My husband has left me and doesn't want to see the children anymore

[Erika203]

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years, I am 31 and he is 38. We have one son who is nearly eight and a daughter who is six.In November he told me he reconnected with an ex girlfriend, and that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her.

I am not sure what to do because he said he can only contribute financially to our children, that his new girlfriends "rules" for them being together is that that he leaves me and the children and start a family with her. He is going to do that and told me so like we were discussing the weather. He told me I may as well tell our children that he is dead because apart from anything that he is ordered to pay he doesn't want anything to do with the children.

I have been numb and I am still in shock. Christmas was awful as the children wanted to know where their father was and why he wasn't there at Christmas like he always is they have not seen him since the end of November. I tried to call on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see if he would at least talk to them on the phone but he wouldn't.

His family is taking my side, which is comforting, but I dont know what to tell my children. As much as I would love to tell them that he's dead, he's not and feel like bearing false witness like that will hurt them more in the long run . My son has understandably been acting up but this morning he came and apologized to me for his behaviour and gave me a hug which just made me want to cry! and my daughter is not her cheerful self. I am trying to be strong for them but I'm devastated.

I can support the children alone financially if he decides not to pay anything towards them so I am not worried about that but I just feel so lost,shocked and really embarrassed.. I had a meeting with a divorce lawyer earlier this month who has told me not to tell my friends and relatives anything about it because of the divorce proceedings (some of our friends are mutual) so I feel completely alone.

I feel like if he wants to leave me to be with her then that it one thing but how can he turn his back on his children who he has seen everyday since they were born ? It was actually him who wanted to start a family. That is what I cant figure out how to explain to my children. I really love him but I hate him for what he has done to me and the children. I have been looking into getting some form of counselling for the children but I don't know what to tell them.He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday , i texted him about arranging to come and see the children or even a phone call but he text back saying we had discussed it.

"I think you need to ask for mediation as part of the divorce, and have an agreement that sets out his choice and his deal with his new partner."

I think that is very good advice.

You know you can't trust this man to put your children's best interests first.

Should his girlfriend decide in the future that she wants to play Mommy to your kids, and if she has genuinely made this demand then she well might, you want to have your arse covered.

This is truly, truly disgusting behaviour.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any wise advice, I wish I did.

sorry to hear about what you and your children are going through. my partner is the same. just on news years day i told him that things wasn't working out for both of us. he has always said hat if we were to seperate he wouldn't want anything to do with me and the kids. so when he accepted that it was over between us he told my eldest son 9 that daddy won't be ever coming home again and he will not see them from now on. so my son started to ask me questions and i had to tell him the truth and that he was working in another country so their dad couldn't see them anymore. that i had to lie. the reason for my ex cutting connections with his own kids is simply selfishness. he wants to start a new life and doesn't any past bagguages. some men can be that spiteful but i think in your case your ex might have been persuaded by the other w but he will soon realise that he made a big mistake but then will it be too late.

My dh, a mild mannered gentle man, has asked me to say, "What a fucking creep!"

What an absolute monster.
I would want to do all that I could to secure my children's future, in your position. They stand the best possible chance of making it through this as unscathed as possible, if they are able to have some kind of counselling/family therapy at some point to enable them to process such a loss. You may not feel that they need this right now, but it will certainly be of use to them at some point. A child that has had an attachment to somebody just doesn't get over losing them, they need some kind of outlet to express and process the grief and possible sense of guilt that might result from it.
How and what you tell them is of course important, and I would suggest some kind of professional support with this.

You sound as though you are being strong;are you getting good support from your friends and family?

What your lawyer said about not telling people sounds strange to me- please take care not to isolate yourself in sticking to what he said.

Your poor children .

I will not say poor you as you sound together and strong and will get through this.

Keep all communication by email only so you can prove every despicable thing he says.

Tell school, doctors, etc.
Change your will.
Tell the bank to sort out the house. He still has to pay the mortgage of course.

OP,here. Sorry I haven't given an update in a while as you could imagine the last few weeks have been a very busy time. As predicted by some here, their relationship between my soon to be ex husband and girlfriend is not going well according to my MIL. He still hasn't made contact with the children or myself but his mother has said that he has been asking about me and the children and she has shown me texts from him asking if I have a new boyfriend (like I have the time!) . I have told her I don't need to know anything about what he's doing or saying unless it relates to the divorce or the children.

