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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell the OWs partner?

158 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 09:39

Long story (another thread), but basically h and I are seperating (staying together over holidays for kids) after I found evidence of affair on his phone (he is a multiple offender)

One of the ow is walking around with her head held high and still in relationship with her bf and he knows nothing about what she gas done. I have copies of the texts. Would you tell/show her bf?

I know my beef is not with her, but she knew h was married with kids, her morals suck. She has been unfaithful to bf also. I just want her to have some consequences.

OP posts:
ImaginativeNewName · 30/12/2013 10:29

Not the same thing really but my dh''s ex went through a phase of texting him late at night and asking to meet up with him. He didn't have her number so it took a while to figure out who it was. The next time I saw her husband I approached him and apologised for DH not texting her back on the last few occasions, explained that he didn't have her number anymore but asked him to tell her that we would love to meet up soon for a "catch up". Obviously he was baffled as knew nothing about it and I probably made myself out to be completely unhinged but she hasn't text since. It also came out more recently that she has cheated on him with two other men since. Luckily not with my husband...

I would tell.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 10:31

MadAboutHotChoc how did you tell him? Did you know him?

I have only seen OW in Facebook! There address was in one the texts. I only know of his name and age.

OP posts:
KatOD · 30/12/2013 11:20

Maybe an alternative in view of the fact that there's another DC involved (and I'm sorry I'm not as restrained as other posters who are probably wiser) is to post hard copies to her anonymously telling her to come clean with him...

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 11:22

Have arranged to go to friends this afternoon now, to stop myself doing it today.

truth is I am unhinged and this has sent me mad! I feel so mixed up and all over the place. In just over a week our 'holiday' period is over reality will be back Sad

OP posts:
ShineyBlackShoes · 30/12/2013 11:24

I was the second last to know when my ex-H was with his OW, her H was the last, and I think only found out when she left him for my then husband.

I wish someone had told me my ex-H was having an affair: all our friends did. I had no idea. I left him and although lost almost everything bar the kids because of it (he had lawyers I had nothing) it was the only bit of empowerment I had.

I would not have thought someone was vindictive if I had been informed my husband was lying and cheating, I would have been been given options. But then, it would have been someone I knew who would have told me, not some stranger. I would not inform a stranger of something like this, only someone I knew and could help support them through the trauma.

HowManyMincePies · 30/12/2013 11:31

It's a really tough one.

I don't think you should tell him for revenge on her.

However if they don't have an open relationship...

I would want to know my sexual health was being risked by someone sleeping with another person who can't keep it in their pants as it opens you up to all the third parties sexual parties too.

I hope you start to feel a little better soon!

Sammie101 · 30/12/2013 11:31

I know most people say don't say anything, but if I were in the same situation I would tell her BF.

Partly because I would want revenge on the other woman (even though it is also the man's fault, this woman knew that he was married)

And partly because if my OH was cheating on me and the OW's partner found out I would want to know. I wouldn't want to continue in a relationship with someone who could betray me.

AnuvvaMuvva · 30/12/2013 11:34

I understand why you feel this way. I'd be tempted too!

I think you should sit on it for a few days - wait to see if you're still as keen to do it after NY.

BeCool · 30/12/2013 11:43

If you want to get to her, I'd post the copies to her.

glamourousgranny42 · 30/12/2013 11:58

Dont tell him. I appreciate that you feel hurt but you dont know the dynamics of their relationship. He might react violently. However much it hurts it is her place to deal with this.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 30/12/2013 12:01

Usually, the consensus here is to not do anything. I can understand that.

I would.

Boredandfridgegazing · 30/12/2013 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoisegirl · 30/12/2013 12:09

I was the last to know as well when my H left. You have the double whammy of grief over the loss of a relationship and humiliation over everyone else knowing. One of the worst things in this situation is lack of control over you own life. Give the man some dignity back and let him know. BUT it has to be done sensitively not as an act of revenge.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/12/2013 12:10

Hi op

Completely agree with the always being the one to be responsible and take the higher ground and yeah after enough shit you wonder about giving karma a helping hand.

