Total tosser!

[Oopsypoopsy]

I know this is one sided and very spontaneous but I finally feel I have been driven to ask opinions on my fiancé's behaviour.

Right we are the best of friends most of the time and get each other so well. Can't imagine a better person to spend my life with! The love is there both physically and mentally.

So my problem is that he can have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. He will literally point out everything I say to people that isn't perfect, everything I do that isn't perfect, for instance if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing and we have a big house! I get it, he's a perfectionist amd doesn't shy away from any housework, I'm a full time housewife and mum by the way. Well tonight he commented on my weight whilst I was eating a take away because I ate more than usual and asked if I was having a blowout before I start to try and get in to better shape on Monday. I'm a size 10 by the way and was a size 8 before 2 kids. The youngest is 3 months old.

Am I being sensitive? My problem is I can snap very quickly but I honestly think if I wasn't confronted about every imperfection in the first place I wouldn't have anything to react to. Obviously this is one sided but I never criticise him, maybe if I did start picking I'd be snapped at too!

OP you've just had his baby - if you'd ballooned to 17 stone it would be totally unacceptable for him to refer to you as a fat bitch. His behaviour is stunningly ignorant and immature - he needs to learn the self control to keep comments like that to himself.

Or you can just marry the man he is now...

Next year, the year after, or in 10 years time when your self esteem is shot to hell by this manipulative shite, and you cant see a way out. mumsnet will be here for you.

It will carry on. It will get worse.

Hope you are ok. Op.

Op I can see you are not ready to hear some if what us being said and you are staying put.

In that case, please do make it totally plain to him he is not on. it is not ok to say that kind of thing, apologise and then do it again.

and thereafter, don't make yourself responsible for changing him. it is up to him to change himself
Don't feel like you share some of the blAme for reacting to his poisonous remarks. most people will defend themselves when they are under attack but he is the one making the attack.

I spent years trying to work out how to change the way I reacted and the way I behaved to stop my bf calling me names. I now see that if he wanted to stop or if he had thought it was wrong and disrespectful he would have stopped.

OP, your husband has this:

www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder/obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder/

It isn't OCD, it's a personality disorder.

You'll hear lots of bells ringing when you read it (I did) :)

What a surprise that the OP has latched on to the only post which supports her pov, which also happens to be from the male apologist for shitty/abusive male behaviour

Did you read AF's post just before yours? Was it an ironic cross post? You are coming out with the script and it's very sad. He's not a nice person or your best friend, he's a controlling wanker who undermines your self esteem and makes you feel like you aren't good enough. Calling you a fat bitch 3 months after you had his baby? I'm speechless.

He sounds fucking horrible.

Read back your posts and try to imagine that a friend of yours had said these things about their relationship.

If my DH made such disgusting comments about me, I would leave. The reason my DH doesn't make nasty comments about me is because he doesn't think nasty things about me. I am a size 12. A year ago I was a size 16 after having my baby and he still said my body was beautiful. He meant it. This isn't a stealth boast, I'm genuinely not beautiful at all. This is just an example of how a loving partner behaves. No matter how nice your partner is most of the time, it doesn't make up for the 1% of the time that he spends abusing you and controlling you and bullying you.

OP, calling you a 'fat bitch' is your fiancé's way of slapping you down, knocking your self-confidence, and showing how he really feels about you. Just think about it - would someone who really cared about you speak to you that way, even in the heat of the moment?

Could you try telling him that you will not accept being spoken to like that again? His reaction will tell you a lot.

I actually think it is too late for that, though. If he is deliberately finding fault with everything you do in the house, it shows that he does not see you as an equal partner, but as someone who will always, always be in the wrong.

Is that really the life you want for you and your children?

im not an apologist for bad behaviour I just think we should all work at relationships and marriage not discard them when difficulties arise
Have u got a 100% perfect Man.

Sunk cost fallacy.

Being an abusive controlling bully is not a 'blip in the road'. It's abuse. You cannot 'work' on that, because the only problem lies with the abuser, and they won't ever consider it a problem.

"I honestly don't think he's playing a control game just can't hold his tongue"

In that case the very least he should be doing is getting some anger management training so he doesn't turn into a spiteful bastard during an argument. Name calling is not on. Doing it, apologising then doing it again means he doesn't care enough about you to do something about that behaviour.

It's too late to nip his behaviour in the bud,but it is time to start pruning.Do challenge him,do snap back and let him know there is a price to pay for his insensitive remarks.
This may sound like a gross over statement but if you don't put a brake on it now,in the years to come,he will make your life hell.

