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Original poster

Friends 'D' H tried it on, advice please

165 replies

JustDrive · 29/12/2013 13:25

I really don't know what to do right now.
Met a really great girl through work and we both have similar aged kids and loads in common. She's been like a rock to me after splitting with my H, wouldn't have coped without her.
Anyway last night she invited me out with her husband and group of friends as my H had DS for the night. Was the first time I'd met them or her H.
We went into town and a lot of booze was had, her H became more and more friendly which did make me feel uncomfortable.
By the late evening he was groping my bum etc. told him to stop.
Later on we were outside smoking and he tried to kiss me!! Put my hand on his cock and said 'see what you do to me' omg I feel sick reliving this. So I left. He followed. Tried it on basically and I said no.
Anyway I went home a bit shaken and upset because my friend really is lovely and I'm a bit shocked. She was suspicious after I'd gone and apparently her Hs friend has said I tried it on with her H!!!
Shes text this morning saying she's in bits and wants the truth.
I don't know whether to tell her or not because I don't want to lose her friendship and I know she'll 'shoot the messenger'.
WWYD? What a fucking arsehole.

OP posts:
Nerfmother · 29/12/2013 18:00

Blimey op, I really hope work isn't too stressful for you (assuming you're there now). The second update makes it really clear , I would be very careful not to give the wife any impression that this was over enthusiastic flirting tbh.
Poor you - would it be worth speaking to the non emergency number? Might also scare him stupid to know this, and support your rolling wife what happened? But I can see how hard this is if you work together.
Is there a manager or HR you can speak to in confidence, mine is brilliant and I talk to her about stuff that may affect work.

redundantandbitter · 29/12/2013 18:00

OP I agree with an earlier post. Write down all the details and times, as much as you can remember . Have the details in front of you when you speak to your friend. Would you consider telling her in person?

I would end the conversation with 'I am going to ask the police to check if the bar has CCTV covering the outside smoking area and then I'll take it from there'. There's no harm in going to the police . I'll bet my Xmas chocolates this is not the first time he's been WAY too familiar with a female and, quite frankly, he deserves a brush with the law. I bet he has form already.

AnandaTimeIn · 29/12/2013 18:07

you could even try excusing his behaviour on the drink. That's probably what I would do.

I'm sorry but this is terrible advice. Just cos the guy was drinking it gives him NO RIGHT to do the awful things he did to OP.

The longer women hold these kind of attitudes the longer men will get away with treating them like he did to OP.

Please do not minimise these kinds of behaviours of men towards women. Out for a fun evening and being harassed and assaulted! FFS!

I'm so sorry you had to go through this OP, and especially as you value your friendship with her so much.

Who knows how it will turn out. You could become even firmer friends from this experience. All depends how she handles it.

You do have to be scrupulously honest with her tho. If only to avoid getting some weird untrue "reputation".

If someone's husband/boyfriend was doing that to me HELL YES I would tell them.

What they do with the information is their business.

If nothing else, she will appreciate your honesty.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 18:17

In fact, it is a shame that it was the OP who had to leave the party earlier and not this man, escorted by the police, to have an internal search carried out just in case I've watched too much US TV.

redundantandbitter · 29/12/2013 18:58

Ha, yes they would search him but not INTERNALLY! unless there was reason to believe he had something stashed in there ....ewwwww

sparklysilversequins · 29/12/2013 19:04

Thank you anyfucker that is exactly what I meant. I have posted earlier and been totally with the OP.

What a disgusting man.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 19:09

If you lie and say he 'flirted' it really looks like you are hiding something. It really does not make any sense to tell her anything other than the absolute truth.

Greenkit · 29/12/2013 19:11

And even then, police dont do internal searches

scottishmummy · 29/12/2013 19:13

If you tell her,keep it factual,unambiguous.
With no warning or encouragement he tried to kiss op
he forced her hand on his erect penis
He wouldn't desist he followed her
This caused fear and alarm to op

Arcadia · 29/12/2013 19:21

This happened to me on a night out, but the friend was not as close. She rang me the next day really angry saying they were having a row and it was about me and whether he was initiating things or I was (he groped me). She ignored me for ages after that and it was awkward when we were both at social events. Other friends managed not to get involved. In the end they split up anyway and we are friends again now. He showed himself to be a total pig in many other ways and she realised I wasn't to blame.

You may lose her for now whatever you say or do, if she doesn't want to accept how he is, but he will do it again and again, and no doubt they will split sooner or later, and you can rebuild your friendship.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 19:21

You realise the internal search was a joke?

