Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

[atacrossrossroads]

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable.

Another one where the OP doesn't come back? MN Bingo or overwhelmed by the comments? Always so hard to tell...

Lose 13 stone, ditch the twat who will just be a complete and utter bastard if you do ever have children.

Another shudder here at enjoy your body.
(Imagining a Mexican wave of shudders running through the country)

He is sounds like a complete bellend.
Seriously, this is not a person who could support you through childbirth and new baby stages.

You sound lovely, and deserve much better.

You need to leave him now and find someone worth spending your life and having a family with. There is nothing wrong with your body you do not need to lose weight he is just an abusive arsehole who thinks women exists purely to look sexy for him. There are thousands of men out there that would love you for who you are, but not this misogynistic dickhead.

Using having children as a bargaining tool is sick. Please don't let him knock yourself esteem, you are better than this.

Evan if you were to lose the weight, he still would not be ready to have kids with you. He is, simply not ready to grow up yet (or at all). Some men (or excuses for men) are like that. Women stay with them ing after they could have have kids and the guy never changes his mind. Dump him and you may well find someone that loves you for who you are and is thrilled at the thought of having chiidren with you.

My maths may be off, but you got together with him when he was 19/very early 20's and you were 24/mid-twenties? I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like he ever really grew up.

I was expecting you to say you were morbidly obese or something from the title of your post, but a size 14 is nothing! (I'm a 14 and yes I could do with losing 2 stone & toning up as I feel a blob at the moment, but put me in clothes and you'd never think I was overweight).

I know the avalanche of LTB must be very difficult to hear, but seriously, do not invest your future with a man who isn't there for you when you need him, tries to damage your self-esteem and gives you no pleasure even when he does deign to have sex with you.

"...Men who only fancy very thin women are usually closet gay"

....OK then.

Anyway, the man is entitled to want what he wants and feel what he does. You however don't have to put up with it when it challenges who you are. YOU need to decide to own YOUR own life, one way or another.

Also, ask yourself: If I'm clearly not what he wants, why the hell is he sticking around?... Is it love?... Is it control?... Is it practicality?

Why isn't HE deciding to jump ship?

I usually find it difficult to judge and give advice anyone elses relatioships as nobodys are perfect, but in this case i feel really upset for you.. You do need to end it now before you have children.

He sounds really immature tbh (thats coming from someone who keeps getting told im immature on here), 14 is not fat at all i was that size pre kids and i can tell you now i think most men would prefer that size. A man who loves you and respects you wouldnt care if you have put weight on or not, im an 18 now but have been bigger and ive never once had any nasty cmment off my DH, he knows ive not been happy and ive had nothing but encouragement off him. He made 1 little petty comment years ago and i went mad he never said anything again.

I hope you make the right decision i know its hard but trust me it will only get worse

Unfortunately, you already have a child. A very large one. Trust me, you don't want to TTC with this man.

"A size 14 for a woman your age is overweight"

WTF?? I didn't know you had to be a certain weight at a certain age?

What an idiotic thing to say.

This man will destroy all that you are if you let him, OP. He's messed up inside and will never be able to make you happy nor allow you to make him happy. He will then make any children you have unhappy too and I know you wouldn't want that for them.

The worst thing about this is that your esteem is so low right now, you're second-guessing yourself. I read upthread that other posters have had boyfriends like this in their lives; I did too and it resulted in an eating disorder that I still struggle with every day.

Don't give this 'man' a single day more of your time than you must. Work out how to leave your marriage and get some legal advice and RL support to make it happen. New Year, new start - and no miserable excuse for a partner.

Wishing you well.

olathelawyer... Why isn't HE leaving? That's the easiest question in the world to answer. He isn't leaving because he wants to control the OP, he needs to do that because he has so much missing from his own character and personality.

My boyfriend had a bad relationship with his dad and it made him behave badly and in a controlling way with me. My esteem was low and I didn't spot it in time, then it became normal. It only changed when I eventually realised that I would be happier alone than with him and I made it change. I told him to never contact me again (he tried, because he didn't want to relinquish control of his servant) but by then I was done. What a waste of eight years though.

This man will never change.

Your relationship is certainly at a crisis. He probably feels he has been 'honest' but whatever he meant, you have been unbelievably hurt. If you really want to give the marriage a final try, or at least have an amicable end, this course was well written up in the papers yesterday and has good support behind it. I say this not because I believe you should be with him (and I'm an atheist) but because your confidence has been so crushed by all this. I think you need to know, before you head out into your new life, that you are absolutely fine as you are, and that is more likely to mean something if you hear it from him. There is also just a sliver of a chance that things ARE rescuable - but only if there is such a fundamental change that it amounts to a new marriage. That's not going to happen by itself.

