Husband won't have children and sex with me until i lose weight

[atacrossrossroads]

This is my first post...

ISSUE: he doesn't want to have children yet because he says he isn't ready. I have questioned him about starting a family over the last 1.5 years on and he has said it is because he is not ready for kids yet because he wants to be selfish and enjoy a hassle free life before introducing anyone else into our life. He said he wants me to lose weight so he can enjoy my body before we have children.

I give him sexual pleasure regularly but find I get nothing at all. He said he doesn't feel sexual excited by me any more as i have put on a lot of weight. He sees that i am not losing weight (despite trying to) and this puts him off me. I have tried to have sex with him on several occassions and sometimes it works and he's interested, only if it has been a month+ and he is horny but usually it is not intercourse....

My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him after him repeatedly telling me about my weight and directly tying this in with my desire to have a child. So we are sleeping in different rooms for now.... I don't know what to do.

*I'm in my early 30s, husband is 5 years younger.
*We've been together 6 years married for 2 yrs
*My weight was 55kg dress size 8 when we met and now 72kg dress size 14
*husband is 5 years younger than myself, very attractive and affectionate

I have had health complications over the last few years and I have always felt that he wasn't fully there to support me (not coming with me to the hospital and just not knowing what to say and being distracted when I talk about my feelings about my operations).
endometriosis and recently had cervical pre-cancerous cells removed

I understand that being 5 years younger means we're never going to agree on a perfect time for life changing events but I really feel ready for children and have felt this way over the last 1.5years. There needs to be a compromise but I always feel like he makes all the decisions (big and small) in our relationship and has the final word on things. I constantly feel hopeless and just waiting around for him to be ready before we can do anything.

My health complications have scared me a lot as I have conditions that will affect me being able to conceive. I don't want to wait and risk losing an opportunity by just chancing it until I am 35 onwards...

Now I am not sure about the future of our relationship as it is not just about children.. he doesn't feel attracted to me and I feel like my self-esteem is hurt. Is our relationship so on the surface? I feel miserable.

Ltb. As fast as you can!

Leave. This relationship is not a foundation for family life. He sounds misogynistic, bullying and abusive. Get out quick.

I have fertility issues too and wasted time on a useless (in different ways) man. I painfully regret this.

He sounds awful.

Do you actually want to lose weight? Or are you happy with your size now? (aside from his horrible behaviour) I think that is something you should consider, I also think you would find it easier to lose weight if you weren't constantly being criticised by a a childish, selfish man.

And yes, it is likely you will gain weight when/if you get pregnant. Many do, I went from a size 8 to a 16. But crucially, my DH loves me whatever I look like & has absolutely supported me to lose the weight, or not, as I wanted/needed/was able to.

I will go a little against the grain here.... I don't think you should stay with him because he has knocked your confidence, he could have been more tactful.
However, I do think it's important to put some effort in your appearance and your health. A size 14 for woman your age is overweight.

A size 14 is overweight??!!

If you have a child with this man, you will have to see him pretty much every weekend (at least) for the the next 18 years. I'd get out now. I had a crappy ex-H who was borderline alcoholic borderline EA, and the best thing I ever did was to leave him. I am happily married to a wonderful man now who loves me and my body, whether I am a size 10 (wedding) or size 18 (post baby, now back down to a 14). Don't let him ruin your life.

Time - That is rubbish. Size 14 is not automatically overweight. I am reasonably tall and a size 12-14 and 72kg is well within what the NHS would consider a healthy weight. The OP hasn't given her height, so we can't know. Even if the OP is slightly overweight by clinical definitions, it has naff all to do with her partner's behaviour towards her and therefore very little relevance to her post. She's not asking whether her partner is being unreasonable by suggesting they go on a fitness kick for the new year together, for example.

Timetoask has outed herself as Samantha Brick.

"A size 14 is overweight??!!"

It obviously depends on height but, on the whole, yes. If the OP has put on 2 stone 4lbs, it is not an insignificant amount. I have seen other threads where women are saying that they no longer find a man attractive as he has put on weight and they garner a lot of sympathy. In my first five years after graduating, I went from about 62kgs to 75kgs. I was fat and, to many people, unattractive. I worked hard to lose the weight and have kept myself to a healthy weight since.

Yes, the OP's husband has been tactless but the OP should lose weight, if only for herself. It amazes me the consensus saying gaining 30% body weight is not really significant.

That is not really to do with the relationship aspect, however people cannot help what they do and don't "fancy". They can have basic tact, though.

Health concerns due to weight and reciprocal attractiveness between partners is something you should discuss together if it's an issue with kindness love and support.

Not supporting the op through health scares, pleasuring himself and rejecting op, telling op he wants to "enjoy her body" as it used to be and relegating them both to seperate bedrooms has F* all to do with op's weight.

Its because he's an emotionally abusive twat and its appalling that anyone would try to validate his behaviour.

I suggest you lose about 12 stone of useless man and get a partner who loves you

Just adding my voice here: LTB, the mans an absolute wanker.

You need to lose 12 stone of ugly fat - HIM! Please leave him and find someone that will love you as you are. I passed through a size 14 on my way to where I am now but it makes no difference to my marriage. My DH is fat sometimes and not others but it makes literally zero difference to the way I see him or am attracted to him. He is him and I love him the way he is and, it seems, vice versa. Get rid, you are worth way more than this.

This is about you.

Why have children with a man who does not love you? Since when was a size 14 fat?

He has made this easy for you. You do not need him, you need someone who appreciates you.

