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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

266 replies

atacrossrossroads · 29/12/2013 01:42

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. Blush He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable. Sad

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 29/12/2013 08:32

I'd be prepared to bet he doesn't have that much of an issue with the weight gain, but that he knows the OP does. If the weight magically cleared up he'd find another excuse. He just wants to keep a woman running around anxiously after him, thinking about what he wants all the time. He's such a stereotype.

Run away, run away.

rabbitlady · 29/12/2013 08:36

yes, leave him. good advice from mumsnet. get some counselling, too.

LovesBaublingTheTreeAgain · 29/12/2013 08:36

When a man tells you what he is like listen, he said he is selfish and boy is he right. Get outta there now.

MurderOfGoths · 29/12/2013 08:37

Run, run like the wind!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 29/12/2013 08:38

Fucking hell. I don't usually get involved in relationship threads but seriously, get the hell out now. You really really do not want to inflict this arsehole on innocent children, never mind yourself. You deserve so so much better than this wankstain. Get out now.

OnGoldenPond · 29/12/2013 08:43

Please come back and let us know you have taken all this good advice on board OP!

I know your confidence must be very low right now due to your idiot husband's cruelty. That is a deliberate policy on his part. You need to know that he is so wrong. You are a lovely woman with a lot to offer. You have plenty of time to meet a man who will love and cherish both you AND a baby.

But only if you leave this dreadful marriage now.

picnicbasketcase · 29/12/2013 08:47

That'll be another LTB from me.

Selfish prick.

PenguinsDontEatStollen · 29/12/2013 08:48

I am not sure I have ever said this before, but I think you need to leave him.

He sees your body (and by extension, you) as his possession. 'He' wants to 'enjoy' it - not the two of you mutually enjoying sex. He wants your body in a condition that suits him.

You need to leave, whilst you still have plenty of time to find a decent man with whom to have the kids you want.

Sleepwhenidie · 29/12/2013 08:50

Believe me OP, even if you lost the weight and looked like Miranda Kerr, this guy would still find ways to criticise and destroy your confidence. He doesn't love you and the truth is that he just doesn't want DC's (with you at least). My first LTB Sad

perplexedpirate · 29/12/2013 08:57

Lose 13ish stone in one day!
By ditching this twat.
Fwiw, DH is 6 years younger than me and we have always been 'on the same page'. So that too is bollocks.

PicardyThird · 29/12/2013 09:00

My dh has put on weight over the years we've been together (no health issues). He's slightly, but not very overweight, still reasonably fit, but his body isn't quite as attractive as it was. I do now and again talk to him about getting fit, but mainly because I am worried about his health as we are no longer very young and most of the extra weight is around his middle. I don't withhold sex and we enjoy it as much as ever - that is, we enjoy each other. The idea of demanding he be a certain shape - or him demanding it of me; I'm slim but I do have a tummy since having children - so we could 'enjoy' each other

I'm so sorry, but it really wouldn't be a good idea to have children with this man, and as you know you want children and are early 30s it is time to get out. And tbh, even if you didn't want them it would be a shame to waste any more of your one precious life on someone who doesn't seem to see you as quite fully human.

TobyLerone · 29/12/2013 09:05

One more to add to the unanimous chorus of "LTB"!

manticlimactic · 29/12/2013 09:11

Can you imagine what he's going to be like after you have children and he can't 'enjoy your body' OP?

Back2Two · 29/12/2013 09:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

SmallBee · 29/12/2013 09:15

Just... Wow. Tell him to fucking fuck the flying fuck off. The fucker.
To start with, if he's not supportive of you medically already I don't see how you can expect him to be of any help during your pregnancy and labour and trust me, you'll want some help & moral support.
Secondly, my post pregnancy body is so curvy I'd say there's no curves left for anyone else, I have them all. If he doesn't love your curves now he won't after you've had a baby.
Add into that the fact he isn't ready for kids and I would be thinking about finding someone else to have my children.
Sorry :(

giraffesCantSledge · 29/12/2013 09:21

He sounds vile.

