My husband has left me and doesn't want to see the children anymore

[Erika203]

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years, I am 31 and he is 38. We have one son who is nearly eight and a daughter who is six.In November he told me he reconnected with an ex girlfriend, and that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her.

I am not sure what to do because he said he can only contribute financially to our children, that his new girlfriends "rules" for them being together is that that he leaves me and the children and start a family with her. He is going to do that and told me so like we were discussing the weather. He told me I may as well tell our children that he is dead because apart from anything that he is ordered to pay he doesn't want anything to do with the children.

I have been numb and I am still in shock. Christmas was awful as the children wanted to know where their father was and why he wasn't there at Christmas like he always is they have not seen him since the end of November. I tried to call on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see if he would at least talk to them on the phone but he wouldn't.

His family is taking my side, which is comforting, but I dont know what to tell my children. As much as I would love to tell them that he's dead, he's not and feel like bearing false witness like that will hurt them more in the long run . My son has understandably been acting up but this morning he came and apologized to me for his behaviour and gave me a hug which just made me want to cry! and my daughter is not her cheerful self. I am trying to be strong for them but I'm devastated.

I can support the children alone financially if he decides not to pay anything towards them so I am not worried about that but I just feel so lost,shocked and really embarrassed.. I had a meeting with a divorce lawyer earlier this month who has told me not to tell my friends and relatives anything about it because of the divorce proceedings (some of our friends are mutual) so I feel completely alone.

I feel like if he wants to leave me to be with her then that it one thing but how can he turn his back on his children who he has seen everyday since they were born ? It was actually him who wanted to start a family. That is what I cant figure out how to explain to my children. I really love him but I hate him for what he has done to me and the children. I have been looking into getting some form of counselling for the children but I don't know what to tell them.He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday , i texted him about arranging to come and see the children or even a phone call but he text back saying we had discussed it.

This is terrible OP. Some people are bloody awful and this is unforgivable. Not making excuses for him but if this is hugely out of character could he be having some kind of breakdown? This doesn't sound normal for someone who was previously a good husband and father.

This is very chilling to read I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm not an expert so won't post much.

Very odd advice from the lawyer. Do you have a friend who is just 'yours' as it were? What about your parents, a sister? You need support in this. What would go 'wrong' if you told people?

I wonder if Families Need Fathers might be able to advise you? Or does your husband have a brother or other male relative with a family, or is he close to his own father? Could you ask them in a neutral way to talk to him about the children?

I hope more expert people come along soon.

must say i agree

I find it impossible to reconcile someone who was previously a great dad and someone who now wants nothing to do with their children.

tbh, as he has cut all ties, it makes screwing him over, getting angry and gettng whats right for your kids easier as you don't have to see him.

I would change my number, seperate the finanances, i would change all my passwords

i would change dh's too if i knew them - just for spite

i would change my e-mail addresses, my name at work, my childrens surnames

oh lordy - my wrath would have no limits,

I don't have any constructive advice for you OP but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your children are in this situation. I think you are right to say that telling him he is dead is a bad idea. As harsh as it is, I think honesty is the best option as they will figure it out eventually.

Also, have some and . Am sure you need both right now.

That is a horribly cruel way for him to behave. I am so sorry for you and your dear children.
I don't have advice, except agree you shouldn't tell them he is dead as this could backfire on you of he later came to his senses.
Have you no-one on your side of the family you could talk to in rl. This seems such a big burden for you to tackle alone. MN is great but none of us can physically give you support although I'm sure lots of people would like to give you a cyber hug.

I am just speechless and so, so sorry for you and your DC. How could a man do this?

I would agree with dizzy that there may be a breakdown, he has clearly lost his senses.

The only thing i can suggest is that you try your hardest not to slate him in front of them (hard as that will be) and hope that one day he will see what he has done. At least then you can remain blameless.

I am so sorry for you all an wish you strength.

That is truly awful . For you and esp. your children.

I suggest you spend as little of your mental energy as you can on trying to understand how he could do this, as you're going to need it all to keep yourself and the kids going.

Tell the kids a simplified form of the truth. Daddy doesn't want to live here right now. You don't know why. You don't know when they'll see him again but you hope it will be soon. Acknowledge their upset, fear and anger. Reassure them about your love. Arrange counseling for them and you because you'll all need help coming to terms with this - it's like a bereavement (only worse).

Just don't lie to them (other than by omission). You are their rock in all of this and they need to know you, at least, will be honest and trustworthy.

I'm so sorry Erica203, sounds heartbreaking. Please lean on Mumsnet! Try to be honest with your kids without venting to them. They can handle a lot if you're straight with them and let them express themselves freely about it. You might want some counselling for you too? How are you bearing up? Sorry you're going through this.

What a horrible let down for you and your kids. He should be ashamed of himself.

Wow. What a horrible human being. I'm going through split now too and am amazed that some fathers can just decide to up and leave when they fancy. Sending you hugs and a shoulder to lean on.

(((((OP))))) I am flabagasted TBH. What an absolute wanker to go along with this cow of a woman. Can't wait until it blows up in his face - and it will!
I think if it were me, though it may be wrong - for them, I would tell my children the truth. He certainly doesn't deserve to be protected. The total and utter tosser.

What about some counselling for your DC.

I would be truthful and age appropriate with them, in conjunction with a therapist. It is not for you to minimise and lie on your H behalf.

I would also have this stated in the divorce papers. Don't give him the opportunity to turn around later and blame you for any lack of contact.

