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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

266 replies

atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 01:42

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. Blush He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable. Sad

OP posts:
hoppingmad · 29/12/2013 01:44

Ltb right now

Rosencrantz · 29/12/2013 01:45

Why on earth are you with this dick?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 29/12/2013 01:46

Leave now before things get more complicated
I'm not sure I've ever said ltb before but I genuinely do think get out now before it's harder to

GobbySadcase · 29/12/2013 01:47

Get out as fast as you can.

JaceyBee · 29/12/2013 01:47

A size 14 is not fat!! I suppose he's Ryan gosling is he? Hmm

Tell him to go fuck himself, you can do so much better!

hoppingmad · 29/12/2013 01:48

Sorry, that wasn't that helpful but I was mentally screaming that at you whilst reading.

He wants to enjoy your body?? Wtaf?! He could enjoy your body now but he thinks he has the right to dictate what size body that is?!

If he can't support you through health issues and a changing body shape then for the love of god do not have a child with this man.

Never mind him wanting to be selfish for a while - he will always be selfish, and a twat. You are better off without him.

LuisCarol · 29/12/2013 01:53

For the record, I'm a man.

Ltb.

NigellasDealer · 29/12/2013 01:53

sounds like a right wanker, please do not have children with him

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2013 01:54

Bloody hell! What!? I have had similiar weight gain to you. I preferred what I looked like lighter but I would consider myself in no way sexually undesirable. Plus weight vs happiness. Not a hard decision. I think I look pretty good, actually. I'm in my early 20s.

I'm sure he'd be the first to complain about your moodiness when you starved yourself to fit in with his bedtime ideal. Or your absence when you spent 5 nights a week down the gym. Fuck him! I assume that he is a rock star with 6 pack that he keeps oiled, too?

I have never met someone so 'fussy'. And I've slept with a fair number of relatively shallow young men. Honestly gobsmacked by that! Give him a slap from me over here, another 72kg woman!

Dirtybadger · 29/12/2013 01:55

Oh my God. I just thought. Imagine if he spoke to a daughter like that, that she needed to lose weight to get a boyfriend, etc. Just no!

NigellasDealer · 29/12/2013 01:56

"enjoy your body" ffs
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bluecarrot · 29/12/2013 01:56

Sorry OP, but I think staying with this guy is a mistake. You should feel cherished and loved regardless of your size.

What you have said sounds like he is emotionally abusive.

I hope you have the strength to walk away from this guy.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 29/12/2013 02:12

He is a selfish, foolish man leading you on until he finds something 'better'. He's just not that into you.

Sorry. You are worth more than this.

Dirtymistress · 29/12/2013 02:17

You do not want children with a man like this, really you don't.
Leave him, life is too short to spend it with someone who brings you down.

80sMum · 29/12/2013 02:36

Oh dear, OP. I do understand that you want to have children soon but I really don't think it should be with this man. It sadly sounds as though your marriage may have broken down irretrievably and to attempt to start a family now would be very unwise.
You need to take stock. Sit down and think it through carefully. Can you really see a long term future with your dh, or is it perhaps time to call it a day?

Lweji · 29/12/2013 02:44

Leave, leave, leave.

For what is worth, my exH was 4 years younger than me. I had DS on my early 30s.

Lweji · 29/12/2013 02:45

You don't want to bring children into this marriage.

CrispyHedgehogHoHoHoFucker · 29/12/2013 02:46

Dump the cunt. Seriously

picklesrule · 29/12/2013 02:47

you really truly do not want to have children with this person. He sounds awful you deserve much better. If you think he does not support you now how will he be through pregnancy and small children?? Take a look at your post as if a good friend of yours, someone you love wrote it..what would you tell them to do??

Val007 · 29/12/2013 02:50

You are putting weight on because of him. Pls din't have children with him. Leave now!

Lairyfights · 29/12/2013 03:02

When I first read the title, I'll admit I assumed that you were a very overweight woman and he was concerned for you health if you were obese and pregnant.

No turns out he's just a wanker! You've gone up a few dress sizes and have curves in different places - big deal! I can't believe your husband would say such mean things to you. It's really cruel, and unnecessary. I also have health issues which change my body dramatically and quickly (severe crohn's) I can go from a size 6, gaunt and ill to a size 12 with moon face after a month of high dose steroids. I have an ileostomy bag, many, many scars and it has been impossible for us to have sex for months at a time. As I'm sure you can understand with your health issues, that can be so hard to mentally process and to accept! My husbands support has been vital for me to accept that this is my body, this is what it does and that I am attractive no matter what size I am. I can't imagine how low you must feel going through health issues without this support, and you want to go through a pregnancy with him? That seems insane.

You deserve someone who loves you for you, you wants the same things you do, and does not see you as some object for him to enjoy when you are his ideal size!

BigBaubledBertha · 29/12/2013 03:08

Its not weight you need to lose but a husband!

Seriously, how can you have any respect for a man that shallow? Who cares if he doesn't fancy you? I can't imagine you fancy him much either. He sounds horrible. Have some self respect and leave him. I reckon you'll be glad you did even if the leaving isn't pleasant. After all can you really see yourself putting up with this for another 40+ years? If he is like this after 2 yrs of marriage he isn't a keeper.

SongYee · 29/12/2013 04:07

He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who did an involuntary shudder while reading that.

OP, I'm bigger than you, have stretch marks, a gross post-csection stomach and hairy legs and my DH still loves me and finds me attractive. Because that's what a normal, healthy marriage looks like. Not placing unrealistic conditions on someone for your own selfish desires.

Longdistance · 29/12/2013 04:17

He sounds more shallow than a puddle.

Enjoy your body? Wft? He doesn't own you.

LTB, LTB, LTB.

That is all.

ChineseFireball · 29/12/2013 04:28

"Enjoy your body"? WTF? Sounds like a twat. I think you should tell him to fuck off.

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