Would you tell the OWs partner?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Long story (another thread), but basically h and I are seperating (staying together over holidays for kids) after I found evidence of affair on his phone (he is a multiple offender)

One of the ow is walking around with her head held high and still in relationship with her bf and he knows nothing about what she gas done. I have copies of the texts. Would you tell/show her bf?

I know my beef is not with her, but she knew h was married with kids, her morals suck. She has been unfaithful to bf also. I just want her to have some consequences.

Brilliant! Even if the ow kept your note, it will be forever hanging over her head. She's afraid, very afraid!! She'll be distressed, fearful and probably panicking.

Revenge served cold? No. Just letting the adulterers know you're not a door matt.

Love the thought of the Ow shitting a brick , from panic , wondering if her world will crumble into a mess .

Not so much fun for her now your driving the " wrecking ball " through her life , like she ( and he ) did through yours .

for Op

I'm glad you're leaving. He is such a disgusting excuse of a human being.

And I would want to know, in the shoes of the OW's partner. I would always, always want to know.

I hope 2014 brings good things for you.

Hmmmm... I hope you don't live to regret this.

Blessed are the peacemakers and all that. Try to be positive in your life going forward.

Cookiedough you have no idea about the OW's position - she might be in an abusive relationship for all you know and that letter might have serious consequences. How can it be good feeling to know that you have made someone else stressed, panicked and fearful, as you put it? The OW has had an affair with the OP's husband; immoral but not a crime. It is an event that will happen to a significant minority in their lives and that they need to cope with and get over, hence the recent changes to the laws on murder and diminished responsibility: the overwhelming emotions of betrayal used to be a partial defence to murder (generally of the woman), but Parliament, after a lot of consideration, has recognised that infidelity is now so common place that you have to take it on the chin (no matte how hard that might be) and not start acting out revenge. I do realise that a note the OW is hardly the same as murder, but the motivation (jealousy of her DH, and treating him more like a possession than an autonomous human being ie blaming the OW for stealing something from her) is the same and is not really acceptable in the 21c.

I do realise that a note the OW is hardly the same as murder, but the motivation (jealousy of her DH, and treating him more like a possession than an autonomous human being ie blaming the OW for stealing something from her) is the same and is not really acceptable in the 21c.

Sorry, but what? Obviously the other party in an affair has far, far, far less responsibility for it than the cheat, but at the same time they do have some. It's not a morally neutral action; it's a wholly shitty thing to do to someone. Feeling angry and resentful that someone is so cavalier about the ripple effects of their behaviour on others is in no way treating a spouse as a possession and it's victim-blaming rationalisation to pretend otherwise. And to conflate the assessment that an affair is not justification for murder with the assessment that nobody has the right to feel rage and hurt with the partners is just risible - you might as well compare cutlery use at mealtimes with knife crime.

No, the OP's motives weren't edifying, but in this situation I think they are entirely human and normal. And motives aside, to say, "he could be abusive!" is to bring fantasy into a situation as a means to validate your own perspective. Having an affair is abusive, and therefore as far as we know the sole abusive party here is the OW. Those are the facts as we know them, and there is no more validity to imagining complicating circumstances here than there is in saying, "well she probably provoked him!" when a man is violent. An affair is not justifiable either, and most men are NOT violent, so it's a silly thing to drag into the mix as some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behaviour. As you say, adultery is commonplace, but I am bemused by the notion that there can never be anything gained by giving someone who is being betrayed the facts. It's not simple. Some people would really rather not know, others would be hugely relieved to. Motives do not affect outcome, and personally I think it's best if someone who is being cheated on has the dignity of knowledge. That's certainly a position you can disagree with on solid and well reasoned grounds, but I think the grounds you selected are quite epically misplaced, myself.

No, I do NOT think an affair is anything like as morally reprehensible as hitting someone. I can link to posts I've made on people hitting children, and victim-blaming domestic violence survivors, to support that. I simply find it distasteful when people seek to use the justified opprobrium surrounding domestic violence to justify lesser forms of abuse. There is no evidence whatsoever any such violence is present here. It's a manipulative argument.

Not acceptable in 21c totally agree but sometimes, you have to put yourself first and do what's you think is best to move on (in balance to all the things you mentioned about murder (?!), abuse and so on. I'm totally not condoning any of murder and abuse etc.

Its also not acceptable being dishonest, knowingly deceitful and living a lie within an abusive relationship or not.

We don't have all the facts agree, its all probability and risk and in my humble opinion, what I think the op did was fine. If the ow was at risk, the op can also send her a second letter with contact numbers of the police, emergency services, women's aid and of course, her dh contact details tooo....

Just saying!!

I think you did the right thing. I would tell without question every single time. Everyone has the right to know if they a being put at risk of infection by cheating bastards.

Plum ? Why should the OP give two hoots about the OW , or what happens to her ? She didn't care when she started the affair with OPs H .