Nobody is perfect but being an abusive, controlling, nasty inadequate is a bit more than a small character flaw. Nobody should feel they have to 'work at it' with a partner who is controlling, malicious or abusive.

@justgivein - The man is not "imperfect", he is an abusive twat. If I treated my DW like this I woukd be out upon my arse and deservedly so. These are not just a couple of red flags, they are a May Day procession in Red Square with banners, floats, matching bands and a military fly-by. Minimising and writing off arsehole behaviour like this just enables and encourages worse.

OP - He is following the abusive bastard script. You can do much better and yiur dress size is not relevant.

'Have u got a 100% perfect Man.'

the men I gerw up with would NEVER call a woman 'a fat bitch'- it's not really a terribly high standard is it? Is this how he treats women at work or in the street? or does he reserve it for the woman who bears his children and whom he is supposed to love and respect?

To OP, but also anybody who's suggesting anger management issues, ask yourself this: does he do this with everybody, particularly authority figures? His boss, his parents, the police?

No, didn't think so.

If he can control himself when he chooses to, he can control himself around you, but chooses not to.

Justgivein, I'm not going to instantly call you an abuse apologist. But you're, at best, rather naive and needing a clue or three. Read (but do not contribute to) some of the Emotional Abuse threads.

"I honestly don't think he's playing a control game just can't hold his tongue"

This is massively missing the point (it is a control game tho I accept you can't see it for the moment), the question is why is he even thinking all these vicious, abusive things he can't supposedly can't stop himself from saying? Decent husbands don't think 'fat bitch' in the first place.

When I met DH, I was a very fit (from lots of exercise) 5'9" and size 12-14. I looked fantastic.

I am now grossly unfit due to a couple of years ill health and size 18 with a lot of extra blubber and a double chin. The only thing I have that is the same as when I met my DH, is that I am 5'9". I am very sensitive about the fact I feel so "fat".

DH still tells me I am sexy, still tells me I look lovely/nice, and treats me with respect. We have decided to get fit together and eat a more healthy diet. But he certainly doesn't comment if I have a "blow out" on chocolate or beer or ice cream. He just says "there's always tomorrow" and although he wants me to feel more healthy, he doesn't actually give a shit that I am now size 18 instead of the smaller size I was.

That is normal. What your DP is doing is not. Your DP is undermining you and trying to change you. You will never be good enough for him. Like others have said, he sounds bullying and controlling.

If my DP called me a fat bitch (or an anything bitch), he'd be out the door so fast you wouldn't see him. In fact I cannot even imagine him using words like that against me.

This would be a deal-breaker on its own for me, never mind the picking you up on housework etc.

No I dont think I will ...im obviously a dinasaur who
hankers after the past happy families scenario when effort loyalty and marriage were the mainstay.Lets just chuck them on to the street to go on to over relationship s Where maybe they get on70% of the time without counscelling Great eh
I just want people to experience what I,ve got after kids trauma major problems a long relationship and lovin your partner intensly after many years.banging head and brick Wall...relationship breakers are us me thinks.off to talk Ferraris good luck op

Just, if your daughter's partner called her a fat bitch, would you give her the same advice?

But some of us have a long relationship and love our partners intensely but, (and I think some of you are ahead of me here) without ever being called a fat bitch.

Justgivein it takes two to make a marriage not one person making a supreme effort while the other partner does as they please.

Many women stay in abusive relationships because they believe they just need to work harder. it does not matter how hard you work if there is abuse. you will die trying.

And...they are NOT married. The OP has not yet committed to bind herself to this man and he is already disrespecting her.

Op you should nOt gave to police him, to monitor him or change him. he should be able to manage himself.

The only effort and loyalty that the OP has is to herself and her children. Abuse breaks any bonds of a relationship.

Dinosaurs are extinct :)

I don't think you're a dinosaur justgivein I just don't think you're very bright.

Where is the partner's loyalty? Where is his 'effort' not to insult the OP?

He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, he thinks he's entitled to treat her like this, so he will not respond to requests to change or compromise.

Anyway self change to the extent required here is very, very difficult even with 100% commitment,

Justgivein
You are on a forum of women with women's experiences and knowledge. What lots and lots of women know is that the idea of 'making it work' has always been almost exclusively at the cost of women putting up and shutting up and denying their feelings. Women are conditioned to accept all kinds of shitty treatment in the name of keeping a family together. The goal of keeping a family together is not worth women being subjected to shitty, abusive, controlling treatment and that is a fairly new message to women, and one which many have never heard. So yes, we will continue to spread that message and I can only see that as a good thing. You will be better off discussing ferrarris if you're not bright enough to see that.