Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

[Marionmademe]

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

LOL at people exercising the power of veto over what they do with their own body being an abuse of power.

Lazeyjaney sex is a want not a need. Framing it as a need is what is dangerous to society and particularly to women and children.

It's actually very risky to believe that sex is a need.

It may lead you to rape someone because you believe you need sex.

Haven't rtft yet, but just wanted to say that, while the sulking is out of order, morning sex can be fun, sneaking it in while the kids watch tv downstairs or get themselves some brekky or having a shower together adds a bit of fun to it for me.

If you're too tired at night and don't want it in the mornings it must be tricky to find a good time.

Mostwicked - actually I think he is selfish in this respect. It's a bit toys out of the pram when he doesn't get what he wants.

The sulking can morph into a bad mood, today it lasted about 5 hours I think. I do think that is a long time.

I think you are right in what you say about being miffed about me being able to resist his charms. This is what I find so bloody annoying, it's a weird mix of insecurity and arrogance - that I deserve his sulk if I say no but then wobbling in case I've suddenly stopped fancying him.

You are right though, it is not abuse. Pain in the arse yes, abuser no.

It's more than a day to day bugbear because it affects the way I feel about him.

Tonandfeather - not in this case.

Whoever mentioned therapy, this seems such a specific problem I don't think it justifies therapy and the thought terrifies me. I do love dh and he loves me. We are completely compatible in our parenting and day to day lives.

I have read some crap by LazeyJaney, but this is probably the worst

I hope you're not married.

"It may lead you to rape someone because you believe you need sex"

Far , far more likely is it will lead to infidelity or the relationship breaking down in some other way.

YY I agree Lynda which is why we do have morning sex and do have sex at night, just not on the evenings when we have gone to bed really late and I am exhausted or a morning where the children are playing in their rooms right by us (usually they go downstairs to watch tv or play on the wii, this morning they were in their rooms). We do have sex but he still persists in the sulking when I say no.

And what LiberalLibertine said.

OP I'm reading this thread for the first time tonight and you could be talking about me and DH. That is exactly what he does to me when I don't want to have sex and he has always done the sulking thing when he doesn't get what he wants.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am still with DH and we have 3 lovely DS'. We have been to counselling though as I think we are further down the line than you. My resentment at him for his behaviour has now got to a point where I don't want to have sex at all.

When we did go to counselling, he did improve in some of his behaviours but nothing has really changed in our sex life. We are compatible in every other part of life though and make a really good team. I totally know what you mean about it driving you insane though, and also the sulk being taken out on the DCs. This then makes me resent him even more and makes sex an even more unachievable goal for him.

I don't really have any advice for you as I'm in the same situation myself but thought I would offer support anyway.

Oh that's OK Lazeyjaney, I'd be quite happy for any relationship I was involved in to break down as a result of my belief that sex is a want not a need.

Just read an earlier bit of a the thread, missed the posters saying dh shit in bed and prob v selfish. Not true at all!

Ladyleia - thanks for posting although sorry you are in same position. On reflection would you recommend counselling or not?

I really think him sulking for five?! hours because you didn't want sex at that precise moment is awful

He obviously believes that by saying no you are doing something wrong. When someone sulks about something it is because they believe the other person is in the wrong, so why does he think he is the 'victim' in this senario? Why is you choosing when you want to have sex so offensive to him?

I do think there is a way to stop the sulking, call him on it every time and tell him you are not prepared to accept that sort of childish manipulative bahaviour, but you do have to mean it

Hi Marion, the counselling was definitely useful and I would recommend it to any couple, even if they don't have 'problems'. It is really useful to talk and feel that no big argument is going to happen (although DH did walk out of one session in a strop!). Both sides can get their points across and feelings aired without any blame/guilt/negative emotions taking control of the situation.

marion, I too could have written your post.

DH and I are on a waiting list for counselling. I don't think you should minimise the sulking, I did this for years and actually now know I was wrong.

"I have read some crap by LazeyJaney, but this is probably the worst"

Oh come off it, there are threads on here almost daily about how awful, unloved and rejected people (men and women) feel when their partners refuse sex.

That is the reality of a relationship, not the daft belief that it should all just get sucked up with nary a cross word, and that there will be no future consequences.

