Please help. Dd been assaulted.

[MandatoryMongoose]

My DD is 14, one of her friends called me today to say she was worried about DD, that she'd self harmed and I needed to speak to her.

So the story turns out to be - she went to a 17yr old boys flat when she was on her way to a friends house 2 days ago. It seems this boy has been asking her repeatedly to go around there (trying to get her to tell me she was staying at a friends and go there for the night - which she wouldn't).

While she was there he was physically violent towards her, took photographs of her (crying and partially clothed) then threatened to post them online unless she performed a sex act on him. DD was scared, crying and saying she didn't want to.

He deleted the pictures afterwards (she thinks all of them).

He also text her after he let her leave saying 'don't tell anyone' and that he was 'just joking' (I assume about the threat to post pictures).

DD is obviously very upset (she had scratched her arm with something - no real physical injury, 2nd time she's ever tried self harming, 1st time was a couple of years ago).

She thinks she's partially responsible (shouldn't have gone there, should have stopped him). I've tried to reassure her she's in absolutely no way responsible no matter what she did and that there's nothing she could have done.

What do I do now? I feel sick and tearful. I want to support DD the best I can - I've asked her to consider reporting it, she's not sure she wants to. I really want her to but I don't want to pressure her.

I don't even know what help I want here. I guess just some advice on how to support her, what might happen if she reports it, do I encourage her to or not?

really sorry to hear about your dd. I think you should report it, to avoid anyone else's dd going through the same. He sounds scary.

my god that's horrendous, I agree report to the police.

I assume she knows his name etc,

Is she having any counselling?.

Glenshee I'm so sorry that you were abused as a child, and I agree with you that Mandatory really IS doing brilliantly.

I do though just need to clarify something that you posted ascribing it to me, and to do so really clearly, as it is a pretty vital matter vis speaking to the police; DD's regaining of her own power and also of her recovery in the longer term.

'Reporting as a way to protect other people brings a sense of urgency. You can mention a younger friend she knows like AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree suggested, i.e.: 'How would you feel if in a month's time you'd found out that GirlXYZ is assaulted by the same person and you could have prevented it?'^

I need to be really clear that _that wasn't what I wrote,) or what I think is the right emphasis AT ALL IME.

What I flagged as a route to HELP DD was: 'If she has a younger (10-12) relation or friend you can think of, one route is to ask her "what she would want you to do if it was THAT person." Empathy is often the thing that can break down the natural wall of fears she has right now.'

I would never, under ANY circumstances, suggest or advise the application of 'pressure' in that way; likewise that if DD really CANNOT speak right now, then that she would in some way be 'to blame' for if WHEN this creature strikes again. That way, only madness and yet further trauma would lie ahead.

I would invoke the protection of herself and of others solely as a way of overtly removing the power from this sexual predator (as 17 or 70, that IS what he is) and re-empowering DD, whilst at the same time it ALSO being a 'tool' to help enable her to break down the (horribly understandable) 'wall' she will have around this right now and aid her - and yes, others too - vis speaking to the police.

Hope that is clear, as the difference between the two - for DD and all other victims of SA - is immense and thus pretty critical. One is yet futher head-messing and guilt inducing [and whilst she will have both of those in spades already right now as welll as a whole heap of things ] and the other is the polar opposite; is about her seeing she DOES have 'power'; that HE is the one where shame sits; that her actions could/would help others.

Appreciate the difference may seem simply one of nuance, but it's really really not. Hence why kinda vital that I needed to clarify WHAT it was I had advised.

Mandatory you and DD have remained in my thoughts all evening; please remember to take care of youself and likewise, please also remember the 1:3 statistic, as that knowledge is - IME - vastly helpful to those feeling lost and overwhelmed in the aftermath of an assault.

Best AM Xxxx

PS Hope above is clear, am falling asleep over keyboard but had to try and post again and esp. after saw the mistaken post re me/my advice in earlier post,

OP I agree with the poster who said that making your DD feel responsible for protecting other girls may be too much pressure and not the best approach right now. I think it's important however that she understands that there's no 'just forgetting about' this. If he sent any of the pictures to just one person they could be all around the school by now (not trying to sound dramatic but I've seen it happen).

If she keeps quiet and he's the one telling others about it (and potentially saying that she was the one who led him on to protect himself) it could only get worse for her. While forgetting about it may seem like the best option it could backfire for her. Putting things in context may help her make the decision to report it.

