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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Total tosser!

138 replies

Oopsypoopsy · 04/01/2014 23:46

I know this is one sided and very spontaneous but I finally feel I have been driven to ask opinions on my fiancé's behaviour.

Right we are the best of friends most of the time and get each other so well. Can't imagine a better person to spend my life with! The love is there both physically and mentally.

So my problem is that he can have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. He will literally point out everything I say to people that isn't perfect, everything I do that isn't perfect, for instance if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing and we have a big house! I get it, he's a perfectionist amd doesn't shy away from any housework, I'm a full time housewife and mum by the way. Well tonight he commented on my weight whilst I was eating a take away because I ate more than usual and asked if I was having a blowout before I start to try and get in to better shape on Monday. I'm a size 10 by the way and was a size 8 before 2 kids. The youngest is 3 months old.

Am I being sensitive? My problem is I can snap very quickly but I honestly think if I wasn't confronted about every imperfection in the first place I wouldn't have anything to react to. Obviously this is one sided but I never criticise him, maybe if I did start picking I'd be snapped at too!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 05/01/2014 00:33

He's a twat.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:33

Okay stay with the man you accurately describe as a total tosser. And watch your children get eating disorders.

thenightsky · 05/01/2014 00:35

Sorry OP. I should elaborate.

I've been married for 30 years and my dh has never called me fat, even when I was.

I gave birth to HIS children and he appreciated that and still does, 27 years later.

Your DH does not respect you by the sound of it.

Original poster
Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 00:35

Well telling me to lose weight hasn't worked in the past! I like food too much and dislike exercise too much! He hasn't gone anywhere and also proposed so god knows the reason behind it!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:36

If he points out 'everything' you do and say that isn't perfect, that cannot possibly add up to only 1% of the time.

Is not the fact that you could title your thread 'total tosser' not indication enough that marrying him is not sensible?

tribpot · 05/01/2014 00:37

Where most men will say you look good even if you didn't he wouldn't lie and have me look bad

Is that what he's told you? Is calling you a fat bitch being supportive, then? Is it what you'd say to a friend who wanted to lose weight?

if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing

And presumably he then cleans whatever it is you've missed, since he doesn't shy away from housework.

You've confided in MN, does that mean you've tried raising your concerns about his behaviour with him already, or you're looking for some consensus on whether you should? If the latter, yes, you definitely should. Ask him to stop being so critical and undermining.

MinkBernardLundy · 05/01/2014 00:38

Op I am afraid I have to agree with everyone else. my x used to do similar- call me really unpleasant names during arguments. i would put it down to get of the moment and he would apologise....but then just like yours he would do it again next time and again and again.

This nice for a bit then increasingly nippy ending in a blow out argument followed by an insincere apology (if it were sincere he would not do it again) This is an abusive cycle.

If you are not yet ready to accept it as abuse (t us hard i know, your first reaction is to minimise it, defend him and try share the blame) so if you are ntt ready yet then seriously call him on it. tell him in nouncertain terms it is not OK to call you names. calling you names is verbal abuse and if he does it again you will have to seriously consider whether you have a future together.

If he is not a total prick he will realise it is not on and stop doing it. and if he keeps doing it you might see that he is the one with the problem and you are not to blame.

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:39

Of course he hasn't gone anywhere and has proposed. You write as though that's a positive. Why?

It's more about why you haven't gone anywhere and why you've accepted a proposal.
His motives are obvious. Yours aren't.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:40

Why should telling you to lose weight 'work'? What business is your body of his? Do you police his body?

He has proposed because he can successfully control you. Previous gfs were probably too wise to stay with him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 00:41

Case in point < sigh >

Original poster
Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 00:41

Yes he will go and do the thing I've missed. OCD! I'm not fat, just a wobbly little belly. I'll get rid only for myself don't worry! Don't get me wrong I'm not weak. If I was there would never be any arguments!

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 00:42

except I go the percentages wrong

he is "just" a 99% tosser right now

which will very quickly escalate once OP is trapped in a miserable marriage with this inadequate twat

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 00:42

*got

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 00:46

Whoever you think you get rid of your belly for, the insults and control of your body will continue...

