Come and tell me to not contact this chap.

[UterusUterusGhali]

I know you'll be firm with me and make me see sense. :-D

I've been casually seeing someone for a few months. FB type thing. Predictably I've fallen for him. He's been clear from the start it was never going to be serious.

So I need to stop contact, right?

But he's a really good friend too. I love having him in my life.
But I'll be heartbroken when he finds someone he really likes. (We're both still dating half heartedly)

Kick me up the arse, please!

I downloaded 'he's just not that into you'. It's fab. Thanks for the recommendation. And everyone else with one of these idiots - please read it too! Happy New Year! X

You are right. I feel sick and I need to break this cycle.

But I don't seem to be able to. Ridiculously he is like a comfort blanket although I know the comfort is on his terms. I cannot hate him though.

I am meeting someone else tomorrow, and he is so keen bless him, almost to the point it scares me.

Watching The Holiday.

Don't hate him, Plumbing, be indifferent. Could you do it if your child's life depended on it? Yes. So you can do it for yourself too. You don't work with him. Change your Sim, tell your family and friends what your new number is - don't tell him.

C'mon, you can do this but not if you're dwelling on what you perceive your relationship has been. I guarantee that what you see is different to what he does and that's why you know it's not going anywhere. This is difficult but it's do-able. You are pulling off a plaster v.v.v. slowly and it hurts. Rip it off and your pain will be short-lived.

...and look forward to tomorrow evening. It could be the start of something special..

Look forward to tomorrow evening by all means but don't walk into the pub or wherever and immediately size him up for top hat and tails... I'm being flippant there obviously BUT you sound like a romantic and I think, from what you've posted, that you could easily wear your heart on your sleeve.

Don't give too much too soon - not to anybody. Take the time to see how they feel about you before you reveal your innermost feelings. It will be such a different experience for you if you can keep control of you and not allow yourself to enter into a scenario like this again.

Ahhhh thanks all.

Lying, you are right. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Apparently my eyes give away my feelings too, so perhaps I should wear a bag over my head!! I am meeting this guy this afternoon; going for a walk on the beach and then for a cup of tea. The problem I have is trying not to compare this guy to M :(

I will report back later.

I am back.

I only bloody drove past M on the way there. I felt sick and had to pull over :( I have got it bad.

Anyway, my "date" was lovely. We talked non-stop and he is such a gent. I have said yes to a second date, so we shall see. He has texted me already to say what a lovely time he had and that I was far more attractive in real life. How sweet :)

The book also arrived this morning, so am going to have a look later.

That sounds really promising! Did you set another date?

Forget M.....he's honestly not worth it. xxx

We haven't set another date as such but B asked if I would like to go on a second date. He texted me to apologise for stumbling about and putting me on the spot!! How sweet is that :)

I have started reading the book. Oh. My. God. Ringing true already.

How are things with you? x

I know...the book is soooo true it is cringey...and it all just leads to the same thing 'he's just not that into you....or me'!!

They all seem to do that, ask if we want a second date and say that they don't mean to put us on the spot. But it is on the spot!!!

Had a first date with S last night. He seemed nice, nice company, nice looking, just not sure if there's a spark...but I would see him again....he's texted a couple of times today.

And J...that's the one who isn't into me...he's away. But is still texting. Aaargh. And of course, I always reply. (please don't shout). But I feel i am being very aware of what is going on, and under no delusions...does that make it better or ok?!?!?

Meantime I'm going away tomorrow....will try and log on if there's wifi...I really hope the new year starts off well for everyone here...and for all those idiots who just aren't into us - they can go and off.....

This is the year we regain control....
xx

Hi Jenny, I feel that about B; not sure if there is a spark, but we only had 2 hours together.

He has texted lots and asked when he can see me again, so that's nice. I just am still finding it hard not to compare everyone to M. Saying that when I first met M, was not sure about sparks either, but how wrong was I!

I know what you mean about being aware of what is going on. I feel the same. Whilst I still text back I am pretty cool in my response.

I hope you have a lovely time away wherever you are off to.

xx

Thank you!

When I'm with J it's odd cos I actually think I'm not that into him....it's when I'm not, and I want him to be into me - does that make sense. Last time I was with him I was actually thinking thank goodness I am now over him. But as soon as I don't hear for a day I get upset.... Am I as bad as him?!?

lets give S and B a chance and see where we get to xxx

I felt like that the last time I saw M (lSunday) He was banging on about us going ski-ing together FFS! and I was just thinking, what a load of bxxxcks. We did kiss and stuff but I wasn't as in to it as usual.

But, like you, miss him like hell when I don't see him, and when I drove past him today, I seriously thought I was going to pass out!

He hasn't texted since 6.30 this eve and I'm buggered if I am going to text him.

Yes, lets see what happens :) Night night xx

You'll never meet anyone that measures up though while you're still mooning over M. Or J.

I've exchanged a few pleasantries with FB but it's amazing what a bit of nc can do. I feel more in control! He's not for me, and that's that.

Also, I've found I feel foolish to mope around like I've broken up with someone when we were never together.