This is down to him. The xgf might have shiny tinsel tits and an oscillating multi speed fanjo, but at the end of the day he has agreed to her demands - he didn't have to.

Each to their own - they both sound peachy.

I'm amazed he can go off and have Dcs with someone else and want nothing to do with his existing Dcs. So when he gets fed up of the second family does he do the same to them? It's quite bizarre behaviour and I'd be worried about his mental health

So sorry to hear this from OP and hope so much things will work out in time, for the better. Varya XXX and hugs

Hi. Is there are a way you can have what he told you about the children in writing? Maybe you will need this to cover your back later on or to show your children when they are older in case their father decides to contact them or the children decide to try and mend the relationship.

He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday

Yes - some fucking happy birthday with this unbelievably shitty human being doing his best to destroy your children's security. Yay him. What the actual FUCK was he thinking of, to be texted you like this?

I wonder if the gf doesn't know he is married with kids? Do you have any prior knowledge of this person? Surely if this condition about never seeing the children is real, it includes not wishing his wife happy birthday.

I agree with Barbarian about how to phrase it to them. Is there any risk of them seeing him whilst you're out?

I don't think your solicitor can have meant you not to confide in anyone. This doesn't sound like a particularly complicated divorce on the face of it, anyway.

Why are his family not giving him absolute hell about this?

What he has done is obscene and I do feel for you. Whether he is having a midlife crisis or is just a total bastard, you need to protect yourself and your DCs.

Please make plans to see a solicitor, the CAB will give you a list in your area. You need to get your finances in order and get sound advice about contact.

It will difficult to get any truth from him at the moment so don't assume anything. Leaving his DC before Christmas is unforgivable. This is someone who has no morals, don't trust him.

I think that counselling for the children is a good idea. What's happening might be something that you could work with the counsellor to explain to them, and then they can have a chance to talk without you there. Also, if you're doing counselling, I'd suggest that you let them have one-to-one sessions as well as in a group. I remember having a session with a counsellor with my sister while my parents did mediation when they split up. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to talk in front of my sister. I might have got something out of it'd I'd been alone. (But, equally, some children might prefer to talk with sibling support, and I'm not sure it would be that easy to tell beforehand).

I am not impressed with your H at all. The new/old girlfriend sounds like a piece of work too, tbh. Why would anyone tell a man to walk away from his children (and then want to have more children with him)? It's not exactly a great precedent.

He's a horrible person. :(

I'd ensure he really never sees them again, as per his wishes. He may regret it in a few years, but then it would be up for the children to decide.

Meanwhile, make sure he contributes financially. It's not for you, but for them. Put it in a savings account for them if you don't want the money, but they do certainly deserve it.

I think you should absolutely tell them the truth. Or tell your ex that you will be telling them the truth. And if he doesn't like it or think you should then fine - you won't. Either he can. Or he can change his appalling behaviour, and stay in contact with them.

If he's not man enough to tell them then he should realise that what he is doing is a dreadful devastating thing and he shouldn't be so cruel.

Also agree that you shouldn't tell your DCs that he's dead. You will never sleep easy in case they find out the truth (and inevitably they will - and possibly blame you for lying).

I'm so sorry. You're well rid of him if that's how he is.

In twenty years he'll be a lonely old man. That's what he's choosing.

What a hideous situation. I wouldn't rush the kids to counselling. They are very young. See how it goes. The best thing for them I imagine, is plenty of opportunity to talk to the supportive adults jn their life, i.e. you, DGPs and also, to not have to talk about it too much if they don't want to. And plenty of opportunity for play, so that they can process things the way that kids do.

How horrible and cruel. How was his relationship with the children?

I was in a very similar situation to this a few years back. My now ex dh basically upped and left in the space of 2 weeks, cutting all contact with dd aged 7 whom he'd raised as his own since she was 6 months old. He went from putting a special bed tent up in her room he'd brought her home from work with glee to surprise her to wanting nothing to do with either of us in 2 weeks.

Basically he had been in contact with a girlfriend he'd been with before me on Facebook and effectively decided to dump us for her. He actually said living with us was "nice but just like living with a nice family" and he "missed being in love"!!

So he moved out and understandably dd was devastated. She cried herself to sleep a lot and kept asking when he was coming back and I found it hard knowing what to say. I didn't think he would be in touch and he never was. I spoke to him on the phone a couple of times but he never asked to speak to dd. And this was her dad in every sense of the word.

We just muddle through really. For a while she had a photo of him she used to take to bed and say goodnight to (heartbreaking) and gradually as things went on she didn't look at it so much. I also think focusing on positive things like we booked a holiday for just me and her and also we had to downsize house (bastard left me in 26k of debt) but I tried to make it as much of an adventure as I could.

I also reassured her I wasn't going anywhere. Ever. And told her every day for almost a year until she seemed more settled.

And you know what things are ok now. We still talk about him very occasionally. She doesn't seem damaged but she is only 11 now so who knows what will come out as she gets older. I've tried my best to always make her feel loved and secure.

I am now remarried and dd has adapted really well and loves her new step dad and she also has a little brother now, 18 months.

Things will be ok xx

Get legal advice ASAP; also email this man and ask him to confirm that he will pay what he is obliged to but doesn't want any further contact. Then print out the email and keep it safe. It's a good idea, as someone said upthread, to have written proof of how he has behaved in case he decides to come whining back into DCs lives later. I also agree with telling them that he has chosen to leave, you don't know why but that none of it is their fault and that you love them.
And in any dealings you have to have with him, treat him with calm, civil but icy contempt. You are better than him: that's the message you want to convey.