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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

211 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 18:05

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 04/01/2014 19:26

Speaking to rape crisis is a good idea but have some faith in the Police. They are not going to bully her into making a complaint if she really doesn't want to. However they do have specially trained officers who will be very gentle and non judgemental with her. Your poor daughter.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/01/2014 19:26

Please don't put it on her to do this to protect others. That is huge pressure and quite frankly SHE is more important to you than strangers and that should be your reasoning.

Monetbyhimself · 04/01/2014 19:33

You are doing just fine. My DD was physically assaulted by my Ex. I do understand some of the emotions that you are feeling. For me there was the urgency of reporting because of the bruises she had. But the police and social workers involved were brilliant with her. She was initially scared to talk to anyone but they talked her through what would happen in an age appropriate manner. Hugs to your little girl.

MrsDeVere · 04/01/2014 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forumdonkey · 04/01/2014 19:58

Of course your DD isn't going to want to report it - she has been through the most horrendous experience and she is scared but as the adult you should take it out of her hands and report it to the police. You are the adult and she is still a child without the maturity to make this kind of decision. IMO it has to be your call on this not your DD. It may seem hard to go against the decision she is making at the moment but you sound like a lovely mum who is supporting her brilliantly.

VoyageDeVerity · 04/01/2014 20:04

I'm so sorry (and quite raging for your daughter).

I really hope she sees the light and sees that reporting it is incredibly important that she reports it and that you have her full support and she will be ok.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 20:08

Thank you - I'm not calm but am trying my best to stay together for DD. Me screaming and crying wouldn't help.

I've spoken to rape crisis, they've given me some numbers to call and advised I make her an appointment with the SARC. They couldn't tell me about what will happen if I report but she refuses to give a statement, so have suggested I speak to one of the police advocacy services.

They advised that I talk it through with DD about what she wants to happen but to try and give her as much control as I can (while understanding that I retain final responsibility for her and can report it without her consent).

DD has fallen asleep.

The advocacy people are closed right now (as is SARC) so I will speak to them tomorrow / Monday when they are open.

I'm going to speak to DD again in the morning. Then try and work out what to do next.

Fwiw I think it's important to remind DD about the risk to others because it helps her see how wrong it was in a way she won't apply to herself. I won't use it to blackmail her into anything though.

For reporting it to be really effective she needs to be at least willing to speak to someone (I think?) so I need to help her get to that point if possible. If it's not possible I'll report it anyway but I need to give her chance first.

I know some of you think I should be calling the police right this second but I don't believe that's best for my daughter.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 04/01/2014 20:13

OP you asked for opinions and I hope it has given you some clarity which way you want to go with it.

I want to add something that I don't think has been brought up yet. On Monday school returns and with the best effort and best intentions these things tend to get out. If a member of staff learns of this they may well inform the local police CP team regardless of your opinions.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2014 20:16

OP, you are being wonderful. I wish I had a mum like you. Talk to some professionals and take it from there. There is no urgency right this minute. Your daughter may change her mind several times over the next 24 hours wrt reporting. Keep communicating.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 20:17

Thank you forum. That's a fair point and I hadn't even considered it. She's back on Tuesday. Guess it's one more thing to consider Sad .

OP posts:
Divinity · 04/01/2014 20:18

You know the situation and your DD best. Plus you have had some sound advice from rape crisis and now you have a plan of action. We can give opinions but doesn't mean they're right for your situation. I'm glad you have had RL support.

DustBunnyFarmer · 04/01/2014 20:24

Fwiw I think it's important to remind DD about the risk to others because it helps her see how wrong it was in a way she won't apply to herself. I won't use it to blackmail her into anything though.

The 17 year old also presents an ongoing risk to your daughter. Reporting this assault is important in case he makes future approaches to her.

By the way, I wish my mother had been as supportive and caring as you. You sound like you are doing an excellent job of supporting her.

Minime85 · 04/01/2014 20:34

I am so sorry for your daughter. I do agree it needs to be reported for all the reasons already given.

equally regarding school you will need to tell them. they will notice your daughter is different and speak to her to see she is ok. they will contact police as its a child protection issue. if they have a counsellor maybe they will be of great help in terms of helping her report it to the police. teaching staff will be in on Monday. I would advise contacting them then.

I do hope your daughter and you are ok.

Takingbackmonday · 04/01/2014 20:42

Listen to your daughter. If she really doesn't want this reported then you shouldn't force her - there might be serious repercussions she is scared of and at 14 yes she is a child but she has a certain level of sense and autonomy.

V sorry this has happened to your DD and to you OP.

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 20:44

I don't know if this aspect has been mentioned as I haven't read the entire thread, but one thing to consider is that if this boy brags to anyone (I don't know if he's at school with her, or if he knows others that she's at school with) - his narrative will be out there in their peer group. It may be an untruthful and unpleasant spin on what happened, for example, he may claim she 'willingly performed a sex act', and a consequence of that may be for peers to paint her as 'a slaaag'.

