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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

211 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 18:05

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

OP posts:
Jaffacakesallround · 05/01/2014 14:46

Just a query- is this boy is 17, how is he able to live in a flat- is he alone of with parents? At 17 he would be unlikely to be able to live independently or receive enough benefits for that.

so where was his family at the time?

invicta · 05/01/2014 14:56

Nothing to add, except to say that you are in my thoughts today, and I hope you are all okay.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 05/01/2014 15:07

Well we've called the police although DD still isn't very positive about speaking to them.

They'll be around this afternoon at some point.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2014 15:08

Good luck x

Logg1e · 05/01/2014 15:13

It's a relief to hear that. I hope it goes well and that your daughter is reassured it's the right thing to do and that she sleeps a bit easier tonight.

I'm another who is worried about what might be said at school next week. Is there somebody with pastoral or child protection responsibility? I don't think that it's a good idea for the school to be in the dark if anything kicks off.

nostress · 05/01/2014 15:13

Well done! Hope that it goes well and I'm sure you've done the right thing.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 05/01/2014 15:17

Thinking about you all.

OhCaptainDarling · 05/01/2014 15:21

I think your DD is very brave, she must be so scared. However by tonight she'll be feeling better hopefully.

Gosh what a time for you all. Maybe a couple of extra days of school?

Cerisier · 05/01/2014 15:22

Another one thinking of you and DD today, I hope the meeting goes as well as it can and DD copes ok.

Droves · 05/01/2014 15:27

Police .. I hope your dd is ok .

Re 17year old in own flat . I know people who had flats at 17 , they were childrens home kids who were set up in council flat by social work when they left the home .

Flisspaps · 05/01/2014 15:30

Thinking of your DD and you.

As an aside, Jaffa I work with 16-24 year olds who live independently, in self-contained flats. Some moved in pretty much straight after finishing secondary school. I think all of them receive some sort of benefit (including HB and Income Support for those at college) so I don't understand why you think a 17 year old couldn't live away from parents and receive benefits? It's certainly possible!

Jaffacakesallround · 05/01/2014 16:08

Fliss as as aside to the a side- I didn't say it was impossible for a 17 yr old to live independently, just that it was becoming less likely- there are many regulations about children ( minors under 18) living alone away from their parents and to receive housing benefit you have to fulfil a lot of criteria- HB is not available for 16-18 yr olds who don't want to live with their parents- they need to have some history of social care etc, ( fostering, children's homes)or to have been employed , renting and then become unable to continue to rent.I know this too because of my work.

OP I hope it works out for you all and your DD is ok.

Northumberlandlass · 05/01/2014 16:11

Delurking.
Mandatory, sending you & your DD lots of love. Hope she has the strength to talk.

I went through something v similar at the same age. I didn't tell anyone. It still haunts me now.

EATmum · 05/01/2014 16:28

Hope that you and your DD are ok. It sounds to me like you are handling this really well, for what it's worth. However sad your DD is right now, I am sure she will feel supported and loved with your care.

Abbykins1 · 05/01/2014 16:29

Well done Mandatory.
At the very least that animal will think twice before he attacks anybody again.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 05/01/2014 19:19

3 hours later and the police just left. The officer was very nice but it was all very draining going through everything.

DD seems ok and is talking to her friends (and plotting to eat an entire box of donuts).

I am a bit devastated over stupid things - they took her clothes, her favourite jumper which she got for Christmas. I can't afford to buy her another - it's so minor but it's making me want to cry. I've donated her my phone for a while because they've taken hers. Sad

I don't think she wants me to tell anyone (family) about what's happened but I wish I could talk to my mum right now - though at the same time I wouldn't want my Mum to feel like I do.

God it's shit that this has happened.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 05/01/2014 19:23

oh gosh I wish I knew what to say to help. but god, you must be so so drained and exhausted in every way possible. well done for doing something so very difficult. you are both very brave.

littlewhitebag · 05/01/2014 19:23

I am so very glad you called the Police. It is out of your hands now and you need to let the process happen. Your DD will get her belongings back eventually.

DD probably feels better for having spoken out instead of keeping it all inside.

I hope you and DD have a restful evening.

headoverheels · 05/01/2014 19:25

Well done OP. You and your DD have been very brave.

flatbellyfella · 05/01/2014 19:26

Thanks Best Wishes to you both.

YoniMatopoeia · 05/01/2014 19:27

Well done. A virtual hug to you and your DD.

NorthernLurker · 05/01/2014 19:32

Well done for calling the police. This will be a hard time but long term you've done everything you can to safeguard dd and help her with this upsetting situation.

cjel · 05/01/2014 19:32

Oh it all sounds so dreadful for you. Ihope that you can find someone in real life that you can confide in. I understand why you wouldn't wan too burden your dm and have to be careful about confidentiality whoever you can share it with. If dd is feeling ok can you follow her lead and realise that she is all that matters and if she is coping then thats all you need to think about?xx

flatbellyfella · 05/01/2014 19:32

PM me your details, & new Christmas Jumper will get to your daughter.

invicta · 05/01/2014 19:33

Well done. You've done the right thing.