My husband has left me and doesn't want to see the children anymore

[Erika203]

My husband and I were together for almost 10 years, I am 31 and he is 38. We have one son who is nearly eight and a daughter who is six.In November he told me he reconnected with an ex girlfriend, and that he is still in love with her and wants to be with her.

I am not sure what to do because he said he can only contribute financially to our children, that his new girlfriends "rules" for them being together is that that he leaves me and the children and start a family with her. He is going to do that and told me so like we were discussing the weather. He told me I may as well tell our children that he is dead because apart from anything that he is ordered to pay he doesn't want anything to do with the children.

I have been numb and I am still in shock. Christmas was awful as the children wanted to know where their father was and why he wasn't there at Christmas like he always is they have not seen him since the end of November. I tried to call on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to see if he would at least talk to them on the phone but he wouldn't.

His family is taking my side, which is comforting, but I dont know what to tell my children. As much as I would love to tell them that he's dead, he's not and feel like bearing false witness like that will hurt them more in the long run . My son has understandably been acting up but this morning he came and apologized to me for his behaviour and gave me a hug which just made me want to cry! and my daughter is not her cheerful self. I am trying to be strong for them but I'm devastated.

I can support the children alone financially if he decides not to pay anything towards them so I am not worried about that but I just feel so lost,shocked and really embarrassed.. I had a meeting with a divorce lawyer earlier this month who has told me not to tell my friends and relatives anything about it because of the divorce proceedings (some of our friends are mutual) so I feel completely alone.

I feel like if he wants to leave me to be with her then that it one thing but how can he turn his back on his children who he has seen everyday since they were born ? It was actually him who wanted to start a family. That is what I cant figure out how to explain to my children. I really love him but I hate him for what he has done to me and the children. I have been looking into getting some form of counselling for the children but I don't know what to tell them.He texted me earlier this week to wish me happy birthday , i texted him about arranging to come and see the children or even a phone call but he text back saying we had discussed it.

Yes, this is completely different from a death as a death is not a chosen abandonment. If the loss was the death of a loving father then the mother and children could tell stories about how much the children were loved and how they were like they father etc. and the image of their father would be a heroic and positive one.

It is totally different to find the person you thought was your loving father, just suddenly cutting you dead from his life and wanting nothing to do with you anymore. How could you do that to a child?

I am another one who thinks the OW is getting a lot of blame when it is clearly the husband who is capable of lying and brutal treatment. I would also guess she has been told an outrageous pack of lies and may not even be aware that he has children let alone a wife.

Fucking scum

If my DH did that, wow, don't know where I'd start.

I would state he obviously never ever love his babies at all if some new GF trumps them. I would make sure he never saw them again and make a new life for us. Pull your socks up kid, your children need you to be strong now x

This is just terrible.

I agree with the advice to be open with their school and also to pursue possibility of counselling to help guide you in how you talk to the children and for them to process the situation.

Personally,I think I would try and go down the route of "Daddy is not well. No person in their right mind could reject you wonderful fabulous kids. So he is not well and has made a massive mistake. I love you and will always be here with you. You have done nothing wrong." I'd also be trying to maintain relationship with his family to limit the damage of rejection by that part of their family.

I actually feel a little sick just thinking about it because it's so shocking and upsetting to imagine. But with help, guidance and counselling your children will be fine. But I think you need support of others to keep you on track and to limit the impact that this will have on them.

I'm so sorry, OP! You need to tell the children a watered-down version of the truth - I loved the idea upthread of daddy being unwell and making a big mistake.

Explore with your solicitor how you can make sure he has no further parental rights (getting his decision not to see the DC in writing, for example, or statements from friends and relatives). Do you want to change your surname if you took his? Maybe wait on the DCs' names - they might not be ready for that - let them come to that decision themselves over time - they may still need the connection. Take every penny you can. Never call him again, no matter what has happened. Never respond to a text. Tell him clearly that if he decides later that he wants to see his DC then he needs to contact you via the solicitor.

For your DC's sake, I would want to leave a door open to future contact, but not one that means you need to have anything to do with him.

And DO NOT be embarrassed or hide anything from family and friends. They will support you and it's hardly your fault that he's an utter bastard.

This is completely horrible, both for you and for your DC, but you will come through it in the end. But you need your friends to know what's going on - ask your solicitor about this again.

Do you know he is with exGF?
I wonder if he has met someone new and doesnt want to let them know what a spineless shit he is upping and leaving his family!
I cant believe another woman without kids even would say that to a father of young children I am speechless but then he did do it not the OW. I wonder if he is blaming OW for his actions?
I dont understand why solucitor said that? Is solucitor friend of his?

Good grief!

It's hard to know what to say to this. I've known men keep up the pretence of being a good absent father, and then get bored with their children over time, but not this. Just shocking.