And what about when you are pregnant and have stretch marks etc? Whaat will he think then?

Seriously you are better leaving and adopting/fostering alone or having a baby by sperm donor than with this wanker.

And did I read you give him sexual pleasure?! Like a duty, then he rolls over and that is it?

Oh you are worth more than this twat.

giraffesCantSledge · 29/12/2013 09:22

How will he feel about boobs with milk in them?

Look for someone else!

Sisterelephant · 29/12/2013 09:26

Oh dear.

In the 4 years I've been with my dp I've put on about a stone, never has he commented or said anything, he finds me very sexually attractive. I put on 3 stone during pregnancy and have lost 2 so far, I'm taking my time as I want it to stay off. My Dp still finds me sexy.

I'm not boasting but simply letting you know that if he loved you these things wouldn't be an issue. He is a twat and you deserve better. How do you think he'll be if you lost weight and then put it all on during pregnancy????

LTB. Don't waste anymore of your time with him.

bungmean · 29/12/2013 09:33

Leave.

Don't take any risks with your fertility on account of this man. Don't waste any more time.

If he can't cope with your perfectly healthy size 14 body now, he is going to be an absolute c* nt when it comes to a post preg body. Nor does t sound like he'll cope with taking a back seat to children.

He sounds very emotionally abusive. I wouldn't be giving him children to abusive too.

Xfirefly · 29/12/2013 09:36

basically what everyone else has said. its very hard to hear OP but this man is a selfish, shallow and immature idiot. he's not loving you for you but rather how you look.

I have big self esteem issues also but that isn't from dp. I was size 8/10 when I met him 7 years ago and now I'm a size 14 post child. I've got stretch marks, surgical scar and a big wobbly belly but my DP loves me the same. he said he actually loves the post pregnancy me as it reminds him of what I went through for our DD.

he encourages me to lose weight because he knows I want to do it. he said he doesn't care either way.

you need to get that confidence back and tell him where to goThanks Thanks

ROARmeow · 29/12/2013 09:36

I agree with everyone else.

Hope you're ok, OP.

JingleJoo · 29/12/2013 09:39

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS ARSEHOLE!

BumPop · 29/12/2013 09:41

OK, let's imagine you do lose weight (not that it sounds like you need to), does that mean you will have mutually satisfying sex as a couple or he will simply allow you to service him more regularly? Not a huge incentive in my opinion, but let's go with it. Hmm

He then grudgingly agrees to try for a baby. So you get pregnant and guess what, you put on weight. So instead of focusing on your lovely body growing a beautiful baby, you're worrying about your weight, again. If all goes to plan you then have a lovely baby but instead of relishing in those wonderful snuggly first few months, you're being hassled cos you're fat. Angry Angry Angry

This is the very best scenario I can see for you. Surely you would tell a friend that they deserve better than that. SO DO YOU!

RollerCola · 29/12/2013 09:43

This must be quite overwhelming for you op, you are after all seriously considering having a child with this man. It must be very difficult to realise how others see him after what you've told us.

But it's true, he's a very nasty man. And although this may sound harsh, your body now is probably the best it'll be for a long time if you have babies in the future. He's already given you a complex, but after a couple of babies you'll probably have all sorts of extra wobbles and jubbly bits. That's what happens.

All good partners don't care. They bury their faces in wobbly tummies and tell you they love you regardless. Will your man do this?

Hope you're ok, please come back and tell us how you are. We can help you understand this and help you decide what to do.

PacificDingbat · 29/12/2013 09:47

I have rarely seen such consensus on MN Grin.

atacrossroads, this cannot be easy to read, but I agree with everything other posters have said.
He is unkind, selfish and cruel - not the kind of many to have children with.

Fwiw, my DH is 4 years younger than me, we only got married when I was 31. I am a size 16 14. If he ever spoke to me like yours has done to you, yes, I'd be v upset, but I'd also be off.
Would you allow a friend to speak to you like this? He is meant to be your 'best' friend and it's not how he's acting.