Good luck.

AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree - sorry I misinterpreted your advice, and thanks for clarifying. I agree that what you originally meant, and what you further explained here, is a more sensitive and helpful route than what I suggested.

Yes, going to the police is hard. I know because I did it - reporting somebody in my social group. The fallout was horrible and it lost me most of my friends. However, ultimately it was worth it because he stopped harassing me and never did it to anyone else. I will NEVER regret getting the police involved. Please do it for your DD's sake.

This absolutely needs to be reported, please do not send the message to your DD that it is acceptable for this fucking foul excuse for a human being to get away with what he has done to her.

Poor, poor girl, I have a young DD & your post has fucking enraged me.

Please please please do not report this without DDs consent. Its an ordeal for a child to go through and so is the investigative process - believe me I know exactly what it is.

Contact your local SARC and seek support from them - they will be able to speak to her and assist her and gather any necessary forensic evidence.

They will have 24 hour helpline. X

these people can help support you they are lovely.

Please be careful about making sweeping statements about what reporting can achieve - it's not the achieve all panacea some posters here seem to think.

Hopefully DD herself will come to the decision to report - the NSPCC also have a helpline and they are very good as well

OD, I'm so sorry for your DD! I would consider reporting because I'd want to sure the photos have been deleted. All parents also need to be aware of what their DC are putting online. There are so many stories about photos being spread. Two of the worst that I am aware are these horrific stories in Canada: Rethaeh Parsons and Amanda Todd.

My DD was sexually assaulted in school a few years ago when she was 15, the boy was in class with her when he asked if she could go to another room and help him find a file he had lost. She followed him into the room, which was out of sight of other classmates and the teacher. He then grabbed her and tried to kiss her, when she refused he touched her body in a sexual way.

I only found out a few days later when her friend had told a teacher and I was called into the school, I went to the police and he was arrested, she gave a video statement and the police were amazing. It got round school and loads of people didn’t believe her, only her very close friends did and supported her throughout.

It went to court and right up until we were about to walk into the court room he was saying it was lies, he then admitted it and she didn’t have to give evidence. It gave her closure, people in school were forced to believe her and she was able to move on.

I would suggest that you report the crime, police will seize any evidence and this may implicate him without her needing to ‘give evidence’ other than the video interview (which I wasn’t allowed to sit in on, so my DD could be honest without me sitting there). I know your first concern is that of your daughter, but it could turn out he has done this before with other girls, again evidence maybe on his phone, which will help prosecute him.

Oh my goodness, your poor DD!

Not sure if anyone has said this yet but, I am very impressed with her friend that called you. Clearly she has some wonderful friends, which no doubt will be a huge support to her going forward.

You mentioned that she has self harmed before, my only question is: Are you concerned what she might do / react, if this 'information' was to get outside of her support / friend group. I'm not suggesting for one moment that your DD might do anything silly but...she is due to return to school on Tuesday, theoretically everyone could know by Thursday. Even if it's not confirmed by anyone, the gossip could be just as damaging for your DD. As a pp said, if a member of staff or parents hears of it and reports it, it might cause extra stress to you all.

I agree that he needs to be reported and I agree your DD must be willing to do this.

You are doing brilliantly, hope you have been able to get some sleep.

My daughter was assaulted last year in a completely random attack.She was equally reluctant to talk to the police for a number of reasons, early on I suspect she was in shock and then she just wanted to feel safe and move forwards by forgetting about it.I spoke to the police and they were fantastically sympathic.Her response (and your daughters) is very common however as Greenkit mentioned by reporting it, having it investigated and not taking on any blame enabled her to get some power back.It went to court and the run up was highly stressful however he took a guilty plea the day before so thankfully my daughter didn't have to face him.

Please be aware that she maybe in shock and this will take time.I would encourage you to report it to the police but I totally understand her feelings for not wanting it reported.She wants it to go away, she wants for it to have never happened and she wants to feel safe.Having the police on her side helped my daughter to feel safer and she felt believed.After the trial we learnt the man had previous convictions and had been asking for help.The outcome of the trial was that he was convicted and had to have mental health assessments.

I am so sorry this happened to your lovely daughter.It is an enormous shock, I felt I had failed to protect my daughter and would have given anything to take on the burden but with counselling she has come through it really well and whilst it was a horrible time she has been able to move forwards.

