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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Come and tell me to not contact this chap.

179 replies

UterusUterusGhali · 22/12/2013 13:08

I know you'll be firm with me and make me see sense. :-D

I've been casually seeing someone for a few months. FB type thing. Predictably I've fallen for him. He's been clear from the start it was never going to be serious.

So I need to stop contact, right?

But he's a really good friend too. I love having him in my life.
But I'll be heartbroken when he finds someone he really likes. (We're both still dating half heartedly)

Kick me up the arse, please!

OP posts:
Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 14:38

So pissed off.

Now had a text to say its probably best to leave it today - not even a fucking sorry. He then says he missed me alot the other night. Eh??

I am fuming. That is it. He has played me good and proper - another offer has probably come up.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 24/12/2013 14:50

Take control of your own life!!

Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 18:58

Too right. This is the final nail in the coffin. He doesn't deserve me. I need to go no contact now, as the bull he is spinning is unreal.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 24/12/2013 19:52

Oh plumbing that's rotten!

We have to stop doing it to ourselves!

I caved. Sad Blush
I sent him a message thanking him for getting my dd a particularly cool gift for me (I couldn't have got it myself iyswim).

No reply.

So then I sent one tonight saying I hope he is safe (in storm damaged area) and happy Christmas.

Not sure if he's not got in touch because;
a) he never cared less and is relieved
b) he's respecting my wishes
c) he's without power.

I'm silly for even caring!

I know I'll miss him more tomorrow when I'm with people.

OP posts:
Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 21:17

I caved too!

I texted to say I was heading to my favourite beach for some air, and he asked me what time I would be there.

He turned up. We went for a drink. We talked a bit more. The usual stuff about what great company I am, that I am gorgeous blah blah. We walked back arm in arm and kissed loads. He headed off saying he will text me.

Initially when driving home, I was all full of bravado and thoughts of what a twonk etc and still do to be honest. He just tells me the same old stuff but never actually tells me anything if you see what I mean. He is very good at avoiding awkward questions and turns it back to me.

I know he is no good for me.

What you up to tonight Uterus? x

tribpot · 24/12/2013 21:21

I thought he said best leave it for today, Plumbing? This all sounds very confused and unhealthy. He says flattering things but you still end up feeling like shit.

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo · 24/12/2013 21:31

He didn't get in touch because in his power game he has you back where he wants you. Men like this give just enough to keep you hanging on but not enough that they meet your needs. They can put ina lot of effort at times...ESP when they feel you slipping away, because they constantly want what they can't have. As soon as you give in and admit how you feel they back off....this is becaus they don't really want YOU, they just like the ego stroke that being able to get you any time they choose gives them.

They contact loads because they like to have someone in their life when it suits them, they go no contact because you step out of line and ask for more or because they have you back in your little box where you belong. They are utter, utter wankers. They will never wake u one day and realise they love you, because you are the stand in. They could never love you because they don't respect you enough.

Stay away. He is an asshole, and a selfish one at that because he'd rather have you semi tied to him than off with someone who will properly love and deserve him. You will always come second to this guys ego. They are usually serial cheats too...

I have had two significant relationships like this and they almost killed my confidence. Funnily enough BOTh men, when they heard I was marrying my (lovely, loyal) Dh suddenly declared I was the love of their life yeh righ...fucktards.

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo · 24/12/2013 21:32

Love and deserve you, not him...sorry, too much Xmas fizz
, :)

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 24/12/2013 22:11

You're so right, monster. Sad

Oh plumber that's not good.
When I read what yours does I feel so angry on your behalf! I wish I could apply that anger to my own situation.

He sent a text saying "uterus?" Then miss you etc etc. I just said "goodnight".

OP posts:
Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 22:12

He did say leave it for today but when I said I was heading to my fave beach he turned up. I didn't ask him to come and tbh would not have been bothered if he came or not.

Attack, you are spot on. M texted loads last night because he knew I was going out and wanted to know the details.

He has gone out tonight, and I shall not be texting him.

He is just using me I am pretty sure of that.

Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 22:14

x post Uterus. It is laughable really isn't it how similar this all is. Where in the UK are you???

Good for you saying goodnight :)

Plumbingtrouble · 24/12/2013 22:37

Well, blow me down, I had a text with nothing from me. Hoped I got home safe, lovely to see me today etc etc.

Going to play it cool.

Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 24/12/2013 23:35

I'm in Hampshire, plumber.

OP posts:
Original poster
UterusUterusGhali · 24/12/2013 23:36

Just don't play! Cool or otherwise! It doesn't have to be this way!

OP posts:
Twinkleandbunty · 24/12/2013 23:56

Monster has it exactly right.
They wreck your head, your self confidence and self esteem.
It has taken me a long time to rebuild my self esteem, and I know the red flags for next time (if there is a next time!)

Good luck ladies!

Tinks42 · 25/12/2013 03:11

just a little tip, what I did when I broke up with someone like this, knowing I was going to have to go cold turkey, is I invented a number on my phone and used to text it just to get everything off my chest. It worked.... I called him all the C under the sun, it was very cathartic.

INeedSomeHelp · 25/12/2013 08:05

This thread has really got me thinking.

I need to clear someone out of my life who treats me like this. Gives me just enough attention and flattery to keep me hanging on but doesn't actually want to be in a relationship with me.

If I cut contact (which I've done before) he'll bombard me with messages telling me how amazing I am and how much he misses me. Then as soon as I cave in he'll be off again. Because I am just his back up plan.

He gives me amazing compliments but is actually destroying my self confidence.

I can write all this down and know it's true and I know what I would tell a friend in this situation. I just need to take my own advice.

Lucylloyd13 · 25/12/2013 08:11

Is he good in bed?

jenny99 · 25/12/2013 08:51

oh dear....and the guy who is doing very similar to me texted me last night to say he wishes I was in his stocking....
why do they do this to us? if we are so fabulous, and shouldn't let ourselves be treated this way, then why do they do this and why don't they want us? properly?

Ghirly · 25/12/2013 09:14

I've recently went NC with my version of this guy.
It was tough, very tough to begin with, and I do still have wobbles but strangely enough I am so much happier without all the hassle he brought me.

The people going through this just now - please please put yourselves first and break the cycle. It's not healthy and while you're replying to texts, even just saying goodnight, it's giving them the power and they can sit and be confident knowing you're still there.

INeedSomeHelp · 25/12/2013 10:14

Ghirly you are right. It is a hassle. I am constantly checking my phone for messages, trying to think of the right reply so that I sound like someone he wants to spend time with. It's just such hard work.

I actually think he has low self esteem. Although on the surface he seems full of confidence. I think it is a boost to his ego to know that he can just click his fingers and I'll be there. Even though it's sapping my confidence away.

Plumbingtrouble · 25/12/2013 11:12

Uterus, I too am in Hampshire!! Is your guy a plumber???

I am amazed at how many of us are in this situation.

I have never come across anyone like this before in my life.

I am trying so hard not to check my phone, or think about him, but I am finding it hard as hell. Christmas is not my fave time of year (Mum was on her last legs 3 years ago and xmas day was the last day my girls saw her alive) and I feel vulnerable and miserable.

God, I have to deal with this.

tribpot · 25/12/2013 11:25

Today might be a good day for a viewing of The Holiday, in which Kate Winslet is involved with exactly this kind of tosser guy. she and Jack Black commiserate about it.

jenny99 · 25/12/2013 12:15

I love that film, The Holiday....that's a great example. So how do we find our 'Jack Black'?

INeedSomeHelp - my guy also has quite low self esteem, and seems full of confidence - it is just a boost to their ego isn't it.

But, if they text, eg to say goodnight and wish you were in my stocking..if we don't reply they text more and more and the next day and then they start being nicer, so we cave, and if we do text then we give what they are after.

Does a leopard ever change his spots?

INeedSomeHelp · 25/12/2013 12:57

I don't think so jenny99. I have known my guy for nearly five years and he is still the same. Can't quite believe I've wasted five years hoping he'll suddenly realise that he does want to be with me!