How about telling the children that Daddy has had to go and work in Australia or something? It won't make it that much easier for them, but at least it will stop the awkward and impossible questions about why he won't see them, it's something they will be able to accept as feasible, and it's less extreme than saying he's dead, which is obviously ridiculous.

Firstly I think you should contact the other woman and tell her that if he is capable of doing something so unspeakably cruel to his own children without a shred of shame or guilt then she'd better be very careful what she wishes for because he'll be capable of doing it to her and her children too, the minute his head gets turned by someone else, which it will.

Then I would set about doing absolutely every single thing I could think of to take him to the fucking cleaners and make sure that you get every single penny you are entitled to and more, so that he has to start again with fuck all. The absolute tosser.

I think what the lawyer meant was don't discuss the ins and outs of your plans from now on with any mutual friends, as things may get back to him and he may start siphoning off money and coming up with contingency plans to protect himself. I see no reason why, if if he truthfully said that to you about your children, you should not tell whoever the hell you like, so everyone can see what utter cunt he is.
(I never use that word but in this instance I think it's entirely appropriate.)

Change all the locks on your house. Get to work immediately on moving as much money out of joint accounts as you possibly can, and protect yourself for if he stops paying any money in. Make sure you know where he's living, where he works etc. Make sure he doesn't have a car key for any car that's yours for example. Don't leave a single thing to trust or chance.

To be honest, I am not one for airing dirty laundry in public at all, but this is one scenario where I'd be very tempted to announce on my facebook profile and on his wall, and on the wall of the OW

This is the man who walked out on me and his two small children not long before Christmas, refused to even SPEAK to them on Christmas Day, and has informed me that the conditions laid down by his mistress are that he impregates her, and abandons the children he already has, forever. He told me has no intention of ever seeing them again, and that I should tell them he is dead. Yes, you read that right - he wants me to tell his 7 year old son and his 6 year old daughter that he dead, so that he is free to have another child with someone else.

He has told me he intends to contribute absolutely nothing except the bare minimum ordered by the CSA, as he needs his money to have a baby with his mistress.

And this is the man you all call your 'friend.'

OP your story struck me cold. Be assured - he has not had a breakdown. He is wicked, and he is weak.

I said on another thread I'm actually fed up of hearing so much on Mumsnetrelationship board, that a man who perpetuates emotional cruelty on his wife, the mother of his children, 'must' be having a breakdown. Yes - so much of a breakdown he's managed to have an affair and go on to set up a whole new shiny life with another woman. I bet she's made no stipulation about him not seeing DCs at all. He wants to be a new man, shed all responsibilities start anew. So he's done the usual trick of blaming a woman.

I split with exH in 1999, when my DCs were aged 5 & 4. He immediately stopped seeing them. Theyre 18 & 19 now. You can't shield your children from these things sadly. I tried. But they went to school, saw that mummies & daddies are together, saw/heard that even when parents weren't together im spending Saturday with my daddy. & they realised - their own dad didn't give a shit about them.

You have to gird yourself to be mummy & daddy, answer your DCs questions as best you can. Surround them with love & affection. What also helped my 2 was, care contact & affection from extended family in addition to me. We made them feel safe, as a priority

You and your DCs have experienced the ultimate betrayal. Like my exH it sounds as if your H is happy enough to be in contact with you, but doesn't want the hassle of the children.

Let him support the children financially. Get arrangements sorted for that. Then never speak to him again. He's not fit to kiss the bottom of your shoe. To abandon you, to cut off his own children like that - what's to say to such a man? I've got nothing to say to my exH although he's tried to speak to me on occasion over the years. I met my lovely OH 4 years ago & he treats my DCs as his own. No question. There are men - and there are men. It will take you a very long time to get over this. But the anger you will eventually begin to feel at his callousness, will spur you on.

Feel as if I want to say so much more on this but its turning into an essay! OP, look after yourself and your DCs. Don't engage in any un-necessary dialogue with that man. Let good friends and family be there for you. You'll get through this. I'm proud that I raised my DCs well. 1 at college 1 at Uni, lovely well-adjusted young women. You'll get by.

I also think you should follow MadIsTheNewNormal's advice. To the letter. Yes, tell them sadly he had to go away. Protect yourself financially. Take no chances.

My exH went on to have 3 children with his mistress. Somehow via Facebook etc, his children are (happily) in touch with our DCs. Via this, I've heard he & his lady love aren't happy at all and haven't been for years. Whilst I don't gloat, I don't actually give a flying fuck. He was happy to dump our DCs; she, knowing this, was happy to go on to have children with him. You really do reap what you sow in life, at times.

My DCs are happy. That's all that matters. We do our best by and for our children. Feckless adults must look out for themselves.

