak to him when you are both calm. Tell him how his comments make you feel. Btw you were not overreacting at all.

TurnipCake · 05/01/2014 00:17

There's no point trying to calmly sit down and chat about his mistreatment of you, he feels entitled to treat you this way. Calling you a fat bitch is verbal abuse and very cruel to make jibes about your body after you've had a baby when you're particularly vulnerable. He's a controlling bully and fgs don't marry this man.

Original poster

Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 00:17

Thanks. I may have overreacted to begin with when he commented that I'd eaten more than he's ever seen me eat in one go and was I having a blowout as I've been saying I'm being good as of Monday. I felt he was judging me and has commented in the past about me not using baby weight so suppose I'm sensitive. Thing is he is bothered about my appearances and he is honest. Where most men will say you look good even if you didn't he wouldn't lie and have me look bad. It's good in a way but sometimes a bit much.

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 05/01/2014 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:19

You aren't really getting the fact that you're in an abusive relationship. You're in denial. The only solution to this is to leave.

TurnipCake · 05/01/2014 00:19

It's not about your weight. You could be a supermodel and he'd find something else to pick at because his aim is to chip away at you slowly.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 05/01/2014 00:20

You are not being sensitive. What he's saying and the way he is behaving isn't normal. Do not marry him. Does he insult his friends or colleagues every 12 weeks? I suspect not. If it's just channeled at you it will escalate after you marry.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:21

This is not about him caring about appearances or being honest, any more than it's about perfectionism - these are veiled insults - the constant undermining of you is a technique to keep you down.

Original poster

Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 00:22

To be fair I have a 4 yr old too and never got back to my ideal weight, I tried and gave up a lot of times, I'm terrible at exercise and dieting and I got annoyed with myself. He felt like if he said how proud he was I stopped trying and if he was harsh it would make me angry and want to do it in spite of him but right now he's being negative when I'm saying about starting on Monday but I don't respond to that kind of thing!

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 00:24

"My partner is horrible"

"yes he is"

"No he isn't, and actually he is wonderful 95% of the time and he is a great father"

"That isn't a great father"

"but it's my fault he is horrible and I'm no saint myself"

< MN gives up >

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 05/01/2014 00:25

And my second husband thought I looked amazing size 16 after our baby was born, he honestly loved me and my attitude and appearance as much then as the size 8/10 I am now... My exH said I was fat at size 8! He was an abusive tosser too.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:25

He is very controlling of your weight and your body, do you see that? It's not normal or healthy.

What's his body like?

McFox · 05/01/2014 00:28

This really doesn't sound like the perfect relationship to me, hr sounds like a bully. Would you actually let your friends insult and undermine you like that? You wouldn't be here if you weren't aware that his behaviour is totally out of order.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:29

He is an abuser. But you don't want to hear it so what are you after? No intelligent woman is going to give you advice about dealing with this, other than to leave.

From what I've seen, you might hear from a few abusive men though, telling you to pussyfoot around him or lose weight. Think about it.

Original poster

Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 00:30

Wow! Like I said this is one sided and I'm having a rant. We have such a happy life 99% of the time. Things just escalate sometimes. He says horrible things, I never do because I keep my control very well but I could easily if I let myself say something really nasty but wouldn't make me an abuser, I get very pedantic which winds him up so I'm not saying it's one sided just that he starts it. This issue is just very sensitive for me so it hit me hard!

OP posts:

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 05/01/2014 00:31

But you're a size 10 and he's calling you a fat bitch because he known he's hurting you. That is wrong.

Your baby is 12 weeks old FFS!

There is time and he should be you biggest fan.

Honestly it's wrong. But you're not ready to realise

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 05/01/2014 00:32

Knows. Soz

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