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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

211 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 18:05

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

OP posts:
snakeandpygmy · 06/01/2014 07:18

Well done to both of you - you've probably still got a long hard way to go, but she has done the right, very brave thing.

Not sure how much help it will be at the moment but I posted up thread about my daughter being a victim of a sexual assault at that age and she came through it fine. She is now a lovely young woman (unbiased mother speaking) with her own kids and no visible hang-ups about blokes (except for her father, but that's another story Sad)

Meerka · 06/01/2014 10:58

I'd chip in for a jumper too.

Really pleased to hear she and you have been so brave. I hope it will help your daughter heal. Thinking of her and you, you're brilliant Flowers

Lweji · 06/01/2014 11:39

I think your DD and you have been very brave and have done the right thing.
You will get through it.

It is shit. What happened, the jumper, everything. But you are dealing with it, and you will both come out strong.

Sorry if I missed it, but has she been offered counselling?

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 06/01/2014 13:48

We've been in to give a video statement / evidence or whatever so I'm glad that's done. DD cried on the way there because she didn't want to have to go through it again but she seemed ok afterwards.

We had a really good chat on the way back about how she's feeling and what she wants to happen next. She basically just wants things to be as normal as possible and to not think about it. I've given her lots of reassurance that her feelings are totally understandable and we talked about the fact that this is just something that's happened - it doesn't define her as a person.

We've spoken to school and they've been really good, they're going to get her a pass so if she needs a few minutes to herself at any point she can leave her lessons.

Police have offered a referral for counseling but right now DD doesn't want to - it's an open offer though so she knows she can change her mind at any point.

So we now just have to wait and see what happens. The police will let us know if / when the boy is charged / bailed. Any court proceedings will be some time in the future so we can try and put that aside for now.

I am very tired and am going to try and have a quiet afternoon.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and support, also for the lovely and thoughtful PM's I've been sent - I'm sorry if I haven't replied to anyone, it's been a bit hectic.

OP posts:
nauticant · 06/01/2014 13:53

You've handled this very well so far MandatoryMongoose.

stickysausages · 06/01/2014 13:53

You are an amazing mum, and your daughter is a credit to you. I'm glad today is behind you, don't ever doubt you've done the right thing. Hope DD is ok, sounds like she has plenty support around Thanks

OhCaptainDarling · 06/01/2014 13:55

I'm amazing by you daughter courage and your strength!

Hope you have a quite peace event free afternoon!

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 06/01/2014 14:37

Your last few posts have made me cry (you have shown such strenght - your daughter will be fine, she has you as a mum !!

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 06/01/2014 14:53

OP you are such an amazing person/mother. I think at 14 I would have wanted the whole thing to disappear and not go to the police but it was absolutely the right thing to do and your dear daughter will appreciate that. She will also appreciate the unconditional support you are giving to her right now which is, above all things, the greatest gift you could give to her. Wishing you both strength in the days to come.

Monetbyhimself · 06/01/2014 16:01

You are amazing and your daughter is amazing.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 06/01/2014 16:11

I hope your daughter is doing OK today Mongoose.

You are doing everything that you can.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 06/01/2014 20:03

Unsurprisingly but still sad and frustratingly the boy has denied anything happened. Apparently DD popped round, watched TV for half an hour and left. He claims to have a witness but refused to give the witnesses details.

He's been bailed (conditional of no contact with DD or any child).

DD is ok, a bit upset that he's lying but she understands why. So we just have to wait and see what happens now with the investigation over the next few months.

I think we're going to try and put the official side of things aside and concentrate on DDs emotional health.

I think that whatever happens in the end we've done the right thing and hopefully the thing that will eventually be most beneficial for DD.

I'd really like to say thank you again (I know I keep saying it!) the kind words and advice on this thread has really helped me to hold things together over the past couple of days and so in turn has helped support DD through things.

Keep your fingers crossed for us that I can come back to this thread in the future to report a conviction - I know conviction rates are very low in these sorts of cases, so I'm not pinning any hopes on it but it would be very positive if it happens.

Thanks for you and Wine for me this evening.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 20:09

I think it cannot be a big surprise to anyone that he denies it all.

Even if you don't get that conviction, you have still done the right thing, IMO

DustBunnyFarmer · 06/01/2014 20:11

The point is that, even if this charge doesn't stick, your daughter was 'heard', knows she was not to blame & the police now have information about this lad. Any attempts to harrass your daughter can refer back to the incident. Any future charges/allegations against him (likely with such calculating & predatory behaviour) will be framed in the context of this earlier incident. Your daughter has taken positive action here to safeguard herself and others & he's now on their radar. This is all good. Your daughter is fab, and so are you.

stickysausages · 06/01/2014 20:12

Not surprised he's denying it, he may have been advised by lawyers to deny it anyway. There may well be other s who come out the woodwork... I can't believe this was a one off :(

stickysausages · 06/01/2014 20:13

Also, even if no conviction... hopefully this will frighten him off doing anything else

Happiestinwellybobs · 06/01/2014 20:20

I just wanted to add my support. You sound like the most amazing mum and your daughter is so brave Flowers

OhCaptainDarling · 06/01/2014 20:34

Of course the little fuck wit is lying! What a shit.

Agree with pp he's on their radar now. Those things have a habit of coming out in the wash. Now he's being investigated, fingers crossed it will be all picked up on.

Glad your DD is being so positive. She has done the right thing.

purplebaglady · 06/01/2014 20:35

Please support her and help her report this, if not you must do it on her behalf as she is still a child. Speak to a female officer and find out which police office has a specialist rape unit which will be set up to help. She will need help to get over this, and at this age it is so important it is dealt with well as the consequences will stay with her and may affect sensible adult decisions later in life. l am so sorry for you both, a very horrible thing to have happened.

purplebaglady · 06/01/2014 20:37

sorry, my computer was playing up and l didn't get all the posts. Well done to you for helping your daughter sort this out. she will be able to go forward from this. You did the right thing.

invicta · 06/01/2014 20:53

Have they got his phone? Can they retrieve the pictures?

WeAllHaveWings · 06/01/2014 21:06

When my dn (also 14) was assaulted (by ex-SIL new partner) it took a long time for everything to happen. He was questioned and bailed too, but they eventually got their day in court but unfortunately a not proven verdict (Scotland). Whole thing took a year (he couldn't be found for a while).

Dn didn't want anyone else in the family to know either, but it was a weight off her shoulders when they were eventually told and they could help support both her and her mum too. If you can encourage her to tell her gran/your mum, the more she sees she is getting support and not blamed hopefully the less guilty she'll feel. And you'll get some much needed support too.

bumbumsmummy · 06/01/2014 21:13

Your poor Dd give her a hug and call the police and rape crisis

They will be able to support you both through this

So sorry you are going through this

horsetowater · 06/01/2014 21:34

Hi Mandatory, I can't imagine what you've been through. Remember that she doesn't have to wait for official counselling to happen (could take ages) there are many organisations out there such as Rape Crisis. Don't forget the children's organisations as well, after all she is legally a child and was groomed for this precisely because she is young and vulnerable.

Lweji · 06/01/2014 21:40

It is no surprise at all that he is lying. The police may be able to get him to admit to it eventually, but I doubt it.
Hopefully, they will find evidence, on his phone for example.

In any case, he will know that she didn't cow for embarrassment and has fought back. If it comes out, maybe even other girls he has attacked will feel the strength to complain. Or it may deter him from doing it again.

In any case, take care of yourselves and keep an eye on her. As someone said, counselling may be necessary before the normal channels.