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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH caught masterbating

310 replies

Alexa007 · 29/12/2013 20:22

I know most ppl on this board are going to say this is no big deal but I walked in on my DH wanking in the shower today. Door was open I walked in to put some stuff away.

Naive maybe but we have talked about this before and he's always maintained he never does it and doesn't need to as we have sex regularly. We have been married 3 years, together 7 and have a dc aged nearly 1.

So now firstly I feel like he has been lying to me all this time. Fine if when we'd talked about it he said he'd always done it etc. but now I keep thinking back to times when he's been off taking super long in the shower....

Also, we have just come back from holiday together, if he was feeling horny why didn't he just get me, our lo was sleeping at the time.

I feel hurt.

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 29/12/2013 23:59

I've lied about masturbating to DP because it's personal to me and I don't want him to know everytime I've had a play!

And it's nothing to do with rejecting sex either, sometimes you just want a quick orgasm of your own accord.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 00:01

Neiljames had me in tears. Creeping jesus Grin

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 03:14

I really hate threads that go like this.

Thank goodness for the few sensible voices and the people who were actually listening to the OP.

I hope she comes back, but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't, after all the piss-taking, jeering and swearing at her.

These threads bring out the worst in some people. It happens so often on sex-related threads when people seem to clamour for the image of being so unrepressed and out there and think the best way of bigging themselves up is to take the piss out of the OP for being so sexually inexperienced or immature.

The OP has said repeatedly that it's not the masturbation that's an issue, it's the lying about it and the sense of rejection when she wanted sex.

Blaming her for her partner's lies is just indefensible. Would you blame her if he lied about something else that in your book, wasn't acceptable or normal? Why does what the lie was about matter?

Alexa, my advice is to talk to your husband. Explain that this is not about masturbation which is normal and healthy, but about him telling you a pointless lie and also some hurt and frustration that you were hoping to make the most of the opportunity to have sex together today. Explain that you do see the appeal of low-effort sexual release and that you respect his privacy and bodily autonomy. Maybe explore whether he has any erroneous shame about masturbating and admitting it and try to agree new ground rules where it's permissible for both of you to be honest about it without the other feeling rejected.

The young children years are tiring and even people with a high sex drive who desire their partners intensely will often choose a quick, low effort and entirely self-centred release, over the pressure and sheer time-consumption of sex that's mutually satisfactory.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 03:17

Asking about masturbation to me is like asking if I've just done a poo. I deny deny deny. It's embarrassing for some and we don't have to fully disclose everything just because we're someone's partner.

She shouldn't be blamed for the lies, but she needs to accept that it's his business not hers, and she doesn't really have any right to know anything about it.

zippey · 30/12/2013 04:10

He has a right to lie to you if he wants to. It doesn't make him a bad person or a bad husband and shouldn't mean your relationship is in trouble.

Vivacia · 30/12/2013 07:56

Absolutely well said Leaven.

thisismyYuleTimenickname · 30/12/2013 09:36

Leaven and OP if this is real I apologise for not taking the thread seriously, there have been many suspicious threads about sex and suspicious people around so it makes me suspicious at times...

FabricQueen · 30/12/2013 10:47

Excellent post, Leaven.

FluffyJumper · 30/12/2013 10:59

But she has said that she was hurt, so it wasn't just about the lies.

blueshoes · 30/12/2013 11:05

Speak to the hand

FluffyJumper · 30/12/2013 11:08

Eh?

muddylettuce · 30/12/2013 11:27

Don't you masturbate?! I think it's perfectly normal to be honest and I wouldn't berate him for it. If you're hurt he didn't proposition you instead, maybe suggest next time he comes and gets you?! X

FluffyJumper · 30/12/2013 11:36

Thing is muddylettuce, that kind of implies that if you want a wank, you also want sex. Which isn't the case. I'd take it that I wasn't allowed to wank unless I'd given the OP first refusal. So I might be more likely to hide it, so as not to have all the fuss.

TapirsCaperWithReindeers · 30/12/2013 12:50

A lot of people are raised by adults who teach them that sex and sexual urges are dirty - even in this day and age, and this can stay with us as adults and lead us to feeling shame about our bodies, masturbation and the act of sex itself.

Sex and masturbation are two entirely different things, and if the OP's partner feels unable to tell her that he wanks, I think she should find out why.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 13:17

Why should she find out why? It's sod all to do with her what he does with his own penis as long as he's not using it with someone else! People are allowed to hide things of a personal nature. People are allowed to feel shame. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to become transparent.

Keepithidden · 30/12/2013 15:17

"A lot of people are raised by adults who teach them that sex and sexual urges are dirty - even in this day and age, and this can stay with us as adults and lead us to feeling shame about our bodies, masturbation and the act of sex itself."

This. I'm mid thirties. I was brought up in a relatively strict Christian household, my first memory of talking about masturbation was that "it was fine as long as I could think about my maths homework while doing it". I guess impure thoughts were forbidden! Never broached the subject again after that!

sarajane231 · 30/12/2013 15:50

I wouldnt care if my husband wanked (they all do) but wouldnt like him lying about it

FluffyJumper · 30/12/2013 16:01

But I do think this would fall into the category of white lie though. There are some lies that really don't matter very much at all, and if the OP really doesn't think wanking is a bad thing, then this is really not a big deal of a lie.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 30/12/2013 16:02

i would say unless you walked in on him watching porn and doing it and in general your sex life is fine then I don't think you need to feel hurt.

sarajane231 · 30/12/2013 17:46

To be fair after my last comnent I would agree it might be a white lie...made either out of embarrassment or to protect you.

I caught XP doing it once and had the same reaction. Purely because it was sneaky. I personally tell him every time I do it. He liked hearing about it!

Some people are less comfortable chatting about this stuff xx

TapirsCaperWithReindeers · 30/12/2013 17:50

Baubles

I'm suggesting that she find out why as it will help her to understand that it's an entirely natural thing, but something she obviously has an issue with.

And as for being transparent - not mentioned in my post at all.

ItsTrueLefou · 30/12/2013 17:56

I think that anyone has a perfect right to lie about how often/if they masturbate because it's such a personal thing.

Juliaparker25 · 30/12/2013 18:13

There are two types of people in the world ...........Wankers and Liars
which one are you ??

Vivacia · 30/12/2013 18:21

Can this shit just fuck off now?

scottishmummy · 30/12/2013 18:23

Ahh yes mumsnet.no ones dear partner wanks,or looks at porn
Must be true
He said so