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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

211 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 18:05

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 04/01/2014 18:52

Something very similar happened to me, Offred (though I was 15). It's a child protection issue and it has taken years to come to some sort of peace re: the sheer resentment and anger I had towards the adults who were supposed to have protected me.

liquidstate · 04/01/2014 18:53

I feel really strongly than this boy must be stopped. Goodness knows how many other young girls will be abused like this.

Where are you based? Would it be possible to visit a Rape crisis centre?

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. I was date raped when a teenager and wish I had the guts to report it.

Mignonette · 04/01/2014 18:55

I agree that you should be guided at this moment in time by what your daughter wants otherwise you risk being seen as another person making her do things against her will.

Yes this person needs to be apprehended but your gut instincts to not pile pressure upon your daughter are the correct ones.

Try to keep anything that might help evidence wise and work with her over the coming hours/days towards reporting it.

Child line, Victimsupport and the Rape Crisis Centre are there for you to talk with too.

I wish you all the best. Flowers

BarbarianMum · 04/01/2014 18:56
Sad

You have to report this to the police. Your dd cannot be forced to talk to them, or to press charges if she does so (although they may press charges without her testimony if they find enough evidence).

Rape crisis is a very good idea. Right now your dd is probably wishing and trying to forget this ever happened but she won't be able to. She will need help to deal with it. Sad

savemefromrickets · 04/01/2014 18:57

Your poor girl. Please report it - he may do worse to your daughter or someone else's in the future. He needs stopping now.

ContentedSidewinder · 04/01/2014 18:57

I am sorry but you need to make the decision on her behalf and contact the police.

What happens if he hasn't deleted all of those photographs? If the police are involved they can take his phone and check. Without that you have no idea where those photos can end up.

Please, please report. She is probably thinking that for her this is over, and that by not contacting the police that she doesn't have to re-live it, but sadly with those photos it may not be over.

Mignonette · 04/01/2014 19:00

I'd contact one of the support services mentioned OP before you call the Police (if you do).

They can help you work with your daughter and help you both cope.

Getting this in place before you act is useful.

Being pressurised to call the police is not good and not how support services will work. They will understand your position on not pushing your daughter and not being another person appearing to disregard her wishes.

delilahlilah · 04/01/2014 19:00

Give her a pen, paper and an envelope. Ask her to write down everything she can remember as it happened. Any small detail, just get it all down. Fold it up and seal it in the envelope. Tell her you will not read it unless she wants you to. Give her any space she needs
It will serve several purposes, she has an outlet, and if she goes to the police it might be easier than talking as well as details not being forgotten.

Very sorry she is going through this. Very difficult situation. I think you should gently point out that the police can check that he has deleted everything?

penguinplease · 04/01/2014 19:03

A friend of mine had similar with her dd and an older boy a few yrs ago. Her dd was reluctant but by my friend going to the police they were able to recover the deleted stuff from the mobile phone which meant he incriminated himself.

Might be worth going down this road. Seriously if he is allowed to get away with this he WILL do it again and sadly he may target your dd.

Glenshee · 04/01/2014 19:05

You must report this.

The best argument you can give to your daughter in favour of reporting the incident to police is that it will protect other people from similar (although likely worse!) incidents in the future.

If you don't report it, it will happen again, to someone else.

You both may find it very hard, but it's the best thing you can do, given the circumstances.

DoctorTwoTurtleDoves · 04/01/2014 19:06

Stress to her that this was not in any way her fault, that he is solely to blame for assaulting her. She has done nothing wrong. As for reporting, well that's entirely up to her, but if this had been my dd I'd try to persuade her to report after speaking to Rape Crisis or Womens Aid.

snakeandpygmy · 04/01/2014 19:07

I am really sorry that this has happened to your daughter and I believe that you are right in your instinct that the most important thing is to reassure her that she is in no way to blame.
My daughter was sexually assaulted by a boy at about the same age and she made the decision to report it (with my support). It was a very traumatic experience for us all (the decision to report, not just the assault, that goes without saying) so I can understand why you are not rushing to do so. However once we did report it the Police were fantastic, she was dealt with by specially trained officers and was never once made to feel that she was at fault in any way. They clearly understood her fears and concerns and she got lots of support (including a referral to CAMHS).

