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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell the OWs partner?

158 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 30/12/2013 09:39

Long story (another thread), but basically h and I are seperating (staying together over holidays for kids) after I found evidence of affair on his phone (he is a multiple offender)

One of the ow is walking around with her head held high and still in relationship with her bf and he knows nothing about what she gas done. I have copies of the texts. Would you tell/show her bf?

I know my beef is not with her, but she knew h was married with kids, her morals suck. She has been unfaithful to bf also. I just want her to have some consequences.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 30/12/2013 13:33

Surely the OW will be suffering more by not knowing if you are going to drop her in it?

Once you have she will no longer be suffering.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:34

It's difficult and the feelings are normal but it is important that where children are concerned BOTH people try not to act on those feelings of bitterness and vengeance because doing so creates a huge amount of animosity and a never ending fight which the children will be in the middle of.

So I recommend venting on mumsnet. I recommend not acting on those feelings and considering later on after time has passed whether you should tell the bf.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 13:36

I wasn't speaking directly to you, but in any case I disagree with you about the wrongness of feeling bitter and vengeful. Too often in these situations the person who is feeling those normal emotions is castigated for doing so. I think that's unfair. I also think that 'telling off' someone who's hurt and in pain is indefensible. There are gentler ways to give an opinion to someone who is raw and in pain, even if you're advising someone not to do what they suggest. Quite a few posters have managed that very well on this thread.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:37

It isn't feeling bitter and vengeful that's the issue. It's acting on the feelings and it applies equally to men and women having relationship disputes where children are involved.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 13:39

It's also complete projection that children will get involved in animosity and fighting. The person who is told might do nothing, or might elect to leave the relationship and co-parent in a civil and mature fashion. Not everyone ending a relationship or even staying in one involves their children in what is a private matter between the adults.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:39

And that's the same thing I said to the man on here the other day. It's ok to have feelings like this, not ok to act on them.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:42

That last post is utterly delusion. Of course children will be stressed if their parents are bitterly fighting with each other. People may think they are not involving the children and the matters are private but they are completely wrong about that. It's like when my anorexic friend told me her son was unaffected by her illness. The same son who is underweight and often ill and who has his own fear of eating any fat or sugar...

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 13:47

No it's not 'delusion'. Don't be so bloody rude.

You are assuming that the parents will a) bitterly fight with one another. Not everyone does that. and b) that people are incapable of resolving their relationship crises without involving children in the unsavoury details. I am not saying that children are unaffected by problems in their parent's relationship, or that they would be unaffected by its ending. But that is the choice and decision of the parents involved, not a third party who has no say in what happens next.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:50

Erm... No I'm not.

I'm discouraging THIS person in THIS situation from acting on their entirely normal feelings for vengeance because it will ramp up the animosity.

I'm also saying IF on breakdown of the relationship both parents indulge those normal feelings of animosity and behave vengeful lot and bitterly towards each other the children will suffer because they are in the middle. You cannot keep that private from children.

Offred · 30/12/2013 13:52

Like I discouraged the other person the other day from behaving bitterly and vengefully for the same reasons. One is male and one is female, it's nothing to do with expecting women to rise above it or expecting anyone not to have normal feelings about something really hurtful.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 30/12/2013 13:56

hi, houmous

too much emotion still happening here

get him out of your house, and then decide ?

like MAHC did, perhaps leave it a while so that you can be sure for yourself that if you tell him, that you are doing it for the right reasons

sometimes, looking back, knowing that you did everything right whilst all else was wrong around you can be a comfort

bringing yourself as low as they are may have fleeting satisfaction value, but personally I am not sure it is worth it

I would, however, be singling like a canary to all your friends and family about what he has done, and gossip does have a habit of spreading....

are you the OP that is still keeping your cheating husband's dirty secrets ? I think you should deal with stuff closer to home first, love x

idobelieveinfairies · 30/12/2013 13:59

Personally I would want to be told if my DP was seeing someone else so I wouldn't have to waste any more time with a cheating scumbag!