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 29/12/2013 19:23

I was going to post that i thought the police was OTT, but reading scottishmummy's post that summarises, factually what happened, I don't - vile disgusting pig! It kind of puts me in mind of jimmy saville, hiding in plain site - because this wasn't done behind closed doors, he thinks its ok "its just a bit of a laugh"..........which is of course what he is gong to say isn't it.

Poor you OP and your poor friend being married to such a worm.

Greenkit · 29/12/2013 19:25

Yes, but wanted to clarify, just in case someone thought it was real Grin

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 29/12/2013 19:34

So you are willing to let her think you are a foul cow who tries to get off with married men because you want to protect her marriage to a man who sexually assaults women ?
you arent doing her the favour you think you are.
I am sorry that hs did this to you but don't accept the role of bad guy here. Hes not worth it.
How bad do you think work will be if she tells everyone his version of what happened?

You have to put yourself first. Dont be hated for something he did! Dont prioritise her marriage over your wellbeing.

PedantMarina · 29/12/2013 19:49

What HEC said. In freaking spades.

Will add to it: what kind of favour are you doing to either your friend or her children by minimising and enabling this crap behaviour from a shitty mindset that her DH has.

We see fred after fred after fred on here where people realise the stupidity of "staying together for the sake of the kids" and that, in fact, the kids do not benefit from being raised by misogynistic abusers. Neither sons nor daughters...

alwaysneedaholiday · 29/12/2013 19:58

She's asked for the truth and I think you should tell her. If you don't, you will look like the bad guy, which her H clearly is.

Hope you are ok OP, it's a shit situation to be in, but I'm afraid you can't salvage this friendship.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 29/12/2013 20:20

If the OP's friend has asked for the truth, I suspect she already knows more about what a sleeze her P is/was to OP. He may well have a history of being like this with other women, his 'mate' might well have form for covering up/backing him in an entirely unconvincing way, his behaviour and following OP around, groping you, has likely been noticed by more than just his 'mate'. I agree with everyone else who says be honest, factual, and don't get drawn into an argument/discussion over the finer points. He assaulted you OP.

PedantMarina · 29/12/2013 20:20

Yes, thinking about you now - you're obviously at work and can't be brilliantly comfy for you.

Also definitely agree with others who are urging you to look after yourself first and foremost. But what I was saying earlier was that you can do that AND, even if you don't think it's what you're doing, look after others.

The only person who benefits from your silence (or minimising) is the abuser.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2013 20:22

To those who wouldn't tell police,would you report if it was stranger?
Had a stranger,attempted a kiss,put her hand on erect penis and followed her
Would that merit telling police?is it the act that doesn't warrant reporting,or who the alleged perpetrator was

PedantMarina · 29/12/2013 20:22

I keep coming back to She's been like a rock to me after splitting with my H, wouldn't have coped without her. and I keep wondering if the secondary intention of DH was to ensure that you're not around to be her rock in the weeks/months to come.

Original poster
JustDrive · 29/12/2013 23:51

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to reply. Haven't read through everything but will do, wanted to update.
Seen friend at work, didn't have to say a lot. Seems he has form for making her friends feel 'uncomfortable'.
I didn't go into details, I know the majority have said I should have but I didn't.
She knows it was all him. She hadn't told him about my affair or anything. He's just an absolute prick.

She text him saying I'd told him everything, apparently he's in tears at home, shitting himself no doubt.
I did tell her about the bottom groping. It was a very uncomfortable conversation.
According to her he never cries so he must be having a break down or something...they need to spend more time together without the kids...it's all crap but I really don't want to get involved further.

If she pushes me again I will give her detail. For now I think she's happy to stick her head in the sand. So sad that this friendship will obviously fizzle and I'll lose her.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDrive · 29/12/2013 23:57

I'm so angry with that fucking toss pot.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 29/12/2013 23:57

Good on you for telling her. It's good she believed you but sad that she's going to do the "working on it" dance - you know the one where the woman whizzes around rewarding her cheating shithead with more sex and attention - before eventually seeing sense.

Fairenuff · 30/12/2013 00:02

Actually OP I think your friendship could become closer. You know what her dh is like and if she needs someone to talk to, she could come to you, if you are ok with that.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 30/12/2013 00:05

I wouldn't be so quick to write the friendship off OP. Hers is unlikely to be a relationship that'll go the distance given his 'habit' of harassing/groping/assaulting her friends. If she doesn't come to her senses over what's happened to date, she'll likely have to do so when he does it to someone who does go to the police over his disgusting behaviour. You might well be someone she will turn to at some point when the shit hits the fan. By all means, cool things/keep your distance if it makes you uncomfortable (understandably) but I don't think she's got a long term future with that letch.

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