I knew many of you would not agree with me regarding the overweight comment. (I am not Samantha B. by a long run!). I just like to be honest.
OP has put on plenty of weight in just a few years. All I am saying is that it is not healthy, and she needs to look after herself. However, I do agree that her husband is being nasty. I went through a phase of eating too much and putting on far too much weight (all under control now), but DH was not nasty about it, he did however encourage me to do something about it, but in a tactful manner.

I have read threads on mum sent about women saying that they don't find their overweight husbands attractive anymore. We all know that our physical appearance will not remain the same for ever, it would be ridiculous to expect that, but we should aim to try and keep as well as possible.

Just to add to the clarion cry of LTB I have watched a close school friend go through very similar and if she could roll back time she bloody well would have gone long long ago!

She is intelligent, has a very desirable career which she's top level at and makes a lot of money, she is stunningly beautiful and had a house like something out of Vogue interiors. In her 20s she got with a bloke, a few years younger, really fancied himself etc etc.

They were together over a decade. In that time she put on a lot of weight (was still very beautiful but she wasn't happy about it but wasn't happy with her life so it was bloody hard to do anything about it). All this time she waiting for the marriage and the baby. She loves children and made all this clear. He kept stalling - not ready, wanted to travel, wanted to wait til next year etc. THEN dropped bombshell (after 10 years!) he never wants children and won't ever change mind!!

She's devestated and relationship deteriorates rapidly....

Roll forward another year and turns out he's having an affair (bad enough) but with a woman with 2 kids.

I can't put into words what this did to her.

My life is on paper a mess (divorced, poor, wild lids lol) but I'm happy (most of the time!!).

She sobs to me that her life is nothing because on her eyes he robbed her of her 20s and 30s and its too late now for her to meet someone else to have a family with. The relationship has destroyed her. Physically, mentally, in every way.

You have ONE life. What do YOU truly want from it?

I've been anywhere from a size 8 to a size 22 as I struggle with BED but my sex life has remained uncharged in terms of my husbands interest in me. However, my attitude towards myself and my confidence has fluctuated with the weight (and caused the gains and losses, rather than being as a result of them). He loved me when I'm confident and I'm as confident when something clicks at size 22 and I regain it as I am at size 10 and regain control again. It's the confidence that's attractive rather than the size.

No doubt size and shape is the major factor in attraction between strangers but there's something horrendously wrong if this is so in a marriage!

My husband is a big bloke with a 52 inch chest and my love of him is not affected by his size.

I would never use sex and my enjoyment of him as a way of shaming him into losing weight and he's never ever done that to me.

When he looks at me, I see love in his eyes and often lust too! Same here for him.

Who says just because she has put on weight she isn't looking after herself or healthy?
I hate this implication that overweight people don't care about themselves, are lazy and unhealthy. It's bullshit

What a nasty man - agree wholly with the others, LTB.

timetoask

Your experience is a world away from the op's.
The op may have gained weight because of medication not perhaps because she eats to much.
Im glad for you that your dh was supportive and im sure that did help you to feel motivated to take control and regulate yourself.

Op's weight is a side issue, it is obviously a tool her dh is using to belittle her at a time she's vulberable and in need of support.

Right fighting about the male/female consensus on MN has no place on this thread.

Hi OP,

I understand how you are feeling and the panic and urgency to have a child before it is too late. Trust me - I know. I have been there.

But you are never as far away from having a child as you are when you are unhappy and in a marriage with the wrong person.

Conceiving, pregnancy, childbirth and beyond is the toughest hardest thing any couple will go through. It can break the strongest of unions.
You do not know how this journey to motherhood will work out for you - but one thing you can know for sure is that you will need support every single step of the way.

Your husband has not been able to support you through health issues. This is the biggest red flag if ever there was one.

Leave him. I know you are scared. Be brave. You need to be happy. And I know love your fear of missing the bus and leaving it too late but you have time. If you act now.

Men who only fancy very thin women are usually closet gay, men who like women would be happy with a 2 stone gain ( on a slim frame) as it means more boobs and bum.
Ditch him, he's an arsehole. Find a man who actually likes you.

You need to get out now. This relationship isnt going anywhere good or nice. Its already gone bad.

What are you getting out of this?? Not much at all from the sound of your post.

Honestly, get out. You are still young and at a size 14 you are still in a good shape. Get out build your self esteem and find a bloke with a bit more depth than your current one.

Seriously - please just leave. You will not regret it in the long run.

I hope you know that LTB means Leave The Bastard.

Have a read of some of the threads on here from women that have left emotionally abusing and controlling husbands. They always say they wish they'd done it sooner and they never regret it.

You only get one shot at life. Please don't waste it on this person.

Really sorry, it sounds utterly miserable for you and very disappointing that the person your trusted with your happiness and promised mutual support in your wedding vows has let you down so badly.

As everyone else says, this is not about your weight, it is about your relationship.

Having children puts a huge strain on a relationship, and also on a woman's self-image - however badly the baby is wanted. A man who is not kind and supportive when you are ill is not a man who will be kind in the challenges of pregnancy, childbirth and having a newborn.

A man who is so mysoginistic, rude and cruel over weight now will not be supportive as your body changes during and after the childbirth and feeding process, and you come to terms with being a mother as well as a woman.

His behaviour is robbing you of your self respect and self esteem. Unfortunately, if this continues, it will rob you of the confidence to even escape from his horribleness. It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Please free yourself from him. He does not love you as he should, he will string you along until you are destroyed, have lost all the self-confidence and self-determination you would need to lose weight (IF you feel so inclined) and he will blame you and then have an affair....bet you anything.

None of this is your fault: you are still the woman he found attractive, you are a woman in your prime. You have the best years of your adult life ahead of you.

Fund someone who deserves you and who will enjoy being part of those best years!

(but make sure you love yourself first and foremost).

Good luck!