My husband has left me and doesn't want to see the children anymore

[Erika203]

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years, I am 31 and he is 38. We have one son who is nearly eight and a daughter who is six.In November he told me he reconnected with an ex girlfriend, and that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her.

I am not sure what to do because he said he can only contribute financially to our children, that his new girlfriends "rules" for them being together is that that he leaves me and the children and start a family with her. He is going to do that and told me so like we were discussing the weather. He told me I may as well tell our children that he is dead because apart from anything that he is ordered to pay he doesn't want anything to do with the children.

I have been numb and I am still in shock. Christmas was awful as the children wanted to know where their father was and why he wasn't there at Christmas like he always is they have not seen him since the end of November. I tried to call on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see if he would at least talk to them on the phone but he wouldn't.

His family is taking my side, which is comforting, but I dont know what to tell my children. As much as I would love to tell them that he's dead, he's not and feel like bearing false witness like that will hurt them more in the long run . My son has understandably been acting up but this morning he came and apologized to me for his behaviour and gave me a hug which just made me want to cry! and my daughter is not her cheerful self. I am trying to be strong for them but I'm devastated.

I can support the children alone financially if he decides not to pay anything towards them so I am not worried about that but I just feel so lost,shocked and really embarrassed.. I had a meeting with a divorce lawyer earlier this month who has told me not to tell my friends and relatives anything about it because of the divorce proceedings (some of our friends are mutual) so I feel completely alone.

I feel like if he wants to leave me to be with her then that it one thing but how can he turn his back on his children who he has seen everyday since they were born ? It was actually him who wanted to start a family. That is what I cant figure out how to explain to my children. I really love him but I hate him for what he has done to me and the children. I have been looking into getting some form of counselling for the children but I don't know what to tell them.He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday , i texted him about arranging to come and see the children or even a phone call but he text back saying we had discussed it.

OP I am so sorry, he is an absolute twunt.
Do not lie to your children, they need a supportive,consistent and honest parent now. If you told them that he died or went to australia they would probably find out and then have to deal with the double betrayal of having been lied to and being abandoned. Maybe you could talk to a councellor on how to deal with this.
I would from now only communicate by email so that you have proof of what he is saying.
I do not agree with what your solicitor has recommended, you need RL support. As his family know and are supportive could they help? Do you have friends that are "yours" that you could talk to?

you need to do the divorce on your terms. can you get a recommendation from anyone? solicitor I visited recommended by two people separate of each other and only been once so far but she was great. you really need to get more legal advice. good for printing e mail and not replying . I think advice to not talk is just re specifics of your case re divorce itself. you should be able to petition for unreasonable behaviour or adultery.
can't believe his behaviour. just shocking. so sad for you and your dcs.

What a nasty shit he is.

Be honest with your children.

Get a new solicitor.

Look after yourself.

You are well rid of this vile excuse for a human being.

Just please do not lie to your children. Their dads idea that you should tell them he's dead is just crazy.

If you're honest, They will thank you when they are grown for being the trustworthy constant person in their lives.

Tell them daddy doesn't want to see them. They will cope with that if they know that all around them is good, supportive unconditional love. Maintain a supportive relationship with your mil and family, your children need to know they are loved.

I'm so sorry you're going through this utterly horrible situation but think of it as a trial. Eventually you'll come out the other side and you'll be stronger.

This exact situation happened to my son from my exhusband. My son was 5 at the time, ex married new girlfriend and from that day never came to have contact with his son again! I txt and ask where he was no reply, my solicitor received a letter from ex solicitor stating he no longer wished any contact with son. He didn't have the balls to tell his son this himself and i can say telling him was one of the two very worse moments of my life and no doubt the worse moment of my sons. Initially ex paid maintenance however over 2/3 years it dwindled to £5 a week then to nothing.

My son is now 14, he is a happy, well adjusted child, however the subject of his bio father is a subject I never bring up, I leave it for him to ask me whatever and whenever he wants, it's very rare occurance he mentions him, in fact the last time he had forgotten his bio father Christian name, which surprised me but in a way was comforting as I know this means my son isn't sat thinking about him.

Ex threw away my son for a new wife, they have children and I do sit and wonder if the wife ever thinks if he did it once would he do it again to her and her children.

I obviously despise ex, and feel bad that I could have judged this man so very wrong, I would have bet my life he would never abandon his own son!

He sank to new depths last year when he offered to allow my son to change his surname (son wants name of step dad and sisters, ex wouldn't allow) if I would write off his maintenance arrears and every future penny maintenance. I agreed for the benefit of my son, this man is just scum simple as that.

