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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any way of stopping the sulking if dh wants sex and I don't?

258 replies

Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 09:42

It's been going on our entire relationship and it drives me insane. So this morning I woke up at 7am and am reading in bed. He wakes up at 9am because dc have climbed on us. They are in and out of our room. He's in the mood. I'm not. Now he's sulking.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 15:26

Right. I shouldn't have said ONLY. It was the wrong word to use. Sorry.

CailinDana · 03/01/2014 15:26

Most, not talking isn't abusive. Sulking and being nasty to children is.

Lweji · 03/01/2014 15:31

Communication is so important in relationships, particularly when it comes to sex. So many misunderstandings could be avoided if people just learned to talk calmly, without accusations and blame getting thrown about.

This is very true. Unfortunately, it looks like it's the OP's husband who should be reading it.
He is choosing not to communicate about this and turns the conversation into an argument and a bigger sulk.

CailinDana · 03/01/2014 15:32

Neil you don't have to be petrified or unable to see a way out to be abused, do you understand that?

Plumpysoft · 03/01/2014 15:35

Most wicked, I think you are spot on

idontbelievethisnsmeistaken · 03/01/2014 15:35

the reason Neils wife would feel upset is because she probably expected that her husband would find her irresistible in her sexy underwear. turns out that he wanted to have dinner more than have sex. frankly I would be hurt by that too. many relationship s implode for this reason and it has to be treated with great care. simply taking the position that we will have sex when I want it (as the lower sex drive) is obviously to take control of the sexual part of the relationship. naturally the other partner then tries to get some other kind of control by sulking or being moody. but behind that behaviour will be real pain and feelings of unattractive ness and rejection. its a difficult one with no easy answer. leaving a relationship because your partner has a low or non existent sex drive is also something that will leave both parties feeling a great deal freer.

in this instance my advice would be as suggested and to say we can have sex later that day. if you do not feel like it then of course do not but be prepared for more hurt. I wish we could learn more about lweji et Al's spontaneous and never heard pre planned sex life package...

neiljames77 · 03/01/2014 15:37

Marionmademe, I really hope you can resolve this. I didn't come on this thread to offer any advice because I don't know your husband and wouldn't like to say anything that might make things worse (some will say I already have).
I appear to be rubbing a few posters up the wrong way no matter what, so I'll not contribute any further.

Good luck.

idontbelievethisnsmeistaken · 03/01/2014 15:39

woops ... what I mean is that not saying "let's do it tonight" instead because you might not be in the mood is crap advice. do all the leave the abusive bastard brigade on here only have sex spontaneously ?

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 15:40

Wow! this thread has gone the only way a thread on mumsnet can. Up, down and inside out.

To be clear: my dh has never pressured me into sex
I have never had sex with him when I haven't wanted to
I don't feel threatened or abused.

I do feel pissed off when he makes advances because I know what saying no will mean. I still say no. I am not afraid of my dh, he is a very gentle man who would never 'make' me do something I don't want to.

However, I do find this sulking very confusing because it is unpleasant and designed to make me feel bad (although I do believe there is an element of him being hurt).

Fairylea, your idea of leaving is sound BUT if it is late at night or first thing in the morning, a bit impractical as he works, I work part time and the dc need taking to school (he can't do this as he needs to leave early for work).

Carryon - a lot of what you have said makes sense.

Neil - you are brave posting! I don't agree with some of what you have said but I do understand where you are coming from.

Everyone else, thank you. I am going to re-read this thread again and digest everything. I'm still not sure I know what to do. As I have said, discussions about our sex life always end in argument. But maybe if I just address the sulking we can start from there. I do like the idea (which someone said earlier) of asking him exactly what he hopes to achieve with the sulking. It certainly never gets me to have sex (quite the opposite as I find it a huge turn off) and as I said one person stomping around the house effects everyone. This is not to say I don't have grumpy days either but never for this reason.

Right, off to have another read.

OP posts:
CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 03/01/2014 15:43

what is it with these aggressive tones towards male posters?

WigWearer · 03/01/2014 15:47

discussions about our sex life always end in argument.

Sounds miserable, OP.

Good luck. Thanks

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 15:49

Most wicked - you are right, on this matter I think dh does lack self esteem. I have said all the things you have suggested to him in past reincarnations of this bloody argument. I do fancy him, I do love him, I do want to have sex with him (and hopefully as well as me having said that, the fact that we do have great sex - just not as often as he would like- demonstrates that too). I don't reject him all the time.
I'm just unsure how much sympathy I can have with this being about his self esteem and him being hurt when he makes me (and sometimes inadvertently dc) so miserable with his sulking.

OP posts:
WigWearer · 03/01/2014 15:52

I hope the posters who have been recommending that this is something you can sort out are hearing you, OP.

Your DH knows what he is doing. How can he fail to? You've told him often enough.

