Would you tell the OWs partner?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Long story (another thread), but basically h and I are seperating (staying together over holidays for kids) after I found evidence of affair on his phone (he is a multiple offender)

One of the ow is walking around with her head held high and still in relationship with her bf and he knows nothing about what she gas done. I have copies of the texts. Would you tell/show her bf?

I know my beef is not with her, but she knew h was married with kids, her morals suck. She has been unfaithful to bf also. I just want her to have some consequences.

There seems to be an interesting double standard here.

On the one hand, that the OP's marriage broke down is the fault of her H, and she "shouldn't" be angry with the other women who had sex with him; he's the one who broke his vows so he is solely responsible for all the hurt caused, not his willing sexual partners.

However, if the OP were to tell the OW's partner about the affair then apparently she (the OP) would be responsible for the hurt felt by him and potentially the DC.

There's a disconnect between those two viewpoints, surely?

It isn't fair to tell OW's partner out of spite - he is a real person, who is likely to be terribly hurt.

However, I think that there are two good reasons to tell him. Once is that he needs to protect his own sexual health, as there is no telling where your H and the OW have been. The other is that you know gossip will get out, and it would be kinder for him to be prepared for that. You do need to do it in person though, and you also need to take steps to protect your own security (or make a phone call). Make sure you are in a frame of mind where it is clear you are trying to act in his interests rather than attempting sabotage.

And make sure your arrangements are watertight, in case your exh gets vindictive.

Out of interest northernpixie, did anyone ever say to you that the OM owed you nothing and that your partner had probably told him a load of lies and duped him? I've never known that said to men who've been cuckolded, but it seems a regular refrain on here directed at women regarding the poor OW who was just as much a victim of an unscrupulous man.

It was said to the man on here the other day Leavenheath. He wasn't going after the OM particularly but trying to abuse his cheating wife. She'd spun a line about being gullible and vulnerable and listening to mumsnet who apparently told her to have an affair. Loads of people told him that was utter bollocks and she wasn't taking responsibility but he also got short shrift in his attempts to abuse her.

PaperBag

"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me telling you this but I really think that you have a right to know that your girlfriend has been cheating on you.

You may already know, of course, but just in case you didn't I felt it important that you have that information so that you can decide what you want to do with it.

If you want to know anything else, here is my telephone number, I will be happy to chat with you. If not, I hope that the information is not too distressing for you and I wish you well in the future"

How can something as simple and kind as that make a person look psychotic? It's just an exchange of information for the benefit of the recipient.

That's different then, if he wasn't raging about the OM's role in it. I saw that thread and followed the guidelines and didn't post my suspicions about it, but I certainly don't remember anyone telling him that the OM was a victim of his wife's lies and that the bloke owed him nothing. I saw posters telling him that he was a victim of his wife's lies, which is entirely different.

No, no 'notes'.

OP or any message-giver has no clue about the mental state of someone receiving it, or what they might do afterwards having got this news.

That message is fine though if delivered in person and you're right, there's nothing remotely psychotic about that act.

I think I am pretty much decided I'm doing it. I think Fairenuff note sounds reasonable.

I agree with others, I would want to know.

I was told by OWs husband about my ex DPs affair, he put that he hated to be the one to tell me and he had no pleasure in doing so... my ex DP denied and denied again, but although it hurt so much I was thankful for the info as not knowing what others knew would of hurt me even more...at least I was able to make my own mind up about what to do

The ow my ex had an affair with was married but no kids. The correspondence I read between her and my ex broke my heart. Neither had any respect for the injured parties. I had her number so text her saying that she had 24 hours to tell her husband or I would. He deserved to know what she was doing and saying behind his back like I did

Hope you're ok houmous. Please be careful x

I'd tell. And I don't think it makes you look vindictive. I'd want to know if it was me, I bet he already has suspicions anyway.

And the people who've caused this hurt are the 2 people who had the affairs.

Leavenheath - No, nobody said that to me. My heart says it is 90% the OM fault (he has done it before), my head says it must be 50/50, it took me a while to accept it wasn't my fault.
houmous - I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, but I would certainly support any decision someone in our position takes. In the end I made the positive decision not to but that suited my situation.

No surprises there then northern...and hey I'm glad you realise it wasn't your fault. Good luck OP and sorry you're going with the note idea.

Haven't had time to read whole thread but just to say the other half of OW inadvertently told me when he phoned my DH to confront him about the sexually explicit texts he'd found on her phone.One look at my DHs face and the way he fled the room told me something devastating was happening.He came clean after that call.Our marriage nearly didn't survive but four years on is stronger than ever.It was a long painful,process but in hindsight a much needed one.Although I will never know if her DH considered if I would be with DH when he made that call I will always be grateful he made it.It stopped a developing affair in its tracks,and I would have hated finding out much later,or from other sources - always possible -or the idea of being the only one out of the four people in the dark.

Yep, do it.

I really like fairenuff's suggestion

I would like to know if it was happening to me

If I knew him personally, or had mutual friends, yes I would tell him. I would only tell him if I could do it directly, no anonymous letters or anything.

If it was revenge I wanted, and I imagine I might, I'd just tell her I was going to tell him, make her sweat.

I think others are right in advising to wait until the dust has settled, but meanwhile don't keep their dirty secrets and word will spread.

When are you telling him OP?

Hopefully today

As someone who found out about an affair from the ow husband I would say tell him c

Is there any particular reason you feel the need to do it today? I'm guessing as it's NYE they will probably have plans for later and any revelation today will create maximum drama that has to go public...

OP you know your motives are suspect in this. As you say, you want someone else to be hurting. I think that's a motive that needs sleeping on for a while.

I don't know why people are chuntering on about the OPs motives being important.

If I'm about to step off the kerb in front of a car and someone stops me I'm not about to fret about why they did it.

"How dare you save me from stepping under that bus. You didn't do it because you care about me! You were showing off in front of your new girlfriend so you could look like a hero! Well don't expect any thanks from me - you didn't have the right MOTIVES"