MinkBernardLundy · 05/01/2014 00:48

god knows the reason behind it

He hasn't left because he is happy with the status quo. he doesn't think you are fat. he wants you to think you are fat. He throws these things into an argument to win the argument. he is undermining your selfconfidence so you will think you are lucky he puts up with you when in fact it is you who are putting up with him and he hasn't left because he knows how lucky he is.

Sorry again my x and many other emotions.abusers do exactly this. they criticise and pick fault so much it seems impossible to imagine why they stay they cannot possibly be happy. untilyou realise that what they are saying is all bullshit. half the time they accuse you of the things they don't like about themselves.

Watch him carefully does he ever really take responsibility for anything or is everything always somehow someone else's fault?

And sorry OP. sorry he is being like this to you and I know how hard it is when MN start trying to tell you this. it is not your fault though.

tallwivglasses · 05/01/2014 00:55

Well I don't think we've had anyone say 'stay with the bastard' but I don't think you're ready to leave, so 1. Don't be in any rush to marry, and 2. Keep a diary of every time he insults you, criticises you or makes you feel sad. Read it over in a few weeks.

olathelawyer05 · 05/01/2014 01:24

"His motives are obvious. Yours aren't..."

Yes they are actually, as I'll explain below....

"...which will very quickly escalate once OP is trapped in a miserable marriage with this inadequate twat.."

No, you haven't thought this through. She feels 'trapped' right now precisely because they aren't married. If she leaves now on principle - which she ought to do if she is unhappy - she probably gets nothing but child maintenance. Marrying this 'twat' as you say, is how she gets paid so to speak, hence her 'motive' for hanging around. Essentially, the marriage traps him. She is actually just as cunning and insidious as he is, and she deserves no sympathy.

Go on OP, why don't you call off the engagement and actually leave?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 01:30

That's quite a claim you are making there, ola

Is there anything in the victim's OP's posts that lead you to blame her for his shitty behaviour ?

Deathwatchbeetle · 05/01/2014 08:27

Well if this guy is not an adonis with fantastic hair and a six pack, then don't forget to bring his flabby bod and thinning hair to his attention. Maybe his clothes are shit too. He certainly is not a perfect partner (ok no one is but most do better than he does).

justgivein · 05/01/2014 08:50

Maybe just needs a bit of training before leaving eh.
I was a bit nit pickylcheeky about cleaning critical re chat etc early in relationship but not weight cause I think too dangerous to cross that line
My wife deployed an intense unwavering stare works every time or faillng that if I went too far she,d pinch my arse.....ouch.Married 22 years and Luv her too bits.

MellowAutumn · 05/01/2014 09:30

He care about my looks - it would be better if he cared about you , how you feel about yourself and how your children will feel about themselves.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/01/2014 09:47

You are probably happy 99% of the time as you meet all his criteria. Notice that when you don't - that's when he gets abusive.

It's all about you obeying him no matter what.

Classic abusive relationship. One day when the penny drops, you will post all the little things that he does and we will point out that it's a characteristic of an abuser.

These things that you are noticing now are called 'red flags'. You would do well to pay heed to them.

Original poster
Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 09:56

Just give in thanks for the different perspective! I feel awful now all things people have said. He's not that bad! Insensitive definitely but generally a lovely and fun person to be with and I love him. He's an amazing dad too. Wow ola someone's glass is less than half empty! I honestly don't think he's playing a control game just can't hold his tongue.

OP posts:
StillSeekingSpike · 05/01/2014 09:56

I am wondering how fantastic ther 99% would have to be in order to rationalise being called a 'fat bitch' 12 weeks after giving birth...... Sad

Of course you have a wobbly stomach! It's flesh not elastic! And why shouldn't you have a pizza/ It's January, you're an adult!

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/01/2014 09:59

He's such an amazing dad he calls the mother of his kids a fat bitch.

Yeah, I can see how much fun that is.