My son is a great kid, he never deserved such disgusting treatment from the man who is meant to love him as much as I do. Op you and your children will get through this and your love for each other will make you a even stronger team. X

I agree with you Gucci totally. I have been in the same situation - except my daughter was a young teen when ex left.

I totally agree with the others who say tell the truth to your children, but in an age appropriate way. And do everything you can to reassure your children that you love them doubly. Apart from that, get your maintenance sorted out, do not engage with him in any way, tell close friends and family the truth and lean on them for support and look after yourself.

2 years later my ex is single, OW turned out to be every bit of the nightmare I had suspected she would be, ex tells folk he doesn't see his daughter down to me even though I have begged him to be a father he thinks it is my fault he is estranged.

The good news is my daughter is fab, we have a fantastic relationship (most of the time), she is kind, independent and thoughtful, and a fab friend to others who are going through similar. The awful times we have gone through together have only bought us closer. As for her father, she is disgusted with him and says she will never speak to him again.

Utterly short sighted foolish men - they have no idea of what they have thrown away and lost.

I can't give you any helpful advice...its a bloody nightmare to be in and all you can do is to work your way through it in whatever way feels best for you.

I can tell you this though. Your husband is the one to pity. He'll have to live with it forever and it seems he has left you for an utterly VILE woman. The pair of them will have a horrible life because they are both horrible.

sarajane is 100% correct on this one. They are BOTH utterly vile creatures. His parents must be so ashamed of him and as for OW, what sort of person would want to be with someone who can cut off his own children?

The best revenge is always to go on and have a happy life and prove he meant nothing in it.

I am so sorry for you and your children. If only wishing someone evil revenge actually worked.

He's obviously letting the small head lead the big one, at the moment.

All you can do is to gather as much support, from perhaps relatives, at the moment for you and the kids.

Just tell them their dad has had to go away for a while, as he may come to his senses about the kids, when the novelty of this girl has worn off.

It will get better for you all, in time.

Also make sure that your solicitor (and perhaps PIL's) have copies of the emails suggesting you change their name and that he wants nothing more to do with them, you don't want the fucker trying to say that you made it difficult for him or refused him contact when he comes to his senses and realises what a twat he is.

I'm so on your behalf - how can someone just release themselves from all responsibility like that? Just assuming it's ok for you to bring them up but not doing their share? It's not just about money being a parent is it? Unbelievable!!

Exactly the question to ask...what kind of woman would want a man who treated his kids like that?

Euch!!!

The gf is deranged if she thinks that he can just wipe out his family and his past like that. Thank god that his parents are acknowledging exactly how bad his behaviour is and will not play any part in it. Many parents back their children no matter what they do :(

I have told DD that Daddy doesn't love mummy any more but he still loves her and always will, but at least she does have some contact with him.

Your DC need to know that they have done nothing wrong, that is the main thing for them. All you can tell them is that Daddy can't see them for a while and just take it from there.

He may come out of this "madness", he may well not.... There is a long ongoing thread on here about a man who left his W who then discovered she was pregnant. He also got OW pregnant prior to leaving his W. The baby is several months old now and the father still has not seen him nor seems to have any desire to and is living with OW and their child.

Bastard is too good a word for men like that ....

and yes the pair of them are vile. I would never want to know a man who could abandon his children. and any woman who could ask that of a man is just a total bitch

Its very hard to explain to children what mystifies even adults, but I do think if you lie it hurts and confuses them even more. If it were me, Id probably tell them Daddy had left and that you dont know why but that there was nothing to worry about because you will always take care of them. You dont know if he'll show up in a few weeks wanting to see them so I wouldn't tell them they're not going to see him again.

One of the hardest things is trying to be a Mum and look after others when a selfish arsehole has left you a pile of mess. Worst of all you're trying to deal with all this with your emotions all over the place. I really feel for you.

Xxxx

I've namechanged.
Unfortunately I have experienced this, ex abandoned me and our children and moved to the other side of the world. He has not seen the children since.

It would have been better had he died, my children would be able to believe that they had a father that loved them and we could talk about happy memories etc.

When this happened I wanted to die but I had to keep going for my children. I thought my life was over but it wasn't.

You WILL get through this, it takes time, you will grieve (it is a type of death) but you WILL eventually come out the other side.

You need to look after yourself, take him to the cleaners, get any ready money out of the bank and remember to change your will.