I'm so sorry OP. This is such a horrible thing to do to anyone- you and the kids. I also wonder of the OW knows of the kids existence.

I agree that you should get as good a settlement as possible for the kids. And get it in writing that he does not wish to have any further contact. Part of me thinks these two don't deserve to have kids, so if karma does exist, they may change their minds at some point in the future and want to be in your kids lives.

You sound very strong OP. I noticed that you hardly mentioned yourself in your first post. Your kids are very lucky to have you and they will be fine.

I'm so sad to hear what's happened and am sending you big virtual hugs.

ElBombero are you on glue??!!

OP this is one of the saddest threads I've read on MN. It's unfathomable to me, as I'm sure it is to you, that a parent would choose not to see their children. Shame on him.

ElbomBombero she called him at Christmas to see if the twat would talk to the kids, telling her to get a grip and have self respect is a really crappy thing to say.

Op you must be in a state of total shock, you seem to be holding up well though. I can't believe someone could act so utterly cold?!

Agree with pps about not lying to your kids on his behalf, and getting everything you can put off him to help you with your future.

How a woman could want a man who could do this, or indeed a man could want a woman who would ask it, is again unbelievable, they deserve each other.

Elbom I have reported your unspeakable post

I have read through this thread and don't have any more advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am you and your children are in this situation .

It hadn't occurred to me his new girlfriend might not know about you until someone said it and actually maybe that is the case ? Although it doesn't really change much.

I remember the early weeks after my XH left as being very dark at times but you will get through and it may not seem important right now but knowing that if need be you can support yourselves is a big plus

Try and keep strong

Not a good idea that some say to contact OW. She may or not know but either way it hardly helps. Make sure you are saying the 'Daddy left us all '- you as well otherwise it might sound to their ears like you are ok with this. When they ask why you can explain that you don't know why and that sometimes grown ups do very silly things, but let them know that you love them very much and won't leave them. Certainly keep any correspondence from him -if only to show them later when they understand more.

Of course there is always the possibility that he may slither back when he finds the grass is not greener- some of these men live in a fantasy world and somehow think that by 'starting again' with another partner and having children -that is exciting. When it gets boring again they move on again and again.

If it does become boring he may well slither back and blame the OW for 'making him give you all up'. I hope you show him exactly what you and the kids think of him if he does.

Very sorry you are going through this. A proper man does not behave like this. Keep seeing his family as they are supportive and the kids need to know the grandparents still love them, but try to avoid slagging him off to them, much as they may agree, it would be awkward for them.

He hasn't seen them for a month, then on Christmas Day they are asking for him. Who is keeping him
At the forefront of their minds, saying OP should be trying to distract there very thought from this evil man, not try ringing him on Xmas day!! What the hell will that do. Even if he agreed to talk to them surely their gonna wanna know where he's even for the past month.

Helpful

Wow, really nasty elbombero,

He is their father El, they don't need someone keeping him "at the front of their minds"- he will be there anyway because of what he has done. Stop attacking the op who is going through hell and is currently trying to find a way through a horrific time.

I'm surprised anyone could decipher ElBrom's earlier post.

Ok, I get to some of you I seem harsh but I had a mother who constantly used us as bait. Just saying if my DH left and did what OP DH has he'd be a gonna. I like the advice of telling them Australia or something, give them true account when they are older. Talking about him / ringing will not be helping matters

OP my ex did something similar (though under different circumstances). After we split he kept saying he found being a part-time dad too painful and he wanted nothing more to do with our son. This never lasted more than a couple of months when he would reappear.

My reason for telling you this is that your H may well come to his senses when reality kicks in (and the first flush of a new relationship wears off) and realise that he can't just abandon his kids. While this will make him no less of a c*nt - it's what's best for your children that counts, he's still their dad. I definitely wouldn't tell them that he's dead.

If he realised he'd made a mistake would you take him back? If you're absolutely sure that you wouldn't then I would tell the kids whatever you would tell them if you had split up under different circumstances. Maybe tell them that daddy's gone away for a while - you're not sure when he'll be back. I would play it one week at a time - they'll get used to the new normal. And I would make sure that the school is aware of the situation so that they can help with any behavioural issues that may arise and give them the right support.

Good luck.

That's your experience El telling a woman who's dealing with heart broken children to get a grip and have some self respect is just twatty, how ever you feel she should be handling this.

But its really early days El, shes not using them as bait, shes hoping the wankbadger will come to his fucking senses!
OP, I have an ex friend who is ex because when she & her ex dh split up she told her dc that their dad had died. He had gone to work in Saudi for 3 months & this was before internet \ mobiles. She intercepted letters \ phone calls.
Her kids grieved, it was horrific, as was their reaction when dad came to the house on his return.
Please tell them an age appropriate version of the truth & stay strong.