Had she been adamant about not reporting it I'm not sure what I would have done but her incident wasn't as serious as yours sounds and I think that would be a definite factor in any decision I would make about taking it out of her hands.

wordyBird · 04/01/2014 19:09

It's unlikely she's the only victim, or the first.

At the moment she may feel stupid, or as if she caused it, or some other self blaming but entirely false emotion, which may make her reluctant to contact police.

So do call the police, because she is a minor, and your dd. If it makes you feel more comfortable, think of it as reporting something you've witnessed. You don't need the victim's permission to report a crime.

The police will know how to act.

AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree · 04/01/2014 19:09

To the poster who wrote this:

'Seriously, you're posting here. Where is your daughter now?' and to ANYONE else who has implied OP is or has behaved 'wrongly, I would very politely ask you to STFU. Unless you as a DM have been in that precise position, you will have no clue of the chaos and conflicting thoughts (IE 'I want to protect my DD/my DD doesn't want to report it', vs 'But I can't not do anything' etc etc ETC). Truly, trust me, unless you have been in those PRECISE shoes, do NOT comment on the OP but restrain your comments to the advice/guidance she is seeking at a time of shock and stress and trauma.

Mandatory Firstly, I am so so sorry that this has happened to your daughter; likewise for what you are now going through. It - ALL of it, the feelings, the knoweldge, the emotions, the tough choices - are things I would not wish on my worst enemy, but I do, unfortunately, know them only too well.

For what it's worth, here is my advice.

1: I'm not certain from your OP, but if she was forced to commit a sex act on him then please try and gather together the clothes (all of them) she was wearing at the time as they may have evidence on them;

2: You are ALREADY doing the singular most vital thing, which is both instantly believing your daughter and allowing the trust she has in you to ensure she is speaking freely to you.

3: It is is equally vital that she KNOWS she is being LISTENED to in HER choices; but it is equally (although sadly 'opposingly') vital that this IS reported to the Police and the sooner the better.

4: Would second those who have said ring Rape Crisis or similar for advice, but you'll need to have a conversation with her explaining that 1 in 3 females will suffer some kind of sexual abuse/attack; that she is NOT 'alone' (nor ANY of the other things that victims of SA crimes often feel); that even if she feels she cannot press charges* it IS vital that she at least speaks to police in order to protect his next victim (and there will be one; sexual predators only increase their behaviour, never 'decrease' it; and there is absolutely no way that this was some kind of normal teenager behaviour that 'got out of hand' or whatever it is he would say vis it).

5: Explain to her that you, as her Mum but also as an adult who HAS to be aware of other victims too (it may well be the latter BTW which enables her to feel differently regarding reporting it), have a duty to report it to the police both for her and that next victim; and that that is what you have to do, but you will do it in a way that as best possible meets what she FEELS right now as HER immediate needs/concerns (as those are borne from immediacy; shock; her worry re social circle etc, as ALL of those are 'normal' and 'valid' feelings right now but will likely change - ESP. the social circle one, as it is his shame not hers and the Police will ensure that THAT is reinforced to her in as gentle a way as possible.

6: As best as can, try and 'split' the two things. IE that it is YOU who is doing the 'reporting', but it is her who both needs that to happen for herself and for others. If she has a younger (10-12) relation or friend you can think of, one route is to ask her what she would want you to do if it was THAT person. Empathy is often the thing that can break down the natural wall of fears she has right now.

7: Explain to her the * above, which is that she CAN speak to the police now but will NOT be forced to press charges (but also please know yourself that she is MUCH more likely to be comfortable with the latter once she has been supported by the Sapphire police officers). Very lastly, explain to her that it is possible - even likely - that this creature ALREADY has some form; that the police may already be aware of him; that he may have already abused one or more other girls. That if that is the case, they may not have been able to secure a conviction yet, but that her speaking to them might well be the thing that changes that.

8: Empowering her as much as possible is vital right now, and then so is counselling etc., but you CAN find a way of making clear to her that the 'reporting' really IS your ONLY choice of action but whilst simaltaneously NOT inadvertantly exacerbating the internal feelings of powerlessness that follow an assault.

  1. I know a 10 year old who who was raped, and after the pretty classic MO of escalating offences and relying on the fear of 'telling' had worked. Help her understand that whilst you recognise her pain and fear, she has the power to act; power that will itself than help her long-term recovery from this, AND power to prevent him from escalating whilst shielded from Police attention.

