Total tosser!

[Oopsypoopsy]

I know this is one sided and very spontaneous but I finally feel I have been driven to ask opinions on my fiancé's behaviour.

Right we are the best of friends most of the time and get each other so well. Can't imagine a better person to spend my life with! The love is there both physically and mentally.

So my problem is that he can have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. He will literally point out everything I say to people that isn't perfect, everything I do that isn't perfect, for instance if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing and we have a big house! I get it, he's a perfectionist amd doesn't shy away from any housework, I'm a full time housewife and mum by the way. Well tonight he commented on my weight whilst I was eating a take away because I ate more than usual and asked if I was having a blowout before I start to try and get in to better shape on Monday. I'm a size 10 by the way and was a size 8 before 2 kids. The youngest is 3 months old.

Am I being sensitive? My problem is I can snap very quickly but I honestly think if I wasn't confronted about every imperfection in the first place I wouldn't have anything to react to. Obviously this is one sided but I never criticise him, maybe if I did start picking I'd be snapped at too!

It sounds like a good relationship with unsatisfactory aspects

I think some of the "leave him now" comments are being made when we really don't know enough of the whole situation

People should be a little more careful about their comments imo

Yes, Roxy, they most certainly should

If they don't want to get dumped

AF but to the point.

OP, just because you 'fight your corner' doesn't mean he isn't abusive. This is a fallacy that a lot of women believe it.

I have dealt with almost this exact issue. My H was also very critical of me - almost everything I did could have been done better. He used my inability to lose weight as a battering ram and no excuse was good enough. Often claiming that it was for my own good because i couldn't see the true picture.

In time I found the way forward and did lose weight and became a size 10-12. For a while things were good, but he soon found something else to criticise me about. This time it was not working hard enough.

He also became worse in terms of shouting and being insulting. I became frightened.

Eventually I made it clear i was leaving and this was the only thing which made him recognise his own faults. he has changed and despite not being perfect, he has improved to a point where I am happy to stay in my marriage. But i am constantly on my guard and will leave if things deteriorate again.

it was the fact that I had done what he wanted (lose weight) and he still wasn't happy which made me realise the problems weren't my own. They were his.

if you feel that your own self worth is being affected and you are starting to believe lies (that you are not good enough, that you are fat and ugly or that you are incapable of the simplest tasks) then it is time to re-evaluate. i think you have reached that point or you wouldn't be here.

WonderingHow (it's HeadlessLady here with a namechange, by the way!), I was being utterly facetious. I hope that came across. I was finding justgive so dispiriting that that was all I could think of to say.

Op I too used to fight my corner. I am not weak and I speak out. all that did was make for a difficult atmosphere for the dcs and make him think hewas justified. he wasableto either ignore what he had said or else in his head class it as 'helpful' or justified and then class my response as disproportionate or hysterical. it took me ages to realise it WAS him and not me.

I couldn't see myself as the victim of abuse.

Again though I suggest you put your foot down. make it clear there will be consequences if he uses verbally abusive terms again and see how he reacts. if he is not abusive he will take it on board.

The basic question here is:

Would you remain friends with anyone who called you a fat bitch? Came into the house and criticised your cleaning? Made comments designed to put you down?

Hell no! You'd dump that friend quickly. Why? Because their negativity and nastiness has no place in your life. Why, why, why are you minimising your husband doing it!?

Honestly. He called you a fat bitch. You have a 3 month old and you're a size 10 (I don't care if you're a size 22, he still shouldn't call you it). Those are all the facts you need right there.

I'm not saying ltb. I'm saying the next time he calls you a name. Go right up to him and calmly say, if you call me that again I will end my marriage to you. If you think I'm joking, go ahead. Do not...I repeat...do not EVER call me a name again.

If he does it again then you have the answer of exactly how much love and respect he has for you.

For your own best interests you need to get out.This will only get worse.

