Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Come and tell me to not contact this chap.

179 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 22/12/2013 13:08

I know you'll be firm with me and make me see sense. :-D

I've been casually seeing someone for a few months. FB type thing. Predictably I've fallen for him. He's been clear from the start it was never going to be serious.

So I need to stop contact, right?

But he's a really good friend too. I love having him in my life.
But I'll be heartbroken when he finds someone he really likes. (We're both still dating half heartedly)

Kick me up the arse, please!

OP posts:
Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 23/12/2013 08:37

You've been open and honest so if you look back you're not going to regret that. It doesn't mean you wasted your time. Maybe he was what you needed for a while but now you've outgrown him.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 23/12/2013 09:11

The urge to shout "but I wuv hiiiiim" is overwhelming. Gah!

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/12/2013 09:49

What a twat. Only thinks it is over because you have met someone else and not because of how he is treating you and the fact you want different things.

Plumbingtrouble · 23/12/2013 10:45

Uterus, you could be me.

I started "seeing" someone in July whilst I was still married :( and it has been on and off on and off the whole time. He did try to break it off a few months in, but we ended up seeing each other again on and off until last Sunday when he has pulled the plug, but still wants us to stay in touch. We text each other numerous times a day, he tells me I am special, lovely, perfect for him, but he cannot be with me. He has said it is because he may move from the area and continuing to see me and then moving away would be hard. I think this is bull. But, he won't tell me that he is with someone else!!! The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel sick :(

I too have fallen for this guy, and feel bloody heartbroken. We are so good together. We can talk for hours, laugh together, and the sex was great.

I asked him last night if he knew of any handsome single men for me, and he said he didn't know anyone good enough. He also called me a few days ago and told me he missed me. FFS.

It is really hard, but we have to be strong. This has dented my self confidence - funnily enough, he told me I should be full of confidence!

What I am trying to do is look at the negatives about him, and just keep REALLY busy.

Are you still texting? Does he live close by so that you could bump in to him?

I hope you post again, as it would be helpful to see how you are coping.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 23/12/2013 11:05

Plumbing ((((hugs)))) to you.

It sounds so similar!

I don't think we'll bump into each other. We had never met before we hooked up on a dating site, which is odd as we worked in the same place once.

It's so confusing when there is that connection.

I guess our chaps have the decency to be straight with us. I wish I could be angry!

I keep seeing things he'd like (we send each other pictures all the time).

He has been a massive part of my life. I recently saw we had sent 3000 messages in just over 2 months on an app alone. Then there are the texts, emails, phone calls.

We need a hobby!
Crochet?!

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 23/12/2013 11:41

I know you probably don't want him to stay away but I hope he does. In my experience they do have a habit of coming back a few months later when they think the dust has settled a bit. Hopefully by then you will have moved on to something better.

I sympathise. Casual is generally quite hard to maintain, especially if there's lots of friendly texting between meets.

Tinkertaylor1 · 23/12/2013 11:45

If you have a vom

Tinkertaylor1 · 23/12/2013 11:50

If you have a complete wanker in your life how are you going to have space for mr perfect.

Twice I've been the ' don't want a serious relationship ' girl and twice they suddenly met some one they did with Sad

It's just a fucking cop out - arse holes.

Honestly ditch and don't look back!

I finally gave in to dh asking me out for about four years because I'd just been spectacularly dumped and I needed cheering up .

And how happy am I did! Absolute diamond he is.

Exbf who was wadded!!!! Got in contact a few months later sniffing round. He got a resounding fuck off.

Just clear out bad rubbish for new year and make space for your mr right!

Tinkertaylor1 · 23/12/2013 11:52

By the way, he is not really your friend. You are his pretend girlfriend till some one else comes along.

EllaFitzgerald · 23/12/2013 12:07

OP, I've been where you are now, but I wasn't as strong as you and by the time it all went horribly wrong, my self esteem was not just on the floor, but at the bottom of a very large hole!

Keep telling yourself that if he was really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, then a herd of wild horses wouldn't stop him from being with you. And then remove everything that reminds you of him from your life. Delete his number. If songs come on the radio, switch it off. And whenever he pops into your head, think of anything else. Clean the loft if it stops you thinking about him!

Plumbingtrouble · 23/12/2013 14:56

I find turning the volume up really loud in the car drowns out my thoughts of M.

