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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends 'D' H tried it on, advice please

165 replies

JustDrive · 29/12/2013 13:25

I really don't know what to do right now.
Met a really great girl through work and we both have similar aged kids and loads in common. She's been like a rock to me after splitting with my H, wouldn't have coped without her.
Anyway last night she invited me out with her husband and group of friends as my H had DS for the night. Was the first time I'd met them or her H.
We went into town and a lot of booze was had, her H became more and more friendly which did make me feel uncomfortable.
By the late evening he was groping my bum etc. told him to stop.
Later on we were outside smoking and he tried to kiss me!! Put my hand on his cock and said 'see what you do to me' omg I feel sick reliving this. So I left. He followed. Tried it on basically and I said no.
Anyway I went home a bit shaken and upset because my friend really is lovely and I'm a bit shocked. She was suspicious after I'd gone and apparently her Hs friend has said I tried it on with her H!!!
Shes text this morning saying she's in bits and wants the truth.
I don't know whether to tell her or not because I don't want to lose her friendship and I know she'll 'shoot the messenger'.
WWYD? What a fucking arsehole.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 29/12/2013 14:58

They would investigate it. He assaulted her and the police are very used to people denying assault.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 15:00

Normal police procedure would be to interview so called witnesses separately and compare their stories, I'd expect.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA · 29/12/2013 15:07

The truth totally he probably has form bastard

neiljames77 · 29/12/2013 15:09

JustDrive, what have you said to your friend?

Vivacia · 29/12/2013 15:42

We don't know that the husband's friend is claiming to have witnessed anything.

Original poster
JustDrive · 29/12/2013 15:49

Thanks for all the replies.
I really don't want to break this woman's heart and feel in a bloody shit position.
I haven't replied to her message yet but will see her in a few hours at work which I'm dreading.

Just to clear up, I didn't go out for a cigarette alone with him. He followed me, all night, which looking back must have been noticed.

I'm thinking about saying that he got too flirty so I left.

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 29/12/2013 15:51

I would report to the police. He assaulted you. Is tell the friend exactly what happened as well.

perfectstorm · 29/12/2013 15:52

^this will happen all the time now men know you are single.
so don't do anything daft like get drunk with them and go outside together.^

Dear God.

Read the bloody link MN posted. Please.

OP, I hope you're doing okay. I am so, so sorry this shit put you and his wife in this situation.

kitsmummy · 29/12/2013 15:52

Just tell her the truth, as her friend, you owe her the truth

mammadiggingdeep · 29/12/2013 15:54

I think she should know the truth. You did nothing wrong and she should know what he did. He has let her down, not you

Original poster
JustDrive · 29/12/2013 15:56

I really don't want to go to the police. If I read this thread I would tell the op to be honest but they have 2 young children and I don't want to be the one to split them up.

She knows everything about my marriage breakdown. I had an affair which I'm very ashamed of and regret bitterly. I'm afraid she'll think because of this that I did try it on with her H.

Fuck it. Just wanted a nice night out to meet some new people and not spend another night on my own feeling sorry for myself. Now this. Confused

OP posts:
KirstyJC · 29/12/2013 15:56

He sexually assaulted you. Whether she believes you or not, you ought to report it to the police.

And tell her - not that he 'tried it on' as that sounds like he just made a comment or something, tell her the truth, that he actually assaulted you. I'm so sorry.

KirstyJC · 29/12/2013 15:59

You won't be the one to split them up - HE would be, because he sexually assaulted you!

Christ, do men really get away with this? Acting like this and the women just take the blame for their behaviour? JustDrive - YOU are not to blame for anything. He acted a certain way, he should take responsibility for it.

Tell her even if you won't tell the police. Although you should, esp if there is CCTV and he would be caught in the act. Your having been drinking is completely irrelevant.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 15:59

If her marriage breaks up, it won't be because of you, but because of him.
Either she noticed what he was doing, or someone told her.

I wouldn't go tell her, but if she asks, I would tell her the basic truth. Details only if she asked again.

HollaAtMeBaby · 29/12/2013 16:00

Tell her everything.

Any chance there was CCTV where you were outside in the smoking area?

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/12/2013 16:01

Tell your friend the facts. Don't dress it up, don't play it down, don't put a spin on it. Any attempt to do so will only provide room for him to blame you.

Tell her what he said and what he did. She deserves to know the facts. She can then decide what to make of it herself.Sad

DontmindifIdo · 29/12/2013 16:05

I would just say "your DH tried it on, I turned him down, I didn't feel comfortable carrying on with the night out after that so I went home." if you aren't comfortable discussing further, you don't have to, but don't lie. If you are nervous about saying it to her face, text that now before you start work, then at work, if you don't want to discuss it you can just say "I've told you what happened, I'd rather not discuss it."

BTW - you might have been in the wrong having an affair, this does not mean you are automatically in the wrong in every situation.

BoyMeetsWorld · 29/12/2013 16:06

JustDrive - I'd go from the standpoint of telling her how important it is she believes you & how much you value her as a friend, before telling her what happened as factually as possible. Your only hope really is that somehow she believes you. Also tell her you really want her friendship & will stay well away from her DH from now on both because you want to after what he did & to try and make her more comfortable.

If she won't believe you it's krap but not your fault.

You could always show her this thread?

neiljames77 · 29/12/2013 16:07

She WILL think that you're to blame. I can understand why you say you don't want to go to the police but don't just sit back and let people think it's your fault.

JaceyBee · 29/12/2013 16:10

Everyone on this thread is saying tell her the truth and I agree. Just tell her exactly how you told us. You will NOT be responsible for ending her marriage, HE will be.

JaceyBee · 29/12/2013 16:12

Although she'll probably just stick her head in the sand and do nothing anyway Sad

Upcycled · 29/12/2013 16:15

I would tell the truth.

Droves · 29/12/2013 16:15

Shock the H is an utter shit .

flippinada · 29/12/2013 16:17

I really feel for you Just, what a foul shitbag and what a nasty position he's put you in. I would guess he has form for this type of behaviour.

If you would like advice, I would just tell the truth, as kindly as possible. Don't feel you have justify yourself either - you did nothing wrong.

meeeemo · 29/12/2013 16:20

rabbitlady
"tell the truth.
this will happen all the time now men know you are single.
so don't do anything daft like get drunk with them and go outside together".

you are a complete idiot.