Why have you been I this so long?The only solution is to leave

Twinklestein

Just an observation .would you say your posts might come across as ' straight into fith gear' and a tad confrontational.Do you think maybe sitting in neutral ,possibly pondering what you,re about to inflict on ops that could be upset maybe vulnerable looking for measured constructive advice might be the way to go

Do you think your forthright solutions to very complicated problems could lead to a chain of events that might not occur if a more understanding approach was adopted

when you visit a councellor/pshychiatrist on average 5 hours of time is put aside to gently evaluate how a relationship problem can be approached do u agree with this?

Can you define a healthy relationship?

just wondering Twinklestein

Just - do you think that your posts come across as somewhat iliterate?
I do. Do you think that you show extraordinary naivety regarding the reality of the situation facing the OP? I do.

I also think the OP is not going to make decisions based on what is posted on a net forum.

I hope this helps.

Justgivein
Do you really hold women in such low esteem that you believe they will blindly do what a bunch of internet sprites tell them to do?

Thx for reply Eirikur

tTwinkleturbov8 seriously lets get bk to the thread

just give in If a work coleaugue was treating you like this would you ignore it or minimize it or would you report it to HR

Reply to it or Hr

if not Here later I really admire u twinkle and Ferraris suck

oooh, is that a come-on just

just and twinkle sittin' in a tree...

this isn't a knocking shop, you know

AF

OP _ I was interested to read that your dp talks to other members of his family like that, too. Are they the females of the family ??

And what would he pick on if you did go back to a size 8?

Captain I would bet, if I were betting, that it is all the women and anyone younger than him.
My x spoke like that to me, all his former partners and his children.
however come to think of it he was pretty rude to his colleagues too

Oh dear OP...

My exH was a cunt 99% of the time but he never called me a fat bitch. Never.
He is a cunt too op you just don't see it clearly enough yet.

I don't resort to cheap insults, as soon as he does that the argument is out the window. It's funny like a childish argument, how can it have any credibility after that! - yes it is childish, and immature, and yes he has lost the argument and any credibility. But what do you do about it, OP?

He has chosen those particular words, specifically to hurt you. It will something else next time - it might even get to 'physical' hurt if he doesn't get the response he wants. Or he'll attack your parenting...

Yes he needs to grow up - how is HE going to go about that? Do you still consider that he can do his growing up after you've got married?

As you can see OP, the MN "LTB chorus" obsessively focusses on the bad 5% just like your DP does

No one in life is faultless, he seems a sort of occasional obsessive compulsive type. I assume he is also blind to his obvious faults?

IMO you do need to stand up to this sort of crap, and give it very short shrift, and give as good as you get etc etc - Calling you a fat bitch is unacceptable, don't let him get away with it. Tell him his fortune in no uncertain terms.

Also, practically as you are ok 95% of the time, and have kids with him, it probably is better to get married - for the legal and financial protections if things do go wrong in future. Unless you are also the major asset owner/breadwinner, in which case do not marry unless /until this is sorted to your satisfaction.

That's your advice? Give as good as you get? Escalate the nastiness?

From the OP - So my problem is that he can have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. He will literally point out everything I say to people that isn't perfect, everything I do that isn't perfect, for instance if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing and we have a big house! I get it, he's a perfectionist amd doesn't shy away from any housework, I'm a full time housewife and mum by the way. Well tonight he commented on my weight whilst I was eating a take away because I ate more than usual and asked if I was having a blowout before I start to try and get in to better shape on Monday. I'm a size 10 by the way and was a size 8 before 2 kids. The youngest is 3 months old.

Not only did he call the op a 'fat bitch', and commented on her weight,but thinks the housework is not done correctly, her speech is not perfect, nothing is right. Does he actually, purposefully look for things to pick on, that are not done 'properly'? That is bullying behaviour, and nothing will ever be right.

Logg1e - calling him on it every time may make him (and her) see how often it occurs. Yes give as good as you get - what's the alternative? STFU?

What do you do OP when he throw insults? You say he has lost credibilty and the argument; do you treat him as a tantrumming child? Naughty step? He may be immature and have some 'growing up' to do (your words, OP) but he is a Father, Fiance, Employee, not a child - he is not going to grow up. He is already grown up, and has not learned how to deal with the real world. with real EQUAL women in it.