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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Total tosser!

138 replies

Oopsypoopsy · 04/01/2014 23:46

I know this is one sided and very spontaneous but I finally feel I have been driven to ask opinions on my fiancé's behaviour.

Right we are the best of friends most of the time and get each other so well. Can't imagine a better person to spend my life with! The love is there both physically and mentally.

So my problem is that he can have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. He will literally point out everything I say to people that isn't perfect, everything I do that isn't perfect, for instance if I clean the whole house and miss one little thing he'll notice the one little thing and we have a big house! I get it, he's a perfectionist amd doesn't shy away from any housework, I'm a full time housewife and mum by the way. Well tonight he commented on my weight whilst I was eating a take away because I ate more than usual and asked if I was having a blowout before I start to try and get in to better shape on Monday. I'm a size 10 by the way and was a size 8 before 2 kids. The youngest is 3 months old.

Am I being sensitive? My problem is I can snap very quickly but I honestly think if I wasn't confronted about every imperfection in the first place I wouldn't have anything to react to. Obviously this is one sided but I never criticise him, maybe if I did start picking I'd be snapped at too!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 05/01/2014 13:41

Sorry- I stopped reading at the post where you said he caled you a fat bitch...and you referred to yourself as super sensitive.

No, no, no.

He is a twat. You are NOT sensitive. I'm literally shocked that you're not angrier?!

Bitofkipper · 05/01/2014 13:41

justgivein Might be a good Idea to go and talk Ferraris; it seems to crop up regularly with you.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/01/2014 13:49

Op...you can't seriously be so ok with him being so nasty and critical and put it down to him 'being insensitive'...really??

BillyBanter · 05/01/2014 14:03

How do his boss and work colleagues react when he fails to hold his tongue with them?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 14:39

aroomofourown.org/the-signs-of-controlling-behaviour-red-flags-and-how-to-spot-them/

OP, read the above.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/01/2014 14:51

OP, did you have a critical parent? You seem to have got a rather fixed idea that you are 'wrong' and need to try hard to please people - if you grew up being 'never quite good enough' then you will have been drawn to a shithead man like the one you've got because it will seem comforting and familar to be abused like this. He, also, will have been aware that you are likely to respond to bullying (quite a lot of women would have told him to fuck off the first timé or two he said something negative.)

And yes, the encouragement given on MN to women to throw abusive men out of their lives is one of the best things about it. If a man can't treat you like a human being and an equal partner then it doesn't matter how long you've been married: get rid.

justgivein · 05/01/2014 15:31

please educate me what happens to all these abusive guys you,ve encouraged women to throw out

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 05/01/2014 15:33

justgive, they all learn to be better people, meet a new woman, behave nicely to her and all live happily ever after.

Preciousbane · 05/01/2014 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EirikurNoromaour · 05/01/2014 15:47

Who cares? Really, what are you asking? Abusive men tend to move on and be abusive to someone else. And?

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 16:00

Just are you saying that if a woman finds herself with an abusive man she should take one for the team and hold onto him in case he abuses someone else ?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 05/01/2014 16:42

Please do not marry this man. He is not even friend material let alone husband material.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 05/01/2014 16:46

Oh and....you wrote the title of your post. This indicates to me that you know the truth. Please listen to your instincts. Total and utter, irredeemable and complete tosser by the sounds of him.

WonderingHow · 05/01/2014 17:25

Headless, your 15.33 post made me laugh, if mirthlessly. I know someone with more red flags than the embassy of the People's Republic. Try as I might to point them out, I have actually heard the argument that he might be a better person now, and it might all work out. Gah.

OP, I have to join the consensus. What you're describing are the cyclical mood swings we often see in abusive men. Apparently fine for a bit, then they go on the attack: and the partner is always the target. As for perfectionism, this is something we turn on ourselves, not use to attack others. What you're describing is criticism for the sake of it.

These attacks will get worse, and more aggressive, as time goes on.

Please don't marry this man, whatever else you do.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/01/2014 20:31

What happens to abusive men after women dump them? They usually abuse one woman after another until they end up imprisoned - or they get so repulsive (some are lazy as well as unkind) that no woman will take them on. Or (some are addicts/alcoholics) they die.

What they don't do, ever is turn into good partners. Abusive men have a really deep-rooted conviction that a female partner is something they own and therefore they can do whatever they like with her. They cannot be convinced that women are human beings.

TheVermiciousKnid · 05/01/2014 20:53

I couldn't be with somebody who called me a 'fat bitch' and I am fat. Actually, I wouldn't want to be with somebody who called somebody else a 'fat bitch' either. It points to a rather unpleasant character.

Nasty fucker.

justgivein · 05/01/2014 21:11

thx for the reply ,I feel really depressed now ,guess your experience puts my unqaulified upbeat view in the shade.just hoped there was hope for this couple.thx anyway.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 21:33

False hope is a complete waste of time, and no one here is responsible for your mood just...

Original poster
Oopsypoopsy · 05/01/2014 21:57

We've invested 10 years in this relationship and we have 2 children. I don't believe it to be disposable without any effort!

For those who asked he is the boss at work and no he doesn't speak to his employees that way. He does speak like it to family members though, not just me. Have to say the fat bitch comment was a first, he was trying to get a reaction and got it! I'm certainly not short of self esteem, I'm not a down trodden person, I fight my corner every time. The difference is I don't resort to cheap insults, as soon as he does that the argument is out the window. It's funny like a childish argument, how can it have any credibility after that! He just needs to grow up a bit!

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 22:26

What do you mean by effort?

Yours?

Look, have you talked to your friends and women relatives about how he speaks to you and the things he says?

I'm wondering how come your barometer for normal has become so abnormal?

Do any of your friends get called fat bitches by the men in their lives?

What happened to you for you to believe this wasn't abuse?

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 22:28

Realistically OP will any of that effort be from him? Will he stop criticising, undermining and controlling you?

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 22:28

Xpost - quite.

tribpot · 05/01/2014 22:31

Realistically OP will any of that effort be from him? Will he stop criticising, undermining and controlling you?

This.

TurnipCake · 05/01/2014 23:00

We've invested 10 years in this relationship and we have 2 children. I don't believe it to be disposable without any effort!

That's all well and fine, except all the effort is going to come from you. He doesn't think he has a problem.

As much as you say you fight your corner, he knows you'll stay whatever language he uses - which from your past post is escalating as he continues to push your boundaries. I was with an abuser for several years hoping it would get better - it doesn't.

Twinklestein · 05/01/2014 23:51

If you fight your corner OP why don't you stand up for yourself when he criticises everything you do and say and slip up on cleaning and losing weight?

You should've be saying: this behaviour is completely unacceptable and if it does not change this relationship cannot continue.

I'd also point out in a healthy relationship you don't have to fight, it's not a boxing match it's a partnership. You work together not against each other.