Seriously don't try make the OP feel bad about her actions . I think she's the only one who's done right here . OWS partner has the right to know he's at risk of sti from his cheating bitch of a gf

"after a lot of consideration, has recognised that infidelity is now so common place that you have to take it on the chin (no matter how hard that might be) and not start acting out revenge."

Really, ProfPlum? Really? Of course I'm not advocating that an affair in ANY WAY justifies violence of any kind, but perhaps infidelity has become 'common place' (not in MY world!) because people have been told to 'take it on the chin'. Maybe if more people acted in moral outrage, be it taking it on themselves to inform the innocent spouse or just to let the cheater know what they think of him/her and then freeze them out of their circle of friends, maybe, just maybe some people would think twice about cheating. A few decades ago, when I was younger, someone who cheated was thought of as disgusting and morally bankrupt. Now we're all told to just 'get along' and 'forgive'. Bollocks, I say! There needs to be consequences, if only in the way we treat cheaters in our social circle. Maybe then we can begin the slow journey back to where a marriage/partnership was something to be cherished and protected.

I do realize that some people fall out of love or realize they aren't happy and, for whatever reason, want 'out'. Then the right thing to do is to tell your spouse/partner and leave them a little dignity during the breakup.

Another one who thinks you did the right thing - her other half deserves to know and you shouldn't even have to consider the bitch's feelings or the impact it may have.

She didn't consider yours. I'm all for telling the other half - she and your husband were the ones that caused the pain, you weren't.

I think it's highly likely that the OW intercepted the note and it will never be seen by her BF. People having affairs tend to be highly suspicious (rightly so, there was a thread the other day about an affair being outed via an anonymous note) and good at covering their tracks. Plus it's a mighty big assumption that she doesn't know what you look like.

Although people disagree, I think you did the right thing OP. If I was the bf I'd want to know. He deserves to know the truth and make decisions based upon all the facts.

I feel I did the right thing

it is highly likely she intercepted the note, it's her conscience not mine. Yeah I hope she is bricking it. Or I hope she will see she needs to tell him before someone else does.

h suggested she will have moved on to another affair (theres is over, apparently for a while). So some other relationship could be victim of her behaviour. If she is this serial cheat she will get caught out sooner or later.

I feel so much more at peace. Any spite I felt has been replaced with a feeling of being morally higher. I tried to share the truth, if she interfered she's making a rod for her own back.
I have heard nothing (and h hasn't been approached by an angry man -as he feared), and I honestly don't care. I'm too busy getting on with my life leaving the mess in 2013

I wouldn't be falling for any of this bullshit about her being a serial cheat, I mean it may well be true but it's manipulative of your h to tell you that. He's handily directing you to focus on ow instead of him and therefore deflecting some of the heat off him.

Oh I know he will have fed us both a pack of lies. She will have been told im boring, dull etc and hes got to stay because of the kids. He's told me she pursued him, she couldn't leave him alone and he was weak (pah!)

He's going next week (as we discussed in counselling, keep together over xmas for dcs). He's desperately trying to get me to change my mind. I don't give a shit where he goes

I hope he does go and without too much drama. What an insignificant little wanker. He needs to take some responsibility for himself and stop blaming the women around him for what he lacks. I always think it isn't the affair as such that shows you the person but how they handle it.

I think you did the right thing, OP. If there were more people willing to do this maybe there might be less cheating.

Every single person who cheats thinks they won't be discovered. You see it on mn all the time. But what they always forget is that they are involving themselves in other peoples' business and what others say and do is totally out of their control

Droves
"Why should the OP give two hoots about the OW , or what happens to her ?"

Because the OW is a human being, deserving compassion like every other human being.

Acrossthepond Are you in USA? The americans are rather more religious than we Brits. If you are not a practising Christian however, then marriage is a determinable contract and none of us is tied into a relationship for life that we are unhappy in. I am a humanist and wonder why you want me to be morally outraged when a marriage breaks down? Who will that help, unless you want unhappy, broken marriages to limp on for decades for some reason (? what reason?).

PS I have been married for decades and am in favour of marriage for life if that is what both partners want and continue to want. There are immense benefits in the stability to both family and society.

OP I am not judging you btw. What you did was to follow a very human instinct. I hope 2014 works out better for you. x

Prof, I understand why you take the standpoint you do but what about compassion for the husband who has been cheated on.

He may have contracted an sti, he could be living in ignorance of his health thinking he could have more children down the line. A married person in a monogamous relationship would have no need to be checked for infections.

I think this is why I would always tell the innocent partner. They deserve to know if their health and future fertility is being jeopardised by the actions of another.

I went through years of fertility treatments to have my boys due to PCOS. I can't imagine how much worse that would have been if it was due to some selfish bastard giving me a disease.

If I was him, I'd want to know, even if it was painful. I would therefore tell him and post the hard copies.

Sorry your h cheated on you.