My thoughts are if you must do it, wait till you've split and the dust is settled and you've got yourself sorted with the kids and finances, you don't want to course probs for yourself before hand especially if it back fires on you with the stbx being extra arsey.

Think of it as a future treat and smile whist fully at her in the street the not knowing when it's coming is far better in my opinion and you know what they say about serving revenge up cold.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 12:18

These threads are almost always divided pretty much 50/50. A lot depends on your own personal feelings on infidelity.

Is it better to know or not know? That's what it boils down to.

I would tell simply because I would want someone to tell me if they knew my dh was cheating, or had been. Especially if there is proof so that there is no uncertainty. I would not want to be with a man who did not consider my feelings, so I would want to know and I would separate.

However, some people would rather not know so that they don't have to face all that anguish so they will advise you to stay out of it.

Upnotdown · 30/12/2013 12:20

Yes, I would. Not to get revenge on her but because her husband deserves to know - she's making a mug of him.

SirSugar · 30/12/2013 12:32

No; don't be an idiot

Lizzabadger · 30/12/2013 12:49

Don't do it. You'd regret it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 30/12/2013 12:57

I told him via email as I already knew him as an acquaintance. I just gave him the facts and left it to him to decide what he wanted to do.

I do not regret doing it at all although he said that he wished I had told him several months ago.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 30/12/2013 13:01

As I have posted before, there is a Chinese proverb: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves."

Keep your dignity and stay out of it; however tough that may be, you will feel better in the future for having been the better woman.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 13:05

There is never a MN consensus on this issue.

That's because by the law of averages: some wouldn't have wanted anyone telling partners about their own affairs, some think the world's worst thing is for a woman to be seen to be angry and wanting revenge, some would have wanted to know when their own partners had an affair and some are neutrals.

I'm in the latter camp.

I see no problem with you being angry and wanting revenge and a man in your situation wouldn't get half the accusations of being crazy, idiotic, bitter, spiteful, vindictive - that stuff's always reserved for justifiably angry women. Men never get told to be dignified or the better person either.

So my only caveat and always is on these threads is that if you tell him, do it personally and with some care and thought for his feelings in case this is going to be shocking news and he wants to ask questions. No cowardly anonymous messages, no photocopies with letters. Phone him or make arrangements to see him. If you can't or won't do that, then leave it alone.

And hey, I'm sorry you've been hurt so badly. I think that often gets overlooked on threads like this when posters are so busy frothing about how awful it is for women to be bitter and angry. You've had a rough time and a bit of kindness on threads like this wouldn't go amiss. You've every right to be angry- never be ashamed of that but use it to your advantage.

arsenaltilidie · 30/12/2013 13:06

If I was the BF I would definitely want to know.
Why should the woman always be the one to "walk away with your head held high."
Why should it matter what they'd think of you. Their opinion of you means absolutely nothing.
You will not be hurting him or his family, she did it all by herself!

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 30/12/2013 13:12

So hard, but don't.

Contain Yourself. Do not get drawn into further mess and drama. Put your children first, at all I times. So be civil to H.

Trust me, a few years down the line, you will feel so proud of how you responded to this situation.

worsestershiresauce · 30/12/2013 13:24

I'd tell, simply because in his shoes I'd want to know. Nothing vindictive about it. She's already hurt him and her child. Having been the cheated on partner I would have wanted people to tell me.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:28

Leavenheath - that's really unfair. I would and have told men exactly the same. There was one the other day in fact who I was telling off for being bitter and twisted and spiteful over his wife's affair and how it would hurt the children.

It isn't the telling or the not telling but acting on feelings of spitefulness and indulging bitterness.

I agree, and have said, that I feel people have the right to know about their partner's unfaithfulness but not in this way. Not out of vengeance and bitterness.

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