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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not met friends/family, 1 year in...

271 replies

MissBurrows · 30/12/2013 01:39

I've been with my boyfriend for a year on Jan 1st, and I've not yet met any of his friends or family. Does anyone else think this is weird or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Blondeorbrunette · 03/01/2014 00:22

Cant get to grips with this tablet!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 03/01/2014 00:29

I haven't read the whole thread, but just want to say that not introducing your partner to your family doesn't need to mean he doesn't see you as serious. I had a pretty dysfunctional family that I only thought of introducing a significant other to when we got engaged. The response was that they didn't want to meet him or even discuss the engagement.

Did I read that you've not met his friends either? That's pretty weird, I must admit!

birdybear · 03/01/2014 00:37

Great! Let us know how it goes ?!

Original poster
MissBurrows · 03/01/2014 00:54

Blondeorbrunette I think you're probably closest here, he has mentioned before that he cannot relax around his parents and they make him uncomfortable (they complain that he spends too much time alone in his room... working! ...or that he eats too much/not enough.. etc etc)
I feel silly saying that, he's 32 and his parents complain that he spends too much time in his room! Grin

I think (and I could just be convincing myself here) that the friends thing is because they're all "lads", beer swilling, prank playing lads. Plus he grew up with them so they know all his secrets, and how many times he shit himself during P.E!
I'm teetotal and quite "posh" I suppose. So he might just think I wouldn't like them or something. But I'm sure I would!

Will definitely be back to let you know how it goes/if it happens.
If it doesn't then I'm definitely walking. You've all made me realise no matter what his reasons, he should be honest with me, and that he's taking the piss quite a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissBurrows · 03/01/2014 20:12

It's all gone tits up. Sad
Sorry I've let you all down by being pathetic.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 03/01/2014 20:15

What's happened?

You haven't let anyone down MissBurrows. You challenged him on it, if that's scared him off then it's best for you in the long run By which I mean by Monday.

invicta · 03/01/2014 20:17

Hope you are alright. Thinking of you. You have not let anyone down.

ohfourfoxache · 03/01/2014 20:18

Don't be ridiculous, you've not let anyone down, the important thing is that you are ok xx

What happened? Do you want to talk about it? Completely understand if you don't, just don't want you to feel alone Sad

Original poster
MissBurrows · 03/01/2014 20:24

I don't think my last post posted,(having some computer issues) so here's the gist. Basically we have had a huge fight, I asked him about the parents thing again and he said I was "pressuring" him.
So I backed down and let my hormones dictate to me what I should be doing.
So, cue needy and emotional me.
He did apologise for how it looked and the meeting is still on.
We're okay-ish now, but I feel I could've stuck to my guns better.

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 03/01/2014 20:50

Hope you are ok op

Ragusa · 03/01/2014 21:04

Oh hope you are ok :( You haven't let anyone down, don't be daft. It's easy to pass comment and give advice on a board like this, much harder for in real life to do stuff about tricky situations ...

purplebaubles · 03/01/2014 21:07

Huge red flag. Sorry. But it's totally weird!

Original poster
MissBurrows · 03/01/2014 21:07

He's the best thing that ever happened to me (after DS obviously!) And this issue is the only one affecting our relationship. He says he is "very happy" and that he feels our relationship is going well.
I just really hope he coems through for me next week, otherwise I'll be kicking myself for letting him walk all over me again.

Thankyou everyone, you're all so lovely and supportive. Don't know what I'd have done without you all. Nothing would have gotten solved at all I don't think! x

OP posts:
Original poster
MissBurrows · 03/01/2014 21:08

purplebaubles he has explained his reasons to me now, and I understand... I'm just annoyed he didn't just say "I'm not ready" rather than string me along until he was ready.

