Girlfriend careless with mini pill

[concern3d]

I would greatly appreciate some input into my situation so I can try and work out whether or not I'm over thinking things.

My girlfriend is taking Cerelle. I have done a lot of reading about this and understand that it should be taken at the same time every day in order to be ~99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

However, my girlfriend is adamant that the '12 hour window' means she can take it any time within a 12 hour period. She has chosen 7am to 7pm. She therefore takes it whenever she remembers between these hours.

I have explained to her my understanding of how it should be used, but she is insistent that she has been using it for a long time and has been assured by a doctor that her use of the mini pill is fine.

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

We have only been using the mini-pill for contraception as I trusted she was using it correctly. However, over the past few weeks as I have got to know more about her attitude towards and practice of contraception, I am concerned that we should be using a second method.

I feel as though I have no control over the situation and am placing all my trust in her. I am nowhere near in a position to have a child at the moment - either financially, or in terms of maturity. Additionally, we have not been dating for long. I would appreciate your opinions on the situation.

No chacha... Don't know how you could have got that from this thread?

The solution is to wear a condom so he has some control over his own fertility and that this is non-negotiable. NOT to enlisted mumsnet to try and bully his gf into changing her contraceptive.

My advice to anyone embarking on a new sexual relationship would be to use condoms.

The pill has a failure rate. That is a fact. The op cannot rely purely on that if a pregnancy would be unthinkable for him.

Ofc condoms have a failure rate too - the op has to understand that having sex may lead to pregnancy and stop arguing with his gf about her pill-taking.

I am finding this thread utterly baffling.

The OP asked for opinions. The universal opinion was that he should use a condom. For some reason this caused him to have a strop. I still don't know what he wanted us to say. That he should take charge of his girlfriend's pills and dole them out at what he considered the right time? That everyone agrees that men are not even remotely disadvantaged because they have no control over their fertility (a view increasingly being taken up by MRA)? That the girlfriend is obviously trying to trick him into pregnancy?

I completely understand (and agree with) the point about him having control over his own fertility, and in an ideal world he would have entered the relationship saying this was his non-negotiable policy.

The issue is, clearly that wasn't his policy when he entered the relationship. So I don't really see how he can present the condom thing as it being a principle of his. It'll likely be interpreted (rightly) as him changing his ways because he specifically does not trust her.

Of course it's absolutely his right to change his policy midstream and wear condoms, but doing so would put him in a very awkward position, emotionally speaking.

"Of course it's absolutely his right to change his policy midstream and wear condoms, but doing so would put him in a very awkward position, emotionally speaking."

Again with the idea that a man choosing to wear condoms when he has sex is doing something wrong - showing "distrust" or "changing his policy".

Where the fuck is this crazy idea coming from?

That a man wanting to wear a condom is insulting the woman he is sleeping with?

There's no point in maintaining that men have full control of their own fertility if the reality is that any attempt to exercise that control will be met with suspicion and hostility.

well... yes, he'd be changing his policy? From non-condom-wearing to condom-wearing? That's not an "idea", that's the facts.

and yes, as it happens he is showing distrust, and has stated the fact very clearly. So it's not crazy to me that the girlfriend could interpret the change as exactly what it is, in this specific case.

Describing a person's choice of contraceptive as a "policy" is not making a factual statement, but a political one.

Ok, change "policy" for "usual practice". Point remains.

No, the point doesn't remain.

Because changing the type of contraception you are using is not something that your partner gets to strop about.

If my "usual practice" has been to go along with the withdrawal method, but I decide I'd rather start taking the pill, does my husband get to emotionally blackmail about how I don't trust him?

Or it the normal situation for people to respect their partner's contraceptive choices and not start bringing in "trust" issues to control people?

I hate to hear of women being slapdash about contraception - poor little kid who might be the product of the relationship.

Just selfish.

Obviously the answer to the OP's question is for him to use a condom but the bigger picture is why is the girl behaving in such an irresponsible way. Which might have been what he was getting at in the first place.

A GF/BF who is uncaring about contraception is not one I would want.

Because she isn't behaving in a slapdash way dozey. She's taking her hormonal contraception as per the advice of her doctor. Why are you not criticising the op for behaving in a slapdash way by not using ANYTHING?