I would hate the fact that someone knew and wasn't telling me! But that's my personal opinion.

Hope you'll be ok.

CuntyBunty · 30/12/2013 14:14

Hope you are ok Op and for what it's worth, of course it's normal to feel bitter after your supposed nearest and dearest has pissed years of your life away by having an affair. Which you did not know about, nor consent to.

I hope you are LTB whatever you do regarding the other woman. Hope you feel better soon.

FloWhite · 30/12/2013 15:16

Speaking as someone who was told anonymously of my former husband's affair - it did set off a chain of events which were very painful, yes.

However, whilst I am now glad it happened I'd feel somewhat less rage at the person who did that if she/he had not just written one line, had identified themselves and had apologised for being the bearer of such devastating news. I'll forever be uncertain just who in our marriage they were trying to hurt the most and if there's someone out there who hates me that much to have done this - for good reason or not.

Tilpil · 30/12/2013 15:47

I'm sorry but I would tell them but I would do it in person if possible to make sure dc wasn't around when you told him.
I would want to know and I did get told I am forever grateful to the women for doing it and it took guts I don't care if she wanted to hurt me or not I would rather know then be in ignorance

Upnotdown · 30/12/2013 16:06

I was told anonymously, too. I wish they'd identified themselves, but I think I know who it was and their reasons were not for my benefit, more their own.

But the end result was the same - I felt like chains had been lifted off me. I was, and still am, very grateful.

gamerchick · 30/12/2013 16:13

Inflicting pain on somebody put of revenge is never a good thing. Cheaters get caught eventually usually.

But it's you'll who will have to deal with it. I can totally understand why you would want to.

Abbykins1 · 30/12/2013 16:28

I would tell the bf.

MirandaWest · 30/12/2013 16:40

I was in this situation. XH was having an affair and I knew the OWs partner didn't know. I think he didn't know even once XH had moved out a few months later.

I thought very hard about whether to let her partner know. I could have got in touch with him (v distinctive surname) and nearly did on more than one occasion. But I'm glad i didn't. He found out at some point (either on his own or was told) and they've been split up for a while now. I am glad it wasn't me who told him tbh.

Beccawoo · 30/12/2013 16:42

Know how you feel my XH left for ow who he is still with 2yrs later. She was single when they started the affair. Over the past 2 yrs he has tried numerous times to get me to take him back, usually via text or email, all of which I've kept. All this is unknown to her, she thinks she "won her man". Sometimes I am so desperate to forward all the messages on to her..... But it doesn't really achieve anything. Better to take the higher ground and walk away.

Divinity · 30/12/2013 16:47

I had this dilemma too. I chose not to because I was still sneakily sorting my exit plan (which has worked very well).

I'm glad I did not tell the OH as he found out himself and all hell broke loose at her end. If I had been the one to break the news then I would have had some of that to deal with and frankly I had enough already.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 16:54

Leave it well alone. You could end up in the middle of a big mess.

Unless there were STIs in the middle.

northernpixie · 30/12/2013 16:56

I had a similar problem when I found out my DW was having an affair. Thought long and hard and decided not to say anything to the OM's partner, I was worried about doing the right/wrong thing for the wrong/right reason. Worked out OK in the end, OM's partner found out, the shit hit the fan and he got chucked out. I then found out he had been living in fear of me telling his partner for the previous 3 months, serves the fornicating bastard right!

PaperBagPrincess · 30/12/2013 17:00

Woah. No way. Absolutely no way. Acting out of anger, jealousy, bitterness...only makes you come off looking psychotic and sad.

It is one of those situations in life where you HAVE to try to be the bigger person.

LemonEntry · 30/12/2013 17:01

Yes. I would absolutely cause as much trouble as possible for her.

There is no such thing as karma. Shitty people get away with doing shitty things all the time, while awful things happen to good people.

I would be beyond furious with my DH of course but the idea that I should take a beatific "She owes me nothing therefore I shouldn't be angry with her" attitude is ridiculous.

If you're the sort of person who would feel guilty then leave it but I'd figure she deserved it.

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