I agree reporting without consent not ideal though may yet prove necessary and getting support from RCC a good idea.

I think too that as she's self-harmed in the past and in relation to this that it will be very important to look at some longstanding therapy.

Both my sister and I were raped as teens because we were very vulnerable to grooming due to untreated mental health issues. Unfortunately it's not unusual for psychologically vulnerable women to be at risk. I went home with someone knowing I felt unsafe about it because I felt I 'had' to or would be judged by my friends. I walked into a situation I knew was not right, I even knew that he had put a bet on being able to sleep with me though I didn't want to. I just didn't know how to get out of the situation and when it all kicked off I certainly didn't have any skills to assertively refuse and just cried my way through my very unnrcessarily violent first time.

I told my friends and they all thought it was normal. Even my father said when I got older I'd realise that sex was like this for many women!

I ccouldn't really verbalize what had happened so I think mainly they assumed I'd had sex and regretted it rather than the reality which was he put me sleeping on the couch when I'd said nothing was going to happen and came back when I was asleep and I woke up to find him
pinning me down with his hand over my mouth the whole time and basically being extremely loud and aggressive, it was very very rough and I can still hear it in my memory.

Thankfully as first year uni I also had another friend who supported me to get help from RCC. I never reported it but it's only in adulthood I have accepted it was rape... even going to rape support group and individual therapy back then I felt like a fraud and that really I had consented by going to his house.

I don't think if it had been reported for me I could have spoken about the facts as they were. I still don't say it out loud.

I think it's important also to avoid sweeping rhetoric about how awful it is and long-term damage. Sexual assault is traumatic but it is not imo more traumatic than other scary or violent things except in so far as it is made an object of shame. There is still far too much bullshit about it being something you'll suffer from for years/never get over etc... a legacy of a myth of being damaged goods.

It's an event, it doesn't have to shape your sexual identity or affect any future relationships if you can be supported to see it as an event and not about who you are. Even at 14.

The most worrying aspect for me for your dd is that she self-harmed because to me that means she's already got into some too-well worn groove of shame about herself which in the end, believe me, is far more dangerous than the heinous actions of this boy.

Thanks for sharing your experiences working - I think that's a very helpful perspective. I'm sorry for what happened.

What a wonderful friend your daughter has. I am guessing that your daughter gave her permission for her friend to call and tell you ...it was a way of telling you without her having to do it herself. In my experience if a teen tells you something it is usually because they want you to take control and do something about it. Please call the police.

I am currently working with a male who groomed and sexually assaulted a 14 yr old (when he was 18) - he served time. It will be taken seriously.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to comment. I'm so sorry that some of you have had to go through similarly awful situations .

DD has several very good friends and although I don't think she gave express permission for me to be contacted I assume she knew it might happen. She was worried about telling me because she knew she shouldn't have gone to this boys house (that I wouldn't have allowed her had she asked). Which is obviously nothing in the greater scheme of things but I guess she was scared of being blamed in some way.

I feel like shit today - constant nausea and very tearful (in private). I spent a lot of last night going over and over in my head if it's my fault somehow. She's my baby and I'm supposed to protect her from things like this . I think my initial reaction yesterday was 'what do I do to help DD' without really processing what has happened myself. Somewhere around 3am it hit me like a train.

Anyway - DD got up last night and sat up with me for a couple of hours. I didn't broach the subject of the police because I'd told her I'd let her think about it. I did ask her a couple of gentle questions about if she was worried about school or the possibility the photos might still exist. She's not concerned about it (though I still am). Mostly I just sat cuddled on the sofa with her and watched crap tv.

She was still asleep when I checked in on her half an hour ago (teen weekend sleep pattern remains normal) so I'm just waiting for her to wake up properly and then we'll have to talk about calling the police today.

As far as the self-harm goes, the 1st time she did it was a couple of years ago as I said. It was because she was in trouble with me and annoyed with herself for how she'd behaved (think she'd told me some lie about something and been grounded). Some of her school friends were self harming and I think she was just experimenting to see if it made her feel better (and partly to demonstrate her sorrow to me). It was incredibly superficial scratches and I took her to have a chat with the GP to see if there was maybe some deeper worry she was reacting to but there didn't seem to be anything and there's been nothing since then that would suggest any extra vulnerability.