What a foul excuse for a father. I am so sorry for you and your DC. Also, if he is actually capable of doing this (I don't think there can be many who are) then the ow has taken on quite a special risk hasn't she!

I agree with other posters, make sure the DC stay in contact with their GP but take the bastard for everything you can (to protect the DC). He needs to meet some of his responsibilities the callous fuckwit!

Who does that?

Oh op, I am so sorry.

What an ass?? I would be telling the kids the truth age appropriate. I would give him his quick divorce to get him out of my life as quick as possible but it would want it stated that he's given up his parental rights. What if in a few years he changes his mind then comes back and wants to see kids again? No way I would let him mess up the kids again. Best of luck.

I cannot believe what I am reading!!! I am so sorry, this man's behaviour is worse that a wild animal! Even those look after their offspring and don't abandone them.

What is the world coming to.

I would ask through the solicitor, that your ex sends a letter to the children (yes a written letter) giving his reasons for no more contact, and that this letter will be given to the children when they reach adulthood.

BASTARD!!! That woman he is going out with must the as bad as him.

What a disgusting excuse if a man. Hand on my heart I think he should have pr removed when you divorce and he should be forcibly sterilised. People like this don't deserve the chance to be parents again.

I think you need to ask for mediation as part of the divorce, and have an agreement that sets out his choice and his deal with his new partner. As others have mentioned, if you don't he could turn around in a year and claim you've denied contact and you wouldn't have any control over how to reintroduce him into their lives.

The lawyer's advice is really weird. If he's happy for you to divorce him for adultery and he's living with her then wtf is with telling you not to seek support from friends and family? It's not appropriate to discuss child contact or residence litigation with anyone outside immediate relatives, but your ex doesn't want contact at all so that's hardly an issue, and why shouldn't you tell people what this arse has done if it gets you backup? If you live in the UK I would seek advice from a new lawyer because this one is giving really odd counsel.

I think you need to tell the children Daddy is behaving like someone who isn't very well mentally and he doesn't want to see any of you for now. Be as honest as you can manage. Lying to them will just set up false hopes and expectations, which actually increases the pain. I'd also be wary of counselling at this age as it can sort of start the kids thinking about things they would otherwise take for granted. If their home life stays as stable and consistent as possible and you are as solid for them as you can manage, that will help more than anything else. I also think you might want to talk to arsewipe ex's family about their willingness to commit to say one day a fortnight of contact, so that the kids have the sense of identity a good relationship with paternal grandparents can give, as their father is such a waste of space. Obviously they may not always be amazing as blood is thicker than water, but they may also be keen not to lose contact with your kids due to his appalling callousness and focusing on that relationship and not your own (human, inevitable, dear God I would want to slit his throat) rage and hurt with their son should help the kids maintain those links.

I know it's no consolation, but a woman capable of this is not going to be a nice one to have a relationship with. My first stepmother pulled this stunt, sadly changed her mind over the years but always used it as a trump card to get her own way as any contact at all was "generous" (and he used it as an excuse for being a shit father, which he accomplished all on his lonesome). I wish my mother had shielded me less, to be honest. The shock when I finally realised my father didn't love us, and actually couldn't love anyone, was very great. Kind lies honestly just delay the pain and meanwhile the kids will build up an idealised relationship in their heads. It compounds the hurt. A father capable of this has no real capacity for loving anyone at all.

I just wanted to wish you and your children all the very best for the year ahead. I hope you start to be able to move forward in whatever way you can.

As for him... men like that should be sterilised. I mean that with all of my heart.

I have seen first hand how children flourish in these situations - when surrounded by love and security, they become very strong and amazing people indeed.

My dad did this to me and my siblings when we were young kids ( all under 10) .

When we were teenagers he reappeared , and we had sporadic contact .
Now we don't speak at all .

He's reverted to type ....found a new woman and dumped us all again. ( about 15 years since I've spoken to him ) .

However it took a long long time for " family" on his side to speak to us as well . He did a number on them , and the silly fools believed his lies , for a bit . Now they just think he's a massive twat , and guess who is the one no one speaks too now ..... The idiot who threw away his family is alone and feeling sorry for himself .

OP your kids will get the last laugh .

What a horrible pair of festering cunts they are They deserve each other and I wish them unhappiness in the future

I just thought that post was so spot on it was worth repeating.

The 'Happy Birthday' text is a real kick in the gusset! Unless it was sarcastically meant (which I doubt but I don't know the (D)H) it sounds like he's hedging his bets a bit to be honest. This mans attitude stinks like a rotting fox!