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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. Dd been assaulted.

211 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 04/01/2014 18:05

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 05/01/2014 19:41

flatbellyfella beat me to it. Let me know FBF if you can't get the jumper.

You have done the right thing. Stay strong.

DoctorTwoTurtleDoves · 05/01/2014 19:48

I just want to say you are an amazing mum MandatoryMongoose and your daughter is a lucky young woman. I wish you all the best and hope this young man gets his just desserts.

Doha · 05/01/2014 19:50

Quite happy to chip in for the cost of a new jumper for DD.

Well done OP and OP's DD for doing the right thing..

Wolfiefan · 05/01/2014 20:04

Only just seen this thread. Another one offering jumper help.
You sound like a truly amazing mother and have clearly raised a remarkable daughter.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 05/01/2014 20:04

Oh no! So kind of you to offer but we'll cope (she does own other jumpers) I was just using it as an example of me being ridiculous. DD is slightly sad about it - I think much less so than I am. I guess it just demonstrates how useless I feel - I can't even fix her overpriced jumper having gone - so how can I start to fix anything else, anything important? Sad

I think DD is doing ok and I'm pleased about that, I'm not going to fall apart on her behalf, I'm just venting here.

Really thank you all for being here Thanks .

OP posts:
evelynj · 05/01/2014 20:07

Well done for getting through it. You are a fantastic mum & getting so much good advice & support on here. Until you're ready to talk to someome IRL please keep posting. Sorry I don't have any advice to better add to what's been said. Just keep loving her & stay strong. X

cjel · 05/01/2014 20:09

Just a thought, maybe she wouldn't want a replacement jumper - it may have unwanted memories?x

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 05/01/2014 20:11

You might get the jumper back though of course she might be able to wear it for a while.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 05/01/2014 20:12

Might NOT be able....

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 05/01/2014 20:12

Mandatory you are doing really well, as is your daughter. You're both very strong.

This happened to my best friend. She was 14, I was 15. She felt the exact way about it as your daughter did, but unfortunately she didn't have a fabulous mother like you so I took it on my shoulders to support her.

It will take time, but she'll get through it as will you. There may be tears, there'll be anger, but there will be resolution.

We're all here for you Thanks

and I ++ the christmas jumper offer, lovely posters :) if she needs anything let us know! Thanks

Loggins · 05/01/2014 20:15

Maybe we can chip in and get her another jumper but not the same one?
I've followed your thread from the start but have no advice but just wanted you to know you sound like a truly lovely mum

wordyBird · 05/01/2014 20:27

You are doing so well, MM. Your DD's and your own thoughts/feelings will be all over the place for a while. This is only to be expected, so please don't feel ridiculous, because it's ok to feel whatever you feel. Hope you can both find some support.

Thinking of you both Flowers

Flisspaps · 05/01/2014 20:38

Well done to your DD Smile

notapizzaeater · 05/01/2014 20:39

I was attacked age 15, I managed to get away although petrified. We reported it as we knew the boys (4 of them) I declined to press charges as I wasn't a virgin and I didn't want that to come out in court. The boys concerned all admitted it, one ring leader the others just got carried away in the moment. Afaik they got a caution and slapped wrists.

I took up self defence and body building classes straight afterwards, I vowed never to allow myself to be vulnerable like that again.

You are handling it really well, just be a pair of ears if she needs it.

Dd the police offer counselling ?

whitsernam · 05/01/2014 20:46

Mandatory you are already giving her everything she needs! Your love and attention and support.... you believe her.... The jumper really does not matter. The important things are free, and you are offering those in spades. You're a wonderful mum, really you are. It is hard, but that is because you care so much for her, and it shows. She has to feel that, and it is what will get you both through this.

A very wise pp said you help her cope with what you cannot protect her from. You can't prevent everything; there's a whole big world out there. But you are showing her how she will survive and even flourish.

I'm so glad you called police.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2014 23:26

You are both doing brilliantly

Top Shop jumper was it ?

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 05/01/2014 23:44

Superdry AF (it was a lovely jumper but just a jumper all the same)

Police called round - we had to go drive by to point out the place he lives. It was really scary and a bit surreal (to me), DD coped with it pretty well. I offered her a hug when we got home but she refused Sad .

He will be arrested as soon as possible.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 05/01/2014 23:53

+1 for a jumper and donuts too! Just pm me x

Keep strong. You both have to do this because you don't want the bastard thinking he is entitled to do this again to your daughter or worse. He's will try it on and squirm his way out so be prepared for that. Be prepared how much his mother will stick up for him and call your daughter xyz. Its maternal instinct. I hope this doesn't happen but be prepared.

My 3yr old DC and her teen uncle.....reported to the police and the uncle's mother did all she could to blame me and move the blame to anyone and everyone else other than her son.

You will both be ok. Just take it one day at a time.

DustBunnyFarmer · 05/01/2014 23:55

Well done to you and your daughter Mandatory. It can't have been easy, but it is great the police are taking action so swiftly. In itself the serious manner in which they are handling this should help your daughter to gain perspective about her awful experience longer term - he has perpetrated a criminal act against her & she is not to blame. How does she seem? I have no doubt the support she's getting from you and friends is a big help, even if that doesn't immediately seem to be so.

BIWI · 05/01/2014 23:55

I was reading your thread earlier, when I was on the train, so posting was a bit difficult.

What a horrible thing to happen to your DD Sad and I can't imagine how you must feel. I think you've handled the situation brilliantly.

And I'm really pleased that they are going to arrest him.

Sending you Flowers

amazinggrace1958 · 06/01/2014 02:02

So happy to read the updates. By going forward in reporting this, she has taken her power back. Well done.

perfectstorm · 06/01/2014 03:02

Being a mum to a teenager isn't about protecting them from all risk. It's about having the guts to let them make slowly incremental risks so they learn how to be adult, and then picking up the pieces if the choices are unlucky - which this was. She could never have expected anything this horrible, breaking rules or not. You sound a brilliant mum, and your DD sounds a lovely and brave girl.

passedgo · 06/01/2014 03:26

Wishing you and your daughter well, I hope you both get all the support you need and deserve. What you are going through is everyone's worst nightmare.

Is her father involved yet? My dds are teens, if this happened to any of ours their df would be unrestrainable.

passedgo · 06/01/2014 03:33

If she didn't want a hug that could be the trauma taking hold, rather than her being upset with you. She may not want anyone touching her for a while. Sad

Greenkit · 06/01/2014 06:55

Pleased you felt able to ring the police, you and your daughter are so brave. Re the hugs, you want to reasure her, I guess she wants to forget..Just be there for her when she needs you