I think that she tried it again in an attempt to deal with a situation totally beyond anything she's experienced before is concerning but doesn't mean an awful lot. She needs (I think) to talk through what has happened with a professional anyway so I'm sure that alternative coping strategys would be part of that process.

Apologies for long rambly posts. It helps me get things straight in my head to write them here.

Re the photos being deleted. Whenever I take a photo on my phone it automatically gets put into my dropbox account. And even if I delete it on my phone its still on dropbox and therefore recoverable. My photos also get uploaded to facebook via a private link so others cant see them pretty much as soon as I've taken them via wifi or 3g. My bets are he still has the photos.

Mandatory do your best to try to decentre from thoughts of fault and blame. These are thoughts, and it is natural and understandable that you will be feeling sadness about this event.

One of the biggest problems with rape and sexual assault is all the stories that are told about it. I've read threads on here where anything that happens like this is automatically taken to be a doorway to huge adult mental health issues, but more and more, there is a growing realisation that it's not these things happening that cause issues as terrible as they may be but the meanings about self that attach to them..
I'm so stupid
I should've known better
I liked him, what sort of idiot likes someone who would do this
I must have wanted it to happen really
This stuff always happens to me
No one will want me now
Everyone will believe him and think I am a slang
I am a slag
And so on...

In the same way, watch what stories you are telling yourself about this too.

I should've protected her
I should've taught her better to protect herself
I need to make this better
I need to stop her pain
I can't bear this pain

Of course everyone tells themselves different stories but at a time of crisis where possible try and let them arise and pass through. They're normal mental experiences, every mind comes up with reasons and explanations for why bad stuff has happened to them. We evolved this way, in part to protect ourselves from anything like this happening again.

In so far as you can (being gentle to yourself about how your mind works, all minds do this) try to stay in the present. Mind your daughter, little acts of care that you have between you e.g. my mum always gave me ice cream, tickled my arm. Let her be as she is and let her feel and say what she feels yet from the strongest place inside you communicate that these feelings will pass, this won't define her or her life, one day it will feel different and make sense in a different way. Sometimes the only way to do this though is just to accept where she is at with it right now without words.. It's not about telling her this, it's about finding inside you a settled place where YOU believe this is just something awful that has happened with no long term consequences for who she is as a person.

We don't expect the essence of who people are to be permanently altered or damaged by other events in their lives including very great losses and change so this should be no different. It's just tricky when you're so young and when the culture has such a lot of story built up about events like this.

The self-harm thing may well be a susceptibility to demonstrating distress in a way she's seen among friends, a sort of cry for help, but it worries me because it's part of her behavioural repertoire so to speak and I would hate to think she would use this as a means of emotional release now this has happened. This is sadly how self-harm sort of takes root and spirals so at the moment I would really encourage self-care, watching nice movies or listening to her favourite music, hot baths with nice smellies, favourite foods. It's crucial that she is not self-punishing at this time and anything you can do to encourage healthy self-soothing will be very helpful.. communicating that when you've had a trauma you need to be gentle and kind to yourself while you recover from the shock.

and Mandatory you are dealing really well with a horrible situation. You are caring for dd in the present (sofa cuddles and crap tv sound ideal) you are seeking RL and MN support, you have a plan of action for the future. Please feel free to post and ramble on here as much as you like, if you find it helpful.

Thinking of you and your dd today, MM

She's my baby and I'm supposed to protect her from things like this

You have not done anything wrong. The job of a mother is not just to protect your offspring from harm, but also to help them to deal with the harm that you can't protect them from. You did your best, but unfortunately this guy got through the net.

This situation is sadly a common occurrence for teenage girls these days, and your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who she can talk to about it.

You are having a horrible time.

I do hope you will call the police and take control of this.
I fully understand how your DD wants to minimise it.

Have it even crossed your mind to contact these boys' families?
I think it is a police matter but my instinct as a parent and my DH's as dad- would be to let the parents know what has happened in their home.

Fortunately I was never in your DDs situation but when I was around 10 a boy at school exposed himself to me as a kind of 'joke' in the classroom. I told my mum as I knew he'd done something wrong- and my mum got her coat on and went straight to see his family.

I'm just going to endorse what everyone else has said which is that although your DD wants to hush this up, for her sake and others you really need to act without her permission.