IMO the OP could spend some useful time reading some of them to see how it looks from the other side, by people other than her DH.

The people complaining about lack of sex do not think the others should do it just because they feel like it.
They are sad because the others don't want to.
It's different.

The proposition that one partner should force him or herself to have sex when they don't want to is condoning abuse and IMO abusive.

Would you force yourself and be happy for it?

I don't think so. It's close to rape and it only breeds resentment. In the same way that it breeds resentment in the partner who is always rejected.
There may be no happy solution, but forcing one self to have sex should never be part of the solution.

Sure, the partner could give it a go just to see if they can get in the mood, but pressure for sex is not only a mood killer, but a marriage killer. As well as abusive.

AskBasil

You really do seem to me to talk a load of rubbish at times.

I have certainly had sex with my DH when I didn't really feel like it. Do I feel ''abused'' or have I been raped? No.

I also know for an absolute fact that there have been times that my dh has had sex with me when he didn't really want to but I really did. I was really worried that he might have felt pressurised, but I genuinely believe him when he says he didn't feel pressurised or threatened but that he wanted to do something to please me.

What you perhaps fail to understand is that, in many relationships, both partners want to give pleasure to each other and that, sometimes, the act of giving pleasure to your partner far outweighs any lack of interest that you might have at that particular time.

Now, before you start saying that I'm being abused and don't know it. If you have a look at some of my other posts you might think that I am much more of an ''abuser'' than an ''abusee''.

Lweji
There is no compromise position regarding sex. Both must want it. Or it's not good sex

There have certainly been times when I have not felt like sex but my DH has and we have had sex. To see him satisfied and happy and that I am more than enough for him is very important to me.

Now, before you think, I don't know what, about me. You should also know that there have been plenty of times when he has not been ''up for it'' but, nonetheless, he has made sure that I am VERY satisfied. That is very important to him as well.

In both these cases, we BOTH have GREAT sex. We accept that there are times when the other may not have a massive desire for sex but both of us care enough about each other to want to give each other the pleasure that they need/want at that time. I feel rather sad for you that you can't gain anything out of giving pleasure to someone that you love.

If you are happy to give pleasure to the other person that's fine. It's your choice. You should not feel that you had to. Particularly if you did it to prevent your partner from leaving or from cheating.

As is also ok to give it a go to see how you feel.

As is to enjoy most of the sex but not be sufficiently aroused to get to the big end.

You're a man, Lazyjaney?

Lol at women creaking in their boots at the prospect of a sulky sex pest diverting his attentions elsewhere or worse still...ending the relationship!!

Not all women are desperate to keep a relationship at any cost. It's the sex pests themselves that usually end up lonely and bitter, not the women finally at peace from them.

I keep wanting to scream at posters arguing that this sort of behaviour is reasonable in men. No it's not and not all men are like this!! Even if some of them write on a woman's thread that she should just have sex that she doesn't want.

Which post did you think I was talking a load of rubbish in Nicky?

After having told me that I talk a load of rubbish, you then went on to comment on something I have not commented on and invited me to say things that hadn't occurred to me.

Would you like to comment on what I've posted, or just on what you think I might have posted if I were your version of me rather than me?

if there was a risk my H would fuck someone else because I refused him sex while the kids were running in and out of the room, he could piss off right now and good riddance

I really do worry about some MN'ers marriages when I read some threads on here

lazyjaney nobody has a right or an entitlement to sex, it's as simple as that. Over an LTR, there will be times when not much sex happens for whatever reason. If one party can't accept that without going into a sulk, the relationship is not a compatible one, that's my view.

Insisting sex is a need just allows for too much controlling behavior. It becomes all about the person who perceives that his or her need for sex is more important than anything or anyone else. That's just B
S imo..

What the OP is prepared to tolerate is up to her but I'd be surprised if others who have left sex pests don't feel mucho relieved overall...

Nicky no one has said there is anything wrong with having sex to gain the pleasure of pleasing your partner. That is a kind and enjoyable activity that shows love and consideration. In that case you do want the sex not because you're horny or want an orgasm but because you like seeing your partner enjoying it. All groovy.

What is wrong is when one partner feels pressured or obligated to have sex in order to prevent sulking or some other negative consequence.

Do you see the distinction?