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Original poster

Would you tell the OWs partner?

158 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 09:39

Long story (another thread), but basically h and I are seperating (staying together over holidays for kids) after I found evidence of affair on his phone (he is a multiple offender)

One of the ow is walking around with her head held high and still in relationship with her bf and he knows nothing about what she gas done. I have copies of the texts. Would you tell/show her bf?

I know my beef is not with her, but she knew h was married with kids, her morals suck. She has been unfaithful to bf also. I just want her to have some consequences.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2013 09:41

No, leave it alone.

You'll come off as the crazy ex wife, he'll get sexual mileage out of it.

Morgause · 30/12/2013 09:42

Blame him not her. It wouldn't make you feel any better.

Exsilisreadingthis · 30/12/2013 09:44

It's not her. She didn't make a commitment to you. He did.

Be angry with him not her.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 09:52

Oh I am completely pissed at him!

Its just not fair she gets away with it. I don't care if I come across crazy. Why am I the only one who gets hurt in this situation? !

OP posts:
KatOD · 30/12/2013 09:59

Do you know what... I know that he is the one who let you down and the sensible thing to do would be to hold your head high and not engage with her/him.... But I think I'd have the same struggle as you in this situation, also if i were her bf i'd want to know.

Only thing is that you don't want to come across as a crazed ex wife and in no way risk this being worse for your DCs. Is there anyway you can post hard copies if the texts anonymously to the bf?

Exsilisreadingthis · 30/12/2013 09:59

She is not the one you should be angry with. She owes you nothing, except that she's pissed all over the sisterhood, but he is the one who made vows and a commitment to you. And he's the one who has let you down.

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:00

No, their relationship dynamics are none of your business.

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:01

Why am I the only one who gets hurt in this situation?

So you want to hurt her BF to even it up and spread the hurt round? Because it won't be hurting her at all.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 10:04

KatOD I was just thinking of posting hard copies, maybe with a note saying I thought these might be of interest to him.

But surely she's not being honest, regardless of their relationship dynamics he should know? I'd hate to be the last to know, wouldn't you?

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2013 10:05

Why do you want to deliberately whip this up? It will only make it worse, hurt more people, make you look crazy, he'll likely come out smelling of roses, your children will be affected by further animosity.

Hurt is not fair. That is life I'm afraid, even if you want to you can't even it up. It simply will not work like that.

Exsilisreadingthis · 30/12/2013 10:05

How do you know that her and her BF are exclusive?

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 10:06

Bohemian Girl you're right, I don't want to hurt him, but I do want to hurt her.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 30/12/2013 10:06

Be the better person. Walk away and leave the 3 of them to the drama and billshit.

Maria33 · 30/12/2013 10:07

Obviously you're main beef is with your husband. I think you get that but the ow has behaved really badly and I think you wouldn't be normal if you weren't angry with her.

I'd be tempted to seek revenge but from what I've seen with friends in similar situations, ultimately they're glad if they maintained dignity and did the right thing by staying quiet. I guess that be taking revenge, you're potentially opening up a whole new can of worms when closure is probably what's best for you.

Good luck and at least you know you're the better woman.

Offred · 30/12/2013 10:08

I think there is an argument for telling people because they have the right to know, ideally this should be done by the partner.

However, spiteful telling in order to seek revenge for a wrong never works out well.

Maria33 · 30/12/2013 10:08

Oops Blush

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 10:09

I don't know that they are exclusive, but her text suggest she's sneaking around.
They live together, they have a child. Even if they have an open relationship, my revelation won't hurt will it?

OP posts:
Exsilisreadingthis · 30/12/2013 10:11

It will hurt. It will hurt her partner and her child. Are you really that vindictive?

mammadiggingdeep · 30/12/2013 10:15

Mind you...if it were me I would want to know. This whole drama has happened behind his back. It shouldn't be done out of spite though.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 10:17

I think I am that vindictive!
I ve lived a life of keeping the peace and look where it's got me?

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2013 10:19

How you've lives your life has no bearing on your h cheating. You need to calm down. You've been very hurt but you'll drag yourself and your dc down if you indulge these feelings of bitterness and spite.

scaevola · 30/12/2013 10:19

It comes down to your personal ethics on this.

If you think people should be able to form/maintain their relationships on a general basis of honesty on the big things, then yes he deserves to know.

Telling out of revenge/desire s however shoddy (despite the action being the same).

And OW's position is not morally neutral or free from blame - it is not the same as the betraying spouse, but it is that of co-conspirator (unless the husband is completely sexually indiscriminate).

BohemianGirl · 30/12/2013 10:21

If your DH is a 'multiple offender' then she's going to get hurt in the long run isnt she?

But if you want to tell her BF and their child then you arent doing it for the right reasons are you. You deliberately want another child to feel your hurt and that isnt right.

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/12/2013 10:22

This was something I struggled with.

I wasn't sure of my motives so left it for several months before making the decision to inform her DH. I knew that if it was the other way round, I would want to know, esp with regards to protecting my sexual health, and informing him was morally the right thing to do.

He was very grateful, although shocked, he knew things weren't right and was made to feel paranoid by her denials and lies.

Remember that it is not you who hurt him and DC - they are being hurt by HER actions. Living in a relationship full of deceit is damaging.

eurochick · 30/12/2013 10:24

I agree with the others - it's your husband that betrayed you, not her. There is no need to hurt her boyfriend and child because you have been treated poorly by him.