Why does he think it's OK to make you and his children miserable because he doesn't get his own way? Is it just when he doesn't have unfettered access to your vagina, or does he sulk about other things?

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 15:53

I think it is great when men post on threads like this. It is good to hear the other side of the argument (even if we think it is nonsense Wink) and bloody brave. I appreciate all the responses on here but I do think some posters have made some pretty massive assumptions about my dh and his motivations. I admit I am confused about them myself but there is no way his next step would be violence towards me. Never.

On a side note, I did say dc could be asked to leave us for 1/2 hour not an hour and a half, they're not that old!

OP posts:
Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 15:55

No, he's not particularly sulky about other things. He's certainly more placid than I am. I flare up quickly but get over things quickly too.

OP posts:
WigWearer · 03/01/2014 15:56

Violence is not the only abuse, OP.

His sulking can do huge damage to your DC, who may very well come to blame you for not doing enough to keep him happy.

He doesn't get sex, so he makes his children miserable - and don't say it's 'inadvertent' - he's not that stupid.

Can't you see how vile that behaviour is?

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 16:01

Actually it IS inadvertant. His sulking is not aimed at the children and if he is being grumpy with them I will intervene. Because of when these sulks happen often the children aren't around - either in bed or not awake (if early morning) so usually it is only me who has to put up with it.

I sort of wish I hadn't mentioned dc! Everyone is in a bad mood sometimes, I think they would not think to 'blame' me if dh is in a bad mood.

OP posts:
CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 03/01/2014 16:02

oh ffs, its annoying, and its emotional manipulation, but we all emotionally manipulate

the way some posters are posting its ABUSE! ABUSE!

there is no evidence to that effect - op has stated shes quite happy with every other aspect - except sulking

he couldn't get his rocks off so he had a sulk, leave him to it

the last time I lost my rag with dh, I didn't speak to him for an hour, the whole house knew about it - guess what, we don't all behave perfectly - no one does

abuse my arse - y'now when you say things like that - when you have no other information provided by the OP, you are diluting the great advice that is given to people who suffer EA.

IHateWinter · 03/01/2014 16:04

For a different perspective: I can totally relate to your DH. I am the same. I have a higher drive than my DP. Every single time I ask for sex he says no. I always accommodate him, even if I could leave it. It sometimes feels like he has all the power over the sexual side of our relationship. and I have none. I do sulk if I'm climbing the walls and I do everything I can to get him in the mood and he says no. We have argued over it. He actually says that the second I show interest it puts him off.

I might sulk due to disappointment and having an itch I can't fix, but he actually has all the control in those moments. His constant refusal when I actually ask means I feel unattractive and start wondering if its actually me that turns him on.

Now I don't ask as I know I wont get. Our relationship has lost its spontaneous spark as a result.

CairoPrapstar · 03/01/2014 16:05

OP, do you ever initiate sex or is it always coming from him?

Carryon made a suggestion that you postpone it till later when you are in the mood/have the time/the kids are in bed, then spend the day flirting, you could then take the initiative later - this can work if you do want to have sex just not right now but obviously not if you don't actually want sex.

I can see that his self esteem would be low if its always him making the advances and always you who makes the decision.

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 16:06

Custardo, I agree, using the word abuse seems too strong to me too. The rest of our relationship is good.

However this isn't just once or twice a year this is an ongoing problem which is really grinding me down. I can't seem to get through to him how crappy his behaviour is. I've tried being cross, I've tried being sympathetic but nothing seems to get through to him.

Dh and I have a blow up row too occasionally but I don't think that has anything to do with this situation.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/01/2014 16:12

Would a 3rd party help here?
Have you ever suggested counselling?

See how it works, at least.

I agree that the person refusing sex has control in that respect. As it should be. People should always have control over their own bodies.

Original poster
Marionmademe · 03/01/2014 16:12

Yes, I do initiate sex.

Ihatewinter - dh could have written your second paragraph and I do understand. I can see dh could feel I have all the 'power' - however we do have sex and I do initiate it too (although not as much as dh) so not sure it is quite the same. Also, do you take timing into consideration, I think that is a lot of our problem. DH is a night owl, I'm not. So if we go to bed late I'm exhausted and just want to go to sleep. Totally the wrong time.
I have suggested in the past that during the evening dh might suggest we go up early if he's in the mood but he never does (neither do I in fairness).

OP posts:
CairoPrapstar · 03/01/2014 16:12

IhateWinter what you say makes perfect sense and is a little bleak in the end Sad

This thread has been quite negative with shouts of abuse, yes there have been a couple of constructive points but mainly trying to make the OP see that her DH is abusive is not particularly helpful given that she is clearly intelligent enough to work out the dynamics of her own relationship. She didn't ask if it was abuse she asked for proactive ways to deal with it.

rpitchfo · 03/01/2014 16:13

Well if you initiate sex I'll change my mind. He needs to get a grip