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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

266 replies

atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 01:42

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. Blush He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable. Sad

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/12/2013 04:31

Ewwwwwwww. enjoy your body

How much does he weigh? You'll feel a lot lighter when you've shaken him off.

You do not want this in your life, constantly feeling you are not good enough in some way.

He has a cruel streak.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 04:38

Shock Oh. My. God.

You need to leave this man. and I almost NEVER say that.

Let me spell this out for you, as it seems you are having trouble seeing what's in front of your own eyes.

You are a size 14 - hardly a great white whale. The size thing is a red herring. He's a shallow, vain arse who does not love you, and he is too lazy/scared to leave. Probably because you are a bit older and you mother him, or take care of things financially.

He is taking his frustration out by being spiteful and emotionally abusive to you, probably in the hope that you will leave him instead, so he doesn't have to look like the bad guy.

He is never making love to you willingly and you've only been married for 2 years. He's still in his 20's so this is REALLY not normal. He does not love you.

I think he is almost certainly sleeping with someone else.

He is using you occasionally for sexual gratification but it's a cold, clinical one-sided arrangement and he gives nothing at all back, and you no longer share a room. You may as well be a prostitute. This man does not love you.

You have endo and some pre-cancerous issues. You are already in your thirties. You are putting up with this appalling shit because you think you might be running out of time to find someone else to have children with, but you sure as hell are not going to have any children with him - he is making sure of that by withholding intercourse, because he does not love you and will not allow himself to become 'trapped' by you.

You need to see the truth and leave him immediately. Make 2014 the year you stop being a victim and take charge.

mrsspagbol · 29/12/2013 05:46

"If he can't support you through health issues and a changing body shape then for the love of god do not have a child with this man."

^^
This.

Seriously.

sleepywombat · 29/12/2013 05:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sammie101 · 29/12/2013 05:57

LTB LTB LTB!!!

Confused
MeMySonAndI · 29/12/2013 06:02

Ok, it seems he has fallen out of love. Nothing you can do to bring that back, even loosing weight won't solve the problem. The weight complaints are an excuse.

I agree, you should leave. If the attraction is gone, is gone. And without it, you are no longer a couple.

buttercrumble · 29/12/2013 06:25

OMG get rid right now , you sound like a lovely person and deserve a million times better

BohemianGirl · 29/12/2013 06:33

The best weight you can lose is 13 stone of husband.

Geckos48 · 29/12/2013 06:37

I am waaay bigger than you and really thought you would be talking about a much bigger weight gain.

Size 14 is a lovely size, I would adore to be a 14!

Leave this man and find someone who will find you sexually attractive, I promise there will be lots!

twolittlebundles · 29/12/2013 06:40

If this is his attitude now, and you think in any way that it will improve, or that you can change him, be very, very clear on this: it will not improve, and you cannot change him. Leave and don't look back.

arfishy · 29/12/2013 06:44

He doesn't sound like the sort of man you would want to have children with. If he's like this now what will he be like when you're pregnant/sleepless nights/children to worry about. It will be all about him while you're run ragged.

It sounds like he's either too young and immature for a child or is just an arse (or possibly both). Either way it doesn't sound like he loves and cherishes you.

Really, take it from people who have learned the hard way that adding a child into a marriage like this will not be the experience you are hoping for.

notoneforselfies · 29/12/2013 06:45

Eww. What a vile human being. LTB pronto. Be thankful for the opportunity to 'see the light' and escape before you have children with him. Someone that abusive would not a good father make. So sorry for you going through this. Be strong.

Jenijena · 29/12/2013 06:55

You deserve better than this, your children deserve better than this.

(From a size 18 with an adoring - 'normal sized' husband(

TheGreatHunt · 29/12/2013 06:55

Honestly? This will get worse. There are so many things wrong here.

What happens if you lose weight then have kids? You'll get bigger when pregnant and may end up with scars/stretch marks etc...

What happens if your pregnancy is complicated and you need extra medical help? Will he be there for you? Unlikely.

What happens when baby is here and you're dealing with nights etc? Will he be there for you?

If you want children, that's not a reason to stay. He would be an awful role model for your children. Plus parenting is hard and he doesn't sound up to it.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 07:04

To be honest even if you went down to a size 8 overnight, I don't think he would behave any differently. Don't waste any time and emotional/mental energy working to find out. Just leave. Seriously.

Ohfuckeryitsmarzipan · 29/12/2013 07:07

You already have a child,but this one is never going to grow up.
You know what to do.

Lizzabadger · 29/12/2013 07:15

Ltb immediately. Never, under any circumstances, have kids with him.

Strawberrykisses · 29/12/2013 07:21

He's a cunt. Leave him. If I was a 14 I'd be thrilled!

JoanRanger · 29/12/2013 07:26

You won't lose an opportunity to have kids, you'll lose an unsupportive twunt who makes you hate yourself.

mumtosome61 · 29/12/2013 07:30

What a massive dickhead. Sorry, but he is. You've had periods of illness, which may (or may not) have contributed to weight gain and instead of supporting you, he's told you what HE WANTS? Leave him. Find someone who appreciates you regardless of whether you gain or lose 20 freaking kilos. If you were grossly overweight and ill because of it, I get that; I was 7 stone heavier at the start of the year.

But guess what? My boyfriend loved me regardless. He knew I was unhappy and he knew that only I could change my weight - he was supportive and kind and never pressured me (my weight gain was illness). He gained weight too - hell, we all gain and lose weight in our lifetimes. Does he expect you to maintain a gruelling size eight figure for his needs?

Go and find someone who will support you but encourage you instead of making you feel like shit. And feel sorry for this buttache - he'll be hard pressed to find someone who can maintain their body shape continuously (and I bet he will get fatter too).

Southsearocks · 29/12/2013 07:32

You are sleeping in separate rooms because he says you are too fat to have sex with. What an absolute charmer. Believe me (because I had a bf like this a long time ago) this is about him, not you. I've never said it on here before but ltb and give yourself the opportunity to meet a man who loves you.

Lazyjaney · 29/12/2013 07:33

So often you see people who Several have years of being with an unsuitable partner, then have kids, then come one here with all sorts of problems. Don't be one of those.

This is probably also more about him not being ready for kids than your weight.

uptheanty · 29/12/2013 07:36

I agree with everything said by mostly everyone who has posted Sad
I feel very angry that you appear to be slightly brainwashed by your dh's lack of respect for you.

It is NOT your fault that he treats you this way.

Dh being young, handsome or you putting on weight is NOT a reason for this man to treat you this way.

He is a cruel man. LTB

Do it quick so you can live your life the way you deserve to.

Personally i would quite like 5 minutes in a room alone with him on your behalf.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 29/12/2013 07:39

So here we are all waiting for the OP to come back and tell us exactly how she plans to kick this utter twat to the kerb and get on with her life. Where are you OP? I do hope you have not been reading all the replies and are now busy sticking your fingers in your ears and telling yourself that he's not that bad really, and you must have made him sound worse than he really is?

If you want to grow old, lonely and childless then stay right where you are. Because this guy is going to keep you dangling for a few more years, wasting all the child bearing time you have, and then when you've been well and truly emotionally chewed up and spat out he will leave you for someone else and get her PG immediately. I would put money on it.

Sadoldbag · 29/12/2013 08:11

You do know op that you can adopt ALONE

He is a ??

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