Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

[Marionmademe]

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

He may not be abusive in any other way, but, his sulking suggests he could be sexually abusive, yes.

Does he ever cuddle you if you say no, or say it's ok, or have an intimate moment without pressure for sex?

Personally, I find those reactions often a turn on, as I feel loved and respected.
As opposed to asking for or demanding sex. And particularly the sulking.
There is a slight difference between I want sex and I want it now, and I would like sex, please let me know if you want it too.

I do but not that often. Most of the time it is dh.

IDontBelieve, turns out that he wanted to have dinner more than have sex

I think that misrepresents Neils's version of events. He wanted them to enjoy the dinner he'd spent time preparing as well as having sex, not instead of.

OP I'm not shouting "abuse!!" but it's difficult when you say things like you worry about his reaction if you say no, his behaviour grinds you down, it effects the children, he refuses to discuss it etc.

I think that the issues of feeling rejected, feeling nagged, not being in the mood, hurt because the other partner's never in the mood etc are fairly usual in relationships. It's the refusal to talk about it and deal with the problem in a healthy way that is causing the problem.

Okay so you do initiate and you do fancy him. I think that you are going to have to pull up your big girls pants and talk this through with him. Probably not while you are both feeling hurt over pestering and rejection but sometime soon when you are both calm.

I don't worry about his reaction, I know what it will be and I feel tense and cross and also a little upset for him (as I know his feelings are hurt) about the ensuing sulk. Is that the same? I don't know now!

If you feel tense, and cross and upset, then, yes, you are worrying.

He is also making his feelings your responsibility, which is not particularly good.

What happens if you say no and he doesn't sulk but is still loving? Does that ever happen?

Cairo - yes, I can't see anything but talking will help. However, as I have said, in the history of our relationship this talk has only ever ended up with an argument and upset on both sides. There's a first time for everything though. It has to be worth a try. I can't put up with this for another 20 years.

Yes, sometimes he doesn't sulk and I breathe a mental sigh of relief and enjoy being cuddled instead.

What do you think makes him sometimes sulk and at other times cuddle you?

No idea really.

I do think your DH has to take timing into consideration and also circumstances. I know sex won't happen if my DP is stressed, or has something important on his mind also if kids are up and about. So I don't think you are being unreasonable (in your case wrong time of day)to say no at all in similar situations.

My DP initiates sex too. But if I initiate I get a no. Doesn't matter if the timings right or what I'm wearing/not wearing.

The killer is (and this is the main reason I'll sulk and be unhappy) when I try and initiate and DP fobs me off and instead turns on telly reads a book etc.

Makes me feel like really undervalued and like anything is preferable and more exciting than being intimate with me.

I would never refuse in favour of TV or similar as I think about his feelings, so I'm not convinced that its not some kind of subconscious power trip for him.

Actually this thread has helped me OP as I think the key thing is balance. If one of you always feels refused the balance is off in my opinion. In my case talking won't fix anything.

I read on another thread a poster describing the different reasons that she and her partner wanted sex. I found it quite helpful - something like he wanted it to become intimate and feel closer, she wanted it when she felt intimate, close and loved so once they worked out the difference in what made them horny they were able to try to balance it out.

Not sure I have written that very well I hope YSWIM

Fairylea, your idea of leaving is sound BUT if it is late at night or first thing in the morning, a bit impractical as he works, I work part time and the dc need taking to school (he can't do this as he needs to leave early for work)

If he needs to go to work, that's fine because he will be out of the house and he certainly won't be sulking at work. If it is late, just go to bed. If it is early just focus on getting the dc to school. Whatever you are doing, being the audience to his sulking should be avoided at all costs.

Neil No amount of talking and explaining could bring her round. She just sulked and sulked. Does that make her abusive?

Yes because she was trying to manipulate you to do something that you didn't want to do.

In the subsequent times she initiated sex, whether I'd just finished a 12 hour shift and was totally knackered or didn't feel too well, I felt I couldn't turn her down because I knew she'd sulk for days.

This shows that her controlling behaviour worked. I would have given you the same advice. Leave the house until she stops sulking. Her sulking would not have gone on for days if she did not have an audience.

I didn't feel abused. For me to feel that way would be a complete insult to women who are genuinely petrified of their partners and are in turmoil because they see no way out.

There are degrees of abuse. You don't have to put up with it just because there is someone worse off. No matter how 'bad' the abuse is, there will always be someone worse off.

I'm saying if he's being petulant and childish then she has to find an answer to it and she's looked on here for advice

And she has had precious little advice. It's taken us at least 6 pages to agree that his behaviour is out of order and that she is right to be sick of it. However, practical advice has been a bit thin on the ground.

