My husband has left me and doesn't want to see the children anymore

[Erika203]

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years, I am 31 and he is 38. We have one son who is nearly eight and a daughter who is six.In November he told me he reconnected with an ex girlfriend, and that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her.

I am not sure what to do because he said he can only contribute financially to our children, that his new girlfriends "rules" for them being together is that that he leaves me and the children and start a family with her. He is going to do that and told me so like we were discussing the weather. He told me I may as well tell our children that he is dead because apart from anything that he is ordered to pay he doesn't want anything to do with the children.

I have been numb and I am still in shock. Christmas was awful as the children wanted to know where their father was and why he wasn't there at Christmas like he always is they have not seen him since the end of November. I tried to call on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see if he would at least talk to them on the phone but he wouldn't.

His family is taking my side, which is comforting, but I dont know what to tell my children. As much as I would love to tell them that he's dead, he's not and feel like bearing false witness like that will hurt them more in the long run . My son has understandably been acting up but this morning he came and apologized to me for his behaviour and gave me a hug which just made me want to cry! and my daughter is not her cheerful self. I am trying to be strong for them but I'm devastated.

I can support the children alone financially if he decides not to pay anything towards them so I am not worried about that but I just feel so lost,shocked and really embarrassed.. I had a meeting with a divorce lawyer earlier this month who has told me not to tell my friends and relatives anything about it because of the divorce proceedings (some of our friends are mutual) so I feel completely alone.

I feel like if he wants to leave me to be with her then that it one thing but how can he turn his back on his children who he has seen everyday since they were born ? It was actually him who wanted to start a family. That is what I cant figure out how to explain to my children. I really love him but I hate him for what he has done to me and the children. I have been looking into getting some form of counselling for the children but I don't know what to tell them.He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday , i texted him about arranging to come and see the children or even a phone call but he text back saying we had discussed it.

I think you can get children books on divirce on internet but this is for when DF wants contact. See if you can find books on your situation...so sorry (((Erika))). Your dc will be your rocks of strength through this! It will make your bonds stronger and love deeper than you can ever imagine but yes they are hurt too...can you ask school to privide support. Some Local authorities provide a counsellor who will come into the school to work with the dc. This is for DV, death etc and yes it i s a deatth in a way as sudden loss and not seeing DF again! Hope you all get the RL support you need and so glad his family are supporting you and dc too.

That's horrendous!
I agree that you should get his position in writing. In fact, I would get a solicitor to write to him and get him to sign confirmation that he has said he doesn't want to see them.
Then you have it if he blames you, either in short term for access or in the long term with them. What an arsehole he is.

Is he local still? I'm speechless.

With regards to counselling, I'm not sure about the ages but I knew a 4yo who had a nasty hospital stay who then had play therapy. Not talking directly about feelings just an opportunity for him to play out what he was feeling. I'm sure your GP could advise.

I was 12 and the counsellor we saw did it through games (involving cards, as far as I can remember). I don't necessarily think they need 'counselling' in the traditional sense. More that working with someone to explain what's happened (given that this is a 'how on earth do I explain...' situation) and to give the a chance to ask questions and just talk might be really useful.

This will probably be tough, but it's important to tell their school what's happened when term starts in the new year, including that their father has decided that he doesn't want to see them. Don't be embarrassed about this (you've nothing to be embarrassed about, unlike your H). It's just important because it will almost certainly affect their behaviour at school in some way and it'll help the staff to support them effectively.

God this is horrific.

I would ask the solicitor what the reason is that you should tell no-one? What legal reason can there be for that?

Also agree you need to tell your DC's the truth in the most age appropriate way and get it in writing from him that he is abandoning his children.

Parents who do this to their children should go to prison for it. It's dreadful abuse. But luckily they have you OP, they'll be OK long term if they know you love them and they can rely on you.

Agree with all who have said get documentation of what he has said, his decision. Perhaps expecting him to formalise this will get him to realise what he's doing.

So sorry you are all going through this.

What a bastard. So sorry for you and your DC. What a bitch that woman is. Some men just seem to be able to walk away and switch off. How can they be so cold and cruel. How can OW mean more to them than their children. XH did it after ten years after becoming infatuated with OW. My XH does see DD once a fortnight but no more than that. OW comes first most of the time.

Your DC will be feeling lost and insecure and you need to keep reassuring them that you are not going anywhere.

I have accessed help for DD through her school through the Family Support Network in this area. You could talk to their teacher to see what is available for them.

It's great that his family are supporting you and I hope that continues. Do talk to a friend, I don't know why your solicitor would say not talk to anyone.

And take the maximum money you can get from him for now. If he has a child with OW then your money will then be reduced so take it now.

All I can say is that I am so sorry. What a spineless twat of a non-man.

I was lucky ex sent solicitor letter to say he did not wish to have contact with ds again. This was my winning lotto ticket. I have several copies scanned on several emails to ensure I never lose it just incase. Solicitor this would be excellent evidence to ensure no contact. So yes defo get it in writing with solicitor headed paper if you can!

I know this sounds daft but would an addition to the family help you all like a puppy? Dogs are very faithful indeed!

The same thing happened to me. Well sort of. H left me for somebody he had literally just met, at work, in a new job that I had encouraged him to go for. DD was 3.5 and DS was 2.5. DD was devoted to him. Although I did work I didn't earn enough to keep the family home so we had to downsize. The children struggled for a while but did eventually adapt. H saw them only once and then never again, it was heartbreaking for the children, especially DD. She is now 8. I have since remarried and she calls my DH 'daddy' as does my DS and that is what he is. Ex pays for the children via CSA but that is all. They are bright and well grounded children, doing well at school and popular. We had many many dark days but, I promise you, it can and WILL get better. Wishing you all the luck in the world OP. I have been there. I don't know what is wrong with these men. Thankfully, our children have us and we need to stay strong.

I am so sorry for you, this is the most awful and hurtful thing I have heard in ages.
I once worked with a man who described himself as divorced from his wife and his kids; his life appeared to have periods of stability followed by what seemed to be breakdowns where he completely changed everything about himself and his life. To make such an abrupt change and to submit to the will of this woman who thinks it is the right thing to remove him from his children like this sounds like there is something else happening to him as well.

Speak to your GP about support for you and your children - you will all need help getting through this, I would also suggest speaking to CAB who can find you a different lawyer, I don't feel comfortable about the one you have advising you to not speak to anyone. You need a confidant, perhaps a sibling or your closest friend who can physically hold your hand and listen?
As you've already been advised keep all correspondence, change passwords, separate finances, cancel any joint cards (I learnt from bitter experience)
Come back to Mumsnet, this is a good place to vent anonymously, we will do what we can to help

He obviously doesn't deserve to have children!

Have you ever heard of PCAMHS?, when my parents split up when my sister was 6 my mum got her counselling with them as she had fears that if she let my mum out of sight that she would leave too. It helped her a lot.

You and your children deserve so much better

Shocking that a parent can do that.

What an utter bastard. Its one thing being awful to an adult, but doing that to your children is just unbelievable.

at a loss of what to say. just shocking that someone can treat their own children in that way. I hope you have some RL support and can confide in someone who isn't a mutual friend. so very sorry.

This is one of the saddest things I've read. I really feel for you OP. What kind of human beings (H and his new bit of fluff) could do this to children?
I hope you are able to move on from this and lead really happy and successful lives.

This is one of the saddest things I've read. I really feel for you OP. What kind of human beings (H and his new bit of fluff) could do this to children?

And why would any women want to steal a man away from his family with a promise of no contact to bring more children into the world?

Fuckers.

I wish I had something positive to say to you but sadly I don't. I'm glad you found MN as you will always find support here x

My friends wonderful husband (and father to their kids) died suddenly a few months ago. Is it any different in some ways?: my friend now has to be mother and father to their devastated children; she has to reassure them that he loved them and wouldn't have chosen to leave them if he had been well (he committed suicide). Your children will know and accept what you tell them: he loved them (assuming he was a loving dad while there) but he is suffering from an illness (surely he is if he can walk away from kids in whose lives he was actively and lovingly involved????) and that he is trusting you to take care of them. Personally I would want to castrate him!! I cannot understand how he could be so callous but vent your anger away from their hearing - you are their guide and support now - as hard as that is.

Omg I am in tears reading this! So so so awful. What an utter wanker. How can he just turn his back on his children, and how can 'she' ask him to? The fact that he's agreed to it surely tells her what a bastard he is, so why would she want to be with him?!!

So sorry op. I'm nearly 5 months on from my exh leaving for the ow after nearly 12 years together. It's hard enough for me... It'd kill me if my exh had turned his back on his kids.

Sorry, no real advice. Just want to give you and your kids a massive hug x

Milly I think it is quite different to a death, although the grieving process is similar at least with a death you have your good memories, with abandonment such as this you question all your memories and all of your previous life with that person. As such your good memories can seem tainted.

I speak with bitter experience unfortunately, however my ex is still pretending to care about his DC he has not been quite so callous as to completely abandon them as yet, he is still trying to maintain his image as a good guy.

OP this is really awful, sometimes reading these threads I despair of men altogether. How cruel people can be to those they are supposed to love and protect. Not much in the way of wisdom to offer except to say that your DC are lucky to have one parent who puts their needs first. This is what I tell myself when feeling sorry for my DC for having a twat for a father.

And btw I am a little tired of having the behaviour of men who have walked out on their children and families described as an illness on these threads. I am pretty sure my ex is having a full blown midlife crisis but that still does not excuse his selfish behaviour.

I wouldn't trust a single word that came out of this man's mouth. I think it's far more likely that he was too spineless to tell the ex-gf that he was married and had children, and he's using her as a convenient excuse to pretend that his first family doesn't exist.

Can you get him to sign away parental responsibility too.? That way he can't change his mind and mess you all around later. I have no idea if that's possible but I really feel for you and your children.

What a terrible situation OP. Your H is behaving like a complete cunt.

If I were your H's father, he would be dead to me, and disinherited in favour of you & your children.

Not sure why you have been advised not to tell anyone - but I would be telling the truth to people.

I think there is more to this story, and agree with other posters who think perhaps OW has not been told about the children. I would, to be honest, seek her out and have a chat with her, to make sure she is aware of the actual situation. Suspect your H has been lying through his arse to her!

I'm speechless at the thought of someone who could do this to two little children he's seen every day from birth :( OP please seek out some good counselling and maybe look for another lawyer. My thoughts are with you and your lovely children xxx