Also, telling myself that he has moved on to men helps :) :)

It is so so hard. As soon as I wake up I think of him, and my stomach churns with sadness.

I haven't heard from him today; and I am trying really hard not to contact him.

Keep us posted Uterus. x

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 23/12/2013 19:46

He sent me a sadface text.

Not so sad he hasn't been on dating sites all night. (But I only know that because so am I) Wink

I nearly sent him a text saying "grow up" but didn't rise to it.

I'm doing better than I thought, but he's away for the week with family.

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/12/2013 21:27

Good for you for not replying. Honestly, what a fucking self-indulgent text message. I'm guessing he wants you to feel sorry for him that he's sad that you've ended things because he wants to be a free agent! How twisted is that. Wanker.

Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 00:01

Oh dear Uterus.I had a text too, which ended in I miss you!

FFS, make your mind up love.

jenny99 · 24/12/2013 00:11

oh dear....can I join in here...I've got another one of these idiots...doesn't want a relationship but texts all day....today he called and had to get off the phone quickly....said he'd call later. texted me that he was going out (so was I), and he will call me later. I can see he is online (what's app), and i texted some shit about the weather...and he was online...and nothing...why do they do this? why do we let them?!

AnuvvaMuvva · 24/12/2013 00:14

Don't expect a clean break - commitmentphobes like him are as terrified of committing to finishing relationships as they are to getting into them.

Are you FB friends? That'll have to go. (As will going on dating sites where you rightfully suspect he might be.) He's like an addiction, you'll have to go cold turkey. It'll feel harder to cut him off now, but it'll get you over him faster.

bellasuewow · 24/12/2013 00:17

Uterus you sound like a very good laugh and a very nice person I hope you have them queued up very soon

Twinkleandbunty · 24/12/2013 00:17

Uterus, I could have written your OP about 5 years ago.
My ex and I met on line, I liked him but he wanted FWB, no commitment etc... Anyway, best friends, saw each other every weekend, eventually he said I 'wore him down' Hmm and we moved in together.
He still kept me at a distance.
He eventually finished with me when he met someone he really wanted to be with...
I wasted 5 years. Don't do that! Fill your time, see your friends, go to every event you're asked to over the festive season, make plans for the new year, but bin him!
You are worth so much more x

AnuvvaMuvva · 24/12/2013 00:17

Read: He's Scared, She's Scared. Such a great book.

Twinkleandbunty · 24/12/2013 00:19

Haha! Just seen the post about them being terrified of committing to finishing relationships!

Are they a particular breed or something?

offloadingthisshit · 24/12/2013 00:21

AnnuvaMuvva, I have read a few posts from you recently that have made a lot of sense. are you a psychologist/therapist or just speaking from experience?

Have your read loads of self-help books? If so, which ones? I have literally just got out of a relationship so will not be delving in to the dating game yet but my judgement is flawed as I seem to pick alcoholics and general arseholes and then become codependent on them.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 24/12/2013 00:35

The boundaries one often gets recommended round here, offloading - have you tried that? IMO it's brilliant.

Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 12:15

That is interesting what you said about commitment phobes not being able to finish it either.

M texted lots last night and have had 3 more this morning asking if I am free to meet tonight!

I know in my heart I shouldn't go, but some pre Christmas sex might be nice!!! Trouble is, he wins then.

Uterus, what's the latest from you love?

HOMEQCRICH · 24/12/2013 12:44

Oh anuvvamuvva
that explains why my ex won't let me go I have been downgraded from gf to fwb.. I'd love to go back to how things were but its never going to happen so I have to be super strong. I have told myself that after new year its time to go nc for my own sanity and self esteem.

I frequently get 'I miss you' texts but remember I miss you doesn't mean 'I want to be with you' and quite often its to check whether the door is open.
Good luck op and to me and anyone else who needs a bs free 2014

Cabrinha · 24/12/2013 12:54

The thing is, he's not as nice as you think he is. He's actually not nice enough to be your boyfriend.
There's nothing wrong with casual, where people are honest and respectful and kind. Now he seems to have been honest, but he hasn't been respectful and kind. He now knows that you have feelings for him, yet he's trying to get you to have sex with him anyway.
If he was nice, he'd leave you alone. Just keep reminding yourself, that he simply isn't nice. He isn't kind. He doesn't respect you.

You have a chance now to meet someone that is.