There has also been a lot of change. We moved into a new house a few weeks ago and started a new job in the new year. My children love their new home and haven't asked about their father.My son is doing much better at his new school. I feel better than ever before! and I want to thank everyone on here for all of your support.

Erica, you sound as if you're doing so well, and importantly that your children are fine too. Not me for me to say, because we cannot pick and choose with whom we fall in love, but I hope you don't take him back. I expect in time he will want to see the children, and I suspect he would have eventually made plans to see them. But in the meantime your poor children...
And how could someone tell a man with two small children just to cut them out of his life and start a new family. Did she not think that if he could do this terrible thing to your two innocent little children, he could do it again to hers.
He's a bit of a wet dishrag who is led by his genitals.
I wish you well. Try not to look back, you've come so far. It can never be this bad again for you or your children. I hope she chucks him out on his ear.

Erika what a great update.
Best wishes to you and your lovely children. X

And what kind of an idiot is he, that he thinks you might have had the time or inclination to find/look for/accept a new boyfriend, as if you can suddenly stop loving someone, or start trusting another person. He must think that you are as superficial as he is. He doesn't deserve children or a faithful partner.

Erica, I remember your story, it really struck a cord with me because I couldn't comprehend how someone can decide to simply stop knowing their own little children.
You are such a strong person, well done for the changes you've made. All the best to you and your children.

The callousness of some people never ceases to amaze me!

Well done OP you are doing amazingly! You don't need this arsewipe in your life and may I tentatively suggest your children may be better off without such a useless fuckwit in theirs also.

Best of luck OP

You have done amazingly well Erika.
My bil has just left my sil after nearly 22 years of marriage. As she says she has been the trophy wife, following him all of the world in terms of his career. They live in Australia now, so she is stuck out there for the foreseeable future without family around her although she does have some really good friends. He has a girlfriend and apparently wants to start a new family with her at the ripe old age of 50. Their teenage children are disgusted with him. Currently his parents are on the side of my sil (dh's sister), but as we all know blood is thicker than water and given what I already know about his mother and father, having met them on numerous occasions, they will let him back into their lives at some point in the future.

Appalling though his behaviour has been, angry though you are, the real losers here are two poor little kids. He probably realises he made a seriously bad mistake swapping his kids for a woman that would even set those conditions. So, satisfying though the schadenfreude might be, maybe now is the time to be the bigger person, hold out something approaching an olive branch and tell him that, whatever's gone on, and however big a fool he is, his children are still his children.

Erika - sorry you're going through this.

My ExP did this but DS was much younger and has no recollection of him or him leaving. I was pg when he first left and then DS was 4 months when he went for good.

DS has said it would be better if he knew he'd died then he'd understand. And he's right. There's no justifiable reason why any decent man wouldn't help raise their DCs.

Shame on him.

Well done you for holding all of you together.

Unfortunately OP, I don't think he will ever "regret" what he's done.
I think he may tell you he does at some point if it gets him something he wants, but I don't think he really feels it.
Normal people like to think that people who do such terrible things will regret it because we really can't understand how it's possible not to.
The truth is some people are self serving & unkind to others and really don't give a shit.
He will never be worthy of you or your children.
You can all do so much better & I'm confident you will.

Hi Erika, thank you for updating! I'm so glad that you're doing better. You and your children sound brilliant and lovely.

Erika. Brilliant update.

Thank you for updating, I lurked your thread before and have thought of you and your children. What a bastard your ex is. I do believe someone so cruel and selfish will never really be happy and loved. Good luck.

Are you pressing on with the divorce?

when this bloke comes crawling back with his knob tail between his legs I hope you tell him to fuck off

Here's hoping his knob falls off. What an utter utter twat.

you sound brilliant Erica - am very pleased yours and your children's lives are going so well without such a sorry excuse of a man. They are very lucky to have such a great mother.

I agree, tell him to feck off to the farside when he does show his sorry, sad face.

How horrible for you and your children.

For what it's worth, I don't think they can ever be truly happy after what they've done.

I wish you the very best of luck.