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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Come and tell me to not contact this chap.

179 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 22/12/2013 13:08

I know you'll be firm with me and make me see sense. :-D

I've been casually seeing someone for a few months. FB type thing. Predictably I've fallen for him. He's been clear from the start it was never going to be serious.

So I need to stop contact, right?

But he's a really good friend too. I love having him in my life.
But I'll be heartbroken when he finds someone he really likes. (We're both still dating half heartedly)

Kick me up the arse, please!

OP posts:
jenny99 · 27/12/2013 15:02

Just started watching 'The Holiday'....back later x

jenny99 · 27/12/2013 17:06

Such a great film. Someone, please, anyone on here, tell me you have Jude Law's phone number?!

INeedSomeHelp · 27/12/2013 22:20

I haven't watched the film but I could never understand the attraction of Jude Law.

I need to give myself a good shake and sort myself out. Before I met this guy I had been single forever. He probably realised that meant I would be a sucker for some sweet talking and compliments. I was quite happily single before and can do it again - it has to be better than this torture.

One of my friends asked me today if I want to do Tough Mudder next year. I initially dismissed it out of hand but I'm now thinking I might do it. I will need to train hard so it would give me a goal and a distraction.

Plumbingtrouble · 27/12/2013 22:40

Evening all. Hope everyone is ok.

This thread has helped me no end. M contacted me today and I have been very good and not responded. I have been too busy liaising via text (so far) with someone who on the surface seems absolutely lovely. Really grounded, kind etc. M has missed out in my opinion. He had his chances.

INeedSomeHelp · 27/12/2013 22:43

Good for you Plumbingtrouble - I hope this person turns out to be the real deal.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 28/12/2013 13:02

As my FB so helpfully said, positive people attract positive things.

Sounds good plumber!

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 28/12/2013 20:50

Another one who just doesn't get why Jude Law is considered attractive. He is just waaaaay too metrosexual and pretty boy for my taste, sorry. He's all yours Jenny99 Wink

Sounds good Plumbingtrouble. Best of luck.

I like that quote Uterus. I've heard 'like attracts like' before, but I always seem to attract men who are opposite to me in just about every possible way. I have decided that I am going to stay single for the forseeable and work on some self-improvement. From now on I will treat myself the way I usually treat a romantic partner. I think it's going to really help boost my confidence and self esteem.

I received a text message from my 'friend' today too. There must be something in the air, lol!

Would you believe he wanted my sympathy because he'd had a huge argument with his woman?!? Apparently she's been mean and hurtful to him, complaining about the Christmas gift he gave her. Seriously, you could not make this shit up. I would LOVE to know what he bought her. I mean, is it a kitchen appliance or the wrong designer handbag? I'm hoping it's some really nice, thoughtful but inexpensive gift and she's throwing a tantrum because she's spoiled and materialistic. Either way…

KARMA MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Hahahaha!

INeedSomeHelp · 28/12/2013 22:16

The Holiday is on itv at 10.30pm tonight. I have set it to record and will watch it tomorrow. Whilst trying to ignore the messages I've been getting telling me how much he misses me and how it's ribbish that he can't see me.

Plumbingtrouble · 28/12/2013 23:02

I too am recording The Holiday :)

I have relented and been texting M but it is all very factual and the sort of stuff you would talk to someone on a bus about! No more sloppy stuff thankfully.

Hope everyone is ok. x

tribpot · 28/12/2013 23:10

And that's a good thing why, Plumbingtrouble? You're giving him what he wants, which is attention and reassurance that you don't have the willpower to ignore him.

You haven't relented, you've relapsed. Have a read through of your own posts on this thread.

BestestBrownies · 28/12/2013 23:59

I have to say I agree with tribpot there Plumbing. Find your inner strength and IGNORE him. Or better yet, come up with some withering put-downs. Don't whitter on about the weather and shit. He'll just think he's still got you exactly where he wants you.

It may sound awful, but I have taken immense pleasure out of knowing mine is suffering tonight. My reply to his pathetic, attention-seeking woe-is-me message (which incidentally comes after me ignoring him for a week - what a coincidence hey?), was "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's awful when you think you know someone and then they surprise you with their true colours." He may or may not have understood the barely disguised sarcasm and contempt (there being a bit of a language barrier and all), but I got a kick out of sending it, so that's all that counts.

I'm starting to like evil me Shock Wink Grin

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 29/12/2013 08:58

Man I missed the holiday!

Plumber; stop it! Just don't! Go on PoF and get attention there! It's what I'm doing.

I might see if I can buy the holiday. I'm on my own tonight and I really really want some adult company. Sad
These men are just oxytocin enablers. It could be anyone.

He texted that he missed me again and that he was desperate to sort it and "work through it". Wtf?!
I did reply after 24 hours and said there was nothing to sort. We weren't to care about each other any more.

If he asks what he did wrong I'd be stuck for an answer. Sad

OP posts:
BatgirlForever · 29/12/2013 09:41

Wow, this thread had been a massive reality check for me.

