Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

[atacrossrossroads]

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable.

Thants, the OP is overweight, and is far heavier than when she met her DP.
My attitude is that I am very visually stimulated during sex, have had relationships with many men of all shapes and sizes and now know that a huge part of my sexual enjoyment is lost when the man is fat. I simply do not like the look or feel of fat. When I was with a man who piled the fat on (due to a crap diet and not giving a shit TBH) I never stopped loving him, never mentioned it, never changed how I treated him, but I did stop lusting after him.

I've read the OP and agree that it's far more about his attitude than her weight gain, but I refuse to ignore that it plays a part. He's a twat though and, as I said, she should leave him.

Ok so don't have relationships with humans livid. Because humans change, they age, get ill, have children.

No, we don't know that the OP is fat, because she hasn't said how tall she is, which is key to it, not her age.

Not that any of it's relevant, however, as she needs to seriously re-think her relationship if she's with someone who views her as she's reported.

RUN FOR THE HILLS.....what a twat.

"Ok so don't have relationships with humans livid. Because humans change, they age, get ill, have children"
I did say "aside from changes that can't be helped obviously" which would include aging (although that is no excuse; our metabolisms slow as we age and we lose muscle mass, but we don't have to pile on fat!), getting ill, and having children (although that in itself isn't an excuse to keep stone upon stone of "baby weight" for the rest of your life)

The weight issue is a red herring, is it not?

He sounds uncaring, self-centred and cruel.

If the OP were a size 8 I wager he'd find something else to put her down with.

OP?

Original poster = atacrossroads

Livid people pile on the weight for all sorts of complex reasons, and actually, it's rarely because they 'don't give a crap.'

You may not find plumpness especially attractive in a partner, but there is seriously something wrong with you if it the the most important thing in your relationship is that your partner, the love of your life, the person you most respect and like and who makes you feel happier and more secure than all others, can only maintain that status by remaining eternally thin.

That would make you a strange, shallow, insecure and not terribly likeable person. It would be like only loving your child if they turned out pretty.

You could be involved in a terrible car accident tomorrow, and end up on steroids as part of your recovery that bloat you to three times your size. That is exactly what happened to someone I know. But she was still the same person, with the same values.

The thing is, if that happened to you your values clearly suck, so what would you have left?

livid thankfully we aren't all as shallow as you otherwise as we all age, we'd be looking at people younger than our partners and not finding them attractive for who they are.

FullOfDreadAboutThis [sigh] As I've already said (twice), "aside from changes that can't be helped obviously" Being in an accident and going on steroids obviously falls into that category, OK? Eating more junk food than you need for example (as was the case of the man I mentioned) doesn't. If someone I loved was disfigured in an accident I wouldn't stop loving them OK? If I had a less than pretty child it wouldn't matter, OK?

Oh livid you just don't get it do you? There are so many reasons why people gain weight and they are all equally valid. Emotional/mental/physical health are all equally significant. It is incredibly difficult for a 3rd party to determine the exact cause of someone's weight gain and therefore decide if it can be helped or not. I'm not sure you've really thought this through

I'm not advocating or condoning obesity, I'm just stating it is rarely as simple as just eating too much junk food!
(Just before someone thinks otherwise I am not saying size 14 is obese)

LTB

i am a size 14. I have just shown this thread to my DP, and he is disgusted.

This man (term used loosely) does NOT love you OP.

He is cruel and I suspect you cannot see it.

Please come back. Please listen to these wise ladies on here. Nobody is saying these things to be nasty to you love x

I just checked back and overwhelmed by how many messages have already been posted. Thank you.

I spent the whole day today eating healthily and i have started using an app to track my weight too. I went out today and bought new running shoes to prepare myself to be healthier.. for me. not for anyone else.

I spoke with husband and he clarified further that he wanted to focus on our relationship and try to work on spending more time together and to try and do more together to work on us. I thought that this was a good idea (but still doesn't help with my original problem... )

I just spoke with DH and asked to go to a restaurant to break the routine as we don't normally do that and he just said "I don't see why. Why do you want to go out? Do you feel we don't have nice food at home? Shall we cook together instead?" I was really stunned. I have never had to explain why a woman should be taken out or why a couple need to go out for dinner sometimes...

He was affectionate with me kissing and hugging me all day and trying to show me he loves me and is possibly sorry...??? But I feel like he says he wants to work on us but then given an opportunity just let's me down.

I do love my husband and it hurts to read the comments left because I am portraying only one side of him here in this forum. I feel guilty about sharing my 'dirty laundry' but i feel desperate to talk to someone.

I don't want to give up but I keep facing walls that he puts up each time.

I have just scrolled back and read some messages I missed...

My weight is 71.4kg and my height is 5 foot 4 inch = 163cm

I eat healthily most of the time and i admit I snack on chocolate in moments when I feel low. I also run / row probably much much less than I should.

Look, it's the 'putting up walls' thing that is worrying, not your weight.
By all means change your diet/cut out junk food/exercise more - all of this will make you feel better about yourself.
I don't think that it will change your DH though.

OP please ignore the weight issue and listen to what the wise posters have said about having a child with this man. Please don't bring a child into this relationship.

Really...truly the problem is NOT your weight.

I'm really glad that you're embarking on a healthier lifestyle, it will be really good for your self confidence and help to empower you.

You've been through lots recently and you're obviously not ready to deal with the reality of your marriage.

You can always come here for support

I don't like your DH very much... Despite your protests. I would still like 5 minutes in a room alone with him.

I hope you can find the strength you need sooner rather than later.

I don't want to be a pushy wife about children because i know it only pushes the person away.

I also don't know how to handle the situation at hand with the lack of attention and love / romance. My weight isn't how i love my body to look so i am going to do something positive about it for me but a part of me feels like 'is it really for you? Are you just doing this because you want to work on your relationship or to please DH in order to have children.....'

i hadn't realised why i used to snack until i read some comments and just realised perhaps this has been going on longer than i thought and it has been going downhill without me realising it..

I eat because i feel I feel low and have nothing to dress up for. If I felt cherished and like we had more of a relationship outside of our home i think it would really help to see each other in a different light.

Atacrossroads, he's just dangling carrots in front of you so that you don't leave him, while putting barriers and putting you down.

Your OP made me feel sick.

Enjoy your body more? I am all for couples enjoying each others body but he seems to think he own yours. He is also crap in bed and too self absorbed to notice you aren't having a great time.

What are you doing with this twat?

Livid so it's the motive that bothers you? Because I'd say the outcome is the same whether one is larger due to overeating or medication for example the person still looks substandard in your opinion. I think your relationships must be very hollow.
People don't need an 'excuse' as you put it to gain weight. If someone decides not to lose weight that is entirely up to them. No one needs to lose baby weight if they don't want to or find it very difficult. It's not up to you to demonise them!

You're missing the point many people have tried to make here OP- this is not an issue for YOU to fix. It's great that you want to become more healthy, but having a DH who holds you to ransom over your weight and health is not a healthy situation to be in- for either of you. His behaviour (as you have described it), is controlling and narcissistic.

See if you recognise his behaviour described here

Being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour is a recipe for destroying your own mental health.

Op there is nothing wrong with your body. You don't need to justify yourself to your husband or the nasty posters on this thread.

I think you need to read your own OP again.