If my "usual practice" has been to go along with the withdrawal method, but I decide I'd rather start taking the pill, does my husband get to emotionally blackmail about how I don't trust him?

To be fair, it would be interesting to see how the conversation would go. In both your case, and the OPs. Emotional blackmail is only one response that the "slighted" partner could offer though.

Poor Pan is floundering

There's a problem if the partner feels slighted at all I think.

I think the issue with the op was that he was trying to get mn to bully his gf into doing what he thought was best about her contraceptives. He wasn't asking for advice or he would have asked for advice and he wouldn't have flounced when people said "just wear a condom".

---

Or it the normal situation for people to respect their partner's contraceptive choices and not start bringing in "trust" issues to control people?

Again, he's the one who stated clearly that he didn't trust her, so she'd be absolutely correct to assume there is a trust issue. In an ideal world she would still respect his new choice and not ask him to justify it, but unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world. So yes, it may well be an emotionally awkward situation for him. Maybe a lesson learned for next time, though - taking control of your own contraception from the start makes everything a lot simpler.

^"Oh I can't relax and enjoy it unless I know we're safe' is the obvious thing to say here. If that simple statement causes problems, then yeah, he's got a problem.

But it's not that simple a statement... it implies he doesn't think they're safe right now. Which implies he doesn't trust her (and indeed he doesn't), which is a bit of an issue for their relationship^

But he doesn't trust her, or rather her ability to follow doctors' orders. The answer isn't to merrily fuck away to your hearts content with a person you don't trust, out of what? Politeness?

Your suggestion of going to see a professional together is a good one, but if that professional says - as they should - no method is 100% so if pregnancy is unthinkable, use condoms as well. What has anyone gained that they didn't already know on post 2 of this thread.

It needn't be a trust issue - contraception is just biology really. Couples have to have sensitive conversations every now and again. Learning how to deal with them is important too.

That was to you way back ChaCha23

If you continue to make love to a woman who you know is being irresponsible regarding contraception, you are actually as irresponsible as she is.

Either stop sleeping with her or use a condom.

"To be fair, it would be interesting to see how the conversation would go."

It would go

Me: "I think I'd like to go on the pill, this whole withdrawal thing doesn't make me feel as confident as I'd like about not getting pregnant"
DH: Fair enough

Not

Me: "I think I'd like to go on the pill, this whole withdrawal thing doesn't make me feel as confident as I'd like about not getting pregnant"
DH: WHAT?! Don't you trust me to pull out in time?? You don't get to change your contraceptive policy without even submitting a green paper. When was the consultation period?

Although I suppose if you are in sexual relationship with a controlling dickhead they might think it is reasonable to have strong opinions about your contraceptive choices.

I think if I was taking my pill 'whenever I remembered between 7 and 7' I would consider myself slapdash.
This method can mean potentially 36 hours passes between pills on a regular basis, which goes against any advice I've ever received from a gp. I used to do that when running low on pills, and my GP said the window is there for certain circumstances but shouldn't be abused.

Anyway, maybe they agreed pill over condoms because she doesn't like them either?!
The vast majority of couples don't 'double up' in my experience. So much anger on this thread!

SinisterSal - not so sinister after all. Just a bit silly and bitter, imo.

There is only a trust issue if he maintains his position of not wearing condoms though.

Reality is it isn't about trust.

He wants his gf to take total responsibility for their contraception and to do it to his particular standards. Despite her already following medical advice regarding her pill.

Otherwise he'd just wear a condom.

If he's managed to get to the age he is, and if she's been on the mini pill for ages they aren't teenagers, then he could do with understanding that no condom=no control over whether you gf gets pregnant or not and that he has to be responsible for his own contraceptive choices.

Well of course there is. people are frustrated at other people being precious and numptyish when the stakes are so high

I think many of you have missed the point of his post.

It was- to me anyway- more to do with being possibly tricked into a pregnancy by his Gfs cavalier attitude to the pill she takes- according to some medical advice she's sailing close to the wind if PG would be terrible.

None of us know her thoughts on this- she may very well hate condoms and have told him she doesn't want them used- that is why she takes the pill.

I don't know if this is the case- but it could be. No?

It's not about donning a condom and taking responsibility- it's about lack of communication and the GF possibly not being honest with him about what she wants.

Just possibly?

OP if you are still around you need to talk to her and really talk this through.

Oh Pan.