Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hiring male escort?

174 replies

Wolfinthewintertree · 04/01/2014 19:25

Blush

Hear me out before judging, I haven't had sex for five years and I'd really like to. Not loads, but I do feel quite 'up for it' when ovulating Blush

There was a storyline on this on a TV box set I've been watching this Christmas and I thought it was nonsense at first but have done some research and it does seem I could 'hire' one for two hours for £60!

Terribly wrong or a good way of my needs being met?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 21:47

As I understand it Fluffy - male 'escorts' don't have sex, they are just escorts...

(My knowledge of this is severely limited, however).

Original poster
Wolfinthewintertree · 04/01/2014 21:48

Twinkle, no, it's fine, I understand why you'd think that. It's just I have been VERY honest here, and I would be honest if it was the case that I wanted to experience it from the other side.

But, I would like to experience sex where I'm not the one providing a service, so I do see your point and you're not entirely wrong :) it just isn't a 'power' thing, does that make sense?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 21:48

Also there are a lot of fake hot 'escort' profiles online - to draw people in...

Blondeorbrunette · 04/01/2014 21:49

How is it patronising?

herpes and genitals warts can still be caught while wearing a condom.

and herpes......if has gone down on a random stranger and then you, youbcould be in for trouble.

Condoms are not 100% safe.

Original poster
Wolfinthewintertree · 04/01/2014 21:49

Fair, I am different, because I haven't done it :) just pointing that out!

Thinking about, musing, considering, I don't think I will, I'm almost positive I won't.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 21:54

I get that it's not just a power thing, I was thinking more as being about experiences.

I'd be interested in your response to my earlier queries - Wouldn't you likely get better sex with someone you fancy & fancies you back? If the escort turns up & you don't fancy him - will you send him away? And if he clearly doesn't fancy you - wouldn't that make sex a bit crap?

Fairenuff · 04/01/2014 22:01

I haven't been in a relationship. I'd like a relationship, but I am at a 'strange age', relationship wise.

I think this is what you need to focus on. How are you a 'strange age'?

It sounds to me like you are scared of emotional intimacy and that you prefer to keep emotions and sex completely separate. I think that you should start to explore relationships and allow yourself to be just a tiny bit vulnerable.

I honestly think you would benefit from counselling though, to talk through how you came to be in this state. I'm assuming your parents have influenced you but am not going to try and 'diagnose' you.

meeeemo · 04/01/2014 22:15

oo

pandarific · 04/01/2014 22:21

Wolf, how about attending a kinky night out of some kind? I used to go to them, ad only my very best friends knew. Met lots of fun people of all ages who just wanted to get their sexy on. Very discreet, lots of fun, would totally recommend.

SweetSeraphim · 04/01/2014 22:27

Yeah, a swingers night or something? I've never been, but I was quite tempted years ago.

meeeemo · 04/01/2014 22:29

i have been, they are great!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2014 22:34

It's not my bag, but I would have thought a swinging munch thing (or whatever they are) would be up your street

AFAIK, single women are very much at a premium and you would get lots of that affirmation you seem to be looking for.

jugglejugglejuggle · 04/01/2014 22:34

Ok I'm going to go against the grain a little here... If the OP is used to PAYG sex then getting an escort is a logical option. She picks, he turns up and one would expect he at least pretends to find her attractive, she doesn't really care whether he actually does or not, she gets a hopefully good lay (well he's a professional after all, right?), pays him, he goes on his merry way.

Sounds ok to me too on the face of it. The reality I fear is much less peachy. But the OP has clearly pushed the ethical side of things to the back of her mind before and it's therefore natural for her to think that it's an acceptable way to view sex. If, and it's a big if, the OP had said "I'm so desperate for a shag that I'm going to pay for it; sod the immorality of it, I genuinely don't care" I think I'd find it easy to tell her to go for it....

Age doesn't matter OP. I feel very sad for you that you've not encountered the true joy of having sex with someone you love. Because your experience of sex to date has been on a paid-for basis I think an escort is the last thing you should do as it just reinforces your view that sex is a commodity, not a mutual act of love and respect. And I think you'd be better off focusing your time, money and energy on finding a nice man who just loves you.

Get a good dildo for the time being doll, you owe it to yourself to experience genuine sex. Don't do yourself such a disservice.

I sincerely hope you find someone who can help you undo your version of what sex is about.

jugglejugglejuggle · 04/01/2014 22:38

I guess I'm trying to say that because the OP seems unable/unwilling to appreciate the ethical/moral side of things it's not appropriate to encourage it. If she showed an appreciation of those wider issues and could consciously decide to be comfortable with ignoring them then I think in the right circumstances it could give her what she needed.

EBearhug · 04/01/2014 22:49

If you want anonimity, don't go to a local swingers club, go further afield. (Still, it was an interesting way to meet his cousin for the first time - and they were both way more embarrassed than I was.) A lot of clubs will accept single women (though rarely single men.)

I have looked into paying for an escort before, and in the end, the main thing that stopped me was that I don't have limitless amounts of disposable cash, and I just couldn't justify it, though that may have been partly because of some misgivings about the morality of it, and also the feeling of, "am I so unattractive the only way I can get sex is to pay for it?" (And given the complete lack of sex with anyone else the last few years, the answer to that has to be yes, I suppose.)

