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Original poster

Would you tell the OWs partner?

158 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 09:39

Long story (another thread), but basically h and I are seperating (staying together over holidays for kids) after I found evidence of affair on his phone (he is a multiple offender)

One of the ow is walking around with her head held high and still in relationship with her bf and he knows nothing about what she gas done. I have copies of the texts. Would you tell/show her bf?

I know my beef is not with her, but she knew h was married with kids, her morals suck. She has been unfaithful to bf also. I just want her to have some consequences.

OP posts:
34DD · 31/12/2013 10:35

This reply has been deleted

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FluffyJumper · 31/12/2013 10:42

People are questioning the OPs motives as they can effect the outcome she is hoping for.

drasticpark · 31/12/2013 10:46

The H of the OW confronted my ex about 18 months before I discovered their affair. Neither my ex or the H told me at the time. I was FURIOUS that the H hadn't thought to tell me. I really wish he had. We were all "friends". A lot of pain would have been saved. They did a complete number on the H and convinced him he was delusional.

18 months later, when I eventually discovered concrete evidence (thanks to WWIFN) I told the H and they all tried to do the same number on me, nearly sending me over the edge. The three of them persecuted me for months. The H simply didn't want to believe me. He was dismissive and patronising. I was like a dog with a bone and eventually got the truth in a spectacular way.

If you are doing it for revenge you may not get the reaction you want. If you are doing it to be honest and truthful then go ahead. I don't regret telling for one second. But ask yourself this: are you even 1% interested in hearing about the fallout and devastation that will ensue? If so, how will you feel if you find out that OW and her H declare their undying love for each other on the back of this revelation?

Also, I couldn't have cared less about being painted as vindictive, mad, undignified or irrational. If anyone thought that then they weren't worth knowing so why would I be concerned with their image of me? Most people were very sympathetic. Anyone that wasn't was not worth my headspace.

Whatever you do, put yourself first. Work through the consequences to you with every possible outcome and how that would make you feel. It's a fine balance.

KingRollo · 31/12/2013 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 31/12/2013 11:20

Thank you for all your view points.

I have decided I will tell him, I'm not carrying other peoples secrets, I would want to know.
But I have taken on the thoughts of those who think I shouldn't. It's made me see that this isn't just a revenge thing, its about honesty (which my life seems to have lacked from others).
I like that people have made me think about what might happen next. If they declared un dying love for each other, good luck to em, if my honesty gives them a happy ever after.

If I never hear what happens as a result of telling him, it doesn't matter, I will feel I have been honest and move on

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 31/12/2013 11:23

I agree with you OP. For me, the guilt of carrying someone else's secret, which I did not ask for or agree to keep, would be very disturbing. To know that someone is being treated horribly and stand back and say nothing would trouble me.

Once you have told him, you can leave them to sort out what they want to do and get on with your own life completely separate from theirs.

NamasteNatalie · 31/12/2013 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drasticpark · 31/12/2013 11:34

OP, I get that completely. I also felt that after all the lies and deceit I just wanted to stand up and say, this is the truth and this is what honesty looks like. By not telling I would have felt part of the web of lies. I found it cathartic. It helped me to detach and see that I wasn't part of their pathetic drama. I actually felt quite superior and they were shit on my shoe. That helped. However, I did feel crushed (for about a day) when I heard that OW and her H were trying to repair their marriage. So brace yourself for that. Nobody is completely altruistic.

drasticpark · 31/12/2013 11:37

I mean, brace yourself for feeling negative after you've revealed the truth. It's a huge adrenaline rush and there is usually a low afterwards.

KatOD · 31/12/2013 13:26

Op, good luck with whatever you do and I hope things improve for you.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 31/12/2013 13:28

There's bound to be a bit of a firestorm afterwards, but if I was the other partner, I would want someone to tell me. Even if it was something I didn't want to hear.

CookieDoughKid · 31/12/2013 13:37

Look messenger always gets shot, no matter how bad the news is.

I have bitter experience. And it wasn't even about an affair. I told various members of my dh's family about their family member who got twice arrested over child porn and child abuse over my DC and I got freakin flayed for being a crazy mother.

So no matter how yoy think your news is bring taken as helpful or whatever, its never ever going to be received well because it's coming from you

Leave them to rot.

CookieDoughKid · 31/12/2013 13:38

Sorry bad spelling typing from mobile device...

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 31/12/2013 16:43

hi house
I told the ow fiance in the street. I saw her by accident and just did it without thinking

I felt elated. Im sorry he had to find out as I know how shitty i feel but Im glad he has the oppotunity to decide if she is worth staying with.

She call my dh and ranted and raved. I couldnt give a shit.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 31/12/2013 16:59

Done.

I posted it through the door in a sealed envelope addressed to him. She was there, she saw me, but I she doesn't know who I am.

She may open it (if suspicious) and make sure he doesn't see it. But maybe she will see she needs to be honest and tell him herself. Or she may choose to continue lying.

He may open it and learn the truth. What he does from there is his choice.

They have my number, I've heard nothing.

Its out of my hands and my conscious is clear. I don't know weather to tell h (who still lives here until next week).

But I really feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 31/12/2013 17:02

I think if I were her I would be suspicious.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 31/12/2013 17:22

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Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 31/12/2013 17:50

His works car was there, so I guess so.

envelope could have had work related stuff in, but if she was suspicious, I guess she will have opened it.
Even if she does and hides it, she will at least know I know where she lives. She's not to know that I could be some nutter and try and tell him again and again. Which may make her tell the truth.

I really don't care, I ve passed on information, im done

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2013 17:55

Don't be so sure she doesn't know who you are. My cousin's X's OW knew who she was long before she found out about the affair. And they lived 20 miles apart! At any rate, if I saw some unknown woman post something through my door (especially if I was having an affair) you can bet I'd be rushing to the door to intercept it.

Right now what you need to be doing, since IIRC your H is still in the family home, is getting your paperwork and financial ducks in a row. I think I can pretty much guarantee that within the next 24-48 hours the OW will be telling your H about the letter, either because she intercepted it or because her DP read it and confronted her.

Oh, how did my cousin find out? She found a mushy, lovey Valentine's card in her X's car addressed to 'My Love' with 'how glad I am we have each other' mush notes and signed by her X. She left it in the car for him to give to her. It wasn't the card she received the next day. After the dust settled, she was so hurt by the number of her friends who either knew or suspected he was cheating and didn't tell her. FWIW, I think you were right in telling, but I probably wouldn't have done it through an anonymous note.

sparklysilversequins · 31/12/2013 17:55

I would like to say I would take the moral high ground but I am pretty sure I would be letting him know.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2013 18:07

I wouldn't tell your Husband whilst he's still living with you - he could turn nasty.

Much sympathy to you at this horrid time.

Droves · 31/12/2013 18:15

.

bringbacksideburns · 31/12/2013 18:23

You did what was right for you OP.

I do think she probably does know it's you or at least will be wary at the moment because she will have been informed you now know but at least now it's done.

Look to the future and get him out asap x

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 01/01/2014 05:19

I told him I did it.

H, unsurprisingly, tried to turn it so I did it to hurt and scare him.
I told him that I would want to know and it's out there now. I don't need this shit coming to light again in the future because ow bf found out (which I'm sure would happen)

They live over 20miles away in a town I rarely drive through and I know no one there.

I honestly feel like I've closed the door on that aspect of my marriage breakdown. I now feel focused on moving on.

OP posts:
KatOD · 01/01/2014 10:17

Good for you OP, I hope that your H's "me me me" attitude makes you realise what a huge positive it is to get rid of him.

Hope things get better for you. X