But actually, it's ok to feel really sad. I've had my own little private break-up. Vented on here. Confided in a friend. And it's ok to eat leftover quality street whilst listening to Adele and blowing snot bubbles. It's normal! Just because he didn't put the label of "relationship" on it, I'd still emotionally invested, as I'm not made of stone, and I needed to get him out of my system.

Hiya Uterus :)

Have you read the book too??

I know what you mean re moping around. I am not doing this any more. I am going out and grabbing life by the balls!!

MN is such a great support.

Are you seeing someone now?

What is tough, is when they do stop contacting you! The old ego gets very huffy. I am going through this right now but it is bloody hard when you had to end a dead ender. My ego still demands a romantic ending.

By the way, I blame films like The Holiday. I mean you just happen to find a gorgeous widower with two darling little girls. (not that I like Jude Law and would hate to find Jack Black as my Mr Right), then there.s Bridget and Mark Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Darcy.

Even in Eat Pray Love, she copped off with Mr Right at the end.

I am going to get that book "He's not that into you" but "Get Rid of Him" by Joyce Vedral is amazing and can generally be got second hand on Amazon. Just wish I had followed my gut instinct this time. Keep ignoring it.

It's an addiction and like any addiction it's very hard to give up. Like smoking or drinking etc. it's makes you feel good but then it makes you feel so low.

One day at a time the longer you can go NC the easier it will become. It's painful and hard and takes courage but can be done.

Exactly what jojoanna said, it is an addiction and it can be very harmful indeed as, unlike smoking and drinking, it's often completely intangible and feelings are (over)involved.

We just have to grasp the nettle and go through the short term pain. It is painful but it's not life-threatening or everlasting.

Do you know, I woke up this morning and thought exactly that. It is an addiction. I cannot get enough. I actually told M he was like a drug.

That addicted feeling is horrible isn't it. I've had it in the past when I've wanted relationships with men who have just not been into me but have somehow hooked me. I've learned the hard way to keep my eye out for red flags (helped also by all the great info sharing on MN!) and consequently feel far more in control with the man I'm seeing now.

I went online looking primarily for a FWB and I found K. I told him I was after a fun and respectful FB, that I'm not looking for a husband, children or cohabition. But I did say that, although I'm not looking for a relationship as such, that if something developed I wouldn't fight it if the feelings were mutual. He said he was after the same, and TBH I don't think he's ready for a relationship anyway as he's only a few months out of a very long relationship and is separated not divorced yet. I really like him, he's fun and affectionate, but I have my barriers well and truly up. I never initiate text contact and am always the first to stop the conversation, and whenever I get lovey-dovey thoughts (not often thankfully) I pull myself up. If I'm alone when I have these thoughts I get busy with something else to distract myself from him. I do not allow myself to think about him too much as I don't want to get carried away. The CBT I had has really helped me control my thoughts and is so useful when dating! I'd recommend it to anyone. But this is a bit of an experiment and could end in tears. I've had FBs before but they were ex BFs who I knew I didn't want relationships with. They were "safe" emotionally. But K is an unknown so I have to be careful.

I think that is the thing isn't it. Being upfront from the start. And being honest throughout. I hate all the second guessing, assuming etc etc.

I have been hopeless. Texting like mad. Also texting like mad with B, who is very much in to me. When I told him we were going to the pantomime, he told me he had met his Cinderella (me!) Cheesy or what!!

Plumbing, I'm really sorry to read that you're still texting. I get the feeling that you're using 'B' to soothe your ego as 'M' isn't interested in you one bit. You know it. If you were interested in 'B' you wouldn't still be texting 'M'. Your call but it's not very honest, is it?

You don't have to be with 'B' if you don't want to but by putting him in the exact same position you have been put in with 'M' (only YOU are now 'M' where 'B' is concerned), you know how it feels. Pretty crappy, right?

Be on your own for a bit, cut them both loose and decide never to settle again - for either extreme.

We berate these men for not being able to commit to us, and not being able to NOT commit to us, but we have to put our money where our mouth is and and commit to one or other of these two options ourselves, too.

That means not texting, not responding to texts, and forming the commitment in our minds to walk away from the mindfuck, be alone, and eventually find/offer a more committed relationship with someone else.

That's what I'm trying to do with my guy. I know it's hard and that I'll probably slip up a bit along the way, but time is on our side and will end our attached feelings, so long as we also work on taking the healthy path of NC.

I think you are addicted to the attention, not the men themselves. It wouldn't really matter if it was a robot sending out automated cheesy messages, it's the thrill of receiving one, the excitement, anticipation, and so on, it is like comfort eating, lovely for a few moments, but ultimately unsatisfying.

I expect you are going to tell me now how you would be able to distinguish a robot from your lovely man, he's so this and that- but really, if you looked into his soul, his real persona, would you like him? Would you want to be the object of his desires?

HotDAMN is absolutely right, you can't criticise the men for continuing to do what works (texting you, sleeping with you when they want, being flakey but not cut off)- it suits them just fine. But if your long-term goal is to find a great relationship, this is destructive behaviour and, as she says, means you are paying less attention and having less energy for more suitable guys.