OP posts:
purplebaubles · 03/01/2014 21:16

Well, I hope it goes well then. Goodluck.

horsetowater · 03/01/2014 23:05

Hold on OP, you're victim-blaming yourself here, with talk of 'hormonal needy emotional me'. NO that's not what you are. You have a right to be treated with respect, openness and kindness without degrading yourself.

I am starting to wonder whether there is a red flag situation here as well. Do please read literature on emotional abuse and see if any of the behaviours tie in with his. It's very hard to tell from a few posts on here. Some abusers play a very long game indeed and it's impossible to see them for what they are when you are in the early days of a relationship.

Wuxiapian · 03/01/2014 23:13

I really hope this meeting goes ahead for you, Miss.

bisjo · 03/01/2014 23:42

I hate to say it but I will be truly gobsmacked if next week's meeting with his parents actually happens. You live in the same area so there is no reason why you couldn't have popped over to his house for coffee before now. There is no need to arrange a special meeting in order to meet them.

Of course he would say his relationship with you is going well - you are accepting everything he tells you and apologising when you query what he says.

katykittens · 04/01/2014 01:38

Hi, I won't give you any more advice as I see you have been given plenty by other posters but just wanted to share a couple of other people's similar experiences.

One of my friends was with the same guy for 5 years (yes 5) before she met his parents. They were all from the same town. He lived with his parents but they would only spend time at her house. She only ever went to his parents house when they were out or on holiday. The whole family knew she existed and she had met his siblings several times over the 5 years, just not his parents. I think the reason was that he had never had a serious girlfriend and just felt awkward around his parents about it. Eventually they did meet and the couple are now married and she is totally involved with his family, goes round for dinner etc.

Another friend was with a guy for 4 years and in that time she never met the parents or friends. He would do his socialising separately, even going on holidays with his friends. He was also never keen to attend events as a couple, but was happy to go out for dinner the two of them. There was absolutely nothing for him to be ashamed about- she has a successful career, owns a property, independent, fit, attractive etc. I think his parents were quite stuffy and he was just weird about it. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

But yeah, don't let it go on any longer than the year that it already has- you'll drive yourself mad like the two above did!

AllOverIt · 04/01/2014 06:28

I really hope this meeting happens for you OP

Vijac · 04/01/2014 13:41

I actually think not meeting friends is odder than family. He may have a bit of a childish relationship with his family and just not socialise with them much (though he could have arranged a meeting if you wanted one). But with friends, does he never go out for lunch, dinner, to a friends birthday, Christmas drinks etc? If he does, why aren't you invited and if he doesn't, that's a bit worrying (no friends?).

Original poster
MissBurrows · 05/01/2014 02:17

We just had a huge fight and I had it out with him that I was tired of him using my hormones as an excuse, and that I was sick of his "I'm always right" attitude.
He's conceeded and agreed he's acted wrongly, but that his temper affects him quite badly (which is not an excuse) . I'm going to suggest couples therapy. I'll say something along the lines of I want to go and will he come hold my hand... then get him involved. Therapy of any sort would be good for him as he has issues of his own he needs to work through. He has freely admitted to have sociopathic tendancies that he wants to sort out.
If this meeting happens, I will eat my.. hat (I'll find a hat to eat!)

But anyway. We'll see how things go now I've stood up for myself and told him how I feel.

Thanks everyone for your continued support and advice, you're all so lovely! xxx

Vijac he does have friends BUT they don't meet in my city and he will sleep over at their houses (which might be weird with me and him and a bunch of by mates). He has however arranged for me to meet one of his closest friends, P... and P's girlfriend. x

OP posts:
Skintorama · 05/01/2014 07:48

Sociopathic tendencies and temper?

He is telling you who he is. He doesn't treat you well. Please think about ending this.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 05/01/2014 08:36

Keep standing up for yourself OP. "Sociopathic tendencies"? Oh dear.

And why couples therapy? You don't have any problems!

Rooners · 05/01/2014 09:11

Oh God no this is all terribly wrong. You can do so much better than this sorry excuse for a bloke. xx