A year I have wasted already. It's just sex, he doesn't want to be with anyone ever! The usual.
I thought we were actually getting somewhere a few weeks ago but obviously not.
I have realised how desperate and stupid I am making myself look now.
NC starts here. Amazing advice on this thread.

AnuvvaMuvva · 29/12/2013 12:17

You know you can block numbers on the iPhone now? It came with ios7. I'd never have the strength to read texts then ignore them. My only hope of ignoring a man I cared about would be to block his number and email address so I'd never be able to read anything he sent.

tribpot · 29/12/2013 12:36

Bestest, evil may be better than not-evil but it's all contact and it all feeds his ego.

Put your phone down and walk away!

Uterus, you don't have to explain anything to this guy. You won't be speaking to him again anyway so the situation won't arise. And you'd already told him that you want to end contact because you feel more for him than he does for you - he wished you well. And then proceeded to bombard you with messages as if that conversation hadn't happened. A familiar response?

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 29/12/2013 13:36

What did he do wrong, well you have told him you have feelings for him but he is still content to sleep with you and not expand on any further commitment, he is living with his ex and still open to dating others so imho has his cake with jam on it. The constant texting is a fun addiction. If you were separated by oceans it wouldn't matter as much but you are living close enough to get together. He isn't prepared to offer more and it's doing your head in. Reason enough to call it a day.

You can wean yourself off that messaging habit and him.

Hotpotch · 29/12/2013 14:16

I really recommend reading 'he's just not that into you' -it was like a lightbulb going off in my head and finally helped me dump the bloke I was seeing 'casually'

jenny99 · 29/12/2013 16:40

Oh we are a sorry bunch aren't we!! The bit that I don't get is why these guys aren't looking for a relationship with us but if somebody else comes along they may be....

uterus I rented The Holiday from wauki tv. It was £2.49. Every time I am thinking about replying / texting 'B' I think about Kate Winslet's various expressions through the film - how she lights up when he talks to her, how she deflates when he doesn't, and how elated she is at the end...

INeedSomeHelp · 29/12/2013 19:08

Just finished watching The Holiday - I need to start channeling my inner Kate Winslett!

Plumbingtrouble · 30/12/2013 19:31

I am yet to watch it but have recorded it.

I have been a naughty girl :(

M texted to see if he could buy be a drink to cheer me up as my Dad had been rather unkind talking about me which I overheard.

I went.

Again I am confused. The same stuff said, but I am beginning to believe him. He says I have no idea how much he feels about me. I asked him how we were supposed to move on from one another if we still saw each other. He says he can't bear the thought of me with anyone else.

He texted me to make sure I was home safe and offered to change my car bulbs which had gone.

He says the only thing holding him back is he hates where I live - suburbia. He is a big surfing fan and is v close to the sea. He then says surfing isn't everything, and I think surely if he was that keen on me, he would live anywhere...

God I am an idiot! However, on the plus side, I am not feeling emotional/down. Just pretty calm to be honest. Not that it makes it any better :(

tribpot · 30/12/2013 19:37

But how did he know you were upset, Plumbing? You're just handing bait to him and then watching him reel you in.

In your first post you said the excuse he used was that he might be moving out of the area. Now the excuse is that he dislikes suburbia. It's laughably crap. I mean, can you honestly imagine saying to someone "I really like you but suburbia is such hell, see ya."?? He's just not that into you. Have you read the book?

He finished with you! Why are you wasting time on his angst about the non-relationship?

Plumbingtrouble · 31/12/2013 11:17

I have ordered the book.

He knew I was upset because we are still in contact on text. He also asked me what my favourite colour was because he wanted to buy me some flowers for my mum (who died 3 yrs ago today). Can he really not feel anything for me?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2013 11:44

Oh blimey Plumbing; please don't tell him your favourite colour, don't give him any more 'hooks'. He'll use that to press your weak spots, ie. missing your mum and that's horrid.

He doesn't want you, he's told you that in so many ways and words but you're not hearing it. You MUST protect yourself, protect your heart and stop letting this man do this to you.

Tell him that you've emigrated, tell him you've met somebody else. Tell him this: "M I'm bored of this, don't want to do it anymore. Stop texting now, I won't reply".

... and don't. Change your sim and keep away from him. Cold indifference.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 31/12/2013 12:23

Plumbing that isn't him being thoughtful that is a calculated ploy. Flowers to cheer you up for whatever reason when he pulled the plug? Or maybe a collar in your preferred colour so he can still whistle for you when he graciously relents each time he allows you some physical time together Sad.

What would you advise your DDs in this situation? Wouldn't you be fuming?

tribpot · 31/12/2013 14:44

He knew I was upset because we are still in contact on text.

So in other words, because you told him. So you are giving him bait to reel you in.

He also asked me what my favourite colour was because he wanted to buy me some flowers for my mum

Why did he feel the need to tell you that in advance? Was it to milk it the maximum amount of attention and ego-boost for him from you, despite the fact it was meant to be something nice he was doing for you?

Talk is cheap, and flowers are cheap too. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum, but I know she wouldn't want you wasting your time and energy on this berk. The guy who can't be with you because you live in the burbs. I mean per-lease.

Stop texting him. Just for a week. No contact at all. See if you can break the cycle.