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Original poster

Friends 'D' H tried it on, advice please

165 replies

JustDrive · 29/12/2013 13:25

I really don't know what to do right now.
Met a really great girl through work and we both have similar aged kids and loads in common. She's been like a rock to me after splitting with my H, wouldn't have coped without her.
Anyway last night she invited me out with her husband and group of friends as my H had DS for the night. Was the first time I'd met them or her H.
We went into town and a lot of booze was had, her H became more and more friendly which did make me feel uncomfortable.
By the late evening he was groping my bum etc. told him to stop.
Later on we were outside smoking and he tried to kiss me!! Put my hand on his cock and said 'see what you do to me' omg I feel sick reliving this. So I left. He followed. Tried it on basically and I said no.
Anyway I went home a bit shaken and upset because my friend really is lovely and I'm a bit shocked. She was suspicious after I'd gone and apparently her Hs friend has said I tried it on with her H!!!
Shes text this morning saying she's in bits and wants the truth.
I don't know whether to tell her or not because I don't want to lose her friendship and I know she'll 'shoot the messenger'.
WWYD? What a fucking arsehole.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 17:02

....and you would be wrong to do that, zippey

scottishmummy · 29/12/2013 17:03

Some if the language is so minimising.he didn't get flirty,he sexually assaulted her

zippey · 29/12/2013 17:05

I wouldn't go to the police, that's over the top.

neiljames77 · 29/12/2013 17:08

Precisely, Fairenuff. If him and his mate know or think that there's proof of their lies, he'll have to admit to his mrs what a twat he's been. You never know, he could have done this kind of stuff before but has managed to talk his way out of it.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 17:09

Is sexual assault ok in your book then zippey?

scottishmummy · 29/12/2013 17:10

Why is it over top to report sexual assault.at what point wouldn't it be ott?
Force?penetration?visible marks would those factors be ott too?
What in your opinion would constitute grounds oh to police zippey?

thornrose · 29/12/2013 17:12

I imagine it isn't the first time he's behaved like this but you could potentially make it his last time OP.

Ultimately you need to take care of yourself and how this is affecting you Flowers

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2013 17:18

OP I would write down an account without feeling on paper everything that happened last night from begging to end - then photocopy it and place one copy in an envelope put in your handbag place the other safe at home.

Then if you wish to give this to the mans wife

scottishmummy · 29/12/2013 17:21

I would refrain from any contact with him or the wife.op doesn't need to give an account
The onus shouldn't be upon the op to give an account of what man did to his wife

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2013 17:26

I don't understand the above. The wife has asked the OP what happened because she has been told that the OP tried it on with her husband. What's wrong with the OP telling the wife "no, this is what happened." Tisn't the OP's job to convince the wife but do you mean don't tell her at all?

CalamityKate · 29/12/2013 17:31

Totally agree with Scottishmummy.

Trying it on?
Flirty? Bloody FLIRTY??

FFS! Hmm

meeeemo · 29/12/2013 17:33

what a dick. my friends DH rubbed my leg when drunk, whilst we was sat on sofa. i pushed his hand off and said that i didnt think his wife would be too happy. later that night he managed to piss in corner of lounge.... i took that to mean he was so drunk he didnt know what he was doing. i didnt tell friend, but in your case i would give the full facts like you did in OP.

zippey · 29/12/2013 17:34

I think if the OP felt she was sexually assaulted either at the time or on reflection she should defiantly report him. Her OP and subsequent posts don't reflect this. I could be wrong though.

If a man or woman did this to me, I would leave the situation but wouldn't feel the need to report it to the police.I know it's not the popular opinion here. That's not to say you shouldn't report it to your friend.

perfectstorm · 29/12/2013 17:35

Flirty is batting eyelashes and commenting on how attractive you find someone.

Grabbing someone's hand and putting it on your genitals without the least indication of that being remotely welcome is sexual assault.

Very depressed that anyone can be confused on the subject.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 17:36

The OP has to work with his wife so can't refrain from contact. In the OPs position I'd tell her what he did in as factual a way as possible in person - can you ask to meet her 15 minutes before work starts? That way you can discuss it without the husband trying to blind her with his verion of events. Not sure what work you do, OP, but I'd hold my head up high and answer any of her questions, then leave the ball in her court.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2013 17:38

version

zippey · 29/12/2013 17:40

Scottishmummy - yes all those scenarios you mention are examples of sexual assault which should be reported to police.

I don't agree with your other post that OP shouldn't give her side to the story. If they weren't good friends, maybe you'd be right. But she is a good friend, and why should the OP take the blame for something which clearly was not her fault?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 17:40

Tbf, I wouldn't report to the police on my own account in this situation either

but there is no way I would try and dissuade others from doing so by minimising what had been done to them

zippey · 29/12/2013 17:49

Flirting is a word that the OP used at 15.49. It's minimising what happened but it might be a way to enter the conversation as her friend will ask what she means by flirting. I don't think going in with guns blazing would help. At least that's my opinion, to use a gently gently approach.

It's a horrible situation for OP and her unsuspecting friend.

neiljames77 · 29/12/2013 17:49

If the woman's husband was convicted of sexual assault, would he go on the sex offenders register? Maybe the OP is thinking about what her friends kids would be put through once it's common knowledge.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 29/12/2013 17:50

she could be in a emotionally abusive relationship where he is wanting control of her so doing that to you will put you of your friendship with her.
I think you should be honest, she will believe him though and if its the case it's best to step away from both of them.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 17:50

Most of us probably wouldn't report it to the police, which is a shame. We'd simply keep our distance from such man and would only report it if he did it again or harassed us. That's how these men continue to think it's ok to behave in this way. :(

I don't think the OP will do it either. But the police should be mentioned as a possibility to bring down the seriousness and the nature of the assault the OP suffered.
Certainly as a better option than to volunteer for a private polygraph test.

It was not flirting, nor should you pass it down as such, JustDrive.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2013 17:52

The word 'flirting' implies it was reciprocated. After all, you cannot flirt with an inanimate object can you, there needs to be some sort of response.

OP I would not use that word with the wife. Just state the facts - he put his hand on my bottom and I told him to stop, he followed me outside and tried to kiss me, he took my hand and placed it on his erect penis, etc.

matildamatilda · 29/12/2013 17:56

Well said, Lweji.

Greenkit · 29/12/2013 17:59

We have had people in custody for touching someones bottom in a sugestive manner and who have been reported by the victim. I do feel you should report to the police even if you just want to make a report but not follow it up and I would tell your friend the whole truth, she needs to know.

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