Girlfriend careless with mini pill

[concern3d]

I would greatly appreciate some input into my situation so I can try and work out whether or not I'm over thinking things.

My girlfriend is taking Cerelle. I have done a lot of reading about this and understand that it should be taken at the same time every day in order to be ~99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

However, my girlfriend is adamant that the '12 hour window' means she can take it any time within a 12 hour period. She has chosen 7am to 7pm. She therefore takes it whenever she remembers between these hours.

I have explained to her my understanding of how it should be used, but she is insistent that she has been using it for a long time and has been assured by a doctor that her use of the mini pill is fine.

We have had a number of conversations about this, which always end in hard feelings. What should be a discussion turns into an argument.

We have only been using the mini-pill for contraception as I trusted she was using it correctly. However, over the past few weeks as I have got to know more about her attitude towards and practice of contraception, I am concerned that we should be using a second method.

I feel as though I have no control over the situation and am placing all my trust in her. I am nowhere near in a position to have a child at the moment - either financially, or in terms of maturity. Additionally, we have not been dating for long. I would appreciate your opinions on the situation.

If his gf had posted "new bf keeps banging on about me not taking my pill properly even though I've been taking it a while. I'm happy I am taking it properly and this is supported by advice from my gp." The advice would be "if he isn't happy he's protected he should wear a condom but why has he not just decided to do this instead of haranguing you about your contraception?" answer would either be "he doesn't like condoms" or "I don't like condoms" and she would get either a "consider sacking him off as this is quite worryingly controlling/entitled" or "don't be so unreasonable he's perfectly entitled to control his own fertility by using condoms if he wants" and most likely some "sack it off anyway this is too intense for a new RL" responses.

How can she be womansplaining pan? It's her body, her hormonal contraception, and she's taking proper GP advice on a pill she's been on a long time.

He's the one mansplaining to her about her contraception - and not taking his own precautions when embarking on a new sexual relationship.

No cop out curlew. I, and lots of other people use those gambits as people often know the answers before they ask from you the advice, so you just facilitate them working out and vocalising their own solutions. Simple stuff really.

I have nooo idea what he was looking for really - advice first and foremost.

He was looking for everyone to agree that the gf was irresponsible.

He probably doesn't want to wear a condom. IME most men don't.

Well, if he was looking for advice, he got it.

"Yes you should wear a condom"

What other advice was he looking for, do you think?

He didn't actually ask for any advice though. What he asked was whether he was over thinking the issue. No, he isn't over thinking about the failure rate of the mini pill. No he isn't in the wrong to feel he has no control.

He is wrong to try, as the solution, to mansplain to his new gf how her contraceptive choice doesn't give him sufficient peace of mind rather than simply putting on a condom and actually giving himself some peace of mind. He says he has thought of using condoms.

Well, thinking about it and arguing about someone else's use of contraceptives will not give him any peace of mind will it?

And it looks controlling and overbearing, irresponsible and entitled to boot.

oooh there's lots of other avenues. End the relationship through lack of trust. Speak to an 'expert' face to face, as someone upthread suggested, wear a condom everytime (though that brings in the lack of trust issue?), suggest a different form of contraception, have non-intercourse sex until you come to an agreement. Often were we end up is a long way from the opening question.

Would you want to be with someone who required marching down to the gp/pharmacist to have your chosen method of contraception explained to them before they would stop haranguing you about it? How would that give him peace of mind anyway. A hormonal contraceptive with a potentially greater risk attached to user error will never give him peace of mind. It is nothing to do with trust but lack of respect for his partner's choice and lack of willingness to take responsibility for himself that's caused this problem!

Patronise, Sinister? The usual attempt at shutting someone up when they disagree

Come off it - What else does 'Umm...' mean at the start of a response ? Pointing that out isn't an Attempt at shutting someone up - snort.

Really, get over it. The boy got told to Cop On. If you take it upon yourself to fight for everyone who gets told to exercise some common sense on this site you'll have some job. But somehow I don't think that's your objective.

And wanting to wear a condom isn't necessariy about trust.
"Oh I can't relax and enjoy it unless I know we're safe' is the obvious thing to say here. If that simple statement causes problems, then yeah, he's got a problem.

Crumbs, if using 'um' at the start of a sentence makes you feel patronised then you appear to be very easily patronisable Sinister.

The rest of that post is just baloney.

I thought the usual way of shutting someone up was saying they were projecting tbh...

There's millions of ways of saying "shut up"...and many of them practiced round these parts....

I can't even tell what pan's arguing now

Do you not think people should take responsibility for their own fertility, or is just haranguing a partner about their contraception good enough, pan?

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"Oh I can't relax and enjoy it unless I know we're safe' is the obvious thing to say here. If that simple statement causes problems, then yeah, he's got a problem.

But it's not that simple a statement... it implies he doesn't think they're safe right now. Which implies he doesn't trust her (and indeed he doesn't), which is a bit of an issue for their relationship.

If I were the girlfriend in this situation, I would much prefer the other solution suggested, ie going to see a professional together, so they get the same information and are on the same page. It's a more diplomatic and collaborative way of taking control of his contraception, or rather, of taking care of their contraception together.

Sabrina No idea what point you are making there unforunatley.

He isn't safe now.

He's relying on the pill - which doesn't have 100% success rate.

pan - I don't care what you think the polite thing to do is on a thread. The OP was far less than polite calling us a load of militaristic women for daring to suggest he take some responsibility himself.

Well, it is the polite thing. Just because the OP wasn't so, isn't some reason to ape that. Otherwise we revert to the LCD.

He could tell her he doesn't feel safe because the pill is not 100% reliable, but that would be lying to her. From his OP, it's pretty clear that he doesn't feel safe because he doesn't trust she's taking it correctly.

Objectively they aren't safe. They are having sex for a start.

Secondly he is not taking any precautions against pregnancy. Thirdly, he has genuine concerns about the risks of relying solely on a hormonal contraceptive which is more dependent than others are on correct usage.

His partner, who I putting the hormones in her body is satisfied she is using it correctly. He doesn't need to be satisfied, nor is it possible to explain to him that she is using it correctly and dispel his fears which he states are down to a lack of control.

The only solution, when she is happy with her choice and he isn't is for him to use a condom surely! He knows that.

But don't you just love the fact that pan tells other (female) posters off for impoliteness (amongst other things) - but the OP's storming strop and namecalling against the posters here goes uncommented on?

Oh lordy Sabrina you've lost it there. RL calls.

I've often, as a side thought, been irritated with people who promote the development of hormonal contraceptives for women as some kind of feminist advancement.

Taking hormonal contraceptives is still women suffering physical consequences and damage to their bodies in order to have sex. It's a different kind of suffering/damage to unwanted pg but still I think the pill has really enabled men to escape the consequences of their abuse of women and allowed them to abdicate responsibility just as much as it has freed women from some of the worry of unwanted pregnancy.

Not really, pan. I thought the OP was far, far ruder on here than any of the responses warranted.

so everyone's solution is for him to lie to his gf by telling her he's worried about the pill's success rate? unless I missed something later on in the thread (it's long!), that's not what he's really worried about here.