Marion a few posters have mentioned counselling, how do you feel about that?

CairoPrapstar can you provide the link to that thread because that sounds like me and DP situation. I mostly want sex when I'm feeling intimate - DP does something nice or romantic etc. Because I never get sex at those times I feel a major moment for bonding disappears for me.

Sorry, IhateWinter, no. It was a comment that particularly struck a cord for me too but I can't remember what thread it was or even how long ago. I wasn't posting, just lurking, so can't even find it that way

DH was a sulker when we first met. I told him to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a spoilt brat, that if he thought that was to win friends and influence people he was welcome to the sort of twats who were maipulated by it, but I wasn't one of them.

He made an effort and doesn't sulk any more. Or at least not muc, and I ignore it completely when he does, so it has no effect. i have been known to tell dd (14) not to worry about him as he's sulking. Perhaps I shouldn't be so open with dd, but he snaps out of it immediately. Sometimes I have been known to just snort at his sulk - anything really to let him know that I know what he's doing and it doesn't impress me.

OP no matter what you're saying in his defence, your DP sounds selfish and unlikable. I think you need to start by understanding that sex is a want, not a need, and your purpose for your short time on this earth is not to service another human being's perceived need for sex. The fact that you feel guilty on his behalf over it speaks volumes about the relationship (and that's how he wants you to feel)..

The first thing you need to is stop making this your problem.

OP no matter what you're saying in his defence, your DP sounds selfish and unlikable.

Selfish and unlikable, just because he sulks a bit when he doesn't get sex?
Good grief, it's hardly a big problem, and it isn't happening that often either. He is a lovely husband, but he doesn't handle this particularly well. He doesn't handle it that badly either, he just sulks a little, and not even for very long.

These shouts of abuse I just find bizarre. A little manipulative maybe, but who isn't? It's just because he isn't very good at communicating his bruised ego, and I dare say he knows on an intellectual level, that she has every right to say no. He doesn't hassle her, he just feels miffed that she can resist his masculine charms. I suspect that it is the mismatch between what he knows in his head, and what he feels in his loins, that makes any discussions more heated than they should be.

This all sounds like fairly normal day to day bugbears that all relationships have over different issues - with me and my DH, it's invariably a disagreement about the kids. I sometimes ger the arse and don't speak to him. Does that make me an abuser as well?

My theory about people who suggest sex at inappropriate times like when a meal's cooked and will spoil, or the children are running around, is that they DON'T WANT SEX AT ALL. What they actually want is the high ground and the opportunity to blame their partners. They also sometimes want to cover up the fact they don't want sex

He may not be "an abuser", but this particular behaviour is abusive.

The difference between being an abuser and having abusive behaviour is accepting how that the behaviour is abusive and how it affects the other person and sincerely working to get rid of that behaviour.

I do think you, OP, should confront him with the need to change it against the effect it has on you and possibly on your marriage. It might work better through a 3rd party.

But what do you think will happen for you and in the marriage if he doesn't change at all?

"simply taking the position that we will have sex when I want it (as the lower sex drive) is obviously to take control of the sexual part of the relationship"

This is the root cause in a nutshell.

The compromise position in a relationship is not "only when the lower sex drive person wants sex", as that is actually IMO an abuse of the power of veto.

My theory about people who suggest sex at inappropriate times like when a meal's cooked and will spoil, or the children are running around, is that they DON'T WANT SEX AT ALL. What they actually want is the high ground and the opportunity to blame their partners.
This.
My ex. And often the way he approached me for sex.

The compromise position in a relationship is not "only when the lower sex drive person wants sex", as that is actually IMO an abuse of the power of veto.
WTAF?
There is no compromise position regarding sex. Both must want it. Or it's not good sex.

Totally agree with that tonandfeather. It's a way of engineering a row about sex to suggest it at completely inappropriate times.

I think people are getting their knickers in a twist about the word abuse/ abusive. Abusive behaviours can go from very mild to the raging violence we tend to associate with the word. Sulking to exert control is an abusive behaviour, on the milder side of the spectrum. All of us are probably abusive sometimes (whether it be when we shout at our kids, which many of us do from time to time, or just swearing at other drivers who will never hear us). Doesn't mean we're abusers, but we should be able to use the correct term for the behaviour.

"I think you need to start by understanding that sex is a want, not a need"

IMO this is complete crap for the vast majority of people, and a very risky belief for anyone in a long term relationship to adhere to.