I'm so so sorry for 'bullett' style of above, and if any typos or 'wrong' words but am typing at pace as I'm desperate for you to be able to retrieve her clothing if that is still possible, and likewise to offer as much guidance as can from what I know.

Sending you and DD loving hugs, and just the hugest of strength.

AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree · 04/01/2014 19:11

X-posted with some other great advice.

You are not alone Mandatory - please remember to get care for yourself and take care of yourself too (I forgot that in prev post as was typing so quickly).

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 04/01/2014 19:12

I think it's really important that the police have the best chance to recover evidence from his phone so you need to contact the police. You should be able to explain that your DD isn't willing/able to talk to them in detail yet but you can tell them what you know, her friend can also tell them more as well. It should be enough to warrant them speaking to the 17 yr old, and checking his phone/recovering the deleted photos.

Maybe vicarinatutu could come and post with advice on what the police could do with your report/her friend's information without your DD's statement while she's trying to deal with what's happened. Her friend might well have been told by your DD that she didn't want her telling you, but she did, and it's for the best that she did.

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 19:14

Ok, I had a chat with DD. She does just sort of want to forget about it - I guess minimizing what's happened is part of that and being scared about the process / results of reporting it.

She's also scared she'll be blamed or not taken seriously - I have reassured her repeatedly (and will continue to) that it's in no way her fault and that it is serious.

I've explained to her how important it is to speak to the police - to protect others if nothing else, she's aware of this but I don't think she can process it right now.

I'm going to call rape crisis and discuss what will happen before I phone the police because I need to be able to reassure DD about what will happen and I'd like to know what would happen if she refuses to give a statement.

The pictures (while they concern me) are not top of my worries - it's been 2 days so I don't think a few hours more while DD thinks things through will make much difference.

Please don't think I don't understand the seriousness of this - I know the police need to know. I just have to do this in the way that does as little further harm to my DD as possible.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 04/01/2014 19:16

No, I'm sorry, but at 14 YOU report it.

She needs to see you take the responsibility for this from her shoulders. It is bigger than teen friendship group concerns, and she needs to see that in action.

As for him, do him a favour too and every woman he comes into contact with by making damn sure he gets stopped at attempted rape and assault, rather than going on to ruin someone's life.

Thinking in these terms is beyond your daughter's capabilities at 14- which is as it should be. Protect your child.

TalkativeJim · 04/01/2014 19:17

Sorry slight cross post there. Very glad it's moving forward OP.

Kahlua4me · 04/01/2014 19:18

I would agree completely with amgrowing, with everything she has said.

I would also like to add that I have been in her shoes and it has taken me years, if not decades to come to terms with it and find some peace. I did try to tell the police but things were different back then and it wasn't dealt with really.
Maybe mine might have been better if i had told my mum but decided not to trouble her and cause family upset. Hindsight is a powerful thing but I know she would have supported me and the end result would be different. As it was he went on to commit more and more.

Your daughter needs lots of hugs and support and someone to lead the way and help her through.

Lots of love to you both.

JugglingIntoANewYear · 04/01/2014 19:19

You sound like a lovely Mum Mongoose
I'm so sorry your dd has had such a horrible experience.
Like you I'd want to support my dd first and foremost.
That doesn't mean I disagree with anyone else though.

ChristineDaae · 04/01/2014 19:20

Haven't read all the messages, only the OP, but in case no one else has mentioned it... Just because he deleted the photos on his phone doesn't mean they are gone. My iPhone backs up all my photos straight away to the cloud. They could still be very easily accessible.

I would report it, she's 14, you don't want her looking back and thinking that you didn't report it because you thought it really was her fault.

Kahlua4me · 04/01/2014 19:20

I lt like your daughter in wanting to forget it but now I know that it is not that simple and reporting it and getting justice is a better way forward.

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 19:22

Sorry I'm x-posting and not being very eloquent. My heads a bit all over the place.

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/01/2014 19:25

Sometimes in life you have to do something your child doesn't want you to do for the benefit of the child. This in one of those times.

She is 14 years old and can not possibly understand the hugeness of what she has gone through. I am not going to be so crass as to ask what she did but even if she did nothing he demanded she has been in a position where she needs protecting.

He needs a shock. He can not do this to a child.

Minimising what she has gone through WILL NOT make this easier to get over, in fact ime it will make it harder to deal with.

You are failing in your duty as a parent in all honesty if you do not report this. You need to do so now.