There are times when I think paying just to have someone hold me would be worth it, as I don't seem to be able to get that in real life (the occasional manly handshake at work is about as much physical contact I get at all these days.) As for one night stands - well, I've had some excellent fun in the past, but they can leave you feeling even more (physically) alone afterwards - I suspect paying for it wouldn't change that side of it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2014 23:02

I am not the most attractive woman in the world, so not bigging myself up here. But is it really so hard for a single woman to get sex ?

Really ?

The barriers I can see are 1) child care 2) safety 3) one's own yuk factor about shagging a fugly

but surely those factors (except maybe #3) would still be a there if you paid someone ?

MostWicked · 04/01/2014 23:26

I really don't get the argument from many of the posters!
It's fine to find a fella in a club for a shag, or to go to a swingers party or hook up for a ONS on a website, but pay for that, and it all of a sudden becomes wrong on every level? How is that? What is the difference?
What if there was a fee to sign up to a dating website and she paid, purely to find someone to have sex with. Surely that is paying for sex too?

The risks are the same whoever you have sex with.

OP, it sounds like you are very clear in what you want and why you want it, go give it a try. If it's rubbish, write it off as an experience!

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 23:28

Ebear my misgivings about this scenario is not about the morality of it, as the OP has no issue with that, but the quality of the sexual experience.

What are you going to get for £60? A moonlightling Polish brickie with missing teeth...

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 23:30

Xpost with Mostwicked - I agree that there's little to choose morally between a ons from a shag site and an escort.

pandarific · 04/01/2014 23:50

I've got no moral stance on paying for an escort (seems fine to me if all are consenting adults), just saying that kink nights/clubs are excellent, excellent FUN. Like a cocktail party, but with spanking. ;)

Anyway, I've never been to a swingers party specifically, I went to bdsm events. It was freaking awesome, I spent all month looking forward to a night of donning my secret identity. Not to mention the clothes, omg.

I never found any trouble with my secret getting out or anything, but then I was in a small city, though I did occasionally see someone I recognised. Idea is it's a secret society - you can nod to each other or not, but it's not the done thing to out anyone else.

Anyway op, good luck with the quest for orgasms!

spindlyspindler · 05/01/2014 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GarlicReturns · 05/01/2014 00:59

I gather it feels 'safer' to OP because she's used to sex being a financial transaction. That makes it a one-way deal, sexually, so it feels more natural to her. I can imagine it would be quite a new experience to have sex where you're both equally responsible to give the other a good time :)

I hope you'll give it a few shots, wolf! There are, of course, a lot of twits about who expect it to be all one-way, even though they're not paying Hmm But they're not the majority by any means ... and you won't be shy about telling them how you like it, will you?

Go for it! Have fun.

Offred · 05/01/2014 01:46

My analysis is what's been said before about you having separated sex from intimacy. I can relate because in a way I feel this after being sexually abused.

People telling you to get a ONS are not understanding that you actively do not want the intimacy which should be part of sex even on a ONS. You just want the sex. I really struggle to reconnect sex with intimacy and to maintain the connection.

However, I think the problem is not a lack of sex but that your experience of sex and attitude towards it is dysfunctional.

I do think you would be much happier with some therapy. I'm not trying to be insulting btw. I think this is not a healthy or happy attitude to have for you.

Re why paying a shag site is different to paying a prostitute. One you are paying a third party for an introduction to someone who is an equal in the relationship (no matter how short) and who is freely consenting. In the other you are paying to use the body of someone who is not freely consenting but providing you with a service. The op herself has even alluded to this when she says she is very lucky not to need to prostitute herself anymore because her life is more stable. Healthy sex is about free consent whether it is a marriage or a ONS.

beaglesaresweet · 05/01/2014 01:56

Op, sounds to me that you just want to relax and do nothing but enjoy yourself while he is the one making an effort (for a change), but you don't realise you can be very choosy on casual sex sites, can ask for photos (pesumably same as you would do via escort agy/ad), AND you can specify that you are only looking for a guy who wants to please. There are really all types of men sexually speaking, they don't need a payment. many like to be told what to do, or just to please a woman, you can also specify 'experienced', and that you find it exciting to have only short meeting/s Grin. I bet you will still get a choice of types even for that.
I agree with Garlic that with your past, you just see this as familiar and convenient, rather than risky like an ons with a non professional, I mean also risk as to how honest they are or how can they affect you if you like them. Its your choice really whether you want the familiar, or something new.
I agree with a poster who said you should invest time and energy on to finding a relationship though, as that's what you'd love to do in yor own words. It's bloody tough to finmd one, but you should at least try, age has nothing to do with it, you may be lucky at any age. As a short fix, you can do either casual sites or escort, but make sureyou don't get into it as a replacement for better things!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/01/2014 02:10

Wow! I feel sorry for you wolf sounds to me like you're scared of anything else because you have never experienced being desired for yourself -only for a guy who will pay for anyone for a quick shag.

That's really sad.

I think you should meet people and have one night stands if you really need it,or just date and see what happens.

About time you felt attractive and desired for you,don't ya think?!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread