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Original poster

My husband has left me and doesn't want to see the children anymore

152 replies

Erika203 · 29/12/2013 20:43

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years, I am 31 and he is 38. We have one son who is nearly eight and a daughter who is six.In November he told me he reconnected with an ex girlfriend, and that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her.

I am not sure what to do because he said he can only contribute financially to our children, that his new girlfriends "rules" for them being together is that that he leaves me and the children and start a family with her. He is going to do that and told me so like we were discussing the weather. He told me I may as well tell our children that he is dead because apart from anything that he is ordered to pay he doesn't want anything to do with the children.

I have been numb and I am still in shock. Christmas was awful as the children wanted to know where their father was and why he wasn't there at Christmas like he always is they have not seen him since the end of November. I tried to call on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see if he would at least talk to them on the phone but he wouldn't.

His family is taking my side, which is comforting, but I dont know what to tell my children. As much as I would love to tell them that he's dead, he's not and feel like bearing false witness like that will hurt them more in the long run . My son has understandably been acting up but this morning he came and apologized to me for his behaviour and gave me a hug which just made me want to cry! and my daughter is not her cheerful self. I am trying to be strong for them but I'm devastated.

I can support the children alone financially if he decides not to pay anything towards them so I am not worried about that but I just feel so lost,shocked and really embarrassed.. I had a meeting with a divorce lawyer earlier this month who has told me not to tell my friends and relatives anything about it because of the divorce proceedings (some of our friends are mutual) so I feel completely alone.

I feel like if he wants to leave me to be with her then that it one thing but how can he turn his back on his children who he has seen everyday since they were born ? It was actually him who wanted to start a family. That is what I cant figure out how to explain to my children. I really love him but I hate him for what he has done to me and the children. I have been looking into getting some form of counselling for the children but I don't know what to tell them.He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday , i texted him about arranging to come and see the children or even a phone call but he text back saying we had discussed it.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/12/2013 08:33

Agree with Polly. No death and no Australia.

financialwizard · 30/12/2013 08:34

What an awful thing for him to do.

I think Polly is right, telling the children an age appropriate version of the truth is the only way to go. Poor mites they must be wondering what on earth is going on.

themidwife · 30/12/2013 08:37

So sorry to read this - I agree don't lie but also don't say that he never wants to see them again. Just say he doesn't love mummy anymore but will always love them, even if he can't see them right now. You never know, he might change his mind so protect their little hearts if you can. Hope you're ok - what an awful shock Thanks

Fairylea · 30/12/2013 09:10

Just wanted to add it's also not a good idea to say he's dead if he lives in the same country (apart from the million other reasons) as in my situation dd made a trip to London (250 miles away) and amazingly enough happened to see her dad pottering down the high street!! It was definitely him as my mum was with her and verified it was him. Mum hurried dd along to look at something (I mean what do you do!) And as expected he just ignored them both.

Could have been really very difficult and awkward if I had said he was dead and I expect dd would have been confused and angry with me.

Original poster
Erika203 · 30/12/2013 09:33

He has emailed me saying that as long as it isnt an "outrageous" amount I can have whatever I want in exchange for a quick divorce after which there is no need for further contact. He also said he knows he cant force me but it might be a good idea to change the kids' last names to my maiden name. I was so sickened and disgusted by it. I am not changing their names! I have printed the email but didn't reply.

My MIL rang me late last night apparently he and his gf visited over christmas and she told them to leave he told her the same as he told me; he has always loved and wanted a family with her but has been in denial about his feelings. I am so disgusted with him i cant even put it into words. I have met his girlfriend briefly according to my MIL she had a relationship with him in the first year of uni and definately knows about me and the children.

To those who posted they have gone through a similar thing I am so sorry, I can't even put it into words...

OP posts:
CCTVmum · 30/12/2013 09:38

Eirka I dont know if this helps because you must be knocked sideways by both their actions to do this to your 2 young children.

My ex left me when I was 5 months pregnant for OW. It was not until ds was over a year old it was ex 3 rd visit to see ds. He dropped his phone in my cloakroom floor. I got the Ow mobile from it and contacted her.

She was spun a huge amount lies that I had affair and baby wasnt his and we split up when I was not pregnant. So .i sent her photos of Xmas with me in his family's home celebrating xmas at 4 months pregant. She was shocked! But she decided to stay with him and have a dd.

She contacted me 3 years later to apologise and realised now in hindsight I was trying to warn her what a liar he was. It was however too late for her as her dd was 11 months old and they seperated and were going through a nasty divorce.

I went out with 2 men who possibly used the 'she wont let me see the dc' as an excuse to not have contact with their dc and blame the ex!

I have a gut feeling this is your 'D' H doing as no man of any true worth would stop seeing their dc for the OW! It just just doesnt add up!

MadIsTheNewNormal · 30/12/2013 09:48

Tell him it is not up to him to decide what's outrageous and what isn't in terms of a financial settlement, and tell him there will be no quick divorce under any circumstances. How dare he think he can start negotiating with you to get what he wants after he's behaved like this.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:05

Ignore what he's saying and get legal advice. Ask for as much as you are entitled as well as the children. I'd go CSA.

Are you supposed to initiate the divorce? He should initiate it and bear all the costs.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:06

Personally I'd want a quick divorce too, but making sure I got all I had the right to.

CCTVmum · 30/12/2013 10:14

Can you access his FB and copy anything that will help you with the divorce?

I would not answer phone to him and ensure he communicates in B&W to ensure you have evidence. Even if you have email off him saying thats right I do not want to see the kids again.

He screwed you over now it is your turn to screw him over finacially so you can start a new life with your children. He will never deserve to even breath the same air as your dc. It would be my duty to ensure he never see the children again as what he said is unforgivable. Get his wishes in writing! Time to get even hun! God it makes me sick what happened so sorry!

PosyNarker · 30/12/2013 10:19

What a horrible, weak little man.

I'm not sure I'd buy the whole 'new rules' thing. If the new GF did mandate that then she's a fucking idiot (if he does it with you etc.), but seems more likely he wants to erase the last 10 years of his life and start afresh as though he's a young, single man.

You're better off without the man child, but your kids might as well have the financial support given he won't be giving them anything else.

I'd tell them an age-appropriate version of the truth. If their GP, aunts & uncles on that side of the family are going to try to maintain relationships then they will find out at some point anyway. If he's staying reasonably locally, they will almost certainly find out.

eurochick · 30/12/2013 10:20

El you are projecting your own situation onto one that is nothing like it here.

OP, I think you have either misunderstood the solicitor that you saw or you need to see someone else. Unless there are things that you are not telling us, I cannot make sense of her advice not to talk to friends and family about what is going on. You need support at this time. It would be inadvisable to share too much with mutual friends who are still in touch with him, but that's just common sense.

ProphetOfDoom · 30/12/2013 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom · 30/12/2013 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitsmummy · 30/12/2013 10:40

I too would go along with the quick divorce to get all i could out of him. People are often v generous at the beginning but soon lose that generous spirit when reality kicks in.

The OW has dictated that he cannot see the children, don't wait for her to dictate that he can't leave you with most of the money

sockssandalsandafork · 30/12/2013 11:05

In a way perhaps its a good thing he has decided he wants nothing to do with the children, imagine if you had to pack them off each weekend to him and ow - who were 'putting up with them' out of duty, that would be more damaging.

They sound a pair of utter cunts, I can't imagine any woman saying to her new boyfriend 'you are not to ever see your children again' or any man accepting it!

I would never, ever suggest being a contestant on Jeremy Kyle but I would love to see him 'interrogate' the vile pair!

HRMumness · 30/12/2013 12:00

I would go for "outrageous", at least for your children's sake. Unless there is any benefit for you having the quickie divorce. Sounds like he wants that so he can marry the OW quickly perhaps?

Good on your MIL for making a stand with him. If I ever had a son behave so appallingly to his wife and children I would be showing him the door too.

roobywooby · 30/12/2013 12:04

Oh my, I feel so sorry for you. He's an absolute arsehole. It sounds like it might be easier if he had died.

I'd recommend not lying to your children, however spare them the hurt of the absolute truth. As has been suggested, something along the lines of Daddy has decided he doesn't want to live with mummy anymore. For the moment you wont be seeing Daddy. He may come to his senses and change his mind. I would suspect that the OW isn't part of this plan, and I'd be interested to see if you can find out if she knows. Might put a new spin on his amazing new relationship.

Take everything you possibly can financially. The bastard doesn't deserve any mercy at all.

Vivacia · 30/12/2013 12:12

Christ.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 30/12/2013 12:15

What a horrible pair of festering cunts they are :( They deserve each other and I wish them unhappiness in the future

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 30/12/2013 12:18

Oh and i would be inclined to take him for every penny you can, why the hell should he just be able to just swan off and play happy families with this bitch of a woman - whether he wants to see his children or not, sadly, you can do nothing about but he sure as hell needs to support them financially and i would go for the maximum amount - let him see how much they lke being a new family when he has two to support

Only1scoop · 30/12/2013 12:21

Op I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. What an truly spineless 'man' he is and the ow making demands of no contact when she hopes to become a mother and have a family....it beggars belief. Its Actually quite frightening.

I know the email re a quickie divorce is awful.... but in my limited experience I have found that these idiots tend to go along with a far more generous settlement in the early days. Find a good solicitor who will go for a completely 'outrageous' settlement....

I feel for your mil....how awful she must feel also, but she obviously has great morals to ask him and his heartless witch of a gf to leave her house.

Thinking of you and dc x

BalloonSlayer · 30/12/2013 12:31

I'd go for a massive amount, then when he complains say "how can you say this is outrageous? You didn't think your not wanting to see your own children ever again and suggesting I tell them you are dead was outrageous. Why would you ever think £Fuckofalot is outrageous?"

tribpot · 30/12/2013 12:41

As he appears to want to pretend he's died, you should take the whole fucking lot off him. As you would if he actually did die.

I can't believe he suggested you change their name. What a piece of shit.

Get yourself a killer solicitor and then go for whichever approach seems likely to maximise your settlement. This fucker needs taking down. If you want to post your approximate location I'm sure MN will be able to help with some recommendations.

After New Year you're going to have to tell some people, because word will get round at school via the kids. Get your story out first.

saintlyjimjams · 30/12/2013 12:42

Yes screw him for every penny. I don't think you should lie to the children, although obviously soften the reality. And don't change their names right now. If they want to in the future that should be their choice. Not his. Spineless idiot. Well done to your MIL

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