Current teenage peer psychology is vicious, misogynist, judgemental & extremely naïve.

If she has not been to the police, there will be no proof on her side that his version is not true. If she has been to the police, that will help counter malicious interpretations.

He may say nothing of course, and I sincerely hope he does not. But I have come across teenage girls who have been unjustly vilified at school in very similar circumstances.

littlewhitebag · 04/01/2014 20:47

OP. I am a Child Protection SW and i see cases like your DD's regularly. It is up to you and your DD whether or not you report this. However, you don't say what the sex act is but if it was oral sex then that is counted as rape by the police. Please do not underestimate the effect this may have on your DD.

If you report this then your DD will be interviewed by specialist SW and police CP workers. She would be treated with the utmost respect and allowed to give her account of what happened in her own words. If you have the clothes she was wearing these would be taken for possible forensic evidence.

The male in question is an adult and your DD is still a child. She will never be made to feel she was at fault. She is the victim.

I would urge you to consider reporting sooner rather than later. As the parent i think you owe this to your DD.

Glenshee · 04/01/2014 20:53

MandatoryMongoose, you are doing brilliantly.

You are right, risk to others is a very powerful argument. Yes, the incident is about your DD (and less so about future potential victims from your family's point of view), but in your DD's eyes right now reporting to police isn't going to make things better for her. The long term benefits of reporting are very hard to see, but the process is scary and stressful right now.

Reporting as a way to protect other people brings a sense of urgency. You can mention a younger friend she knows like AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree suggested, i.e.: 'How would you feel if in a month's time you'd found out that GirlXYZ is assaulted by the same person and you could have prevented it?'

By reporting it your DD will know that she'd done what she needed to do, that she'd done her best, that she is a strong person able to cope with anything. Be mindful that the more time passes since the time of the incident, the harder it becomes for the victim to report it. So, giving her time to process her feelings is not doing you any favours tbh.

If your DD doesn't agree to report the incident, it's the right thing to do to report it anyway. She may well hate you for doing so (although judging by your posts hopefully not), but you're a parent first and foremost, and that sometimes means making decisions that are not fully understood by your child.

(Based on personal experience of being sexually abused as a child).

Itstartshere · 04/01/2014 20:55

I'm so sorry this happened.

I think she needs to know too (if she doesn't already) that the police she'd speak too won't bat an eyelid, in that they will have heard much, much worse. They won't be shocked, they won't judge her, they will have heard it all before - a bit like a doctor has seen thousands of vaginas. They will help her through talking about it.

forevermore · 04/01/2014 21:00

OP. This has to be reported. I know of a man serving a long sentence for several rapes that he committed as an adult....he had tried to assault several girls when he was a teen and it wasn't reported.

On a second note, you're the parent and she is the minor and under your authority. Her consent isn't required in my opinion.

NomDeClavier · 04/01/2014 21:05

I know that right now she wants to forget but she won't be able to and unless she sorts it out this will colour her relationships with men for life. Whether she talks to the police or not she does need someone professional to help her untangle this. Sadly I speak from experience and being a victim at a younger age puts her at an increased risk from sexual predators and abusive relationships later in life. She needs to know that this wasn't okay and reporting will help make that point.

stickysausages · 04/01/2014 21:24

Reading your OP again, it sounds like he has been grooming her.

Please please report him. For your daughter's sake, and for everyone else's daughter's sake.

Glenshee · 04/01/2014 21:33

unless she sorts it out this will colour her relationships with men for life

So true. Hard to see for a child, but so very real.

sarine1 · 04/01/2014 22:04

OP,
Please also remember that your daughter has told you that he took photos - it IS most likely that he has kept them and it is possible that they could find their way online. The only way to stop this is to report it. The potential damage to your daughter of these images being put online is unthinkable. Horrible as it must feel, the only way to guarantee that this won't happen IS to involve the police.
I am sorry to add to the pressure on you to report this but as others have said, this attack has all the hallmarks of a dangerous and calculated act which is why I think he WILL have kept the photos. It is only the police who would be able to stop any images being circulated.

Mignonette · 04/01/2014 22:13

The OP has said what she plans to do and has talked of 'when I call the police' not if (in a subsequent post). She has also made her decision with the full knowledge of how her daughter is now.

Keeping on telling her she needs to report! report now! isn't going to help I feel. Maybe what is needed now is advice re how to cope, some words of support and reassurance from people who have experienced this or have professional knowledge of it.

I don't mean to sound prescriptive but the OP has told us all what she is doing for the immediate moment and we need to listen to her.

Flowers OP - you are doing a really good job. I wish I'd had a Mother like you. Mine called me a liar and I was a similar age.

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 22:18

The issue with the photos is not just that they could end up online, but that they could end up going round the whole school...

The problem in the internet age is that the devastating consequences of this type of sexual assault are not limited to the act itself, but also the consequences of it being circulated... & social repercussions...