OP what was the cause of your weight gain and were you 55kg when you married?

It doesn't matter what weight the OP is. I think that the only way to make this person realise the effect on you is to leave him. How he really feels will be determined by how hard he fights to have you back.

To be honest it sounds as if you would be better off without him. Do you want him affecting your child's confidence as he has yours?

He wants to enjoy your body before you have children?

That is really creepy. It is dehumanising.

you are a person. Not a body for him to sink his dick into.

and newsflash for him
people get old.
they get wrinkles.
saggy.
middle aged spread.
stretchmarks.
scars
grey hairs... everywhere.

they can also become very ill, or disabled, or have an accident that leaves them with a visible injury.

when you love someone, you know this and it doesnt matter. Because you want a life with the person.

doesnt sound like this man has unconditional love for you as the person he wants to grow old with.

a relative of mine got married and a few months later, her husband was in a terrible accident and needed round the clock care for the rest of his life. She cared for him for 20 years until sadly he died. THAT is love. THAT is how you treat the person you love if they are ill, injured or disabled.

People commenting on the OP's weight should read her OP carefully.

In my 16 years with my DH I have been over a very similar weight range to you, OP. I was about 67kg when we met (size 12/14), to a slim 52kg (size 8/10) when I got really fit and was doing triathlons/marathons to my current 78kg (size 14/16).

DH has found me equally attractive and desirable at each size. I feel like an unattractive lump at the moment, but not so according to DH.

This man sees you as a possession, your body there for his entertainment.

Run, run like the wind. Count your blessings that he didn't agree to children so that you can make a clean break.

Find a real man who loves you for who you are inside. You deserve so much more.

And LividofLondon - I fail to see the relevance of your question.

Tell him to piss off. You can do better.

He is not good enough for you. Sounds incrdibly selfish and mean.

Do you REALLY want him to be the father of your children.

Run a mile.

Leave. Now. Seriously, he is a wanker and you deserve better

"And LividofLondon - I fail to see the relevance of your question"

I asked because much as it's seen as insensitive and politically incorrect to find fat unattractive, I also realise that to many people it's a turn off. I also think that when you get married you should aim not to change too much, either physically or mentally (aside from changes that can't be helped obviously) unless your partner places no importance on looks. I think it's unfair to stop giving a shit about your appearance once you're committed to someone, and I wouldn't expect a partner to find me as physically attractive if I'd suddenly gone up a few dress sizes. I also think this is applicable to both men and women BTW.

However, if I did put on a lot of weight I would expect my partner to be sensitive and not be a complete wanker like the OPs partner, and I don't think she should stay with him. He sounds really unsupportive and uncaring, and she definitely shouldn't have children with him.

There's only one thing worse than never having children, and that's having children with an abusive, misogynist bastard like this.

He is secretly delighted by your ill health and weight gain - they give him things to shame and demean and undermine you with, so he can control and abuse you. He knows that out society makes people feel ashamed of being poorly, and makes women feel ashamed of not being skinny (even if they are actually a normal size), and he can use this to his advantage. You can say I'm talking rubbish if you want, but no normal, decent, non-abusive man would treat you this way.

You have learnt to make excuses to try to rationalise his unacceptable behaviour to you. Being younger than you, or slimmer, or anything at all, is no excuse. My Dh is 10 years younger than me, and we had no problems working out when to have children. He wanted children with me, so becoming a father in his late 20s (which wasn't necessarily his plan before we met) was 100 x better than becoming a father with anyone else, at a later stage. I also had a terrible pg, with lots of complications, during and after, involving total bed rest, and lots of medication, which has seen my weight go up 6 stone. I bloody hate what I look like, but my - skinny, gorgeous - DH has not made one negative comment, nor acted any diferently towards me. In fact, when I have been low about my weight, I have tried to goad him into saying he finds me less attractive, and he won't. Whether this is the truth or gallantry, the point is, good men do not treat women the way your OH does.

Getting pregnant by this man ensures that you will be creating future victims of mental and emotional abuse who will be damaged horribly by having a father like him who treats their mother like shit. To even get pregnant by him means you will have failed that theoretical baby. Think of it that way.

LividofLondon
Do read the OP. It's not really about the weight.

Among many things, he's ok to be pleasured, but not to give back.

Do you really think the problem is that he doesn't find her attractive any longer?

Livid. It's not 'politically incorrect' it's just plain incorrect. Look around you and see that people of all shapes and sizes are in relationships so tbh there clearly are a hell of a lot people that fancy fat people. Not that the op is even overweight.
Personally I wouldn't marry someone that had your attitude. If a partner expected me not to change my own body to suit them then they obviously don't see me as my own person, just an object to look at.